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Old 06-30-2013, 03:18 PM
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Default Starting to think you guys have the right idea

Hi everybody

I am a naturally inclined mono person who hates hates hates cheating, and has never cheated on anyone. My boyfriend, who I described in my intro post, has decided in the past few days that he is a sex addict and started attending SAA meetings. I have been suggesting to him that maybe he is poly and would prefer an honest poly lifestyle over a dishonest cheating one. He says no he is not poly.

Ok whatever.

I will support him in his journey of becoming more self aware since we live together although I am not sure about how I feel about the idea of associating sex and addiction, seems like a tricky thing to do mentally.

I do have a question here, bear with me

It seems like regular everyday people go about relationships without really talking about them in depth and then resent each other over unspoken things and then cheat to get their needs met making themselves and others miserable in the process. (Yes that is a gross oversimplification but just for arguments sake)
On the flip side you polys seem so concerned with honesty and empathy for all parties involved it really alligns more with my value system and the way that I look at relationships. But when I am in a relationship I don't have a strong desire to have sex or fall in love with others. And I don't think I could feel comfortable with my partner having sex or falling in love with others. I THINK I could MAYBE handle a once a year exception to the sex thing or something like that. I THINK i could MAYBE handle us having a couple we were friends with but not in love with to mess around with from time to time as long as nobody was being deceptive. What would that make me? A swinger? Ick.
Maybe I'm just an idealistic mono in a sea of liars and cheaters. But I respect you guys for valuing honesty. It gives me hope that someday i can find a better way.
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Old 06-30-2013, 03:39 PM
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You are correct! Much of the behavior in polyamory is just simply good relationship behavior regardless of the configuration - mono or poly. Given the complexity of poly, we, however are forced to keep honing our relationship skills.
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Old 06-30-2013, 04:37 PM
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I wouldn't doubt that some people that cheat and have and have a sex addiction problem may just not be suited for monogamous life, however some people are seriously just addicted to sex and also use risky sex habits such as not using protection and could care less who the sex is with. I have a very high sex drive but I think the difference is I would have to love the person I am having sex with.

I know not all polys relate the two, but I think that is what keeps us from being open and/or swingers and makes us poly.

I could be wrong.
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Old 07-01-2013, 03:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Newbie9 View Post
Maybe I'm just an idealistic mono in a sea of liars and cheaters.
The defining characteristic for which "type" of relationship style you are most suited for seems to boil down to one trait (with two applications). So I would focus less on which relationship type you fall into and more on your personal approach to relating with your partner.
1. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have authority over and responsibility for your own time/feelings/body? Do you believe that your partner has any "duties" related to tending to your emotional state? Do you expect that they should maintain partial ownership of you?

2. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have any authority or responsibility over your partners time/feelings/body? Do you have any say in what they do with their time/emotions/body? Do you expect to maintain partial ownership of them?
In the end, this is the building block of how you are going to relate to your partners. This is the one trait that keeps popping up on these boards and in the relationships around me, and in my own previous relationships.

If, like me, you claim total ownership of your own time/feelings/body and claim no ownership of your partners time/feelings/body then you are polyamorous by default. More precisely you would fall into a relationship anarchist or independent poly type.

At the far other end where a person claims a great deal of authority over their partners time/feelings/body and expect this interdependence from their partner as well... that would be what I would call a kind of tyrannical monogamy or hell on Earth. The other styles fall somewhere in between, but the classification of your relationship style is far less important than understanding fundamentally how you relate to your romantic partner.
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Old 07-01-2013, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
The defining characteristic for which "type" of relationship style you are most suited for seems to boil down to one trait (with two applications). So I would focus less on which relationship type you fall into and more on your personal approach to relating with your partner.
1. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have authority over and responsibility for your own time/feelings/body? Do you believe that your partner has any "duties" related to tending to your emotional state? Do you expect that they should maintain partial ownership of you?

2. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have any authority or responsibility over your partners time/feelings/body? Do you have any say in what they do with their time/emotions/body? Do you expect to maintain partial ownership of them?
In the end, this is the building block of how you are going to relate to your partners. This is the one trait that keeps popping up on these boards and in the relationships around me, and in my own previous relationships.

If, like me, you claim total ownership of your own time/feelings/body and claim no ownership of your partners time/feelings/body then you are polyamorous by default. More precisely you would fall into a relationship anarchist or independent poly type.

At the far other end where a person claims a great deal of authority over their partners time/feelings/body and expect this interdependence from their partner as well... that would be what I would call a kind of tyrannical monogamy or hell on Earth. The other styles fall somewhere in between, but the classification of your relationship style is far less important than understanding fundamentally how you relate to your romantic partner.
If this is the litmus test in determining if a person is poly then I am poly. Like extreme poly. Or relationship anarchist as you call it. I'm independent, responsible for my body, time, and actions,trustworthy, and want the same in a partner. I have no desire to babysit adult humans. I have better things to do.

What you call hell on earth or tyrannical monogomy sounds to me like the description for a D/s relationship, which is not necessarily monogamous.
From my understanding in that type of relationship the sub's feelings may or may not be taken into consideration but the Master can bring others into the relationship for love and/or sex.
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Old 07-01-2013, 01:42 PM
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Anyway..... I keep reading and reading and reading. This is what I do when I am distressed. I read books. Just finished "In Sheeps Clothing".by George Simon. I read Internet forums. I read articles. I post things here and there. I need to post more. I am drawn to this forum, I keep coming back to it- I am somehow getting a sense of peace from reading your stories. I can't fully understand why but I think it has something to do with the fact that I am trying to re-establish my internal balance and readjust my lens on humanity back to the belief that we have the capacity to be honest with each other about our needs and desires. Holy run on sentence batman. Hope you guys can dig through the wahh wahh poor me and kinda understand what I'm trying to say.

