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  #1  
Old 06-11-2013, 10:20 PM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Default Eqaull Love?

Is love ever equal? One day you love your boyfriend more than your husband. The next day you love your husband more than your boyfriend. How common is this? Or girl friend more than your wife. No problem just curious.
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  #2  
Old 06-11-2013, 11:23 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Yes, love is "ever" equal, but sometimes it is more equal than others.

I am really trying to dig deep and figure out why it annoys me that people seem obsessed about this whole "equal" thing, in the context of these "polyamorous relationships". I am not addressing other forms of equality, such as equal wages, equal treatment under the law, etc. This is only in regards to "emotional equality" or whatever a person values between themselves and their partner(s). Here is what i have come up with so far:

It iis not really about equality. It's about being number-1. Everyone wants to be number-1 at SOMETHING, right? I know i do. But we can't ALL be number-1 at EVERYTHING all the time. And nobody WANTS to be number-2. I have never heard ANYONE say, "i want to be SECOND best! I want to win the SILVER medal at the Olympics!". "i want to be VICE PRESIDENT someday!"

I think that this (perceived) obsession with being "equal" in relationships, whatever that means to a person, is rooted in the competitive mindset. Insecurity and low self-esteem certainly play a part in SOME cases, but i have observed enough people admit with relish that they are competitive, type-A, over-achiever personality-types to be able to conclude that it isn't necessarily a pathological or dysfunctional condition or mindset. I shall even go so far to say that ambition, competitiveness, recognition, popularity, and achievement are all considered virtues and desirable qualities to have about oneself, in the society i live in which us urban united states.

So - this tend to find its way into relationships. The thing is, you can control your results to a certain extent when it comes to your career, your hobbies, your long-term plans and investments, and you can set goals (we were talking about goals versus self-esteem in another thread; this is related to that but covers a slightly different scope) and work toward them and change your approach or improve it as you learn more, you gain experience and expertise and apply it and if you put forth enough and the right kind of effort, you can be number-1 eventually.

But relationships don't work that way. You don't get to decide whether someone loves you, in what way, how much, and whether you are the only one or are there others. None of us get to decide that. Our partners could stop loving us at any time and leave, or decide to stay with us for any reason. This of course goes the other way, too. We can't control whether other people love us, and other people are not REQUIRED to love us! But society tells us we have to be number-1 or we are doing it wrong. So we tell our partners that our love is "equal". We recite group-think party-lines such as "when you have a second child it doesn't make you love the first any less" and "i have more than one favorite food" to intellectually avoid admitting that we don't want to "pick favorites". We don't want to tell one partner that we like the way the other partner kisses better, because we don't want to hurt their feelings. So we say "love is equal" and we eschew hierarchy and have endless discussions about jealousy and how poly is a lot of work... When all it is is, you just want to be number-one, and so does everyone else. Well, not everyone else, i mean not me, i know i am number-1 with both of my partners. But i'm number-1 with them IN MY HEAD, i don't worry about what they feel for others. And as for both of them, i love them about the same, but they also do not obsess about that; they have different qualities that i value in each, and i am unable to itemize and quantify the sum of the parts.

tl;dr Getting worked-up about "equal love" is futile and that energy could be better expended toward becoming fabulous, or at least awesome.
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Old 06-12-2013, 12:51 AM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Its not something I worry about. I'm ok with my wife loving her boyfriend more than me some of the time. I feel compersion. I love that she loves him a lot. We have a very good marriage. Love it when they make love. And its a lot better with him than me. I have to be the most important person in her life but she doesn't have to love me more than her boyfriend.
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  #4  
Old 06-12-2013, 12:53 AM
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graviton graviton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SEcondary View Post
Its not something I worry about. I'm ok with my wife loving her boyfriend more than me some of the time. I feel compersion. I love that she loves him a lot. We have a very good marriage. Love it when they make love. And its a lot better with him than me. I have to be the most important person in her life but she doesn't have to love me more than her boyfriend.
I'll bet its because he's a lot bigger than you are. Am I right? He he I love reading your posts SEcondary.
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Old 06-12-2013, 01:04 AM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Originally Posted by graviton View Post
I'll bet its because he's a lot bigger than you are. Am I right? He he I love reading your posts SEcondary.
You are RIGHT. Both me and my wife love it this way. Would not change if we could. Me 5 him 9. he knows my wife and I love it like this.
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  #6  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:34 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SEcondary View Post
You are RIGHT. Both me and my wife love it this way. Would not change if we could. Me 5 him 9. he knows my wife and I love it like this.
I realize you started this thread, but did you want to have a discussion about "equal love" or the size of your wife's boyfriend's dick. I like big dicks just as much as you do, but don't you already have like two or three threads dedicated to THIS person's dick? Can we inject some variety and discuss the dicks of other people who may not yet have had threads started about their dicks?
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  #7  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:10 AM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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What I did was answer someone's question. Is that ok. It was not my focus of this thread. I don't have two threads dedicated to his dick. It is mentioned because it is part of the relationship. Can't and don't want to separate it from him.

Last edited by SEcondary; 06-12-2013 at 03:12 AM.
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  #8  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:16 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Remind me not to stay on-topic so often.
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  #9  
Old 06-13-2013, 12:55 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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BG, thank you for your long well thought out post about competition, ambition and the inability to quantify love.

Now tell me, is your dick as long as your post?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (42, M) since Oct 2015 (he has recently downgraded us to friends)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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  #10  
Old 06-13-2013, 01:25 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
BG, thank you for your long well thought out post about competition, ambition and the inability to quantify love.

Now tell me, is your dick as long as your post?
My dick is as long as the world is round.
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