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  #21  
Old 04-20-2013, 07:16 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I am horrified. Why would you want to treat a romantic partner like a child? What are you going to do, spank him? He's not going to stay with you because you give him little rewards for 'being good'. He will stay with you because he wants to be around you. If he doesn't want to be with you, nothing you do or say will change that. You need to stop with the controlling rules and punishments. This is not an adult relationship. Don't try poly yet. Figure out how to be in an adult relationship first.






Thank you thank you thank you thank you i can't thank you enough oh god you took the words right out of my guts now i don't have to.

tl;dr New friends, new enemies, different day.
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  #22  
Old 04-20-2013, 10:44 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
Can't help there. I apparently called Dude by the wrong name on numerous occasions (I remember noting it once) - he decided to take it as compliment. Dude gets my preferences mixed up with his ex's all the time - I just correct him, he asks MrS when he can't remember. You might want to check out this thread where we discussed this very thing.

JaneQ
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Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
He took it as a compliment? Why? Doesn't that mean you're thinking about the other guy when you're with him? Seems like that would be insulting....and marginalizing.

I can understand slipping up and calling someone by your exes name though. Sometimes that muscle memory is hard to undo.
Well, I've been having sex with my husband for 20 years - his name had become part of the lexicon of incoherent babble that escapes me during sex like "Oh, God." or "Yes, Yes". So I think Dude decided to take it as a compliment in that he had me so worked up that I didn't know WHAT I was saying. (I should have been clearer that this was in the context of sex.)
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #23  
Old 04-20-2013, 12:24 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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You want to know how some of us handle this type of stuff... In the beginning of my relationship, I was poly-friendly, ready to get in with my eyes open, except I had no idea, emotionally, what that meant. Mea culpa. In the beginning, I did have a hard time dealing with the cute, gushy stories ("She met me in the airport, tripped like a little duckling, and fell into my arms!"), and had to ask for a moratorium on them.

However, these things change... That one actually changed pretty quickly when I realized that, coming from a background where we were very close friends and could talk about ANYTHING, it felt very, very wrong to ask him to not talk about things with me.

We're about two years into our V, and many of those things are non-issues now. I needed the time and reassurance that it wasn't going to lead to him gushing over his OSO and leaving me. I needed the experience to see what really did hurt, and what didn't, and I needed to do the self-introspection to see WHY things hurt.

Some things are still on the "hurt" list. The three of us (me, my partner, and his OSO) get together and talk about them, and find a manageable compromise. What I try to never do is say, "Well, that's it, then," and ignore the rest of the self-work that needs to happen to examine why, or if there's a piece of it that I can work on to make it easier for me.

How we handle it is very specific for each of us, I'm afraid. You may get some responses that can help you, but in the end, it's like having a pile of self-help books that all tell you different things. You have a starting point, but you still have to find the one (if there is one in that pile) that works for you.

Nycindie wrote: When you really respect and trust a partner, you simply let them know what your own personal boundaries are which is not the same as laying down the law to keep someone in check.

True. The one "rule" we have in the wider relationship is safe sex and STD results for any new partners. Other things that have come up have been broached as my own issues/boundaries (some of them deal-breakers), but never as "you must do these things" - I've said that I need <x> to be able to stay in the relationship. If he can't provide <x>, then yes, it'll stink, but better to know that and make the break, rather than try to mold this Bundt cake into a loaf pan. It's not always a clean distinction between rule/ultimatum and boundary, but for me, the test is, does the person feel controlled and bullied into making that decision, or are they making it because they want to?

Anyway, it's good that you're thinking about this. Just be aware that thinking is not feeling, and the brain and heart may not always be on the same page. Good luck...
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  #24  
Old 04-20-2013, 05:45 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
You want to know how some of us handle this type of stuff... In the beginning of my relationship, I was poly-friendly, ready to get in with my eyes open, except I had no idea, emotionally, what that meant. Mea culpa. In the beginning, I did have a hard time dealing with the cute, gushy stories ("She met me in the airport, tripped like a little duckling, and fell into my arms!"), and had to ask for a moratorium on them.

However, these things change... That one actually changed pretty quickly when I realized that, coming from a background where we were very close friends and could talk about ANYTHING, it felt very, very wrong to ask him to not talk about things with me.

We're about two years into our V, and many of those things are non-issues now. I needed the time and reassurance that it wasn't going to lead to him gushing over his OSO and leaving me. I needed the experience to see what really did hurt, and what didn't, and I needed to do the self-introspection to see WHY things hurt.

Some things are still on the "hurt" list. The three of us (me, my partner, and his OSO) get together and talk about them, and find a manageable compromise. What I try to never do is say, "Well, that's it, then," and ignore the rest of the self-work that needs to happen to examine why, or if there's a piece of it that I can work on to make it easier for me.

