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  #31  
Old 01-20-2011, 08:43 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Correction:

My last post should read:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
When I am experiencing some emotion (sadness, fear, joy, whatever) and I cannot identify why, here's what I do:
This is a fine example of why I outght to proofread my posts before submitting.
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  #32  
Old 01-20-2011, 08:58 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Correction:

My last post should read:



This is a fine example of why I outght to proofread my posts before submitting.
Or within 12 hours after submitting
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  #33  
Old 01-21-2011, 06:37 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I noticed something tonight. H gf was on web cam and so was I. We watched a show together and talked and laughed. We had a really good time talking about everything. When my husband got on line he turned his cam on and started watching hers. She saw him and got so sad. It has been a couple of weeks since they have been able to see each other. I noticed there was no more laughing and smiling. You could see the pain on her face from being away from him so long. I was so sad. We started talking about what she was feeling and we both cried. While it was a sad night it was a healing on as well.
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  #34  
Old 01-22-2011, 10:36 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I sat alone the other night trying to figure out what my problem was. I figured it out but then didn't know how to go about telling my husband. Since this is something that I have kept bottled up inside for quite sometime now, I wasn't sure if it was something I would ever be able to tell him. I have never told anyone. To scared that it would change my life and my husband wouldn't understand. It is about 4:30 in the morning now and I can't sleep. There is too much going on in my head.

When I went to bed tonight it was weighing heavy on me. He could tell something was wrong. He asked me what was wrong and I pulled the"nothing baby" card. He didn't buy it at all. He kept pressing and I wanted to tell him so badly, I just had no idea how to go about telling him I had serious feelings fro his our best friend and had for a long time. After telling him how much I loved him and how I was affraid if I told him what was wrong with me that he might feel differently about me, I told him I had feelings for someone. He asked if I was going to leave him and of course it didn't. I told him that nothing had to change and that I will always love him and nothing would change that. He asked me who it was and I opened my mouth to tell him but nothing came out. I tried again with the same result. He was getting worried because there has never been something that we couldn't talk about. He asked if it was my ex bf and I said hell no. He told me he might have to have me committed if that was the case. lol He asked me who it was then. I told him after years of holding it all in and pushing it deep inside of me. All he said was"I know" He was calm and was running his hand up and down my back. I was shocked. He told me that he has known for some time. I asked him how and he said "I know you baby". I cried and asked why he didn't say anything. lol He said "why would I?" ok good point. He said he was fine and that he didn't have any worries or concerns about it.

So why am I freaking out? I keep thinking all kinds of bad things. Will this change everything? Will he not love me the same anymore? What have I done?
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  #35  
Old 01-22-2011, 02:03 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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You're freaking out because it's a new feeling....You're freaking out because you're just now admitting it to yourself.....You're freaking out because you, like most people, were probably raised to believe that manogamy was the only "right" way.

Relax, and rest assured that your husband supports you and loves you immensely. Worry less, and love more. Hard to do, I know. It took me almost 2 years to admit my feelings, that I had for my wife and I's ex, to myself. Not to mention admit it to my wife.

When I finally admitted it to myself....it was hard. But admitting it to my wife...SO much harder!
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  #36  
Old 01-22-2011, 04:47 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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My husband is the most loving, caring and understanding man I have ever known. He knows that there is nothing that could possibly "take me away" from him. He is my gift from God.

I don't know what to do about my feelings though. I told my husband nothing has to change and it doesn't. I don't even know how J would feel if I ever did tell him. He is a great guy and deserves to have all of his dreams come true. He wants kids one day and that is not something I can never do for him. I don't want to confuse his life by telling him something like this. I will let everything ride and just wait to see if my husband brings any of this up. I am the type of person who needs to talk about things in order to work them out. Hubby is not one of those people. I will not push anything it was a big enough step just admitting it to my self and saying it out loud. Maybe when we are both comfortable knowing it then we can work on whats next.
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  #37  
Old 01-22-2011, 04:55 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Yes, knowing you love someone who you can not have, is like a living death. Being in love with someone who definatly WANTS kids, though, is not an impossibility. It is a challenge, for sure, but not an impossibility. Think outside the box. There is always adoption. Just an option. Or surrogacy. Another option.....

