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  #51  
Old 03-24-2014, 03:55 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
JQS posted this in another thread and I thought it really summarized my thoughts about casual sex and FWBs too
I'm happy that something that I wrote resonated with you.... I feel that I have tried to explain this so many times without anyone understanding my feelings....
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #52  
Old 03-24-2014, 03:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I'm glad JQS! I decided to copy your words because I've had trouble explaining that difference to folks too. It's the reason that while I am fine with casual sex, it just doesn't happen that often. I prefer some sort of a connection - doesn't have to be 'LUV' but something.
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  #53  
Old 04-14-2014, 02:48 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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There's been a lot going on and yet not much has changed.

I've gone on a few dates with a gentleman who I may need to think of a nickname for. It's been fun. The chemistry is not incandescent as it was with Whip but there. He's also very different from Whip - wants to talk about feelings, has the vocabulary and techniques to talk about emotions. He's older than me, which is different. I worry about getting too involved too quickly, about hurting him. He's quite sensitive. But we will see how things go.

I feel so disconnected with Whip. That incandescent chemistry may have burned itself out. Sex has not been frequent lately, nor particularly interesting. It's not unsatisfying but seems rote now. I have been trying to decide if I want to talk to Whip about that specifically. But it may be a symptom of something deeper.

I realize relationships have ebbs and flows, times when people in a relationship are more in tune and times when they are not. But I have not experienced from my side as a deep lack of connection. I know Whip experiences and understands connection differently than I do. And I'm not sure what to do about it.

Whip and I talked relatively recently about how we feed need for intimacy and socializing. Whip kept saying to me after various parties that he wished he had more time for socializing. I was puzzled because we had spent quite a lot of time together. I was also rather sad that time with me doesn't count as 'social' for Whip. For me social does include one on one time. Also one on one time is what I need to develop intimacy, to feel connected. Social for Whip is always groups, usually fairly large. Smaller groups don't seem to provide what Whip wants from socializing either. I'm not sure why. Intimacy for Whip is sex and physical closeness. That is important for me too but if there hasn't been the time to be around each other one on one, then sex doesn't make up for that lack of connecting. We've talked about this difference and are aware of it. But I don't know how much of a difference that will make.

It doesn't help that I've been sick with cold and allergies, or he's been sick, so that's cut down on time. And he's been working a night shift so I have not actually seen him in some time. It feels like forever. I know I am being dramatic about this. When a need of mine is not being met, I start to feel starved for it. I get demanding and impatient. Patience is not a strong suit although I am trying. I remind myself that he is exhausted, working a night shift and trying to keep on top of his other businesses. He has another girlfriend who wants his time too. I keep reminding myself of that and to be patient - the night shift won't last forever. But it's exacerbated things I felt were an issue before he started this job. They've gotten worse in my opinion. He just feels checked out. I'm putting effort in to maintain contact - I text him frequently and I know I won't get a reply because he is working and I call when I think he might be available. But there doesn't seem to be an effort to be in touch with me. Likely because of the exhaustion. I know.

I am at a loss.
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  #54  
Old 04-14-2014, 02:59 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I also don't know how to deal with someone who is more passive in their relationship style. I tend to identify what is amiss from my perspective and then go try and figure it out with the people involved. I don't wait around and I never expect things to resolve themselves. I don't think my way is better necessarily but it is how I am.

Whip is more passive. He will let things slide and slide. He won't bring anything up. When we were discussing what we felt was social and what wasn't, what was intimacy for us, he mentioned that he felt me withdrawn around the time he asked to move in (many months ago). He's not wrong - I did. I was trying to figure out what I wanted, what I thought I 'should' do, what our relationship meant. At the time, I didn't want him to move in. I wasn't ready for that and I do not know if I ever would be. He's loud and I'm quiet. I don't know if I want to live with a partner again. I just don't know. And given that his ideal is to have lovers and partners all in a house, living together (not necessarily all involved) and that his ideal of intimacy is to be physically close most of the time, well, he experienced me not wanting that at this time to be withdrawal. And he's not wrong.

But he never told me this. Or discussed it beyond broad generalities. I know that he preferred the partners all in a house together model but I didn't know at the time that is how he experiences intimacy too. I wish he would have told me. It may not have changed anything but I would have liked to know. I don't know how to deal with someone who doesn't feel the need to bring up things that hurt or affect him, that just lets it go all the time. But still has those feelings and thoughts that are not shared, that are implicit. I need to be told stuff, I'm not great at intuiting what others are thinking or feeling.

*sigh*
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  #55  
Old 04-22-2014, 02:15 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I am thinking about either breaking up with Whip or seeing if we can lever down to something other than primaries. I'm not happy. I'm not getting my needs met. I need someone who can give me more attention and time than Whip can. I feel like I am constantly bugging him to spend time with me, to hang out, do things, talk with me. I don't have a sense of connection with him anymore. That's been true for a while. I don't know how to get that connection back. He hasn't done anything wrong really. He's just not who I need right now. I don't know if he ever will be. I want to be with someone who puts me - and us - first in the list of priorities. I've never had that really. Beaker also put her career first. I seem to be repeating at least that pattern with Whip. I know this is mostly me and my expectations and needs. Whip hasn't changed really. The NRE has wore off and he is focused on other things now. Our fabulous chemistry seems to have worn off as well. The sex has been ok lately. Not great. I want great again.