How we handle it is very specific for each of us, I'm afraid. You may get some responses that can help you, but in the end, it's like having a pile of self-help books that all tell you different things. You have a starting point, but you still have to find the one (if there is one in that pile) that works for you.

Nycindie wrote: When you really respect and trust a partner, you simply let them know what your own personal boundaries are which is not the same as laying down the law to keep someone in check.

True. The one "rule" we have in the wider relationship is safe sex and STD results for any new partners. Other things that have come up have been broached as my own issues/boundaries (some of them deal-breakers), but never as "you must do these things" - I've said that I need <x> to be able to stay in the relationship. If he can't provide <x>, then yes, it'll stink, but better to know that and make the break, rather than try to mold this Bundt cake into a loaf pan. It's not always a clean distinction between rule/ultimatum and boundary, but for me, the test is, does the person feel controlled and bullied into making that decision, or are they making it because they want to?

Anyway, it's good that you're thinking about this. Just be aware that thinking is not feeling, and the brain and heart may not always be on the same page. Good luck...
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is what I was looking for! That is exactly how I'm feeling.
I'm feeling condemnation from some people because he and I aren't being completely open and honest and there's not complete trust there. Well guess what?? We're not there yet! Again, I keep hearing stories where poly started off with two people being in a long term relationship. That is NOT my situation!
And as far as maturity goes....I'm not at all convinced that he's mature enough to handle this. From everything I'm reading, this seems to take an extraordinary amount of trust and work from all parties involved. And I think all he's been thinking about is that, wheee, he'll get to date other people! Without addressing the fact that this might very well take much more responsibility than just dating one person.
As far as trusting him goes, there are certain things I trust about him because I've watched him and he is consistent in those things. But this is completely new territory for both of us. And I know all too well that people will SAY one thing and end up DOING another. That's why self-awareness is such an important component of a relationship for me. And so far, he seems decently self-aware. But he's also admitted to me that he's let certain unhappiness carry on in other relationships because he wasn't really willing to look at his part in it just yet. And that, I don't trust. And whether he's poly or not, that's something I would like to avoid if at all possible.
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  #25  
Old 04-20-2013, 07:44 PM
Kella Kella is offline
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Just my two cents, and probably not very valuable as I don't have any practical experience to share, but if he's interested in exploring open relationships and polyamory, why not encourage him to come on here and do some reading and ask questions if he has them? It might give him a better idea of what you *both* would be getting into...
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  #26  
Old 04-20-2013, 08:15 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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That's a very good idea, Kella. I just might do that.
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  #27  
Old 04-21-2013, 01:50 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't judge you for not starting out as a primary couple.
As I said on one of your threads:
I have been with my boyfriend for 20 years (variety of forms to our relationship, sexual involvement started 18 years ago and has come and gone over the years).
I have been with my husband for 15 years.
There were 12 years of drama-infused bullshit (much of it my fault) before we became poly.

Can't really say there was a "primary" relationship first. I have kid with both. We all lived together as roommates the last 10 years.


What I do see is that trust IS a necessary component to making poly functional and it's ok if you aren't there yet-but I wouldn't take steps to creating a committed relationship of ANY sort with each other (mono, open, poly etc) until there is trust. Because without it-the drama is just... so damn dramatic.
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  #28  
Old 04-21-2013, 01:51 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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one more thought-

I thnk you are mistaking people's experienced "OH DEAR RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG" responses as judgement.

Even if they don't word it the way you want,

you've made it clear you aren't sure you really want to do this.
THAT message made it through clear as day and everyone is responding to that question with "NO DO NOT DO IT" followed by "here's the red flags that trigger me to say NO DO NOT DO IT".
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  #29  
Old 04-21-2013, 02:11 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I don't judge you for not starting out as a primary couple.
As I said on one of your threads:
I have been with my boyfriend for 20 years (variety of forms to our relationship, sexual involvement started 18 years ago and has come and gone over the years).
I have been with my husband for 15 years.
There were 12 years of drama-infused bullshit (much of it my fault) before we became poly.

Can't really say there was a "primary" relationship first. I have kid with both. We all lived together as roommates the last 10 years.


What I do see is that trust IS a necessary component to making poly functional and it's ok if you aren't there yet-but I wouldn't take steps to creating a committed relationship of ANY sort with each other (mono, open, poly etc) until there is trust. Because without it-the drama is just... so damn dramatic.
This is what I'm hearing the most and sounds the most important. Communication and trust. It sounds like it would be prudent for us to very consciously try and cultivate those.
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  #30  
Old 04-21-2013, 02:12 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
one more thought-

I thnk you are mistaking people's experienced "OH DEAR RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG" responses as judgement.

Even if they don't word it the way you want,

you've made it clear you aren't sure you really want to do this.
THAT message made it through clear as day and everyone is responding to that question with "NO DO NOT DO IT" followed by "here's the red flags that trigger me to say NO DO NOT DO IT".
So, are you saying not to do this because neither one of us has never done it before or because he's not perfect at relationships?
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