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  #21  
Old 06-18-2013, 02:51 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Maybe a silly solution but could you agree with them that if their bedroom door is open it automatically means that you are welcome to join them if you feel like it, and if the door is closed it means they would like some private time?

That way you don't have to wonder, they don't have to bother you when they think you want some alone time, and everything will be better in general...



Another thing I've learned in my relationships is that if I want or need a hug, I inniciate a hug. Because if I don't, how will my partner know I'd like a hug?
Hugging goes two ways. If I never hug someone, eventually they'll stop hugging me as well. When I hug someone more often, they hug me more often.
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  #22  
Old 06-18-2013, 08:06 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You sound like a slave to me. Since you mentioned the Emaw name as Hebrew for mother, I am getting a Sarah/Hagar vibe.
I did not know that emaw was Hebrew for mother, but i thought of the Old Testament the very first time i read this. I thought "emaw" was a transposition of the phonetic sounds of the two syllables in "mommy". There goes another #aspiemoment for the history books.

Dear OP (I want to call you "KKK" but it just doesn't seem right) - The way it is is like this:

A healthy person does not try to dictate to another person who will raise their future child(ren) and what said child(ren) will call their biological parent(s) AND think that they will fool their relatives into believing said child(ren) are from their own body, and then the next day have those issues resolved within themselves. You may be getting certain "needs met" right NOW, as part of her being "on notice" that you could be thinking about leaving and taking your uterus with you, but is this woman in therapy? Has she ever had a mental health evaluation? Stable, healthy, reasonable people don't say that kind of shit, and don't tell me she was kidding. Your original post did NOT sound like there was ANY humor involved, and even if she WAS fooling around, that is a bizarre and explicit choice of context (doing it in a way that excludes you instead of includes you - for example, if she wanted to joke about not being "out" to her family, a person who wanted you to think the joke was WITH you, not ABOUT you, would have said something like, "Let's tell my folks it's my kid and see if they can tell the difference... LOL"). The way you described it... you'll probably back-pedal about that too, but usually the way people tell a story the first time (the "rough draft") is the most genuine (unless they are lying on purpose), then they go back and read it and start editing and second-guessing themselves.

So, it's your life; no one here can protect you from it. I have nothing to gain or lose, whatever happens to you.
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  #23  
Old 06-18-2013, 10:14 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
They have never hurt me intentionally. I mean stuff happens and w hurt people unintentionally but that's life.
How about chronically hurting you thoughtlessly? Because they don't think you have a voice in the things that concern you? Because they don't think about your POV at all?


Quote:
I work a very physically demanding job and on my days at work and they have been worried about me not having enough rest is Why they haven't wanted to keep me awake with watching movies etc.
So it's "Didn't invite you because we decided you needed to sleep?"

You can't decide when to sleep for yourself? Or that you want to rest your brain by watching TV to take brain off the hook?

It's weird sounding over there. That's all I'm saying. Be careful.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-19-2013 at 01:28 AM.
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  #24  
Old 06-18-2013, 10:23 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I don't care if he falls asleep I will take any chance to cuddle with Murf. He works a 12 hour midnight shift a very physical job making aluminum products. Even if we are just both fall asleep it is still quality time.

Sounds like excuses to me.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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  #25  
Old 06-18-2013, 11:22 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Sure they decided you needed to sleep. They obviously can't have a sleep-deprived person watching their kid and stuff.
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  #26  
Old 06-18-2013, 11:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Huh? The fact that I do not consider myself entitled...
I did not say what *you* were "entitled" to.

Quote:
...to friends and family capitulating to my every request...
Nor did I mention capitulation.

Quote:
...for emotional placation is anti-social?
Please show where I mentioned placation.

Quote:
I'm almost afraid to ask but, how did you get there?
Simple enough, I didn't.

Again, simply put, I think it is common to date, mate with, people who meet at least some of one's needs for emotional connection and bonding, kisses and sex, acts of service, words of love, dates, talks trivial or profound, eye contact, cuddles, laughter, sharing culture (be it TV sports, hikes, music or fine art), eating together, doing household chores ones doesn't have a taste or talent for (and vice versa), etc etc.

