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  #1  
Old 06-27-2013, 01:42 AM
esarati300 esarati300 is offline
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Unhappy I need some advice on what to do. Wife have me on the back burner (kinda long)

Hey everyone, I live in a poly family with kids for about 2 years. My wife been poly for about 3 years all together. The whole poly lifestyle started when I brought the stress home from work to my wife. (Which I am not happy about) I can't change that now. But me bringing the stress home and not giving much attention to her. so she went to cheat on me and had feelings for him. pretty much that is how the poly came out. It was a very hard thing for me to accept, but I said I was willing to try out the lifestyle after days of talking about it. At first she had a good amount of lovers and I was ok with it because I know she will come back to me and still be sexual with me. I do wish I had a partner for fairness, but she have no control over that.plus girls can get many lovers just like that. There is one she have met and really fell in love with him, where he move in with us. We have a queen size bed, so we try all 3 of us to sleep in the bed. Which did not work out. she is a BBW so the space is limited. Then we switch to one night you sleep up stairs with her and some nights you sleep on the couch. For some reason I could not sleep upstairs anymore. (Not sure why) So I sleep on the couch for good. But now she is showing all the attention to him and always give him sex, where we don't have sex anymore. She always making something up, like I am going to fast or I have bad timing. she have a new set of rules. One time I ask her to go cuddle upstairs and she said no I want to stay down stairs, so I leave to do something and come back, I find her upstairs with him, having sex. she said she do feel more comfortable with him and feel awkward with me. She want to be friends for awhile before we are lovers again. Because of my stress issue. Just hard for me to be friends with her, when she still have her other lovers and having sex. I would be jealous about that because I won't get love. I do feel empty and alone. where she have so many lovers to fall back on. Just not sure if we will be lovers again. Should I be her friend and start over with or should I just move out? Just really hard knowing my wife is having sex everyday with him and sometimes I am home when it happens. Any help would be great. Just don't know where to turn.
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  #2  
Old 06-27-2013, 02:24 AM
PaulDrakket PaulDrakket is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by esarati300 View Post
I do wish I had a partner for fairness, but she have no control over that
The first thing I want to point out is that life isn't fair and that polyamory is no different. The concept of fairness has no place in the real world, or your relationships.

As for what you should do, that's a tough call. Personally, I would move out, but continue the relationship (assuming you still love her and that she has interest in you, of course). However, I feel as though I don't have nearly the wealth of information and insight that you do about these people.

Regardless, more than anything, communicate. Talk to them both about how you feel and try to get a sense of the way they see the future playing out. It can be helpful to know what others foresee and expect in/of the future when determining what our place in it might be (if we have one at all).

Best of luck to you.
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  #3  
Old 06-27-2013, 03:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are going through this.

You have some hard decisions ahead.

You sound like it is poly hell.

Could ask wife to clarify If she's talking "Friends and healthy marriage" or "Friends and healthy exes." Right now her behavior doesn't sound very "friendly" to me. She cheats on you, polyships badly, and now you are on the couch suffering. This is not loving kindness type behavior toward a spouse.

To solve the couch problem...
  • You could move out entirely, and have your own bedroom that way.
  • You could ALL move to a home where everyone has their own bedroom, and there's no more of this ousted to the couch business.

Which of those two options you pick depends on how invested you and wife are in rebuilding the marriage and remaining in polyship with the other person.

But if her actions show she's not emotionally present in the marriage any more? Continued investment in the marriage, continued investment in the polyship, or NEW investing in a larger home may not be the best choice for your OWN well being. Because the return on the investments is meh and not fulfilling.

I know things probably suck right now for your short term health. Could accept that it is short term health suckage then.

And look after your own LONG term health even if you have to endure short term suckage to get to a better place.

Sometimes the choices in life are not "win" or "lose" but "which of these stinky options stinks the least?"

Could sort it out. Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-27-2013 at 03:12 AM.
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  #4  
Old 06-27-2013, 04:14 PM
BBQGreg BBQGreg is offline
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What's in it for you if you stay with her? What are the downsides?
What's in it for you if you leave her? What are the upsides?

I don't see much upside in spending your life with someone who you say doesn't manifest love for you and who you don't feel friendly towards. And yes you have kids... but kids can tell when their parents aren't both happy together or aren't both treating each other well. I believe it can cause them to lose respect for one or both parents and sets them a poor example for their own future lives and relationships. So while it's fine, even laudable, to consider your children's wellbeing when making your decision, children's wellbeing isn't
automatically better served by their parents staying together than by their parents divorcing.

My advice is to leave unless you honestly believe your relationship with your wife ( feelings and actions both, for both of you to each other) can and will improve to a desirable state within an acceptable time frame. Desirable state and acceptable time frame are for you to define, but be honest with yourself when you do it.
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  #5  
Old 06-30-2013, 11:32 PM
Elements Elements is offline
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That's terrible and is poly hell. You should sit her down and talk to her about this. Are you dating others as well?
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  #6  
Old 07-01-2013, 02:15 AM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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Unhappy

Hi there. First of all, I'm the mono husband of a poly wife. We'd been married for years before she started having serious feelings for others and wanted to open our marriage. That said, there were a couple of points that caught my attention.

