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  #1  
Old 06-13-2013, 04:52 AM
demonicide demonicide is offline
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Default Am I just screwed?

I'm polyamorous in the strictest of definitions. It's not that I want to have sex with more than one person or that I have the capability of falling in love with more than one person simultaneously. I do fall in love with multiple people simultaneously. It's something I've always done and never quite understood. Like many people, I never had a name for it until recently, and I spent the majority of my life feeling "wrong" for doing so, like society was constantly judging me for this "social sin."

To complicate matters, I'm on the psychopathy spectrum, which means I don't make true relationships easily, and when I do, I process them very differently from the neurotypical majority. I love my "inner circle." Everyone else is questionable at best. Getting into my inner circle is difficult, and those who are in it, I love indiscriminately. There are a total of 6 people who, in my lifetime, have ever made it, and I love each and every one of them to this day.

The problem is as follows:
I started dating a girl 3 years ago. We'll call her R. When R and I started dating, I explained to her the way I form relationships and that I was polyamorous. At first, she thought that I simply meant that I wanted to have sex with multiple partners. She said she wasn't into that. I explained that it had nothing to do with sex, and that I just loved who I loved. It's not like I can control my ability to fall in love. I explained my inner circle as well. She said that she understood all of it, and that she wanted to pursue a strictly monoamorous relationship. I told her that I still loved my inner circle and always would, but I consented after much conversation, as none of my inner circle was active in my life at the time (at that time there were only 4: T, P, A, and S). I told R that if any of them came back into my life, it could present problems. She seemed to understand at the time.

Fast forward 3 years. Now R is in my inner circle. She is only the second "girlfirend" to gain that distinction. K is also there now too. K is a guy, and the first guy in the circle. Processing my feelings for him, however, is the subject of a later post (mostly since R doesn't see him as competition).

Two weeks ago, P popped back onto my radar. She randomly invited me to an event she was doing. I hadn't seen her in 7 years at that point, so I figured I'd go and catch up. We spent 8+ hours straight together that night, talking, drinking, and having a good time. It was about 3 hours in that I realized how much she still meant to me. So yeah, I'm still in love with her, but I have been for 10 years. The difference is that now she's an active part of my life again.

I brought up some of my thoughts on this with R. She set some ground rules and boundaries: "Nothing more than a peck on the lips, no groping, nothing below the waist. Hugging/cuddling is OK. Nothing sexual." In some ways, that's more than fair. Considering, she could have just went off on me or some other crap that normal westerners do in that sort of situation. However, in other ways it's so unfair. I don't think she fully understands that I love them both, equally but differently. I want to be with both of them all of the time.

I'm also unsure of P's feelings in this matter. Despite P telling me the first day we reconnected that she was OK with sharing, I'm unsure if she was joking. We didn't spend any serious time discussing it. And I don't want to tell her that I'm still in love with her (especially if she still has feeling for me) unless we can fully express them. I don't mean that I need to have sex with her, just that I want everyone to be on the same page. Telling her I love her in any other situation isn't fair to either of us.

The point is this: I feel stuck. I don't know how to proceed. I've become rather heartsick and, unfortunately, I'm becoming resentful of R in this situation (though there is also some resentment both ways in other situations...).

And what do I do if T, A, or S show up? Not that I'd complain having a big family with the five of them and their significant others, if they have them (and 2 do). It's just that the complication of R and P in my life simultaneously is really stressing me out.

So am I just screwed? Will I be able to come out of this remotely happy?
Advice? Any is welcome.
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  #2  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:02 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by demonicide View Post

The problem is as follows:
I started dating a girl 3 years ago. We'll call her R. When R and I started dating,

as none of my inner circle was active in my life at the time (at that time there were only 4: T, P, A, and S). I told R that if any of them came back into my life, it could present problems. She seemed to understand at the time.

Fast forward 3 years. Now R is in my inner circle. She is only the second "girlfirend" to gain that distinction. K is also there now too. K is a guy, and the first guy in the circle. Processing my feelings for him, however, is the subject of a later post (mostly since R doesn't see him as competition).

Two weeks ago, P popped back onto my radar.

I brought up some of my thoughts on this with R.

I'm also unsure of P's feelings in this matter. I'm becoming resentful of R in this situation (though there is also some resentment both ways in other situations...).

