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  #11  
Old 04-20-2013, 03:12 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
I'm trying to come at this more like how you provide consequences for children. Not necessarily punishment but something that's motivating enough for them not to want to break the rules because they would be missing out on something they enjoy very much.

The boundaries I've come up with so far:
I most definitely don't want to know/hear ANYTHING about other girls he's seeing. I really have no interest in people so I'm not curious in that sense. I'm focused and intense and the thought of having feelings for two people at once would make my head explode. When I'm with him, I want to feel like the only one he wants to be with. I want quality connection and I want to feel special. But here's a scenario I could see happening: what if he calls me by the wrong name? What if he gets our dates or preferences mixed up? That would ruin my little bubble and it would hurt my feelings. My instinct tells me a good punch in the face would be appropriate. But violence is not the answer. But I would like a consequence that he would feel enough that he would most never do that again.

There are more I'll list later.
I am horrified. Why would you want to treat a romantic partner like a child? What are you going to do, spank him? He's not going to stay with you because you give him little rewards for 'being good'. He will stay with you because he wants to be around you. If he doesn't want to be with you, nothing you do or say will change that. You need to stop with the controlling rules and punishments. This is not an adult relationship. Don't try poly yet. Figure out how to be in an adult relationship first.
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  #12  
Old 04-20-2013, 03:31 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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But this is a guy whom I could see breaking a rule to passively-aggressively make me break up with him. And I'm not having that shit.
So he does not inspire trust in you for a romantic relationship.

But you want to date him in a polyamorous context when you are mono anyway... just so you are able to spend more time with him?

To me that is baffling. Could it be emotionally and mentally safer for you to spend time with him just as his pal then? And NOT as his romantic interest date person?

It's like you want a lot of rules to help keep you safe with him in a romantic context but you worry he's not going to honor your boundaries.

Maybe it is easier to just accept that while you are attracted to him, he's just not a safe dude for you to be with as a romantic partner because he does not inspire trust? And you seem to want to be in a monoship and he doesn't want to do that right now. He wants to experiment with polyships.

So... how about just friend zone him so you can enjoy his company more safely as a friend and be free of all these worries and anxieties since you are an emotionally sensitive person? Because you are not compatible sounding and you aren't even out of the starting gate?

I mean this kindly... but these things? These are not boundaries. These are things to allow you to pretend you are in a monoship. You could take better care of you by choosing dating partners more carefully.

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I most definitely don't want to know/hear ANYTHING about other girls he's seeing.
Don't want to see std screens and know they use Birth control and safer sex practices? Ack.


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I'm focused and intense and the thought of having feelings for two people at once would make my head explode.
You know this about yourself. You go date a man who wants polyshipping. So that means he could have another sweetie besides you.

Well, you are signing up for head explosion then. Why do this?

Quote:
When I'm with him, I want to feel like the only one he wants to be with. I want quality connection and I want to feel special. But here's a scenario I could see happening: what if he calls me by the wrong name? What if he gets our dates or preferences mixed up? That would ruin my little bubble and it would hurt my feelings.
So you do what for yourself to minimize you getting hurt? You date the man anyway and put yourself at emotional risk that you do not want? Baffling.

So you want to be in a "fantasy bubble" than deal with reality that if you date a polyship man you would be in a polyship with him?

What if his other GF gets run over by a bus and he is called to the ER? That gonna pop your bubble too? Why sign up for this emotional hooha if you do not want to deal in this?

Again... don't sound compatible, and you don't sound willing to accept that yet. It's like you are trying to bargain with yourself to make it work.

Be friends. Nothing wrong with having a good friend.

Date someone who can offer you more than a "fantasy bubble" of the model you actually want.

Date someone who can ACTUALLY give you the model you actually want. Not a fantasy of it. Just IT. There's nothing wrong with monoship, hon.

