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  #1  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:00 AM
notalways notalways is offline
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Unhappy Thinking I might need to break up with a live-in primary and what it will change

I am completely in love with my primary partner but just under a year ago we moved in together and since then he has been treating me like his mother. Everything 'real world' thing in the relationship is my responsibility. I don't want to end things but I am worried that the stress of holding it all together is going to push me over the edge and after several serious conversations very little has changed.

During this time I have been leaning very heavily on my secondary partner, who unusually enough I have been with longer than my primary. When we are together he understands how much stress I am under and while I will do things for him, hell even loaned him money, he comforts me during my times of serious stress. I don't want to go into the details but I had something pretty awful happen to me recently, when I told my primary he got even more upset then I was and I ended up comforting him. I later had to call my secondary and cry and have them calm me down and tell me things were going to be ok.

I do not want to end this relationship, I am just afraid it is getting unhealthy for me, I don't know how to explain how things are other than I feel like his mother (who he was living with before we moved in). I work multiple jobs, while he works one day a week and acts like it is the biggest inconvenience to him. As terrified as I am about ending the relationship. I really hope I do not want to, but I have told myself I am giving us until our lease is up to get his life in order. Now I wonder what will happen to my secondary relationship if that happens. We were super casual in the beginning (when I started seeing my primary) things are not like that anymore. While I am not at the same commitment level as his other partners it very serious and sort of just a matter of time. I don't want to end things with my primary and then end up leaning so heavily on my secondary that is messes up that relationship as well.

It is just a not normal situation (well parts of it are) and being the overly proactive person I am I want to know if anyone can relate to what is going on with me and how thing ended up going for them. I will say I never expect my secondary to become a primary I would be looking for another primary when I was ready, god forbid that happens.

Really despite this whole post I do not want a break up, I want him to get things together enough we can work it out and stay together but I am worried after recent things.
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  #2  
Old 05-30-2013, 07:21 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Could you stay together but live apart? At least until he realises that there's no such thing as a Clean Sock Fairy and that the fridge doesn't fill itself.
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  #3  
Old 05-30-2013, 07:48 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Or, you could just do YOUR laundry and cook YOUR meals and clean YOUR mess for the remainder of the lease... yeah me too gross, I wouldn't want to look at that shit either.

I haven't read all 8 of your posts, but there isn't a single thing in the first post of this thread that says what the BENEFITS of living with Momma'a Boy are. He works one day a week, therefore who pays the bills? You? And you clean, cook (? or is he one of those fabulous man-chef types that has dinner waiting for you?), have sex with him, anything else?

If I were him, I wouldn't change a goddamn THING.
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  #4  
Old 05-30-2013, 12:57 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I completely understand where you are coming from. My fiancee is cut from the same fabric (and he lived on his own for 2 years before we got together). Doesn't clean (even his own dishes), rarely cooks, I can't get upset about him not working because he is in school and currently doing an internship (and as long as one of those two are going on his dad pays for his part of rent) but he doesn't seem concerned with the fact that currently there are 5 people living in a house and only two work (mind you Primal and I have also tried getting on the other two as well to get off their butts and do things like help out around the house and find jobs without avail).

It does sound like he tries to provide emotional support but it doesn't seem to work if when you tell him something in need of comfort you end up having to comfort him instead.
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  #5  
Old 05-31-2013, 02:24 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Or, you could just do YOUR laundry and cook YOUR meals and clean YOUR mess for the remainder of the lease... yeah me too gross, I wouldn't want to look at that shit either.

I haven't read all 8 of your posts, but there isn't a single thing in the first post of this thread that says what the BENEFITS of living with Momma'a Boy are. He works one day a week, therefore who pays the bills? You? And you clean, cook (? or is he one of those fabulous man-chef types that has dinner waiting for you?), have sex with him, anything else?

If I were him, I wouldn't change a goddamn THING.
Yep. He's got it made. Can I move in with you, too?

Seriously...you don't want to end this relationship...why? Are you afraid of being alone? He hands you a few crumbs of Feel Good when you're through doing his dishes and laundry and paying his bills? I don't mean to be harsh. It's scary to let go of the familiar. But this is not healthy, and whether he intends to or not, he's living off your hard work. That's just wrong.

Move out at the end of the lease, or kick him out. Then you can decide if you want to continue seeing him without the living together.
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  #6  
Old 06-01-2013, 03:22 PM
notalways notalways is offline
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Thank you for your honest opinions of the situation. He does occasionally help around the house, but not nearly to the extent someone in his situation should be. Our place looks like a train wreak lol, yes I know I should do something about it myself but I think I just let it get this way because I am annoyed I am doing everything else.

Been talking to close friends about this, not a ton of people I can explain all the details of my relationship to but I have a few and could probably retell it in a monogamous situation. I have a lot of trouble with confrontation, so what my best friend has suggested is I write a letting, if I need to get drunk and write it and revise it sober, then sit down with him and give it to him explaining things.

