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  #1  
Old 07-10-2013, 02:22 PM
wawa wawa is offline
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Hi, my lovely group of people,

I am new here. I donít know what to look for, I donít expect an immediate answer but it doesnít hurt to introduce myself and my situation.

I have a husband of 10 years, with a young daughter. I would say he is a very good friend. Intellectually, we connect pretty well. I was not very in love with him after a few years (I had passion at the beginning, but I was very young then, and he was my first and only man). Overall we were pretty stable and I was not doubting anything back then. I didnít have the concept of ďpersonal fulfillmentĒ in marriage since it is not there in my culture that I grew up with (yes, eastern Asian) , it is more about responsibility.

Then we moved here for higher education. Retrospectively thinking, the ideals of fulfillment, freedom etc started to grow in me, initially academically, then socially. It was just a matter of time that they reached my personal life. Overall, I would say in this past 10 years, I and my husband grew apart quite a bit, we both grew, but separately.

Then I fell for a man from my home country (BF, for clarity) mutually more than a year ago (was friend a year before that). I didnít actively look for another relationship since my expectation for relationships was met back then. Before him, I had some crashes on people, mostly in fantasy without getting to know the person. I had good relationship with men in general, affectionate and friendly. I have a couple of close male friends of many years that I can talk pretty much about anything. So it is not a lack of interaction with men in general. I am just very easily to be friend with men, but very difficult to pass the line to enter romantic territory. BF, I regarded him a very good friend that I can share any conversation and ideals. Then I suddenly realized we were in love. However, we were very long distance away so at that time, we didnít even meet in person.

This brought me about a year struggle with relationship with my husband, I told him about my emotional connection with BF once I was very sure (about a month later). This led to lots of growing pain, lots of reading and discussion, some consulting sessionsÖ Bottom line, I realized that my husband had higher expectation of the marriage, and still loves me, and felt hurt.

Our current situation: I and BF view each other as soul mate, we connected strongly, and we also met in person (the plan was agreed between me and my husband, but he was not light-hearted). We are long distance (the opposite sides of the earth so we are not really in each otherís life at this moment). I donít feel like needing other man romantically if not him. We both realized that our current priority is our family. We would meet once or twice a year, maybe more if we can move closer. We will wait till the kids left the house, if both households are stable for kids to grow up in.


I view my husband as family or friend, I didnít feel attracted and didnít feel intimate (I donít mean it canít be developed, but I doubt). Previously I have sex with him but I take it more as responsibility, now I donít feel like it, and I understand that would upset BF, even he wouldnít break up because of it. My and my husbandís priority is our daughter, and we learned to live with conflicts while respecting each other. We learned not to fight in front of our daughter. We both work to support the family, share house duties, very good collaboration on parenting. As long as we can live under the same roof in a peaceful and friendly way, I donít want to separate the family. Sometimes we take a walk or having conversation during dinner. I would say we get to know ourselves and each other better than before, minus intimacy.


They are both mono, probably quite exclusively. I really hope that my husband can find another interest, I wish he is happier. He made it clear that he respects my freedom, but he is not looking for others.


I think it is a situation that everyone is stuck, not fulfilling for anyone. At the same time, it seems no better other ways. None of us is really poly, but if we apply principles and arrangements as poly relationships, we may get the most out of it. The thing is that: I donít feel like having sex with my husband, I would rather be alone. I may do it as my responsibility, but I am not sure whether that does any good to anyone.

I think a good thing is that all of us are willing to wait for a looooooong time, to see where it goes. I write here now trying to see where may be a good directionÖ Thank you for reading if you get hereÖ
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  #2  
Old 07-10-2013, 03:38 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I hope it helped you to vent. I understand your culture's ideas about personal fulfillment, love, sex, marriage are quite different. I have dated a couple guys who were Korean and Vietnamese Americans, and had an Indian American guy interested in me for a long time, so know that approaches to relationships are different.

I hope your long distance relationship brings you joy and eventually may develop into something beautiful.
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Old 07-10-2013, 06:40 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Did I understand it correctly that you are at the moment not able to have sex with neither your husband nor your BF, because both would be jealous of the other?
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Old 07-10-2013, 08:09 PM
wawa wawa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Did I understand it correctly that you are at the moment not able to have sex with neither your husband nor your BF, because both would be jealous of the other?
Not exactly. I don't have sex with my husband because I don't enjoy it much, and that would upset BF.

I can't have sex with BF because we are not together. When we have chance, even phone sex, yes we have it.
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Old 07-11-2013, 09:39 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Is your husband happy with this arrangement?
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Old 07-12-2013, 01:59 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
My and my husbandís priority is our daughter, and we learned to live with conflicts while respecting each other. We learned not to fight in front of our daughter. We both work to support the family, share house duties, very good collaboration on parenting. As long as we can live under the same roof in a peaceful and friendly way, I donít want to separate the family. Sometimes we take a walk or having conversation during dinner. I would say we get to know ourselves and each other better than before, minus intimacy.
When you say "I don't want to separate the family" do you mean "get a divorce?"

