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  #11  
Old 06-21-2013, 04:53 PM
charmedquark charmedquark is offline
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I guess I needed to be more clear in my first post about the situation.

What I believed Brian promised to refrain from, when he said, "I don't need to do that with her tonight," was PIV sex with his other girlfriend. I was fine with him doing whatever else he wanted to do to please her. I knew enough about her sexually and as a person to believe that she would be fine with this for one evening anyway. She confirmed that for me a couple of days later. The reason I wanted Brian to avoid PIV sex was that he has some pretty hardcore sexual dysfunction. That has, historically, been aggravated by him adding new partners. Twice running now, he has taken a new lover, and his dysfunction has worsened quite a bit with me, but he's been fine with the new person. This has been very painful for me. At the time that this incident happened, he and I had managed to have interourse in the month leading up to it perhaps once or twice, and probably tried over a dozen times. (Yes, we were getting lots of help for that, both medical and psychological.)

I knew that I couldn't just tell Brian, "No sex with her until you and I start to have it again," but that night I was feeling very low and needy and when he offered (I thought), to refrain from having intercourse with his other partner, it made me feel a whole lot better, and I let him know this.

I knew that Brian was having PIV sex with his girlfriend because he came into the room where I was with my boyfriend and actually got a condom out of a drawer, right in front of us, without saying a word about it. I could not believe my eyes. After he left the room, I said to my boyfriend, "Did he just get what I think he did?" Brian then proceeded into the next room, where his girlfriend was. He left the door to the room they were in wide open and my boyfriend and I could hear them going at it. If it had not been dark in there, we would have seen everything too.

Yes, he did obey the letter of what I asked, in that I didn't SEE it. But I sure heard it, which was just as bad. And otherwise, it feels that he was very insensitive to what I was going through, and I still think he was making a promise. I know I probably should have flat out asked him not to have intercourse with her, but we have been together a long time, and I really thought saying, "I am not comfortable with you doing this, but I don't feel I can ask you not to do it, so let me just ask that you don't let me see it" would be sufficient for him to offer to not to do it at all. And I thought that was what he was doing. He doesn't see it that way though.
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  #12  
Old 06-21-2013, 05:13 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by charmedquark View Post
The reason I wanted Brian to avoid PIV sex was that he has some pretty hardcore sexual dysfunction. That has, historically, been aggravated by him adding new partners. Twice running now, he has taken a new lover, and his dysfunction has worsened quite a bit with me, but he's been fine with the new person.
1. You cannot fix your partners sexual proclivities, nor should you desire to do so
2. Your partner is not your employee so you cannot restrict their actions as if they are
3. You can deal with your own reactions to your environment
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  #13  
Old 06-21-2013, 05:17 PM
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Twice running now, he has taken a new lover, and his dysfunction has worsened quite a bit with me, but he's been fine with the new person. This has been very painful for me. At the time that this incident happened, he and I had managed to have interourse in the month leading up to it perhaps once or twice, and probably tried over a dozen times. (Yes, we were getting lots of help for that, both medical and psychological.)
Wait, am I to understand that he can't get it up for you but he can for other women, and this is what you are describing as "serious sexual dysfunction"?
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  #14  
Old 06-21-2013, 05:30 PM
london london is offline
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Yeah, that's not sexual dysfunction. His penis is working just fine. Maybe, and this is going to sound really horrible, maybe, he can get it up with you when he isn't banging anyone else because it's his only option. When he had other options, you aren't as appealing, sexually.
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  #15  
Old 06-21-2013, 05:37 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Yeah, that's not sexual dysfunction. His penis is working just fine. Maybe, and this is going to sound really horrible, maybe, he can get it up with you when he isn't banging anyone else because it's his only option. When he had other options, you aren't as appealing, sexually.


Way to dismiss someone's sex appeal.
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  #16  
Old 06-21-2013, 05:41 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Originally Posted by charmedquark View Post



I knew that Brian was having PIV sex with his girlfriend because he came into the room where I was with my boyfriend and actually got a condom out of a drawer, right in front of us, without saying a word about it. I could not believe my eyes. After he left the room, I said to my boyfriend, "Did he just get what I think he did?" Brian then proceeded into the next room, where his girlfriend was. He left the door to the room they were in wide open and my boyfriend and I could hear them going at it. If it had not been dark in there, we would have seen everything too.