It is not so much a thing of me not wanting me be alone, I actually really like my space. I am so to emotionally attached to him I feel like I am being the bad guy saying what he is doing isn't enough.
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  #7  
Old 06-01-2013, 04:20 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Have you ever tried just telling him that you'd like it if he would take a bit more responsibility around the house?

No need for confrontation, angry shouting or anything like that, just a normal conversation between adults who are both adjusting to living together.

What you are going through is extremely normal in any type of relationship between two people of which at least one hasn't lived on his/her own before.

He is so used to just everything happening that he probably doesn't even realize that someone is actually doing them. It can be a HUGE blind spot where you just don't realize the step between dirty dishes in the sink and clean dishes in the cupboard.

What I suggest is making a list of things that need to be done around the house on a daily basis, weekly basis, and monthly basis and sit together with him and divide them between the two of you.

Some tips for when doing so:

1. Don't care if he does things "your way". As long as things are clean and the laundry folded it doesn't matter how it was folded.

2. The things that are important for you to be done your way; do them yourself.

3. Care less about everyone doing an equal amount, and more about everybody doing something that they don't mind doing. If he hates doing the toilet and you don't mind, take that tasks for yourself.

4. Before you start dividing the list talk about how much time you each have to do these chores. Be honest about this, but also don't be an ass. Social time counts as time that you DON'T have to do chores...

5. Write down the list for each person so he can keep referring to it.

6. Do your part. You cannot ask someone else to do their part unless you do your part first.

7. Be open to change. If you notice something is not working well, revisit the list and change it (maybe the laundry needs to be done only once every 2 weeks instead of once a week? Or maybe it turns out that it is way more convenient that you do the shopping instead of him, etc).


Don't break up on this right away, this is only break up worthy if he doesn't have any interest in doing anything about it. It is NOT break up worthy if you haven't even talked to him about it, and looked for normal solutions to this problem!!
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  #8  
Old 06-01-2013, 05:12 PM
notalways notalways is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ssandra View Post
Have you ever tried just telling him that you'd like it if he would take a bit more responsibility around the house?

No need for confrontation, angry shouting or anything like that, just a normal conversation between adults who are both adjusting to living together.

What you are going through is extremely normal in any type of relationship between two people of which at least one hasn't lived on his/her own before.

He is so used to just everything happening that he probably doesn't even realize that someone is actually doing them. It can be a HUGE blind spot where you just don't realize the step between dirty dishes in the sink and clean dishes in the cupboard.

What I suggest is making a list of things that need to be done around the house on a daily basis, weekly basis, and monthly basis and sit together with him and divide them between the two of you.

Some tips for when doing so:

1. Don't care if he does things "your way". As long as things are clean and the laundry folded it doesn't matter how it was folded.

2. The things that are important for you to be done your way; do them yourself.

3. Care less about everyone doing an equal amount, and more about everybody doing something that they don't mind doing. If he hates doing the toilet and you don't mind, take that tasks for yourself.

4. Before you start dividing the list talk about how much time you each have to do these chores. Be honest about this, but also don't be an ass. Social time counts as time that you DON'T have to do chores...

5. Write down the list for each person so he can keep referring to it.

6. Do your part. You cannot ask someone else to do their part unless you do your part first.

7. Be open to change. If you notice something is not working well, revisit the list and change it (maybe the laundry needs to be done only once every 2 weeks instead of once a week? Or maybe it turns out that it is way more convenient that you do the shopping instead of him, etc).


Don't break up on this right away, this is only break up worthy if he doesn't have any interest in doing anything about it. It is NOT break up worthy if you haven't even talked to him about it, and looked for normal solutions to this problem!!
I am definably not taking the idea of this breakup lightly but with my biggest problem right now being I feel like he is treating my like his mother I am not sure me writing up a list of chores is the best idea for me.
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  #9  
Old 06-01-2013, 05:18 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by notalways View Post
I am definably not taking the idea of this breakup lightly but with my biggest problem right now being I feel like he is treating my like his mother I am not sure me writing up a list of chores is the best idea for me.
Don't write it yourself. Write it together.
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  #10  
Old 06-03-2013, 04:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I wouldn't bother with a list of chores. If you've already confronted him about this stuff and he hasn't changed or made any adjustments, I seriously doubt he'll go looking at a list to see what needs to be done.

If I were you, I'd kick him out.

You don't have to break up. Just tell him, since he refuses to grow up and pull his weight, has not been there for you emotionally when you needed him, and because you don't want to be in the position he's put you in of being his mommy, that living together hasn't worked out as you'd hoped. Tell him you're not breaking up, but obviously you two were not meant to live together. You'll still see him, and get together for dates, but he has to move out ASAP (or you move out, if that works better for you -- I'm not sure who moved in with whom). You can say you would rather have a responsible roommate than what you've got now. Then give him no more than 30 days and when that date rolls around, you will change the locks. Not easy, but simple.
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