I have been reading some other Internet forums too but they are just pissing me off and depressing me. One is just a bunch of bitter divorced women on an infidelity board and one is a general relationship forum. Lol.

I just want to get on with my life. I feel like I am living with a science experiment. An alien from outer space. I really care about this guy and want the best for him but who the hell is he? A sex addict? What is that? I'm supposed to go to a COSA support group tomorrow night? I'm going to go but it's more out of morbid curiosity at this point than anything else. I feel very detached.

I feel like the last three years have been a collosal waste of time. Then I feel like I have learned from them so it's ok. Then I feel hopeful that he can learn how to be a human being in these sex addict classes, then that makes me crack up at the absurdity of my own thoughts, then I think- its Monday, I should do some work. Then I wish I had someone to talk to. Then I think the only correct thought I should be having is PACK your SHIT and GO. Stop wasting time.

Oh yeah but it's my house. I signed the lease on my own. So I have to kick him and his dog out. He pays rent to me. He pays more than his fair share and mows the lawn and fixes things does trash and all that. He's not a freeloader.
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Old 07-01-2013, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Newbie9 View Post
If this is the litmus test in determining if a person is poly then I am poly
Oh gawd don't say that, you'll have this whole forum diving on me like rabid dogs.

I am not saying this is the litmus test for polyamory, I am saying that this sense of authority and responsibility is a big determining factor in what type of relationship you are likely to have. It is a fundamental reflection of how you view other people which in turn will shape the way your relationships work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Newbie9 View Post
And I don't think I could feel comfortable with my partner having sex or falling in love with others. I THINK I could MAYBE handle a once a year exception to the sex thing or something like that. I THINK i could MAYBE handle us having a couple we were friends with but not in love with to mess around with from time to time as long as nobody was being deceptive.
I'm curious to know what your hesitation is with your partner having relations of this nature. What is it that makes you approach it with such apprehension? I ask because you are so sure about not wanting to babysit adult humans and that you want your partner to be independent, responsible for their own time and body, etc.
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Old 07-01-2013, 02:23 PM
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Quote:
But when I am in a relationship I don't have a strong desire to have sex or fall in love with others.
Sounds like "monoamorous" in love style preference to me -- the desire or capacity to love one at a time.

Quote:
And I don't think I could feel comfortable with my partner having sex or falling in love with others. I THINK I could MAYBE handle a once a year exception to the sex thing or something like that. I THINK i could MAYBE handle us having a couple we were friends with but not in love with to mess around with from time to time as long as nobody was being deceptive.
Sounds like not necessarily "exclusively monogamous" in relationship shape preference then. Interested in experimenting with "polysexual" maybe? Not casual swinging sex with acquaintances, but steady FWB?

It's all spectrum. In the end it is up to you what serves you best at this time or what you want to explore.

I'd like to note though that what serves you best/what you are willing to explore in your 20's, 30's, 40's 50's and so on can all be different.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-01-2013 at 02:55 PM.
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Old 07-01-2013, 02:35 PM
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Oh gawd don't say that, you'll have this whole forum diving on me like rabid dogs.

I am not saying this is the litmus test for polyamory, I am saying that this sense of authority and responsibility is a big determining factor in what type of relationship you are likely to have. It is a fundamental reflection of how you view other people which in turn will shape the way your relationships work.



I'm curious to know what your hesitation is with your partner having relations of this nature. What is it that makes you approach it with such apprehension? I ask because you are so sure about not wanting to babysit adult humans and that you want your partner to be independent, responsible for their own time and body, etc.
I don't understand the need, and there is risk involved. Pregnancy, STI's.

I don't do drugs either and don't feel like I'm missing out. Not that they are similar I'm just saying I know people who smoke weed that think I am somehow not as evolved as them because I don't like weed. But it is illegal and I'm not interested in jail. Being high stresses me out and makes me feel like I'm going to disintegrate. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.? Nobody has ever given me a strong enough argument to convince me that doing something I don't enjoy anyway is better than going to jail.

I've never heard a reason why having sex or relationships with multiple partners is better than having sex with one. I concede that there are situations in which the STI/pregnancy issues could be minimized to acceptable levels. I've had threesomes and some other experimentation but my preference is simplicity. Keep the actors the same but keep giving them fresh scripts and scenes and playhouses.
I am attracted to women as well as men but only a very specific type of woman and I am perfectly content keeping it in memory and fantasyland.

So basically- if PRIOR to getting in a relationship it was somehow established that my partner wanted to do xyz I am open to negotiation and no, I don't want to establish any control over what that person does with their body but I would expect that THEY know what they are doing and why. And I don't think it's too much to ask for me to know. I am curious and interested not controlling. I would be more than happy to tell my partner exactly why I am attracted to that particular type of woman, where it came from, what happened.... I would think they would want to know.
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Old 07-01-2013, 03:06 PM
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Keep the actors the same but keep giving them fresh scripts and scenes and playhouses.
Right but this is how you personally prefer to have relationships. I was asking about your hesitance about how your *partner* has relationships.

I personally don't have a high drive to have multiple partners. I'm certainly not against it, and am always on the lookout for a new person to love, but it's not something I am particularly driven to add to my life. This is a separate issue from how I expect my *partner* to behave (which is none of my business).

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So basically- if PRIOR to getting in a relationship it was somehow established that my partner wanted to do xyz I am open to negotiation
But people change; they change all of the time. This approach seems to assume that people have fully "arrived" at their final worldview when they meet you and there won't be any shifts over time.

I'm not trying to badger you, this is just a valuable conversation in my opinion.
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