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  #1  
Old 06-17-2013, 08:32 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Unhappy My partner's significant other is leaving

What do you do when you're a secondary, and your partner's primary leaves? It's rather pressuring to suddenly find yourself your partner's one and only, when you deliberately chose a setup where you had less responsibilities. Am I obligated to stay? Should I feel GUILTY for staying, as if I'm the "other woman" who forced the breakup? What happens to your future plans? Is it okay to feel angry towards the person leaving? What if there are children? Do you have any right to stay a part of their lives?

...very confused...
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Old 06-17-2013, 09:04 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
What do you do when you're a secondary, and your partner's primary leaves? It's rather pressuring to suddenly find yourself your partner's one and only, when you deliberately chose a setup where you had less responsibilities.Am I obligated to stay? Should I feel GUILTY for staying, as if I'm the "other woman" who forced the breakup? What happens to your future plans?

...very confused...
Because she broke up with her primary doesn't mean that you now suddenly no longer have any control over your time and emotions. You still retain all rights over your level of involvement.

Should she start making demands on you that you are not comfortable with it is up to you to voice your preferences and to let her know where you stand.

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Is it okay to feel angry towards the person leaving? What if there are children? Do you have any right to stay a part of their lives?
Is this just theoretical? Are there children? Are you angry? Have you been asked to get out of her life?
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Old 06-17-2013, 09:28 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Yes, it's about the kids

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Because she broke up with her primary doesn't mean that you now suddenly no longer have any control over your time and emotions. You still retain all rights over your level of involvement.
She? Sorry for confusion, but I am dating the man. His wife is making no demands on me, in fact, she is quite happy ignoring me for now. Yes, there are other issues at hand. I will say, though, that his and her original arrangement allowed for him to have me as a girlfriend, and she has multiple boyfriends of her own.

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Is this just theoretical? Are there children? Are you angry? Have you been asked to get out of her life?
Yes, I am angry. She hurt him badly, and I love him. I told her flat out that I wanted to be part of her life-- she rejected that. I know she hates the idea of me being around him, and would like him lonely and desperate and missing her. But she also has made it clear she doesn't want me around the kids, even though I'm one of the most reliable people in their (and his) life. Should I let her take that from them, like she'd like to take me away from him? In his case, we're both grown adults, and he and I are going to be there for each other. But perhaps I don't have that same right to his children? I honestly would like opinions.
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Old 06-17-2013, 09:32 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Why would you have to end your relationship because theirs fell apart?
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Old 06-17-2013, 09:36 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
she also has made it clear she doesn't want me around the kids, even though I'm one of the most reliable people in their (and his) life. Should I let her take that from them, like she'd like to take me away from him? In his case, we're both grown adults, and he and I are going to be there for each other. But perhaps I don't have that same right to his children? I honestly would like opinions.
Are they divorcing? Any such demand would have to be made (at least in my state) in the co-parenting agreement. YOU may not have those rights (as a non-parent), but HE has the right, as their father, to decide that you can be in their lives.

It's not a matter of you letting her do anything, but a matter of what he and she draw up as part of their divorce settlement. If they aren't divorcing, then expect this to be a mess for a very long time.
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Old 06-18-2013, 12:22 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
Am I obligated to stay?
You are not obligated to do anything. You are not obligated to take your next breath if you don't want to.


Quote:
Should I feel GUILTY for staying
I don't know. Do you?


as
Quote:
if I'm the "other woman" who forced the breakup?
I don't know. Did you?
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  #7  
Old 06-18-2013, 04:48 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
But she also has made it clear she doesn't want me around the kids, even though I'm one of the most reliable people in their (and his) life. Should I let her take that from them, like she'd like to take me away from him? In his case, we're both grown adults, and he and I are going to be there for each other. But perhaps I don't have that same right to his children? I honestly would like opinions.
They're not your children. You have no legal rights to anything regarding them. It's not up to you to 'let her' or not 'let her' do anything regarding her children.

YouAreHere is right that their father has some say over who they say. But let him and her work it out between them.
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  #8  
Old 06-18-2013, 12:04 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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I think this is my answer to most questions, you need to get your feelings out in the open. As I say this, I have some feelings I need to get out in the open in my relationship.

Harboring unpleasant feelings, worrying, etc. is just going to make you crazy. It sounds like a time of great upheaval for everyone so of course you aren't feeling great.

Like PPs, of course you aren't obligated to do anything you don't want to. Get honest with yourself & get honest with your partner.
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  #9  
Old 06-18-2013, 12:44 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I am so sorry. I understand about the children. (Just posted in the Intro section "Re-introduction.") I lived with a couple and their children for a year as the wife went from having pushed for our triad to changing her mind for reasons she couldn't explain. She waited long enough for her husband and I have grown to love each other, and for me to become attached to the children.

Long story short, two marriage counselors and a year after I left, and they are divorcing. She has told the children that I am the cause of the divorce, and the few times I have been around them, they do not engage me. And yes, their dad has explained that I am not the cause, but they are young, and cannot stand against their mother. So I lost them. I had to accept the fact that there was nothing I could do. It hurt and I was very angry. I hope when they are older this can change, but it may not.

I wish I had something more profound to say. I know how much that part in particular sucks.
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  #10  
Old 06-18-2013, 01:39 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Were you all living together? If not, I see no reason for you to make any changes in your relationship with him, just because his relationship with her ended. You manage your relationships and let him manage his. If you are living together, you may want to move out to be on your own so you can have the space and lesser responsibilities in the relationship that you want.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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