Quote:
Originally Posted by esarati300 View Post
But me bringing the stress home and not giving much attention to her. so she went to cheat on me and had feelings for him. pretty much that is how the poly came out.
This, more than anything, is a HUGE misconception. Polyamory is about being open, honest, and respectful about non-monogamy. Except for the number of people involved, cheating is almost the exact opposite. Think of it this way: Polyamory is you willingly giving someone money because they asked. Cheating is someone hacking into your bank account and stealing from you. (And then when they get caught, they try to say "Well, let's just SAY you gave it to me. And are going to keep giving to me going forward.") You were cheated on. That's horrible and I deeply sympathize. My wife started out the same way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by esarati300 View Post
It was a very hard thing for me to accept, but I said I was willing to try out the lifestyle after days of talking about it. At first she had a good amount of lovers and I was ok with it because I know she will come back to me and still be sexual with me. I do wish I had a partner for fairness, but she have no control over that.plus girls can get many lovers just like that. There is one she have met and really fell in love with him, where he move in with us. We have a queen size bed, so we try all 3 of us to sleep in the bed. Which did not work out. she is a BBW so the space is limited. Then we switch to one night you sleep up stairs with her and some nights you sleep on the couch. For some reason I could not sleep upstairs anymore. (Not sure why) So I sleep on the couch for good. But now she is showing all the attention to him and always give him sex, where we don't have sex anymore. She always making something up, like I am going to fast or I have bad timing. she have a new set of rules. One time I ask her to go cuddle upstairs and she said no I want to stay down stairs, so I leave to do something and come back, I find her upstairs with him, having sex. she said she do feel more comfortable with him and feel awkward with me. She want to be friends for awhile before we are lovers again. Because of my stress issue. Just hard for me to be friends with her, when she still have her other lovers and having sex. I would be jealous about that because I won't get love. I do feel empty and alone. where she have so many lovers to fall back on. Just not sure if we will be lovers again. Should I be her friend and start over with or should I just move out? Just really hard knowing my wife is having sex everyday with him and sometimes I am home when it happens. Any help would be great. Just don't know where to turn.
So much wrong here I barely know where to start. Another misconception I see with "polyamory" is the idea of "I'm poly so I'm want to open up my marriage so I can have all this relationship with New while dumping all over Old." I've seen many poly relationships on here where the person in love with two people treats EACH person in a LOVING MANNER. From what you write, BF is getting all the love while you are feeling neglected. The fundamental questions for a mono in a "poly" relationship is not "Is this fair?" but "Am I getting what I need from this relationship?" and if not, "CAN I get what I need from this relationship?" It sounds like the answer is NO to both questions. Not to mention this sounds less like Polyamory and more like "She wants to freedom to have lots of sex with her BF without me making a stink over it."

Myself, I think I'd move out or ask Wife and BF to move out. This so does NOT sound like a healthy dynamic. I'm really sorry she's putting you through this.
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  #7  
Old 07-02-2013, 12:54 AM
esarati300 esarati300 is offline
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Hey there, Icewraithonyx. I was wondering are you ok with being a mono husband? Would you want more love? I always want it to have another love, but never have any luck. If I had another lover I would not feel alone anymore. When my wife comes home she go right up to her bf and the next morning I go to work so I don't really see her sunday-thursday. Mind you it is because of work. I might see her for about 30 min or so. On Friday we are both home, just me,her and the kids. I can tell she feels not her self around me. She covers up and there is no touching each other. We are pretty much like friends. But the hard thing is to be a friend. Because I know I am not getting no touching or sex from her. When the bf comes home, she have sex with him right away. She makes excuse with me, like (going to fast) or (words turn her on from text) which I can not do at work, where the bf can. I have no control over that. I just wonder if she will ever be sexual with me again. Like I said I bring a lot of stress to her and there was a good amount of time that I said I would leave her. which I never did. I am upset I said that to her. She is not comfortable with me anymore. I was wondering will she ever feel comfortable with me again? Should I start out as friends? Just knowing she is still having sex gets to me. She have sex with 3 other lovers and treat them well. But then again they never did anything to hurt her. I do get along with all her lovers. So she choose wisely. i was thinking to move out, but it would not be the best idea because of my son. Would like to make this work if i can.

Last edited by esarati300; 07-02-2013 at 12:58 AM.
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  #8  
Old 07-02-2013, 04:13 AM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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Am I okay being a mono husband? Pretty much. I'm not ruling out future relationships but right now I'm working on being comfortable in my current relationship. It would be unfair to seek to date someone as a "band-aid" for my discontent. One of the common pitfalls in non-monogamy is the "Relationship broken so add more people." Then the "broken" relationship gets worse quickly because all the time and energy is going to the new relationship. When it dies and new relationship starts having trouble, they often repeat the cycle.

One of the only things we have control over is identifying our wants and needs and determining whether those are being met. Is a platonic non-sexual marriage meeting your needs? I'm guessing no. You mentioned that she's been hurt by you and that may be part of the reason for the physical distance. Is anything being done to resolve this?

Also it may be an idea to invite her to join the forum, not only to read what you've expressed but to express her wants and needs as well.
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