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  #11  
Old 06-13-2013, 04:51 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I say just do the damn overnight and deal with it. It isn't as big of a deal when you're there as it is when you're OMGOMG "working toward" it. You might even LIKE it. I LIKE it when my spouse is over at the other place. They are out of my way and I can play music or movies on the iMac because Spouse isn't "editing" or "rendering", nor are they making parodies of Amazon banana-slicer reviews , nor are said videos constantly uploading to youtube... you don't have to make them leave the country so you can vacuum around their feet... Everyone's happy.
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  #12  
Old 06-13-2013, 04:55 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I say just do the damn overnight and deal with it. It isn't as big of a deal when you're there as it is when you're OMGOMG "working toward" it. You might even LIKE it. I LIKE it when my spouse is over at the other place. They are out of my way and I can play music or movies on the iMac because Spouse isn't "editing" or "rendering", nor are they making parodies of Amazon banana-slicer reviews , nor are said videos constantly uploading to youtube... you don't have to make them leave the country so you can vacuum around their feet... Everyone's happy.
Amen to that. I would love it if my husband went on more overnights. In fact he's planning a week away with his GF now, and today he said he was having second thoughts, and I was like NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I love being home alone. To me it's one of the major perks of poly.
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  #13  
Old 06-13-2013, 05:31 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Default first overnight jitters

So, my boyfriend and i have been together for a few months, and are going on our first overnight together. My husband (Who doesnt have a steady gf right now, one 'fling' and has chatted with a few woment) is being very nice about it, bf's wife seems a tad more insecure (though she has gone on overnights).

Here's the thing, Ive been looking forward to getting to do this together for a while, since we only go out once a week, spendign the night will be so relaxing but I was not expecting to feel so conflicted about it. Im worried my spouse is going to be upset, even though he seems fine with it, and im just feeling kind of badly for going for reasons I cant even pin down, like I should go home to spouse and kids instead of enjoying a night with BF. Even though its only one night.

Anyone else experience this? i feel like im being a little nutty :/
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  #14  
Old 06-13-2013, 05:38 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I love being home alone. To me it's one of the major perks of poly.
Thank you for this, it actually just made me feel better abut going on my first overnight!! im feeling all bad about my husband, when in actuality he LOVES being alone and i sometimes forget that. lol
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  #15  
Old 06-13-2013, 05:39 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post

Here's the thing, Ive been looking forward to getting to do this together for a while, since we only go out once a week, spendign the night will be so relaxing but I was not expecting to feel so conflicted about it. Im worried my spouse is going to be upset, even though he seems fine with it, and im just feeling kind of badly for going for reasons I cant even pin down, like I should go home to spouse and kids instead of enjoying a night with BF. Even though its only one night.

Anyone else experience this? i feel like im being a little nutty :/
Guilt is such a useless emotion and women seem to traffic in it so frequently when they are getting what they desire/need.

Go, enjoy it. Your spouse may be upset, but you staying at home will not deal with that underlying issue, it will prolong it. If he is upset, then think about it as a chance for the two of you to work on those feelings and grow. If he's not, avoid the thought some people have of "oh, he doesn't care" and be comforted by the fact that your spouse is dealing with his own feelings in a positive way. If you and BF have been honest and respectful, really try not to focus on his wife. Let him do that work.

Have fun!
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  #16  
Old 06-13-2013, 05:43 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Chimera, thank you! you are spot on. I used to have an article posted in my office titled "everything guilt" with a funny list of things like, i ate cookies in bed, my dog is fat because i dont walk her. Anyway, I will try to relax and enjoy, let my husband take care of himself until we discuss again and let BF deal with his own relationship issues with his spouse.

my husband really has been absolutely amazing, so im not sure why im worried!
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  #17  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:04 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I just started dating someone who is newly embracing poly himself. During a conversation, he checked with me to make sure it was okay to mention that he has some other dates set up. I told him that, of course, it was fine. He then told me he felt a little guilty that he had these other dates, and that he was still looking on OKCupid, while he is also dating me. He acknowledged that it isn't logical, but I was glad he talked about it because it lets me see a little bit more into who he is and how he approaches relationships.

I think it is only natural after we have been conditioned by society to be monogamous and focus all our attentions on one person/partner, that it could be a little disorienting or unnerving to have the freedom to focus on someone else. Be compassionate toward yourself, let go of any self-criticism, and just go and have a good time. Be sure to acknowledge your hubby for how amazing, understanding, and loving he is - and you'll be fine!
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  #18  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:06 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I love being home alone. To me it's one of the major perks of poly.

I really believe that people who enjoy solitude and their own company are the best suited to nonmonogamy. I read a lot of posts from people who don't like to be alone, are lonely when they are not surrounded by people, haven't spent a day apart since they met, can't sleep alone, blah blah, etc. Then they think additional relationships are the "solution" to that, only to discover that they are alone MORE because their partner met someone else first, or GAUD FORBID they catch "their unicorn" and feel even MORE left-out and lonely when the other two people start getting it on in front of them! I'm not saying it's impossible to transition from totally-entwined-monogamy to a workable "poly" dynamic, I'm just saying I think it's more effortless for people who have very independent lives already.

Recently, I received a compliment that I actually make plans to do things and THEN ask my spouse if they would like to join me. The person complimenting me was expressing frustration with one of their own friends who would cancel plans or not even make plans if their spouse couldn't or wouldn't go with them.
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  #19  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:10 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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@nycindie, is it my husband? cause hes on OkCupid. lol. Actually he's having a hard time finding girls to date, hes a good looking guy but they get scared off by the married bit. I digress!
Thank you for the advise! Im glad I posted this because just the few responses are helping me feel better.

I think part of it too, is i feel like there is a lot riding on this right now because things have been rocky and I just want to relax and have fun with him like i used to!
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  #20  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:23 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
@nycindie, is it my husband? cause hes on OkCupid. lol. Actually he's having a hard time finding girls to date, hes a good looking guy but they get scared off by the married bit.
Hey, Connecticut isn't too far from NYC - introduce us! Heh-heh (only half-kidding).
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