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  #1  
Old 04-04-2013, 04:34 PM
afar afar is offline
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Ok, so I'm new here. Please forgive me if I use any jargon in the poly world incorrectly. About 2 months ago, after talking about poly for several months my husband found a woman that he was really into. Once he 'experemented' with her he decided that poly was indeed something we should do. I tried to get on board, I was the one who brought the idea to the table afterall, but I noticed his emotional withdrawal from our marriage and began to violently oppose this woman's presence in his life. We saw a marriage counselor and after several 'stop and go's' with the open marriage, have decided to close the marriage to try to repair it. He still sees her as a 'platonic' friend however and this really bothers me. There is so much instability in the marriage that we both recognize it is teetering on the verge of divorce. Both of us have expressed that we do not want a divorce, but I am still not getting that emotional connection with him and I feel like he is giving her what I need. This very much feels like an affair at this point, and I don't want to feel like it is. He has said several times that he is not having an affair, and I want so much to believe him and part of me does, but the fact of the matter is that things are so tense at home, I dread coming home at the end of the day. I want this woman out of my life. I feel like she is the wall that he stops at to unload all of his happiness and love and then comes home to me bitter and hostile. What can I do?
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  #2  
Old 04-04-2013, 05:00 PM
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jones jones is offline
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hello,

I feel your pain I really do.

Quote:
but I am still not getting that emotional connection with him and I feel like he is giving her what I need
have you told him how you feel? Why is he still in NRE if he isn't dating her and they are just friends?

Quote:
I want this woman out of my life
Do you want her out of your life or his life or both? Has she done anything to hurt you or is it how he has treated you via his relationship with her?
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  #3  
Old 04-04-2013, 10:10 PM
ATX ATX is offline
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There is such a thing as an affair of the heart.

If this woman poses a threat to you in your perception and he is really serious about repairing the marriage, I would think it is important to him that you don't feel threatened. Is this friendship he has more important than his marriage? If he is unwilling to give it up, it says a lot about how he feels for her as well as you.

This is just an opinion, but I hope it helps. Good luck.

I am speaking from a very long difficult experience.
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Old 04-04-2013, 10:17 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
I...brought the idea [of poly] to the table....
Quote:
Originally Posted by afar View Post
...after talking about poly for several months my husband found a woman that he was really into.... ...he 'experemented' with her....
Quote:
...I noticed his emotional withdrawal from our marriage and began to violently oppose this woman's presence in his life. ...I want this woman out of my life.... What can I do?
I've re-arranged the order to put it chronologically.

Ouch.

Having been in your shoes, as the wife who saw her husband giving attention to another woman (although we were not poly, he was simply cheating), I feel for you. I know very well how it feels.

As a 'secondary,' I also see clearly how it would feel to be told you were a fun 'experiment,' but we're through with you now.

You brought the idea to the table. You and he agreed to involving a third person, who now has feelings for him, no doubt, and she is being treated as disposable. A toy that you no longer like, so she needs to be returned to the store. Presumably without having any thoughts or feelings of her own about it.

Yeah, it's a mess all right. You can consider her feelings and try to adjust and grow to accommodate the person that you and your husband brought into this, whose feelings you involved. Or you can stand firm and tell him she needs to go. It may save the marriage. Or he may stay but resent you and end up divorcing. Or he may divorce right now.

Those look to me like the choices.
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  #5  
Old 04-04-2013, 10:35 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by afar View Post
I want this woman out of my life. I feel like she is the wall that he stops at to unload all of his happiness and love and then comes home to me bitter and hostile.
The problem is with him, not her - would you eventually ask him to drop everyone else he knows from his life when he comes home and disrespects/mistreats/dismisses you? He has another relationship but it is on him to make sure that he still nurtures and cares for his relationship with you.

If this woman actually exits his life, will he still be a bastard to you? Probably. Your anger seems misplaced.

Sure, it was probably stupid idea to open up a relationship that was ailing to begin with and doesn't have a strong, loving foundation, but there's another human being with feelings involved now. She's not some random inanimate object you can kick to the curb. Work on you and him, not him and her.
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  #6  
Old 04-04-2013, 10:38 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I may be the only one who feels like this but oh well.