And what do I do if T, A, or S show up? Not that I'd complain having a big family with the five of them and their significant others, if they have them (and 2 do). It's just that the complication of R and P in my life simultaneously is really stressing me out.

So am I just screwed? Will I be able to come out of this remotely happy?
Advice? Any is welcome.



I think you have a choice between Wheel of Fortune and Words with Friends. I must admit, I don't envy your situation at all.
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  #3  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:16 AM
demonicide demonicide is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I think you have a choice between Wheel of Fortune and Words with Friends. I must admit, I don't envy your situation at all.
Thanks... If on the outside looking in, I wouldn't envy me either. As of today, I've had a 1.5 week stress headache...
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  #4  
Old 06-14-2013, 02:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are stressed out. BREATHE. You are not screwed.

Quote:
And what do I do if T, A, or S show up?
Could hold off on pre-worrying about future maybes. Deal with present day "already HERE." Reduce your stress.

Could stop being resentful toward R. She's renegotiated limits. She doesn't sound unwilling to talk. So why the resentment?
  • If you are happy with the new limits, great.
  • If you are happy enough for now but want the option to revisit later - let her know that's what you'd like and if she's willing to revisit later.
  • If you are unhappy, renegotiate.
  • If the limit is not actually where you want and you accepted terms that do not suit you? Could stop doing that. It is on you to NOT accept terms that don't serve you. It is not on her to mind reader you. Let her know you thought about it and changed mind about new limits and want to talk again.

If you want to be in concurrent relationship with R & P in whatever shape?
  • Decide what shape you want to propose. (ex: R is my lover, P is my no-sex but all other snuggles GF)
  • Ask them if they want to participate in a relationship that provides (list what else it is you want from them. What you could give to them. )
  • Then you can KNOW if they accept your offer or not.

But you have to fill out the outline a bit yourself so they have a reasonable offer to consider. Or invite them to fill it in with you, dream with you, what if with you.

But if this is what you want? You could decide that YES, you do want to pursue it now. If not ready to decide that yet, or not ready to pursue right now but want to at a later point? And you want to just SIT with it a bit more, that's fine too.

Again, you are not screwed. Just... stressy sounding while you contemplate change.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-14-2013 at 02:45 PM.
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  #5  
Old 06-15-2013, 12:02 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default if you understand Love well enough

to practice emotionally healthy polyamory, the people you choose to share your life with will probably be able to let you live your life any way that you are comfortable and not let it affect their relationship with you.

Maybe not from the get go, but eventually, and depending on how you treat each other during the transition. Keep talking with her and fully disclose your thoughts, feelings, and actions with her and so long as you continue to treat her like someone you genuinely care about and care for her well being, R will probably come around.

People who understand love and genuinely care for you, will recognize the right thing to do once they know their behavior is causing you to resent them. Although resent may not be the right word to use, everybody is different, but most people are not OK with causing pain or hurt in their loved ones life. But if they feel attacked their reaction will not reflect their love for you.

She does sound like she is capable of understanding, and most people are responsive to their partners concerns when they are discussed honestly without using truth as weapon.

Our society's view on sex has caused many problems, sorry that you are suffering from the unhealthy view that most have accepted
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  #6  
Old 06-15-2013, 12:18 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by demonicide View Post
Thanks... If on the outside looking in, I wouldn't envy me either. As of today, I've had a 1.5 week stress headache...
Yeah but... you did set this up, knowing full well it might happen. You started a monogamous relationship with a woman who was explicitly against anything but a monogamous relationship with you. You, on the other hand, knew full well that if you had the opportunity to hook up with any of your friends that you were going to want to do so.

Did you ever think to consider how you might handle this eventuality as you were setting this situation up for yourself? To me it sounds like you've designed a no-win situation and are now surprised that you are in a no-win situation.
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  #7  
Old 06-17-2013, 03:50 PM
demonicide demonicide is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
Keep talking with her and fully disclose your thoughts, feelings, and actions with her and so long as you continue to treat her like someone you genuinely care about and care for her well being, R will probably come around.

People who understand love and genuinely care for you, will recognize the right thing to do once they know their behavior is causing you to resent them. Although resent may not be the right word to use, everybody is different, but most people are not OK with causing pain or hurt in their loved ones life. But if they feel attacked their reaction will not reflect their love for you.
Thank you. That was very reassuring and made me feel a bit better.
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