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Old 04-19-2013, 10:09 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Lightbulb You have a set of rules. Do you have a set of consequences?

So you've both discussed your boundaries and created a set of rules you both (think) you can live by. What happens if one of those rules is broken? Do you also work out a set of consequences to go with those rules?
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  #2  
Old 04-19-2013, 11:22 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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What happens in any relationship when the "rules" (boundaries, etc.) are broken? You either work it out ... or you break up.

One of the things about poly is that it requires so much communication that the rules/boundaries are often explicit - often in mono relationships there are "rules" too - but they are often "understood"/"implied" and when they are broken it becomes an argument.

Some rules/boundaries are hard limits - one strike and you're out. Others are negotiable under certain circumstances.

So, we have a rule "condoms for sex outside of the three of us". If someone breaks that rule? First of all, we would have a long discussion about trust, health and safety. Then we would decide how to proceed. Perhaps the "outside" person can provide a "clean" STI test sheet and the person who broke the rule is genuinely upset and we believe their promises that it will NEVER happen again (unless the rule is re-negotiated to include the 4th person) - in which case trust can be rebuilt and the consequences are the bad feelings that ensued. Perhaps the "outside" person is unavailable or declines to get tested - in which case the consequence might be that we all start using condoms with each other. If the person who broke the rule says "that's a dumb rule anyway - I'm not going to follow it" then the consequence might be that we break up.

OK - so we actually only have the one "rule" so I had to get my mileage out of it as an example.

I have personal boundaries as to things that I will/won't tolerate/do - but these aren't "rules" because they aren't things that other people had to "agree to" to be set in place.

I won't be in a relationship with someone who is physically abusive.
I won't be in a relationship with someone who disrespects me as a person - but if I feel disrespected I will talk to the person and see if this is something that is "fixable."
etc. (could write a long list but...it comes down to what I consider to be appropriate behavior from someone I am involved with - not really poly-relevant)

We are all very open and transparent about our relationships and there is an expectation that if something is developing then we will keep the others "in the loop" - but this is not a "rule", we all just happen to agree that this would work best for us. We have explicit permission to "share" information amongst the three of us (i.e. we don't tend to have "secrets" - which DOESN'T mean that there is an expectation that we share every single thing we talk about, just that we don't have to avoid talking about it) - if one of us were to develop another relationship then that person could "opt in" to the "open sharing" idea or they could come to some other agreement that the person they were involved with was comfortable with. (Gosh, that was convoluted - I'm trying to say that the way that WE have chosen to share information is not necessarily a requirement for anyone else that gets involved with one of us - THAT relationship gets to be negotiated by the people involved.)

Don't know if that helps.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-19-2013 at 11:29 PM.
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Old 04-19-2013, 11:43 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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I was asking because I'm contemplating getting into a relationship with someone who wants to try poly but hasn't done it before. I am a mono, I guess. I have no desire or intention of seeing anyone else. Wanting to try this so I am able to spend more time with him, I'm feeling like there will need to be a lot of rules on my part. And at the moment, the only consequence for breaking a rule would seem to be to break up. But this is a guy whom I could see breaking a rule to passively-aggressively make me break up with him. And I'm not having that shit. So I wondered if there weren't other more creative consequences that would be effective for curbing unwanted behavior.
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Old 04-20-2013, 12:01 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
I was asking because I'm contemplating getting into a relationship with someone who wants to try poly but hasn't done it before. I am a mono, I guess. I have no desire or intention of seeing anyone else. Wanting to try this so I am able to spend more time with him, I'm feeling like there will need to be a lot of rules on my part. And at the moment, the only consequence for breaking a rule would seem to be to break up. But this is a guy whom I could see breaking a rule to passively-aggressively make me break up with him. And I'm not having that shit. So I wondered if there weren't other more creative consequences that would be effective for curbing unwanted behavior.
Meh, I don't know about getting into a relationship with someone that you already see as being able to break a rule "to passively-aggressively make me break up with him."

What "rules" do you anticipate that you will need on your part?

