Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 08-17-2013, 04:52 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,048
Default

I have spent nights over at my boyfriend's house since we started this whole journey. It is a bit complicated due to everyone's schedule but I will to my best.

Week one: Monday and Tuesday he works 6p to 6a. (Normal work hours), Wednesday and Thursday he's off so I will spend one night overnight. If hubby is off I spend the night there solo. If not then if the kids are off they come along. If it is the school year then Murf comes here. He works then Friday through Sunday.

Week 2: He is off Monday and Tuesday. We do an overnight with above rules applied. Wednesday and Thursday he works. He is then off Friday through Sunday. I stay at his house the entire weekend. Through Monday morning I am solo. With the kids it depends if the kids have school. If they do we go home Sunday.

My husband works 7 days then is off Tuesday and Wednesday. Then works 8 days and has a 4 day weekend. So every 6 weeks boyfriend and hubby's weekends cross over. And one of hubby's other days off too.

Right now my kids are playing football so add in trying to work that in. Scheduling this fall will be interesting.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 08-17-2013, 05:58 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Personally I think in the early months, once a week would be plenty, and maybe one other non-sleepover date per week.
Surely this depends completely on the individual. I find it very controlling for someone to say they know what is "too much" for me in a relationship I am not having with them. My obligation is to maintain the relationships that I create - obviously I must ensure I spend enough time with all my partner(s) for our relationship to flourish. I don't need a rule to guide me in doing that, surely it should be something I want to do and therefore do it automatically. I'm finding that people seem to need rules to remind them to be nice to their loved ones.
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 08-17-2013, 06:11 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 255
Default

My boyfriend and I stay together a lot during the week, it seems. At least one night, usually 2, sometimes all 5 (Monday-Friday). My dh works nights so he isn't home anyway. I save Saturday and Sunday nights to actually get to sleep at the same time as him, unless it's a special occasion (birthday or something) that makes it make sense for me to stay at bf's.

When bf and I first started seeing each other, we had NRE out the wazoo. There was about 2 months where we saw each other every day of the week, stayed together most nights, and were constantly talking/texting. It was ridiculous and fun, and I am so glad that I was aware it was happening and could communicate about it with dh. Luckily, dh loves seeing me all giddy so he was all for it, too.

It works for us. I know there will be a time when I will probably have fewer nights with bf, since he will have other partners at some point, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 08-17-2013, 04:42 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,677
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Surely this depends completely on the individual.
Which is why the first word in my post was "Personally." Jeez, London, read and comprehend!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 08-17-2013, 10:51 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

No, actually, I read that bit. The problem I had was that you seem to be talking about relationships that you aren't directly involved in. Ie. How often your partner needs to see their other partners. Also, how much you like them seems to dictate whether they earn the right to an opinion and if they so want, more time with your shared partner:

Quote:
After a few months, if the metamours get along and everything is cool, more time together for everyone as desired can be negotiated.
There seems to be no consideration for the fact that your partner and particularly your metamour may want to do things differently
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 08-18-2013, 12:51 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,677
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
No, actually, I read that bit. The problem I had was that you seem to be talking about relationships that you aren't directly involved in. Ie. How often your partner needs to see their other partners.
Actually I was talking about myself, since my gf has not had the desire for many sleepovers with the couple people she's been involved with since she and I have been together.

I would not choose to have a new OSO spend more than a night or 2 a week here, nor would I go spend the night with an OSO more than say, once a week. Or even less, in the early months. I like to get involved gradually. I love the NRE feeling but I don't let it make my behavior crazy. I temper wants (NRE causing me to want to be with a person all the time) with practicalities and the feelings of my gf and bf. I just can't imagine suddenly finding a 3rd partner that I desired so much, I'd want to be with them day after day instead of my usual schedule with my present partners.

Quote:
Also, how much you like them seems to dictate whether they earn the right to an opinion and if they so want, more time with your shared partner...
lol Everyone has a right to their opinion. If they were of the opinion they needed to see my gf for 5 overnights a week, I think my gf would be of a different opinion. And so would I. Neither of us would do that to the other. Lots of IMing with new person? Sure, we give each other space for that. Spending the majority of the week having face time with new person? No.