Yes, he did obey the letter of what I asked, in that I didn't SEE it. But I sure heard it, which was just as bad. And otherwise, it feels that he was very insensitive to what I was going through, and I still think he was making a promise. I know I probably should have flat out asked him not to have intercourse with her, but we have been together a long time, and I really thought saying, "I am not comfortable with you doing this, but I don't feel I can ask you not to do it, so let me just ask that you don't let me see it" would be sufficient for him to offer to not to do it at all. And I thought that was what he was doing. He doesn't see it that way though.
Whatever the letter of the agreement, this is just a shitty asshole action of Brian.

Anyone with half a brain and who even remotely cares about their partners well being would know that you are hurting in that moment, and would know what it is that is hurting you. And he knows, I'm assuming, because you told him in therapy and in private.

And he blatantly chooses to disregard your feelings and literally rubs your face in it.

If he really thought the promise was to not let you see it, there are so many other options he could have taken. He could have brought his own condoms. He could have gone out and bought some. He and her could have gone some other place. And most of all: HE COULD HAVE SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR!!

To me this is just too much disregard for your feelings, done not out of ignorance, but on purpose.

(I'm dealing with similar issues with regards to my husband. He has a lower libido than I have and it has been difficult knowing that he has sex with his girlfriend every other day almost, while we have gone without for weeks at the time because he wasn't in the mood. Although in our situation it is slightly different, mental, not physical, I completely understand the hurt and pain of your love not wanting / not being able to have sex with you. No matter how you rationalize it, it still hurts. )

And although I'm happy for my husband and his girlfriend, in my insecure moments, it still fucking hurts. Which is mine to deal with, but as a spouse, a partner and someone who cares for my feelings, when I ask him to do or not do things because I'm feeling insecure, he doesn't do those things.

And I don't mean interfering with their relationship, but I mean things like not talking on the phone with her about sexual things when I'm nearby. Normally not a problem, but sometimes it is. So out of consideration and basic respect, when I let him know I'm having issues, he respects that and doesn't purposefully push my buttons.

Actually, when I let him know that I'm insecure about him wanting her more than me, he makes sure that I feel loved and wanted, even though we cannot (medically, on my side) have sex right now.


Seriously, maybe I'm taking all this a bit personal, but Brian sounds like at least at this moment, he is an in mature, in considered asshole who doesn't think about your feelings and only selfishly thinks about his own.
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  #17  
Old 06-21-2013, 05:42 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Yeah, that's not sexual dysfunction. His penis is working just fine. Maybe, and this is going to sound really horrible, maybe, he can get it up with you when he isn't banging anyone else because it's his only option. When he had other options, you aren't as appealing, sexually.
Gee I wonder if that might be why shes feeling bad about it and finds herself thinking that the "answer" is to remove the option of him having sex with someone else.

Its a terrible idea but you can see where she's coming from.
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  #18  
Old 06-21-2013, 05:43 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Yeah, that's not sexual dysfunction. His penis is working just fine. Maybe, and this is going to sound really horrible, maybe, he can get it up with you when he isn't banging anyone else because it's his only option. When he had other options, you aren't as appealing, sexually.

Sexual disfunction can be mental as well as physical. It seems like he has some mental issues that cause his disfunction in certain circumstances.
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  #19  
Old 06-21-2013, 06:06 PM
charmedquark charmedquark is offline
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It's both psychological and physical, Ssandra, a combination of performance anxiety and hormonal problems. He was being treated for the hormonal problems at the time this happened, but the performance anxiety trumped everything. Our sex therapist said that he doesn't have the anxiety with new partners that he has with me, because he doesn't have any kind of history of failure to perform with them yet.

Thanks for sharing your story and for your sensitivity and empathy, which I see is not always a given on this forum.
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  #20  
Old 06-21-2013, 06:07 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by kkxvlv View Post
Gee I wonder if that might be why shes feeling bad about it and finds herself thinking that the "answer" is to remove the option of him having sex with someone else.

Its a terrible idea but you can see where she's coming from.
I just think this generally sounds like a sexual compatibility issue rather than a psychological issue. I did come across someone on OKC who said they actually limit the number if times they have sex with each partner so he can have regular sex with all partners. Maybe this might help the OP and her hubby.
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