"Thursday is our night - no txts/phone calls from others." (Doable.)
"I don't want to hear about x/y/x - you have to tell me about p/d/q." (Requires other person to be willing to share p/d/q with you)
"You have to love me BEST." (Not controllable.)
etc.

I'm trying to come up with consequences that don't punish you as much as they punish him (i.e. "If you don't x, then we won't get together for our regular date.") or aren't just unhealthy ("If you do z, no sex for a week.") I think a relationship based on punishing bad behavior is probably doomed from the start. Might try rewards instead ("If you do y and avoid doing x for 1 week I will make you dinner on Sat.") Ideally, one doesn't have to punish/reward their partner - each person wants to do the things that makes the other happy and avoid doing the things that makes the other unhappy. (Learning the other person's "Love Languages" may help in this regard.)

Sorry, I don't have more insight for you.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #5  
Old 04-20-2013, 12:18 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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My husbands only request is honesty about what its going on. I am in a V. My boyfriend is mono.

Mine for him is if you find someone you wasn't to go to the next stage with condoms must be used.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 04-20-2013, 12:20 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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I'm trying to come at this more like how you provide consequences for children. Not necessarily punishment but something that's motivating enough for them not to want to break the rules because they would be missing out on something they enjoy very much.

The boundaries I've come up with so far:
I most definitely don't want to know/hear ANYTHING about other girls he's seeing. I really have no interest in people so I'm not curious in that sense. I'm focused and intense and the thought of having feelings for two people at once would make my head explode. When I'm with him, I want to feel like the only one he wants to be with. I want quality connection and I want to feel special. But here's a scenario I could see happening: what if he calls me by the wrong name? What if he gets our dates or preferences mixed up? That would ruin my little bubble and it would hurt my feelings. My instinct tells me a good punch in the face would be appropriate. But violence is not the answer. But I would like a consequence that he would feel enough that he would most never do that again.

There are more I'll list later.
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Old 04-20-2013, 12:27 AM
Nox Nox is offline
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If you're going to be that aggravated, I can't imagine doing it.

I like to hear things. My wife will listen, but couldn't care less either way. T doesn't want to hear anything beyond generalities ("wife and I had a nice evening"), and yet I slip all the time.
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  #8  
Old 04-20-2013, 12:37 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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This is a guy whose never done this before but is interested in having multiple emotionally connected relationships at the same time....long term. From all the research I've done so far, I haven't seen this setup. There usually seems to be a primary relationship where there's a lot of trust and openness. He and I have only spent two weekends together and while we feel very connected, we just haven't spent enough time together to have that kind of trust. Is this even doable from that standpoint, or is it pretty important to have that primary relationship?
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Old 04-20-2013, 01:15 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
I most definitely don't want to know/hear ANYTHING about other girls he's seeing.
That would be a DADT ("Don't Ask Don't Tell") agreement - it apparently works to some degree for some people. You basically agree that you won't ask questions that require him to choose between lying and disclosing info that you don't want to hear and he won't volunteer such info. (You could try a search on "DADT" for more info.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatLChap View Post
... what if he calls me by the wrong name? What if he gets our dates or preferences mixed up?
Can't help there. I apparently called Dude by the wrong name on numerous occasions (I remember noting it once) - he decided to take it as compliment. Dude gets my preferences mixed up with his ex's all the time - I just correct him, he asks MrS when he can't remember. You might want to check out this thread where we discussed this very thing.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-20-2013 at 01:20 AM.
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  #10  
Old 04-20-2013, 01:25 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Can't help there. I apparently called Dude by the wrong name on numerous occasions (I remember noting it once) - he decided to take it as compliment. Dude gets my preferences mixed up with his ex's all the time - I just correct him, he asks MrS when he can't remember. You might want to check out this thread where we discussed this very thing.

JaneQ[/QUOTE]

He took it as a compliment? Why? Doesn't that mean you're thinking about the other guy when you're with him? Seems like that would be insulting....and marginalizing.

I can understand slipping up and calling someone by your exes name though. Sometimes that muscle memory is hard to undo.
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