Some people are divorced but live next door or even in the same house to make the co-parenting part easier. Could this be a consideration in your situation? Or is it out of the question?

Galagirl
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  #7  
Old 07-13-2013, 10:34 PM
wawa wawa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Is your husband happy with this arrangement?
This is not his ideal life. Maybe he needs to figure out how to be more content without intimacy with me?

What can I do for him is the question.
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Old 07-13-2013, 10:47 PM
wawa wawa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
When you say "I don't want to separate the family" do you mean "get a divorce?"

Some people are divorced but live next door or even in the same house to make the co-parenting part easier. Could this be a consideration in your situation? Or is it out of the question?

Galagirl
Ah, that would suit me very well! Financially it is not a good time now, but I see down the way, I will be able to do that. "Divorce" would be a word that he is afraid about so I will give us plenty of time. The future I see is that, no matter whether there is another man or who else I connect, my feeling towards him is not very different.

If that is what he can live on, I will learn to accept his preference and try not to disprove that (he put responsibility before personal happiness, though what is responsibility is also a vague term in our case). If one day he wants to try other options, independent of me, I want to be all supportive.
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Old 07-14-2013, 02:24 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So you are thinking that when finances allow, you will be seeking to file divorce papers? And you are asking for advice/suggestions to help weather the transition time toward that with your spouse as peacefully as possible under the circumstances? If so....

Could make him aware that at this time, this is where your thoughts are -- moving toward eventual divorce. Could separate finances now -- not too many joint checking accounts. None or just ONE for the house bills. Protects you both from one or the other going nuts and wiping out all the finances.

Don't have "pity sex" with him. That's not respectful to him or to you. If you feel kindness/friend affections toward him still, keep it in that bucket. Hugs ok, sex no. "Uncoupling" or "detaching" needs space to happen. Could not make healing harder by sending mixed messages and not making the space.

If you can manage to sleep in separate rooms that could help. Pretty weird to be sleeping in the same bed right now. Like the emotional space, some phsyical space, mental space, spiritual space could be made. So you can both start to move to "friends and coparents only" rather than "Friends, lovers, spouses, and copoarents."

Could educate selves on the divorce laws in your area. Sometimes there's classes -- maybe that could help you navigate "life after divorce" preparedness. Coudl talk about navigating the mourning for the marriage that has ended. Stages of grief navigation. Maybe you both want to see a counselor to guide you through it. Maybe a mediator.

Could let the family and friends know, and let them know how to best support you both in this transition time.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-14-2013 at 02:32 AM.
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  #10  
Old 07-14-2013, 03:03 AM
wawa wawa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So you are thinking that when finances allow, you will be seeking to file divorce papers? And you are asking for advice/suggestions to help weather the transition time toward that with your spouse as peacefully as possible under the circumstances? If so....

Could make him aware that at this time, this is where your thoughts are -- moving toward eventual divorce. Could separate finances now -- not too many joint checking accounts. None or just ONE for the house bills. Protects you both from one or the other going nuts and wiping out all the finances.

Don't have "pity sex" with him. That's not respectful to him or to you. If you feel kindness/friend affections toward him still, keep it in that bucket. Hugs ok, sex no. "Uncoupling" or "detaching" needs space to happen. Could not make healing harder by sending mixed messages and not making the space.

If you can manage to sleep in separate rooms that could help. Pretty weird to be sleeping in the same bed right now. Like the emotional space, some phsyical space, mental space, spiritual space could be made. So you can both start to move to "friends and coparents only" rather than "Friends, lovers, spouses, and copoarents."

Could educate selves on the divorce laws in your area. Sometimes there's classes -- maybe that could help you navigate "life after divorce" preparedness. Coudl talk about navigating the mourning for the marriage that has ended. Stages of grief navigation. Maybe you both want to see a counselor to guide you through it. Maybe a mediator.

Could let the family and friends know, and let them know how to best support you both in this transition time.

Galagirl
I am very very grateful for these... I needed someone to tell me "don't have pity sex with him" probably from a very long time ago...... I am grateful for all the other detailed plans. All these relationship books teach people how to improve relationship, and I beated myself up till I resent him. I feel much much better and calmer when I don't have to, even better when he doesn't show interest. Ah...

The detaching is happening, we slept in different rooms, spending time by ourselves at night. I felt more respect towards him when there is distant and just be friends, then i genuiely feel friendly affection towards him. I beat myself up because I think he is not content, and it is my fault. But no, now I see that better.
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