If new person was liked or loved, the way miss pixi loves my bf Ginger, yes, it's fine. We moved into a house in his neighborhood partly just so he could be with me/us more often. He now comes here for 2-3 hours about every other day (we'd be doing a sleepover probably once a week too like we used to, but he's been ill and needs his own bed at night). If she didn't like him, I wouldnt have him over as much. But then, if she didn't like him, I probably would see her reasons for why she didn't, since she's looking out for me, and he probably wouldn't become a serious bf, just an occasional play partner.


Quote:
There seems to be no consideration for the fact that your partner and particularly your metamour may want to do things differently
Well, "no consideration" for a metamour is strong language. I respect all peoples' desires and needs. But I would expect a brand new person in either of our lives wouldn't expect to just take over either of us, 5 days a week, and 5 nights. They'd know I'm tight with, and want to spend lots of time with the partners I already have that I am crazy about. They'd know I am very important to miss pixi too and frankly, she likes her space and I highly doubt she'd give the impression to any new partner that she wants to be with them all the time right off the bat, drunk on NRE. We just don't work that way.

You might, and that is fine for you. It's not how we operate.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 08-18-2013, 01:51 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,345
Default

I happen to agree with Mag.
I HAVE a family. If someone new wants to integrate into the family dynamic they will achieve MUCH more time with me then if they insist on only having alone time.
If they want to have alone time only-they are going to be hard pressed to get even one night a week honestly-because I have kids and I'm not going to alter my responsibilities to them for a new person. My obligation to my kids in terms of time will alter as they age (which I know-because I have 3 grown out of the home and 2 left at home).

New people (lovers or friends or whoever) don't automatically get the same amount of time and attention that established family members get simply because they aren't established family members. They could become that. But they aren't to start out.

And
Like Mags-I don't think allowing NRE to run wild to the point that you set your current obligations aside (thus leaving someone else to deal with them) is appropriate. Period.
I wouldn't want to date someone who was willing to throw their life away to be with me and I won't be that kind of date for someone else.
I want mature, responsible people who maintain their current obligations. That to me is sexy.
Flinging it all to the winds so we can fuck more often-not sexy.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 08-18-2013, 02:37 AM
alibabe_muse's Avatar
alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346
Wink

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Like Mags-I don't think allowing NRE to run wild to the point that you set your current obligations aside (thus leaving someone else to deal with them) is appropriate. Period.
I wouldn't want to date someone who was willing to throw their life away to be with me and I won't be that kind of date for someone else.
I want mature, responsible people who maintain their current obligations. That to me is sexy.
Flinging it all to the winds so we can fuck more often-not sexy.
LR - the above is so true! You've given a good template, so to speak, on how I would prefer a new relationship to work. Having a family makes it more complicated & my responsibility is family first. If we had no children, I'd still not go all NRE gaga & forget my current life & priorities. Thank you!
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 08-18-2013, 03:58 AM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: sw missouri
Posts: 932
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Some people overdo it. They let their NRE carry them away and want to sleep over with the new person several days a week. Personally I think in the early months, once a week would be plenty, and maybe one other non-sleepover date per week.

After a few months, if the metamours get along and everything is cool, more time together for everyone as desired can be negotiated.
That sounds about right for me. As it is I work 2 overnights as it is, so I'm only home 5 night's a week, 1 of them I go home immediately to bed then get up early in the morn so its almost like only being home 4 days. I really would only want to spend 1 night elsewhere.

Nick can have sleepover guests the nights I'm gone and J sometimes stays over with both of us.
__________________
Sue, openly in a vee with Nate (polysexual, many fwb) and Sam (Mono)
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 08-18-2013, 08:28 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Everyone has a right to their opinion. If they were of the opinion they needed to see my gf for 5 overnights a week, I think my gf would be of a different opinion.
And that's the key thing. The way I see it, making a rule or guideline about how much it is appropriate for your partner to see their new partner shouldn't be necessary. Hopefully, I would have chosen a partner who understands that NRE isn't an excuse to forget your obligations to your existing relationships.If your partner meets someone who wants to spend so much time with them that maintaining other relationships or responsibilities is difficult, it should be them who negotiates that with their new partner because of their desire to maintain all the relationships they have, not because we have a rule that they have to abide by. I shouldn't need to enforce a boundary that quantifies what is too much. My partner is in our relationship too, they should know what will fuck with our shit and take steps to avoid it.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:36 PM.