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  #51  
Old 06-23-2013, 12:26 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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The only thing that ever truly stops a person from changing is the belief that they cannot change.

It doesn't take much thinking to get around your objections.

For example, is this the only house for sale in the city? Buying her house made sense when you were together, but obviously your situation has changed and that probably doesn't make sense any more.

If it's a duplex, then each apartment has its own kitchen, so your excuse that she has to cook at your place is complete hogwash.

FFS, quit using the dog as an excuse. If it's really that big of a deal, you could swap apartments so that she could live downstairs with her dog.

More than anything, your excuses prove that you really don't want to change the situation, that you're a masochist who likes living in misery. I'm not sure what you actually hope to find here?
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  #52  
Old 06-23-2013, 02:35 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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My ex is doing this exact same thing sort of, with their most recent/current/soon to be erstwhile / hanging on for dear life or death whichever comes first / ex. Not the part about living together they moved out but they have dogs and she works for his company but she pays HIM instead and it's fucked up. But it's excuses excuses and i cant have her move in because i have cats and we tried it already last time she fucked up her life and it did not work out, tl;dr.

I have also been on the other side and back again to varying degrees, one or the other. So you see even though i don't write an autobiography for posterity every time i dictate what other people should do, these words come from a place known as reality and experience, not fantasy or hypothetical reality.
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  #53  
Old 06-23-2013, 08:34 AM
onoma onoma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
The only thing that ever truly stops a person from changing is the belief that they cannot change.

It doesn't take much thinking to get around your objections.

For example, is this the only house for sale in the city? Buying her house made sense when you were together, but obviously your situation has changed and that probably doesn't make sense any more.
I wasn't buying it because we were together, I'm buying it partly as a favor to her... but mostly because I can rent out one apartment for a profit. Yes, there are other houses but I'm not going to betray her that much. Also, the mortgage application is already in... basically just waiting for it to close now.

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If it's a duplex, then each apartment has its own kitchen, so your excuse that she has to cook at your place is complete hogwash.
I never said she has to, I said she does. I will be talking to her soon about getting her own food for her own apartment.

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FFS, quit using the dog as an excuse. If it's really that big of a deal, you could swap apartments so that she could live downstairs with her dog.
Right, because I really want to move a 56" tv and king size bed upstairs for two months. Or go without those things... seriously, her tv is smaller than my computer monitor....

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More than anything, your excuses prove that you really don't want to change the situation, that you're a masochist who likes living in misery. I'm not sure what you actually hope to find here?
No, the situation is just complicated. People love to make things simple when giving advice, but things rarely are. Married women get halfway houses to get a new start for instance, but if things were just as simple as saying "we're done let's separate and move on" there would be no need for halfway houses.
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  #54  
Old 06-23-2013, 08:39 AM
onoma onoma is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
My ex is doing this exact same thing sort of, with their most recent/current/soon to be erstwhile / hanging on for dear life or death whichever comes first / ex. Not the part about living together they moved out but they have dogs and she works for his company but she pays HIM instead and it's fucked up. But it's excuses excuses and i cant have her move in because i have cats and we tried it already last time she fucked up her life and it did not work out, tl;dr.

I have also been on the other side and back again to varying degrees, one or the other. So you see even though i don't write an autobiography for posterity every time i dictate what other people should do, these words come from a place known as reality and experience, not fantasy or hypothetical reality.
So you've been in the situation(s) multiple times, but can't understand what is happening with me? :P
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  #55  
Old 06-23-2013, 03:51 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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So you've been in the situation(s) multiple times, but can't understand what is happening with me? :P
Wow you really like to twist things around. Sticking your tongue out at me is pretty irrelevant too. Is that supposed to mean that you made a counterpoint or what does it signify? Humor? Hostility? Not sure if i should feel "dismissed", or not.

Hello? I DO understand what is happening with you. I understand how to make it UNhappen. And the point of talking these things over with strangers on the internet is to get the benefit of other people's experience, is it not? That is why i'm here. Just because i don't start threads about things that other people have discussed to a pulp, does not mean i am disinterested in their process.

You are a waste of my time. All you want to do is explain why you "can't". Now it's not the dog anymore, it's the TV. It is obvious that these material possessions have a lot of power over your personal life and relationship decisions. Nothing wrong with that, but you have made your choices and you must live with them, no one else must do so.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-23-2013 at 03:56 PM.
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  #56  
Old 06-24-2013, 12:58 AM
onoma onoma is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Wow you really like to twist things around. Sticking your tongue out at me is pretty irrelevant too. Is that supposed to mean that you made a counterpoint or what does it signify? Humor? Hostility? Not sure if i should feel "dismissed", or not.
Humor. I was being a bit tongue-in-cheek.

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Hello? I DO understand what is happening with you. I understand how to make it UNhappen. And the point of talking these things over with strangers on the internet is to get the benefit of other people's experience, is it not? That is why i'm here. Just because i don't start threads about things that other people have discussed to a pulp, does not mean i am disinterested in their process.
Yes, but it's a double-edged sword as well because it seems much simpler when you're giving the advice and don't really know all the details of a situation. Keep in mind I'm not saying you, or anyone else here, is wrong about the advice... I'm mostly just adding detail where I think a point was missed.

For instance, "just move out" seems simple on the surface but logistically it's actually pretty complex. This is why halfway houses exist for women to get out of abusive relationships. Just moving out is really easy to say, and is correct... but it's not always easy to DO.

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You are a waste of my time.
Now THAT is hostile...

Quote:
All you want to do is explain why you "can't". Now it's not the dog anymore, it's the TV. It is obvious that these material possessions have a lot of power over your personal life and relationship decisions. Nothing wrong with that, but you have made your choices and you must live with them, no one else must do so.
The tv and bed were a quick, drunken example at 4:30am. Swapping apartments only really takes care of the dog, but nothing else without a lot of logistics to take care of.
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  #57  
Old 06-24-2013, 02:36 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by onoma View Post

Now THAT is hostile...


No, it is not "hostile". I am not "attacking" you. I'm DISMISSING you. YOU are a waste of my time, but this thread is being viewed by others to whom these posts may NOT be a waste.

(Is "hostile" the new showstopper lately? All someone has to do is decide another person "is" hostile and all bets are off?)

Just wanted to clarify my intent there, like it says to do in the rules. I don't want to get in trouble for "perceived hostility".

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-24-2013 at 02:39 AM.
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  #58  
Old 06-24-2013, 07:39 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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The tv and bed were a quick, drunken example at 4:30am. .
Didn't you write that you were drunk at another point as well? Are you getting drunk at lot? I would watch out for that, I personally have two friends I love who turned to drink after the loss of a relationship. If this situation is making you so miserable that you are finding solace in the bottle, don't you think you need to find your backbone and take control back of your life?
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  #59  
Old 06-24-2013, 03:00 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Didn't you write that you were drunk at another point as well? Are you getting drunk at lot? I would watch out for that, I personally have two friends I love who turned to drink after the loss of a relationship. If this situation is making you so miserable that you are finding solace in the bottle, don't you think you need to find your backbone and take control back of your life?
Saturday night I went out, that's all. Was less about seeking solace than about trying to be out there...
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  #60  
Old 06-24-2013, 04:43 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Ok good, but no one tends to fancy the drunk man so just be careful!!
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