One of my wise friends suggests I tell someone all the things I haven't told Whip. That not saying things out loud has eroded our connection on my end. That's possible. I have always had doubts about this relationship, if it could be a partnership, a long term relationship. Whip doesn't listen to criticism. He gets all defensive and won't hear what is actually said. Even gently criticizing brings up defensiveness. There isn't any such thing as constructive criticism with him. So I don't talk to him about what I am feeling. I'm sad and hurt and feel rejected. Even though I am the one doing the rejecting too. He's entitled too. Feels the world owes him something. It's true it's been shitty getting a job, finding a career. It's not easy. I feel he resents the success I've had.I worked hard but I've also been lucky - a fact I acknowledge to just about anyone. But my success has nothing to do with him. He's bitter and it's really unattractive. He has reason to be, to some degree. But he doesn't help himself with blaming others for his inability to find a job he likes. People just don't keep him on. That's on him. I wish I knew why. But even if I knew why, he wouldn't be able to hear me tell why. He would think it's something else, not him. But part of it is him. Something is not helping him keep a job.

I feel like I am starving all the time with him lately. I feel so deprived of emotional sustenance. And I'm doing that to myself somehow. He hasn't changed. He is less interested, less attentive now. He withdrew in response to my withdrawal when I decided I didn't want him to move in. Understandable I suppose. I want to be fulfilled in a relationship. I'm not getting that.

I don't know if I should break up entirely or let go of any expectations and see what happens. I've never been patient and I hate ambiguity. I'm terrible at letting go. But it worked better when we were not dating, when we were not in a primary type relationship. Maybe try and return to fuckbuddies. I don't know if I am capable of that. I've never tried to de-escalate a relationship. I do love Whip. I think he loves me in his limited way. I don't know if he is capable of a deep love at this time. He's very self-involved - in ways I recognize because I was rather similar when I was that age.

I don't particularly want to be alone again. I prefer to be in a relationship. I like getting to know someone. But Whip acts like that is not important. He doesn't get to know someone the way I want to, through talking and spending time. He has to be doing something or be physically close. And that's not sufficient for me. I have not been able to translate that to something I can feel deeply. And I do think his feelings have changed. I used to be able to tell he loved me from how he touched me. I could literally feel it. That's gone. And it breaks my heart. He doesn't hold me like he used to, like I was important. Now it's rote and meaningless. I'd rather be alone than weeping over something that's dead.
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  #56  
Old 04-28-2014, 11:34 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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So I've decided not to do anything at all for now. This is very unlike me. I'm usually the one pushing for resolution. But I suspect that giving him and the relationship some space and quiet may show me which way I need to go. So I'm not bringing up things, I'm not pushing for time, I'm not talking about our relationship.

In other news, Tiny Dog has a growing collection of Star Wars toys. He has chewed Jabba the Hut up good and has now started on Tiny Yoda. I find this just hilarious. I think the next step will be a Tiny Darth Vader. Come to the dark side! We squeak! (And no worries, Tiny Cat is not neglected in the toy department.)
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  #57  
Old 05-05-2014, 09:57 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I went to a pagan camping thing this past weekend. I'm glad I went although I was so wiped from the work week that I was really unsure if I would have any energy to enjoy the event. But it worked out. Ran into quite a few people I knew so that was nice. I went by myself. I hung out with a possible interest and have some really good conversations.

I'm sad over Whip and was not in a place to want sex or romance so that did not happen. I'm ok it did not occur. I was not in a place to deal with that or want it. I can just feel my desire spiraling away from me.

I came home a bit early (tired of being damp and cold and all the damn drumming. Pagans love drums for some reason). Whip was kindly tending Tiny Dog and Tiny Cat. I got to see him a little bit.

There's nothing there anymore. It's all perfunctory. How he holds me, how he interacts. It's feels so much like he 'should' hug or curl up with me when we go to sleep rather than something he wants. He's entirely focused on developing his business and there is nothing left for me. Not time, or attention, or focus, or anything.

Unless something drastic changes soon, time to end this relationship.
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  #58  
Old 05-06-2014, 07:42 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Sending you love.
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  #59  
Old 05-06-2014, 08:04 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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The "Pagans love drums" comment made me giggle.

Sending you my best...
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, 2 kids (DanceGirl & PokéGirl), 2 cats, 1 house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly, divorced, 2 kids.
Xena, Curls: Two of Chops' other partners. In a triad together.
Choplet: Chops' son
Noa, CheeseGirl: Other folks in Chops' life, varying relationship levels

External blog || Local blog
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  #60  
Old 05-11-2014, 02:33 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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It's over with Whip officially. Been over awhile really. Sad. It was good for a while.
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