Right now, you probably feel like you should ride it out, but...I tend to act first and ask for forgivness later. You only live once.......Try living.











The previous has been a message with seemingly obvious undertones and insinuations. Please feel free to read between the lines.
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  #38  
Old 01-22-2011, 06:52 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Am I missing something? I don't understand.

You and your husband are solid in your relationship. Y'all have agreed to be polyamorous. Y'all have progressed along that path to the extent that he already has a girlfriend.

In what way would you loving someone in addition to your husband change everything? It seems to me to be a reasonable step in the process y'all have already started. (I'm not talking now of changing your relationship with your friend. That's something to be worked out between all concerned parties. I'm talking about your romantic feelings.)

Maybe you have surprised yourself with this realization? From what you write, it's huge to you, but old news to your husband. Perhaps you mainly need some time to process it? There's nothing at all wrong in taking some time to examine and get comfortable with this new revelation. Could it be that some part of you is feeling that the SHOULD be some crisis here, based perhaps on societal norms?
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  #39  
Old 01-22-2011, 08:35 PM
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I agree with Fidelia. I would give it some time. I think you need to just sit with all this for awhile and see what trickles down... if you have been keeping all that in then it's being out in the open will take some time to adjust to. Just breath through it and when it feels normal, then see what you think you should do next and start talking again.
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  #40  
Old 01-23-2011, 01:50 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Am I missing something? I don't understand.

You and your husband are solid in your relationship. Y'all have agreed to be polyamorous. Y'all have progressed along that path to the extent that he already has a girlfriend.

In what way would you loving someone in addition to your husband change everything? It seems to me to be a reasonable step in the process y'all have already started. (I'm not talking now of changing your relationship with your friend. That's something to be worked out between all concerned parties. I'm talking about your romantic feelings.)

Maybe you have surprised yourself with this realization? From what you write, it's huge to you, but old news to your husband. Perhaps you mainly need some time to process it? There's nothing at all wrong in taking some time to examine and get comfortable with this new revelation. Could it be that some part of you is feeling that the SHOULD be some crisis here, based perhaps on societal norms?
I think it is the not knowing how it would make H feel. I LOVE seeing him with his gf. They are both great people and when I see them together I couldn't be happier. I don't know if he would be ready to see me with someone yet. And his best friend to beat all. I guess it isn't such a stretch. J has always been there for us. He lived with us in the beginning of our relationship. I used to joke that he was my other husband because he would help out with the house and help care for the kids. I don't know how long I have felt this way about him. I realized it a year or two ago before we discovered polyamory so I pushed all of those feelings down and tried not to let them show. I didn't tell anyone about how I felt. About a year my Best friend, who did not agree with the swinger life, was having a hard time with her husband. He had cheated on her many times and they had separated for about a year. He came back into her life and they tried for the fifth time to make it work. He had a gf in a different state and wanted out of the marriage. Even though I had never been anything but nice to him, he told her that we had slept together 4 years earlier. She called me all kinds of names and I was crushed that she would believe him after all they had been through. She in turn tried to convince my H that I had an affair with both of his closest friends. He didn't believe her of course half of what she told him he knew for a fact was a lie. I called off the swinging because I was afraid that our base wasn't stable anymore. When I opened our marriage back up everything was going fine. Then H fell in love. I was surprisingly happy. I started researching how this might all play out when I found polyamory. We talked A LOT about it and decided that it made perfect sense to us. This would be the first time he has had to deal with me having feelings for someone else. I worry that he will look back and start questioning everything he was told and start to doubt me. I just want him to be comfortable with these new feelings before I go and tell J how I feel about him.
I hope this makes sense to someone besides my self.

Last edited by lovinhimloviner; 01-23-2011 at 01:56 AM.
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