You wanted to try opening the marriage with no promises of loving it. Perfectly fine. Do not let anyone tell you differently. You put forth the effort and tried to be okay and go with it. You guys attended counselling and opted to close the marriage in the hopes of repairing it.

Here is my problem. Your husband may not be physically cheating, but emotional affairs do exist and can cause way more havoc than if he had just had meaningless sex with her. If your husband is serious and committed to working on the marriage, it requires his attention and effort. If he has still caught up in his feelings and if they are anything reminiscent of NRE, there is no way he is thinking clearly. Have you told your husband how you really feel? If she respects you and your marriage, she should also be willing to make concessions. I am never one to say how people feel in weeks or months time, but how deep are those feelings? I am not saying you have to give him an ultimatum but be honest and let him know that you think/feel that he is not giving it his all due to lingering feelings for her. Only if that is the case.

Why is he being bitter and hostile towards you? Did you do something to him? He needs to get his attitude in check and deal with his issues. He had to agree to close the marriage. Did you tie him down and force him to tell her that their relationship must come to an end? Obviously he has some internal stuff going on, but that should not stop him from being nice or cordial towards you. He reminds me of my four year old who pitches a fit when she cannot have her way.
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Old 04-05-2013, 12:46 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by afar View Post
I feel like she is the wall that he stops at to unload all of his happiness and love and then comes home to me bitter and hostile. What can I do?
I have a guess as to why you might find him bitter when he comes home.

He has feelings for this girl and doesn't have the courage to say what he feels or what he wants. Between you and the marriage counselor it is unlikely there were many options for him but to capitulate about "closing" the relationship. While you probably already know that he has romantic feelings for her, it's very likely that what he isn't telling you is that your disapproval is not reason enough to shut it down entirely. Further, it seems very likely that he resents you for it.

He digs her for all of the reasons he was into you when you two met. Only now, she's offering him his "freedom" and you are offering him the opportunity to "sacrifice". I'm sure, given the right circumstances, he is still very much into you but currently it sounds like there is a conflict of interests going on.

I'm not casting judgment on your situation, just giving another perspective on what might be going on.
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  #8  
Old 04-05-2013, 03:47 PM
afar afar is offline
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Thank you all for your input. Here is some follow up information:
1.) Yes, he agreed to close the marriage because I said that was what I needed in order to heal the damage to the marriage. I am going through abandonment issues that stem from childhood that I thought I had dealt with years ago only to find out that I just disassociated them. Now they're back and on steroids. I feel emotionally abandoned by him because he is unable to support me emotionally right now. He feels like he's been toyed with by me because I said we should try this, and then I had to stop, and then in therapy we agreed to try again, and then stop. He is frustrated because of the 'yes,no,yes' dynamic. This I uderstand and respect, and am trying to get over my issues.
2.) No this other woman has not done anything disrespectful or hateful to me. As a matter of fact, she has been kind and sincere. I know she doesn't deserve to be thrown out like yesterday's trash, and I am making painful steps toward not seeing her as a threat to me.
3.) I do very much feel like their relationship is an emotional affair. I understand though that my actions and things that I have said to him have pushed him in that direction. I reacted in a childish way when he tried to open up to me about how excited he was to have this new friend in his life. I was jealous because I thought if he loved her, there would be less love for me. I know in my head this is not true, but that fear of abandonment is crippling me.
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  #9  
Old 04-05-2013, 07:37 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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The good news is that you sought help before and you are doing it now. At the very least, he could support you. I do not think you are being childish. Opening a relationship is not an easy feat. Asking him to slow down to work on your marriage is a good idea. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You can acknowledge this person as a human being and respect her feelings, but respect is a two way street. Respecting your marriage is part of that. No one should dread coming home. Your husband needs to remember that long before these talks, he loved you. A little tenderness and support can go a long way.
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  #10  
Old 04-05-2013, 08:52 PM
elle elle is offline
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Hugs!! No amazing words of advice, just wanted to offer support.
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