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  #11  
Old 06-17-2013, 08:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I told him i worry about that, and he kind of just said nothing.
That sounds like expressing worry. It doesn't sound like you asked for reassure. What was it verbatim?


Don't confuse "having needs" with "being needy." Perhaps being more assertive could help you? You feel whatever it is you feel. But if you don't like how you are feeling, change your behavior, see how THAT feels, and see if it serves you better.

Could just ASK for what you want and see what happens.

If you don't want to hear about his wife stuff, could ask him not to tell you about his wife stuff. "Could you please not tell me about your wife stuff? It triggers me. Thank you."

If you want reassure from him, you could ask him. "Could you please reassure me that you aren't going to just break up with me to please her? There would be a heads up talk first? Could you reassure me that I would get that?"

You expressing worries "I am worried about _____" let's him know you ARE worried, but it isn't asking him to do anything to reassure you. Spell it out. Don't expect mind readering.

If these are things you want -- more flirting, more touching, and more affectionate texts etc. -- ASK. If he is willing to provide it, great. If not, great. You get to know that perhaps this person is not willing/able to meet your need and you get to know that perhaps this person is not the best match for you. That's what dating is FOR. To figure out the compatible ones.

Galagirl
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  #12  
Old 06-17-2013, 09:07 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"But then today he was commenting on wanting time to cuddle her without her talking to her other partner"

The potential issue that I see in this is that he's saying that he feels like he can't have one-on-one time with his partner without her other relationship interfering... while allowing his other relationship to interfere with his one-on-one time with you. It's one thing to mention that it's bugging him, but if it's all the time, I think it's perfectly reasonable to point out this hypocrisy to him and ask him to dial it back, and to not share super personal things.
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  #13  
Old 06-20-2013, 03:54 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Thanks for the replies Marcus and Evad, very helpful and insightful. I talked with my boyfriend about how hearing him saying how he wants time with his spouse, love from her etc...i just also want to hear he wants those from me. Funny, but one thing that had irked me that he said about her, he ended up saying about me a few days later and helped me remember we are both important to him.
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  #14  
Old 06-20-2013, 03:56 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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@Gala, just saw your other comment and that was great too thank you, he finally got that i wanted reassurance, while i also realized i tend to be too anxious and expect an over abundance of reassurance. hes been trying to text, talk a little more and its helpful.
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  #15  
Old 06-28-2013, 03:24 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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So im reviving this thread cause its relevant, and hopefully you all arent tired of me yet BF is still having troubles with his spouse, he is about to leave on a trip and he has recognized that while ive been warm and attentive, she is being a little distant. He tells me about his hurt feelings with the way she is acting, but does not tell her. Im seeing him off later today, so there last interaction was this morning and while he feels things have smoothed over, it still sounds rocky.

I explained to him last ngiht that Im happy to listen, to support, to offer advise...but its when my words go unheeded and he continues to gripe to me, then do nothing about the issues that i get frustrated and a little resentful. I want him to be happy, and I want him to assert himself which i think is something he hasnt done in a very long time. Im encouraging him to do so...I just hope that their communicaiton problems, and his worry about her is detrimental to our relationship.

Im not sure any of that warrants a reply, but there it is. Im just trying to remind myself to be the best partner I can be and let them work their stuff out

edited: ok i do know what bothers me, im afraid he'll take my listening for granted, and i'll keep being his shoulder to cry on while he tries to please her and ignores his needs.
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Last edited by gorgeouskitten; 06-28-2013 at 03:34 PM.
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  #16  
Old 06-28-2013, 03:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you feel UGH right now.

Quote:
I explained to him last ngiht that Im happy to listen, to support, to offer advise...but its when my words go unheeded and he continues to gripe to me, then do nothing about the issues that i get frustrated and a little resentful.
I see where it bugs you.

If YOU want to feel better... could ask him what the job is here and what he expects of your role here.

In the quote above, you do not cite any boundaries or limits. If you get frustrated that you are in an endless suckage hamster wheel? You could realize you could ask for clarification, and/or could step OFF any time you choose.

When talking to him you could be assertive and state the limits. Maybe something like...
"Am I just Safe Ear for Venting? If so, I can do about 5 gallons. When I'm full, I'm letting you know, and then if you still have gallons behind the dam there.... you just need to find someone ELSE to vent to also. I cannot hold it all on this one. If it were a 1 gallon problem, ok. But you have LOTS. "

"Am I Safe Ear for Venting AND Feedback? If so, I can do the above up to 5 gallons, and give some feedback, but if you aren't taking action at some point with your own choices, considering feedback from me or others, then I am withdrawing my willingness to listen and give feedback on this one. There's being supportive GF and being sucked-dry GF. I'm not up for endless suckage -- I don't need to be vampired."
You figure out how you want to word it. But could word it and state it. Could find a healthy balance for yourself. You are responsible for your OWN well being. Could state/accept your personal limitations.

Otherwise when it BECOMES endless suckage? Who's going to nip it in the bud? Prob not the vampires.

It has to be YOU.

I see where you encourage him to be assertive. That applies to you as well, right?

Hang in there.

GL!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-28-2013 at 04:25 PM.
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  #17  
Old 06-28-2013, 03:43 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Gala, you always have the best stuff to say!! I did tell him last night when i was getting full. I was like H., we've talked a lot about this, i understand your hurt, ive told you what i think, but there is nothing else to say about it until you talk to her.

I might broach it will him again when he returns, but for today Im super happy i get to see him off!!
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