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Old 07-16-2013, 05:39 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
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Default The Next Level...

Hey there,

I would like to get some advice from you smart folks in here. I will "try" to make this short :-)

First a bit about me. I am 25% of a closed quad. My wife and I live next door to the other couple (which rocks). We have been couple dating each other for a little over a year now but we very close friends (best friends) with each other for much longer. We were all complete newbies and both came into it with very strong monogamous marriages.

Originally it was only about the sex, swapping partners, hot tub parties, etc... but over the last 3 months we have reached a new level where intense feelings and love has developed for everyone. I used to have to deal with jealousy and possessive issues with my wife having sex with another man but that no longer bothers me. Her growing feelings for him is a lot harder to deal with. But heck I am feeling the same thing with his wife so there is the dilemma.

We have spoken about this as a group and we agree that at this stage of our quad relationship it may get a little tough on spouses seeing their partners get emotionally attached to the other person. The rational thinking is awesome when emotions are not present ;-)

So, I am having a hard time with it. In fact I think I am purposely trying to hold my feelings back for my GF because I am literally freaked out about where it could all lead. Over the past year, I have been the one in the group who is easy going, mostly ok with everything... during the ups and downs, each boundary we have taken down or even broken. Now with virtually no boundaries in place for anyone, I am scared to completely open my heart and go all the way emotionally. I fear that it threatens the love I have for my wife. The other three seem to have embraced it but I am still working it out internally.

Lastly, since our relationships with each other has grown so much we find ourselves desperately trying to organize time together. It's like 4 ppl all riding high on NRE. That has gotten to be very difficult because we both have families. Our relationship is a complete secret to both our children and our friends/family. It is growing more and more difficult because I find we sometime have to lie why mommy or daddy are somewhere else atm.

I am looking for some perspective and suggestions. Thanks very much in advance and god bless.

~S

Last edited by Squashking; 07-16-2013 at 05:44 PM.
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  #2  
Old 07-16-2013, 06:23 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default

It's not a popular perspective.
But-mine is-I don't lie.
So-when we decided to be poly-it all came rolling out in the form of serious discussion about love and what love is and what it means with the kids (who now range from 6 to 21).

BUT-that alone solved SO MANY PROBLEMS, that I frequently wonder why anyone would even consider doing an open relationship without it.

At any rate-there is no guarantee that opening your heart to another won't negatively alter your current relationship dynamic. Change will happen and it would be good or it could be bad-most of the time-what I see is that whether it is negative or positive depends completely on the ability of the person in teh change choosing positive behavior regardless of emotion. So-is that something you are strong at or weak at? (choosing positive behavior even if it conflicts with your emotion in a moment)

For certain-trying to negotiate calendars AND remain honest while simultaneously keeping these types of dynamics in the closet is impossible.
So you will have to choose your priorities.
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Old 07-16-2013, 06:58 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
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Thanks for your reply LR.

Well I completely agree. I don't like having to lie either so after a convo with my wife we are going to change our approach with our kids. Its really impossible for us to be "out of the closet" with anyone else for professional reasons. So far we have been able to manage calendars but it is getting more difficult for sure. I also think it will get easier over time when our relationships "normals" again.

To your other point, I "think" I have been strong at choosing positive behaviour. Right now everyone within our group is VERY positive. My relationship with my wife has never been better. I have never been down this road before so each turn is a new experience. When it was just sex it was easier, now its about opening one's heart to deeply loving another partner. It just worries me but I am definitely packed up for journey. :-)

BTW... this forum has helped me and my group in countless ways both publicly and privately. I am certain we would not have gotten this far without it.

~S
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Old 07-16-2013, 09:51 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Children

With the children, it gets complicated. I'll say right here, I don't know what the right way to integrate children into a poly lifestyle is, especially if the kids come BEFORE you're truly poly.

I will say that I find it very useful to think of poly families as an extended family, the way it used to be, with the grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents, children, all living together. As trusted members join the group, let the children see them interacting with the family. As they get older, well, you just get a more interesting "talk." And if you're nervous about that, really, what parent isn't? Even the normal monogamous ones.
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Old 07-16-2013, 11:30 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The most momentuous response from our kids was "TMI!" From the teenagers.

Otherwise-they really didn't and don't care as long as they are loved and cared for.
Even our (VERY mono, Episcopal Deacon and her husband) friends kids just don't care.

They see GG as part of the family and identify our home as having 3 adults.

It's interesting-kids are honestly MUCH MUCH more accepting than adults as a rule of thumb. Partly because (imo) they are more self centered. They are focused on how it affects them-and other people's sex lives really don't. Also-they see love as something they want from everyone-so having more people to give it-doesn't bother them either.
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Old 07-16-2013, 11:31 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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OP-if you can focus on the positive behavior choices-then the consequences of opening your heart are likely to be minimal.

But-how to do that, I don't know. I've always been open with my love.
Maca (husband) struggles with this. But he doesn't write on here very often. Very very very rarely in fact.
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Old 07-17-2013, 05:46 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
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I know the debate around children is nothing new here.

Let me separate it in two separate groups: 1) Coming out to your children; 2) Coming out to your close family/friends.

For many reasons including professional ones, we are simply not ready to come out to our family & friends although we have discussed the possibility many times.

Our quad is very close to both groups of families and friends. Each weekend it seems there is a large gathering and everyone enjoys each others company which is really awesome. Our children are very close to everyone as well so if we told the truth to them would we not burden them with information they are not encouraged to discuss? Is it really fair to our kids to have to carry this knowledge just to make us feel better about it?

LR, I think you are right that our kids would probably don't care as much as we think, they may find it a positive and supportive lifestyle. But kids love talking about positive changes with others who are close to them. All it takes is one innocent comment and "boom goes the dynamite". ;-)

It seems to me its all or nothing... I believe that eventually the decision will be made for us whether we want it or not.

~S
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Old 07-17-2013, 06:34 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Overthinking

Quote:
Originally Posted by Squashking View Post
Is it really fair to our kids to have to carry this knowledge just to make us feel better about it?
~S
I think I'm going to have to insert a sigh here. Seriously, you're overthinking this. Tell them this other couple are good friends of yours, and that they might see them around. Guide them into thinking that these people are trusted friends, that they can confide in, when it's something they can't talk to parents about.

Your kids likely don't care or DON'T WANT TO KNOW about your sex life. So, don't tell them that this is your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." When they're older enough to figure it out, they will, and they'll likely appreciate you not involving them in discussions of parental sex, which they're keen to avoid. Don't be one of THOSE parents All they need to know is that these people are going to be around and are trustworthy.

If the kids slip to one of your other friends or family members, say, yes, this couple is close to you, and you're glad your kids have an/another aunt/uncle figure to talk with.

Leave the sex part out of it.
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Old 07-17-2013, 06:36 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Addendum

And if you're friends and family find out about this couple and question your relationship, well, pardon my language, but fuck em. Your sex life is none of their business. Just keep repeating that they're good friends. Unless you want it to be, in which case, go for it
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Old 07-17-2013, 06:47 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You are free to make choices that expand your future options, abd you are free to make choices that limit your future options. Neither is better or worse than the other, but you are in control of your life. How you choose to exercise that control is well, your choice.

Freedom is scary ain't it? It's a lot safer and less scary to stay on a blazen trail with the other tourists than it is to grab your compass and hike out into the woods with nothing but a pocket-knife and a piece of rope.
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