But there is something wrong with you putting yourself in the line of fire running around creating all these "protections against getting hurt" when the simplest thing is to date someone else who is more aligned to what you seek.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-20-2013 at 03:56 AM.
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  #13  
Old 04-20-2013, 03:43 AM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
But here's a scenario I could see happening: what if he calls me by the wrong name? What if he gets our dates or preferences mixed up? That would ruin my little bubble and it would hurt my feelings
Another example might be; his OSO is in crisis and blowing up his phone on "your time." Is that consequence worthy?

Or he is in crisis in his relationship with his OSO and needs someone to talk to (you) on your time. Is that consequence worthy?

These are real world instances you need to consider before entering a polyship, especially having stated that you are not so sure about his skill level in this kind of a situation.

My guess is without some hard introspection, there will be some consequences or fallout be they planned or not.

Big feelings, big bruises...that is a fact.

Last edited by NutBusterX; 04-20-2013 at 03:44 AM. Reason: typo
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  #14  
Old 04-20-2013, 03:54 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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We've already crossed the friend zone line and I wouldn't just be able to "hang out" with someone I'm attracted to. That holds no use for me anyway. I'm there for the intensity and connection. And for me that happens through physicality.
The trust is not there yet because we haven't had enough time to forge that. This is all new.
I'm not afraid he's not going to honor my boundaries because he doesn't care. I do trust his intentions. But he's an engineer, a programmer, and he processes some things very differently than I do. We went to see a movie the other day. He confessed that he'll remember seeing the movie but probably not who he saw it with. Until I get used to that, I'm pretty sure I will have a visceral reaction if he tries to talk about some movie "we" saw, when he actual saw it with another date.

And I never said I wanted to treat him like a child. I have a background in childcare and so that's where my mind falls back to. I'm trying to take care of myself in all this and make sure I can participate but still hold on to my self respect. Does that make sense?
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  #15  
Old 04-20-2013, 03:57 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Originally Posted by NutBusterX View Post
Another example might be; his OSO is in crisis and blowing up his phone on "your time." Is that consequence worthy?

Or he is in crisis in his relationship with his OSO and needs someone to talk to (you) on your time. Is that consequence worthy?

These are real world instances you need to consider before entering a polyship, especially having stated that you are not so sure about his skill level in this kind of a situation.

My guess is without some hard introspection, there will be some consequences or fallout be they planned or not.

Big feelings, big bruises...that is a fact.
Yes. Those are all things I've thought about (and he hasn't). But I'm a very thorough person and don't want to step into something I haven't fully explored. And that's why I'm here asking you guys: how do YOU deal with those situations?
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  #16  
Old 04-20-2013, 03:59 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yes. It makes sense. And part of self respect is not getting yourself in over your head into situations that are not healthy for you.

If you want to take dating him on anyway? I would suggest going back to the other post I wrote with him and reading all those articles link together first. Like taking a serious risk assessment before getting in deeper and before deciding that yes, you want to take the dating risks that come with dating HIM.

If yes? Make your agreements, give it a whirl for a period of "experiment time" and at the end of that time if things are just too nuts, let it go.

Just be careful -- you are at the starting gate with a huge amount of hurdles. Intensity in loving, having passion... it doesn't have to come with obstacles like this. Loving someone is not supposed to be stressy, anxiety hard work town. YKWIM?

But if you DO decide you want to try... do you best to minimize dings then. Talk it out.

We seem to be online at the same time and crossposting, so I am going to stop at this one for now.

GL!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-20-2013 at 04:08 AM.
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  #17  
Old 04-20-2013, 04:10 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
But this is a guy whom I could see breaking a rule to passively-aggressively make me break up with him. And I'm not having that shit.
Then why would you consider being with him in the first place, if that's the read you get on him? I mean, really, why bother? There are plenty of other fish in the sea!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
This is a guy whose never done this before but is interested in having multiple emotionally connected relationships at the same time....long term. From all the research I've done so far, I haven't seen this setup. There usually seems to be a primary relationship . . .
Then you really haven't done enough "research" if that is your perception.