You don't date and mate for these reasons?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-18-2013 at 11:28 PM.
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  #27  
Old 06-18-2013, 11:29 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You don't date and mate for these reasons?
We had a complete breakdown in communication here; no need to try and resurrect it. I say we just drop it and agree that we have pretty fundamental differences in how we view relationships.
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  #28  
Old 06-19-2013, 12:20 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I am not taking one side or the other because i like both of you and i think you both have valid viewpoints that are capable of co-existing without impinging on the other. I also think that you are probably more alike in many ways than you are different in world-view, but that involves a lot of conjecture on my behalf since i don't know either of you THAT well. I am just going with what i do know. That said...

As a child-free person, i have noticed that the reason a lot of people "date" is not to get these snuggly-buggly cozy-wozy "needs" met... It's because they are dying to reproduce. Yes yes i am skewed on my perspective here, or to put it another way - i cannot provide high-quality data nor provenance thereof to support my stance, but i have been asked numerous times why i bothered getting married if i'm not going to have kids. Clearly, the only reason to get married is if you want kids. What are you going to do about the cats when you have kids? That last one was a little beyond the focus of this tangent which is "what motivates one to be in relationships"... Anyway, i have been told by others that this instinct to reproduce is strong and irresistible, in all sex/gender classifications of the human species (even there are transgender people who want to be parents), but i have never felt it (we already know i am defective in the head though), yet i still like sex and enjoy the company of certain individuals during it and at other times.

But as far as the OP... There are plenty of other people she could breed with if she wants a kid that bad. Why she feels she deserves no better than this, i cannot guess.
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  #29  
Old 06-19-2013, 01:11 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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OP, you seriously deserve better. Warning: I am merging the two posts in this comment. She thanked you taking care of the house you live in, too? Manners 101. No one wants to live in a dirty home. If dishes are piled up in the sink, they need to be put in the dishwasher or washed. If the floor is sticky, it needs to mopped or pull out the Swiffer. If laundry is piling up, it is not just one person's responsibility. Are you just supposed to ignore the child if she needs food or something? What was the "thank you" for exactly? For being human and not wanting to live in a dirty home?

I know it is hard to ignore when your ovaries are twitching and your bio clock is ticking, but this situation sounds awful. I would not bring a child in to a situation like this. I had to go back and read your intro to see that you are in a poly-fi triad. I was going to suggest opening the relationship and you seeking someone else to date. Your girlfriend is already dictating how you are going to raise the child that you carry for 40-42 weeks, push him/her out or undergo a C-section with, and telling you, that as the biological mother, YOU do not get to be called mum/mummy/whatever. Your baby will be taught to call you emaw or emmaw, like their daughter calls you. She wants the child to grow up thinking he/she belongs to her and her husband. I think you said that you are out to her/your family but not publicly? Is your family not close to you like distance wise? Would they not wonder what happened to your child if you were heavily pregnant but not producing a child at family gatherings? I am just trying to figure out how they are going to pass a child off as theirs. Is your boyfriend going along with this? Why would you even be willing to discuss this? Because you love them and they claim to "love" you?
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  #30  
Old 06-19-2013, 01:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Kitty,
Your relationship with them is secret, they often exclude you from sharing affection, want you to have his baby for him without letting the kid or anyone else know you're the mother, and possibly give it up if your relationship ends. You clean the house, take care of their kid, and come here to ask if you have any rights to ask for what you want.

And you say you're not being used????

What you are to this couple is a maid/nanny/baby-making machine. They clearly sound like users. Odd that you can't see it. Do you really think they will let the world know the kid is yours once you pop it out, that they're in love with and fucking you, and that everything will be hunky-dory with a happy three-parent household? Seriously?

I bet if you started sitting around and asking them to do housework and watch their own damn kid, you'd be out on your ass in a heartbeat and they'd be out prowling for their next victim.

Move out and see if they keep up being in a relationship with you.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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