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  #31  
Old 06-18-2013, 11:32 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by onoma View Post
No. I want an open relationship for other reasons, and that became known two years ago.



That's just it. Every time I try to break up, I get hit with a bunch of guilt trips ranging from "you promised we'd be friends" to "you're the only support I have." The fighting, guilt trips and other stuff eventually wear me down. When I try to move on... if there's any hint I might be dating, talking to women or even as little as going to a strip club with some friends she gets really pissed and starts a fight with me.

Again, you'll say I should just not get drawn into the fight... but that's very difficult for me.

Ask yourself this: would you do to her what she is doing to you? If the answer is no, then accept the fact that at the least she is fucked up and spreading pain THAT YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR, or that she is not a nice person.

I understand being the bigger person; I understand being the adaptable person. But believe me when I say that there are some who will use these strengths to suck the very life out of you. Disentangle. Run!

It will hurt like a MF, but when you look back in a few months, you won't believe the self respect you have lost by listening to her insecure bullshit and trying to be her knight in shining armor.

(I say this not as criticism - but because I have been there.)
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  #32  
Old 06-19-2013, 05:35 AM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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I have to agree with everything here. I am sad for any baby that she conceives while in this state of mind. I was going to be nice and say she is just confused and you need to have an open talk about your future together, but when you said trying to get pregnant alarms went off. I feel bad for both the baby and any man she manages to trap this way.
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  #33  
Old 06-20-2013, 02:11 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Onoma, going around fucking random people is not polyamory. It's not monogamy, but it's not polyamory. Sigh. Please read some more about what poly is, if you really want to know. There are threads here where you can find a glossary and book recommendations. Use this site's search function.

Oh, and by the way, your relationship with this chick sounds like it's been over for a while. Move on.

Amazing to me how so many people stick around in really fucked-up, dead-end relationships and then come here and ask, "Am I right or wrong?" Huh? You've been walking around blindfolded for years while in a shitty relationship that gives you no satisfaction and just now it occurs to you there is a problem? I really fear for the future sometimes when I read this shit.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #34  
Old 06-20-2013, 05:47 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I really fear for the future sometimes when I read this shit.
Me too, especially when there's baby-making involved in said fucked-up relationships. Oh yes children mean sooo much more love. Oh no you can't tell other people how to manage their gonads.

(I like MY life, but I still can't wait to get off this planet)
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  #35  
Old 06-20-2013, 06:23 AM
london london is offline
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Your partner might be polyamorous. How much sex one has, who they have it with under what conditions bears no influence on someone being poly or not. Polyamory is about loving or having the potential to love more than one person in a romantic sense. Your partner may have the potential to love more than one person, she may, but I don't think any of the people she loves at the moment are you. Whatever her orientation, she is treating you badly. That's what counts. That's why you should end it.
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  #36  
Old 06-20-2013, 06:59 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Great, way to go, onoma, you broke BoringGuy.
Oh Marcus, I LOL'd so loud, I think I frightened the neighbors.


onoma,

My father spent a fair amount of time trying to teach me this, and I share it with you because I think he was right.

People vote with their feet.
If you want to know what someone is about, and their words and their actions do not match, look at their actions. Then it is up to you to decide your actions. You also vote with your feet.
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  #37  
Old 06-20-2013, 08:10 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Onoma, going around fucking random people is not polyamory. It's not monogamy, but it's not polyamory.
As I said "Apparently she had dates lined up, and was starting to look for a new relationship."

Nitpicking a bit, aren't you? Or cherry picking, since you only seemed to pick up the "one night stand" part?

Quote:
Sigh. Please read some more about what poly is, if you really want to know. There are threads here where you can find a glossary and book recommendations. Use this site's search function.
I have, and I understand the distinction... I was just dealing with something confusing.
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  #38  
Old 06-21-2013, 07:31 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
As I said "Apparently she had dates lined up, and was starting to look for a new relationship."
A new 'monogamous' relationship.... I am not sure why you consider this nitpicking when everyone so far agrees on this thread that she is looking to replace you and her behaviour is not Polyamorous. Just because she might be acting in what could be called a non monogamous sexual behaviour, since it is for a particular purpose I would not use that as evidence for future polyamorous inclination.

She just likes having someone there who loves her but when she finds someone else...boom she is gone. I know women who do what your girlfriend is doing so....ignore the warnings at your peril....


Dead men tell no tales,

Natja
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  #39  
Old 06-21-2013, 10:45 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
Well, I told you want I wanted in the beginning... and interpretation of her behavior. Now I'm just replying to questions/statements.

If it helps, your job is done here.
To my knowledge, no one here is a clinical psychologist. Even if we were, we haven't met her and couldn't make a reliable assessment based on third-party communication.

If she wants to get her life in order, holding on to a dead relationship is counter-productive. If you genuinely want to help her get her life in order, enabling that arrangement is counter-productive.

If she wants to meet someone new, she's better off single. Most people who are looking for a serious, long-term relationship turn the other way when they meet someone who's in a relationship. They would look at dating her as cheating, and would be rationally concerned that she may later abandon them in favour of the next guy.

My advice?

Tell her in no uncertain terms that your romantic relationship is over and you are no longer "boyfriend and girlfriend" but that you are willing to have a friendship and support her through her hard times, but with no romantic behaviour. You are not abandoning her in a time of need, but you have needs of your own and it is your responsibility to have those needs met. Tell her that, being now single, you will be dating other people and if she wants to remain in your life in a friendship, she needs to get to work out how to become okay with you having a romantic life of your own. Respect her desire not to hear about your new dating life.

I've never understood when people say they can't get a break-up to stick. Unlike starting a relationship, breaking-up doesn't require mutual agreement. Any party is free to end the arrangement at any time and for any reason. It's not a contract. The fact that you're still in this arrangement speaks more to your own issues than hers. Get some backbone!
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  #40  
Old 06-21-2013, 09:23 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post

I've never understood when people say they can't get a break-up to stick. Unlike starting a relationship, breaking-up doesn't require mutual agreement. Any party is free to end the arrangement at any time and for any reason. It's not a contract. The fact that you're still in this arrangement speaks more to your own issues than hers. Get some backbone!

It's a bit harder when you live together, and harder still when she doesn't have anywhere to go yet. Being around someone constantly and trying not to let a single affectionate gesture get through is a little tough...

Also, I actually did tell her I'd be just friends... a week and a half later she got upset when I went out with one of my old college buddies, because she was afraid I might be hitting on women. It actually does take two people to let go of a relationship...

Last edited by onoma; 06-21-2013 at 09:26 PM.
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