Look, it just sounds all around like it isn't going to work. You want him to pretend you're the only one even if he has other relationships, and you think it's insulting to even think about someone else. Your rules are really all about protecting yourself from even knowing he's with other people - basically you want blinders on. To be honest, you sound too immature to manage poly. Do yourself a favor and don't go there.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-20-2013 at 04:17 AM.
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  #18  
Old 04-20-2013, 04:47 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Something you should know about me: there AREN'T a lot of fish in the sea for me. I am a misanthrope who finds it extremely hard to meet people I connect with and also respect. I haven't met someone I've wanted to date in TEN YEARS. So is it any wonder I want to try and see if this works?? I'm trying to be open here. I thought I would at least get some props for that. I'm also trying to protect my own interests....and isn't that what everybody does??
And somebody misunderstood me earlier. I was saying that if I had intense feelings for two people at the same time, my head would explode. I wasn't saying that about someone else. The point is, I have trouble empathizing with the lifestyle. But that doesn't mean I can't accept it.
And please don't call me immature just because my preferences don't lean your way. It sounds like a lot of people on here can't handle monogamous relationships and you don't hear me putting them down.
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  #19  
Old 04-20-2013, 05:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
Something you should know about me: there AREN'T a lot of fish in the sea for me. I am a misanthrope who finds it extremely hard to meet people I connect with and also respect.
It doesn't actually seem like you do respect him, though. For example, you think he will pull some bullshit move to passive-aggressively "make you" break up with him, and you want to make up some rule to prevent that.

When you really respect and trust a partner, you simply let them know what your own personal boundaries are which is not the same as laying down the law to keep someone in check.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
I haven't met someone I've wanted to date in TEN YEARS. So is it any wonder I want to try and see if this works?? I'm trying to be open here. I thought I would at least get some props for that. I'm also trying to protect my own interests....and isn't that what everybody does??
Well, sure, but you seem so averse to poly in the first place, that it sounds doomed before you even start, It just looks like you are going to want to make demands that insulate you from any kind of indication that he would have/be with anyone else. Most people, whether poly or mono or whatever, know that more talk and communication is better for a relationship than keeping secrets and pretending certain things aren't actually happening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
And please don't call me immature just because my preferences don't lean your way. It sounds like a lot of people on here can't handle monogamous relationships and you don't hear me putting them down.
I wasn't putting you down. I was calling it like I saw it. It is not an insult to be at a certain level of maturity - not everyone is on the same place. Being involved in a poly situation requires lots of communication and maturity to be able to deal with all its possible challenges. Some people are more mature in relationships than others. Being mature in relationships just means you have the ability to make reasonable, rational choices, can act autonomously, and will step up to take 100% responsibility for your part in any relationship.

I don't think you're going to have an easy time of it. This is what you wrote that sounded immature to me:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
. . . what if he calls me by the wrong name? What if he gets our dates or preferences mixed up? That would ruin my little bubble and it would hurt my feelings. My instinct tells me a good punch in the face would be appropriate. But violence is not the answer. But I would like a consequence that he would feel enough that he would most never do that again.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-20-2013 at 05:54 AM.
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  #20  
Old 04-20-2013, 06:41 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I cringe over the same points other people have noted.

But-yes, we have consequences to our rules. Like-if you don't use a condom outside of our V, you lose the right to fluid bonding in the V until such time as we all feel safe that the issues of safer sex have been addressed.

However-we don't have rules that can be inadvertently broken, like not calling someone by the correct name or mis-remembering who did what where and with whom.
Nor do we have rules that. CReate unhealthy dynamics/patterns for *any* relationship; such as not being free to prioritize whichever relationship needs to be at a given time, by taking calls in an emergency or whatever from another partner at an inconvenient time.

Finally-we accept that in order to have a full relationship, we have to be able to be open and honest with one another about all of who we are & that means we ARE going to come across frequent reminders of other loves and those other loves as well.
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