Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-14-2013, 03:57 PM
onoma onoma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default Thinking of buying book called "What do Women Want?" for my girlfriend

I've seen a few interviews with the author of this, and one of the claims in the book is that monogamy is more unnatural for women than for men. Also, that much of a woman's sex drive is basically controlled or dampened through societal pressure.

Just wondering if anyone here has read it and what they thought of it?

Thinking of getting it for my mono girlfriend to read. I know there are other books specifically about polyamory, but thinking that just introducing her to the idea that a lot of how she sees sex is due to societal pressure could be a good first step.

EDIT: BTW The full title is: "What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire" by Daniel Bergner

Last edited by onoma; 06-14-2013 at 04:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-14-2013, 04:35 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,174
Default

Full title and author would be helpful to know what you are referencing.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-14-2013, 04:36 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 656
Default

I haven't read it. I'm stuck in the first 25% of "Sex at Dawn" and I find I'm hating it (like I hate most evolutionary psych), so I probably won't end up reading this one either. (*)

However, yes, slut-shaming exists, and it sucks.

HOWEVER, however...
Showing your mono GF that the way she is is wrong is a BAD way to go. I'm mono, I went through this with my partner. Suffice to say I reacted badly to being "converted."

Yes, some of it can be societal (the "I want YOU to be faithful to ME" portion of monogamy can be that way). Some of it isn't. I partner with one person at a time. I just do. I'm not repressing anything. I'm not doing it because I don't know any better. I just do. Telling me that I'm wrong only serves to alienate me. Telling me that I'm only mono because society tells me to be is insulting as well, as though you know me better than I know myself.

Whoops. How'd that soapbox get there?
<kick>

Anyhoo... slut-shaming is real and awful. There was some news story about a 15-year old girl who got sexually assaulted, is now pregnant, is going through with the pregnancy, and her jackass neighbors are spray-painting "slut" and "whore" and various other epithets on her house. Real kind. That's the kind of crap that makes you want to repress anything that makes you look "promiscuous" to others and GETS young girls pregnant because they're too ashamed to get birth control.

Ah. Another soapbox. Whoopsie.

Not barking at you, onoma! The social aspect is tough in general, mono or poly, sometimes. Just watch out for that polyvangelism.

(*) Why do I hate evo-psych? Because it drives me crazy to hear that prior to <pick a point in our evolution>, we were the healthiest/best equipped to/best <blank> ever. Evo-psych tends to romanticize those points in our history while talking down how we've evolved societally or biologically, or whatever. Meanwhile, I tend to think things like higher mathematics, arts, poetry, science, space travel, you name it, is a pretty good price to pay for evolving past our "prime". Which pieces do you pick from our history, and which do you throw away from our present? You can't have both. Yes, let's understand where we came from, but let's not demonize who we are now.

Crap, now that's the third soapbox. I'm getting out before anvils start showing up.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-14-2013, 04:57 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Re:why you hate evo psych

I hate that too, i haven't read those books yet though. What i also hate and you see it quite a bit when discussing sex and sex sociology is the argument that "other cultures do it" and it's usually when it comes to rationalizing incest or justifying plural relationships.

I have to cut it short. Getting off the train.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-14-2013, 05:03 PM
onoma onoma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Re:why you hate evo psych

I hate that too, i haven't read those books yet though. What i also hate and you see it quite a bit when discussing sex and sex sociology is the argument that "other cultures do it" and it's usually when it comes to rationalizing incest or justifying plural relationships.

I have to cut it short. Getting off the train.
Err.. what's wrong with "other cultures do it." It pretty clearly points out how much power society has over a persons beliefs and behavior.

That said: Incest? Really? I vaguely remember from my anthropology class that incest was one of the few universal taboos we know about. Universal taboo meaning that no culture/society allows it. In fact, the theory behind incest being a universal taboo is that there IS something in our nature that prevents it.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-14-2013, 05:44 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 656
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
Err.. what's wrong with "other cultures do it." It pretty clearly points out how much power society has over a persons beliefs and behavior.
I won't speak for BG, but my issue is that many books point to some particular cultures as great examples of what to do, but I don't see any rational justification as to why those cultures are more "right" than any other. Why one method of societal evolution is "better" than another, unless it's to propagate one particular point of view. Then, yes, you pick those cultures that support your point.

What I prefer is an examination of how multiple cultures approach the same thing - I find THAT sort of spread fascinating, without the "this is better than that" trap many books fall into (or place themselves into in order to push a point).

Of course, it doesn't sell books, so what do I know?
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-14-2013, 07:33 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 814
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post
In fact, the theory behind incest being a universal taboo is that there IS something in our nature that prevents it.

They think there is a sort of sexuality dampener which occurs when being raised together, rather than being related. Which is why when you often hear of consensual incest cases it is usually amongst those who had not been raised together. Long lost relatives and such. And why adopted or step siblings rarely get involved with each other despite the lack of biological impediment.

In my own family I was raised with cousins so the idea of marrying cousins, despite it being legal, totally squicks me out.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-14-2013, 07:39 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
I won't speak for BG, but my issue is that many books point to some particular cultures as great examples of what to do, but I don't see any rational justification as to why those cultures are more "right" than any other. Why one method of societal evolution is "better" than another, unless it's to propagate one particular point of view. Then, yes, you pick those cultures that support your point.

What I prefer is an examination of how multiple cultures approach the same thing - I find THAT sort of spread fascinating, without the "this is better than that" trap many books fall into (or place themselves into in order to push a point).

Of course, it doesn't sell books, so what do I know?

Pretty much this. I mean, "other cultures" force women to marry their rapists and make small children labor in sweatshops so we can have designer clothes. Does that mean just because it's "working" that it supports the argument that it's better, ok, or just one way of doing things that is no better or no worse than another way?

And i agree that it is interesting to learn about the ways the same thing is in different cultures, but that's something else.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-14-2013, 07:48 PM
DarkDuality DarkDuality is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 9
Default

Fighting is bound to arise when one group claims they are better than another by doing X. Even from something as silly as Star Wars vs Star Trek (but don't tell them that).

The way I see it, humans are diverse and varried enough that there is no one true way. Each is different, and has different needs. That's what makes the world great.

I don't have a problem with a girl who wants to have sex, but she has to be aware of the risks and be safe.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-14-2013, 08:07 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Fighting is bound to arise when one group claims they are better than another by doing X. Even from something as silly as Star Wars vs Star Trek (but don't tell them that).
No need to. We have one or two threads on here in the Fireplace subforum that discuss Star Wars vs. Star Trek, and so far no fights have broken out about it. So you are not correct this time.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:23 PM.