Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:09 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Question what's my problem? not wanting to hear some metamour details

Hi all. So this is only my third post, but hoping i can get some feedback, advice, or just people who've been there. Im married to a super guy, and have a boyfriend who was poly before me but turns out (since im his first relationship) his spouse isnt as on board as I thoguht she was going to be. Anyway, ive been listening to him about arguements etc with her, and being supportive, and thats ok. But then today he was commenting on wanting time to cuddle her without her talking to her other partner, and the things he doesnt want to loose in their relationship and it bothered me. I cant even really put my finger on it, am I being overly sensitive?
I dont mind hearing about sex, or their plans, but i felt these were intimate details that made me feel like he were talking to a buddy instead of his girlfriend. With my spouse i can talk him through how to get a date with a girl, if it seems like shes into him, etc but talking with my bf about his marriage is striking a different chord.

Any comments? Advice? Im happy to provide any further info

Edit: the more i think about it, i guess part of whats bugging me is that for a while he seemed really into me, and us, and wasnt worried about his spouse (not that he didnt care, just wasnt worried) and now it feels like he is so worried about them that Im just not that important. He said the other day that if i didnt want to be with him, he'd still love me but he'd want me to be happy and move on. I guess I wanted him to declare how badly he wants me to stay instead, which is maybe unfair and less mature?
__________________
keep on keeping on

Last edited by gorgeouskitten; 06-17-2013 at 06:02 PM. Reason: additional info
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:20 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Dude, I've been having similar issues, myself. What I've isolated is that whilst he is with her and she wants monogamy, it's going to make me feel rocky. Just because she has laid out a monogamous relationship with her as an option. Something I couldn't offer him and if he took that option with her, it would exclude me. However, I posted a thread on here in which Marcus helped immensely, but I thought about what is going on a bit more logically. Sadly, her desire for him to be monogamous is killing his love for her. I can tell that by what he says. That might not be relevant for you though. But I'm as sure as I can be that he doesn't want to be monogamous with anyone, and that alleviates some of my concerns.

Last edited by london; 06-17-2013 at 05:26 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,224
Default

If hearing about his personal problems with his wife feels uncomfortable to you, it feels uncomfortable.

As for guessing why it makes you uncomfortable (really only you know...)
What's is your need from BF? Could take a need inventory to see if that helps you articulate it to yourself.

Is it that you are ok hearing him with wife problems because you know your own place in his life is secure? But then hearing how much he wants connection with her is perceived as "going toward her and away from me" so that's putting you on shaky ground emotionally? You don't like talking about emotional subjects or emotional intimacy? Something else? (I could be guessing wrong. )

Quote:
i felt these were intimate details that made me feel like he were talking to a buddy instead of his girlfriend.
A GF is not also a friend? Or is it that you are relatively new GF and this is getting too heavy too fast?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-17-2013 at 05:23 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:30 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

@London, thanks for calling me dude. i love that, i dude all the time. lol. ANyway, not quite the same but i totally hear you...she is poly, has had more partners than he has, but im his first and i get the impression she isnt dealing that well with that.

@Gala, well I was his friend long before his girlfriend, im used to listening i just feel like he should take advantage of the fact that i'l listen? i dunno, im confusing myself on this one! I think you are right i didnt like hearing about the emotional intimacy because it felt like he was moving more towards her..I dont feel particularly secure in our relationship because i feel like she isnt actually OK with it and he is going to do what he can to please her, potentially at my detrimant.

or i just need to calm the F down?
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,224
Default

Quote:
I dont feel particularly secure in our relationship because i feel like she isnt actually OK with it and he is going to do what he can to please her, potentially at my detrimant.
Well... there ya go. You nailed it.

So you could ask him to reassure you that he isn't going to throw you under the bus. Then you could feel better, and be ok listening to his stuff about her without it trigger you like this?

Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:47 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

I told him i worry about that, and he kind of just said nothing. He did say he felt when he improves his communication skills things will get easier, so maybe im over reacting. Im kind of the anxious relationship type, and while my husband is very doting and reassuring all the time, bf isnt really like that (with me, he might be with the spouse)
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-17-2013, 06:19 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,103
Default

There is nothing wrong with saying please do not pull me into your marriage problems it makes me uncomfortable. And explain why. My bf doesn't like to hear about my marriage. Because if he feels like my husband is doing something wrong then he wants to defend me.

Plus some people just cannot carry another's security issues in a relationship. For example I tend to overthink the small things. When we are solo my bf is very playful, Flirty,touchy feely. Not his normal persona tbh. When my kids are along for the weekend that sort of dries up. Come to find out he didn't know where the line was with the PDAs. He is not a man of many words so that little small touches and etc are important to me. If they stop then I worry.

It is my issue not his.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-17-2013, 06:23 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

@Dagferi, thank you! that was insightful. I know a lot of it is my own issues too..i want for flirting, more touching, and more affectionate texts etc. I need a lot, and thats not really his problem. i guess I can just ask him not to go into the spouse stuff, but I also dont want to be shutting him out in anyway.
Silly, but part of what got me on the cuddling comment was im going over there later to cuddle on the same couch. i know it doesnt matter, i know i like being poly, yet sometimes these little silly things get me!
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-17-2013, 07:05 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi
He is not a man of many words so that little small touches and etc are important to me. If they stop then I worry.

It is my issue not his
Good for you Dagferi; understanding where you end and everyone else begins is primary to being able to have a healthy relationship, imo.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I know a lot of it is my own issues too..i want for flirting, more touching, and more affectionate texts etc. I need a lot, and thats not really his problem.
It isn't his problem but, it's not unreasonable for you to think that sucks. Some people have a great ability to identify their own issues and never project these issues onto other people. The rest of us have to hope that we can identify that we are putting the burden of our feelings onto someone else before we allow our feelings to turn into action. I find that I am better at it, as time goes along and I would consider myself to be in the advanced class of personal accountability - but sometimes reality can go screw itself and I just want someone to fix my problems for me.

As long as I remember that a feeling (even one that is totally irrational) is not intrinsically bad - allowing irrational feelings to motivate my action is almost certainly going to end in pain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
i guess I can just ask him not to go into the spouse stuff, but I also dont want to be shutting him out in anyway.
Unfortunately that's the risk, so if you do decide you want to curb how much information you get about his spouse then I suggest you do some thinking before putting it into words. If you can identify exactly what it is that you don't care to hear and can express that to him then you can decrease the chance that he will clam up entirely.

However, finding out *why* this information feels ugly to you will get you farther. Dealing with those emotions is always going to be more productive in the long term than trying to limit the information coming in. One is a solution, the other is a bandaid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
Silly, but part of what got me on the cuddling comment was im going over there later to cuddle on the same couch. i know it doesnt matter, i know i like being poly, yet sometimes these little silly things get me!
That is silly, and possessive. Recognizing that is a good first step but getting that crap out of your head is going to greatly improve your ability to relate to your partners more effortlessly. I don't know what works for you, but sometimes I will fall back on a mantra to repeat until I can get free of those emotions. "That is not mine to control" or "It makes me happy to know that my partner is happy". It's kind of hokey, I know, but if it is being a little hokey or damaging my relationships because I'm being immature... I'll take hokey.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-17-2013, 08:31 PM
Nox Nox is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 219
Default

Kitten,

fwiw, T uses me to complain about her other relationships. She's secure enough in me to know it won't push me away. I'm not sure that I like hearing about it all the time, and contrary to what you're hearing, her's is always, "I don't hear from them often enough" or "they did something that hurt my feelings" as opposed to "I need more love from them."

Still, what gets me through it is understanding that I'd rather her come to me with intimate details of her life, than not. Maybe one day if the passion dies it will cause issues, but for now, I get both, and that's good for the long run.... I think.
__________________
Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:05 AM.