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  #21  
Old 08-26-2013, 03:00 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Crying

So something happened yesterday that has never happened to me before.

I cried during sex. And not just a few tears. Copious sobbing, loud keening. The kind of crying I do when grieving.

It's been a difficult week for no exact reason. Or too many reasons. I'm bored to tears with work and not sure what to do about it. Boredom is dangerous for me. I make bad decisions, out of apathy, out of boredom and frustration. I procrastinate like crazy. I fail to take care of myself in little ways like eating poorly. I don't sleep well. I obsess unhelpfully. I neglect good trends like exercising more or doing art. I want to move and feel unable to do so. I am feeling trapped in my life. I am cloudy on unsticking myself.

My cat is sick - the one who just appeared in my life. It is likely fatal. She behaves like a happy, regular cat, except she can't gain weight. I fear I have fallen in love with this cat only to lose her soon. Which is better than my little girl being outside, dying alone. You never know with rescues what may happen. You never know the behavioral issues, the medical issues, the issues with no known cause or reason. I think I have accepted that this lovely cat, perfect for me and tiny dog, may not be with us for long. I think. Maybe.

So I feel trapped in my life, with a sick cat I probably can't heal.

I hate crying. It shows weakness, lack of control. It shows people what is on the inside. I have hated it for as long as I consciously remember. I especially hate crying in front of others. The idea of a 'good cry' remains deeply stupid to me, although intellectually I sort of get it. But not really. I know where this story about crying - weakness, showing emotion - comes from. From my mom. Who loves me wholeheartedly, but is stoic, as was her mother, and her grandmother, and so on. They had to be, to survive. None of them had good childhoods. My mother's was so painful she doesn't remember it. She has remarkably few memories of growing up. I don't know if this is a deliberate or not forgetting. It doesn't really matter if it is deliberate or not. But my mother survived by not crying, or showing weakness. Especially by crying in front of others . My mom's mom, my grandmother, loved me and my mother, and my father. I know this without a doubt, as I know for sure that my mother loves me. This is a great gift to know without doubt that one is loved. But my grandmother grew up in an environment that did not encourage emotional sharing. My dad cries relatively easily. (I used to weep after seeing Hallmark movie ads, when they were on broadcast TV before they became a cable channel. This I get from my dad.) This has always been true but it has become more so as he ages. I'm not sure why.

I hate crying, don't want to do it ever. Yet I sobbed my heart out during sex. I don't understand. Maybe I was grieving the cat, and the stresses of being a fucking adult. Whip and I have not had sex for about a week and had had a BDSM scene for longer than that. I was wound up with lack of sex, stress, cat worries all week. So we scene (BDSM is about sex for us), I come, and then I sob and keen uncontrollably for many minutes immediately after that. Whip to his great credit did not make me feel weird about it. It doesn't seem to be a big thing for him, once he was sure I was ok. I did feel kinda better. Released anyway. But wound up differently now. Like I have to figure something out. Hence the posting.

My psyche makes me tired...
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  #22  
Old 08-26-2013, 03:03 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Oh fuck. Is this a perimenopause thing? I DO NOT APPROVE.
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  #23  
Old 08-26-2013, 11:40 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Funny to hear a woman admit to not liking to cry. I like a "good cry," especially if being held by a sympathetic partner. I am glad your bf was there for you. Sorry about your cat. Have you taken it to the vet?
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  #24  
Old 08-26-2013, 01:20 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I used to have a bodywork practice back in the 90s (a type of deep-tissue massage). Sometimes a client would sob deeply after having a session. It was simply a release of emotion. My fellow practitioners and I had a saying: "emotion is energy in motion." Oftentimes held-in feelings will just come out in response to touch.

Our bodies can hold on to energies and tensions long after the issue is over. It's funny, sometimes you can have this outpouring of a response, like weeping, and not have any feelings attached to it in the present, so it feels strange and disorienting because you are crying, wracking in sobs, and you are observing yourself doing it but don't really feel upset at the moment or don't have a clue what it's all about. Probably because it's old stuff or something you resolved mentally for the most part, but you just have a backlog of energy around it stored up in the body. So it feels good to let it all out.

I used to cry when Shorty fucked me, and it would always take me by surprise, but it was all the built-up emotions over my divorce spilling out.

Crying like that is not about weakness. Not at all.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-26-2013 at 01:22 PM.
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  #25  
Old 08-26-2013, 09:02 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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The cat may just have overactive thyroid. Very common in cats. Easily handled with meds heck science diet makes a rx food to treat thyroid issues.

Even if it is kidney I have known cats who live years and years with easy to administer treatment.

I am a licensed Vet Tech. I just don't work in my field due to child care issues.
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  #26  
Old 08-27-2013, 01:32 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Thanks all for the thoughts and kind words.

Tiny cat is tentatively diagnosed with feline infectious peritonitis. It's fatal and there is no treatments. Just to keep animal comfortable as possible. It's tough to diagnose definitely for a variety of reasons. I take her back to the vet soon to see if anything has changed in her bloodwork.
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  #27  
Old 08-27-2013, 01:36 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Also Whip is considering joining the military. I don't want him to for purely selfish reasons. I don't want him to go to war. And I don't want him to move far away from me. I can't do long distance relationships - tried that and won't do it again. And while I never thought we were forever, or even very long term, I am facing the end of this relationship. And I am really sad about this.
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  #28  
Old 08-28-2013, 08:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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It's going to be a stressful few days. Not in a bad way, lots going on, but stressful nevertheless.

My mom's birthday is soon so made arrangements for that. I take the cat back in for her vet appointment soon. There are a number of parties I could go to but am not sure I will have the energy and emotional centeredness to go and have fun at them.

Oh, and I am cleaning. Why am I cleaning? Because Beaker will be in town soon for a work meeting. We are meeting for dinner and then she is going to crash at my place before leaving again.

It will be good to see her. It's been a few years now. It will be weird too as this is the first time we've seen each other since she moved her stuff out of the house.

So lots going on. Starting to feel overwhelmed.
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  #29  
Old 10-15-2013, 08:12 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Been a while since I posted. Didn't realize that.

The dinner with Beaker went fine. I realized during it that I have truly moved on. I did not want to get back together. I haven't seen her since she got her stuff so I wondered. Happy to see her, happy she is happy in her new relationship and work. But no need to go there again.

Tiny Cat is doing really well. If she has feline infectious peritonitis, it's not affecting her. She eats like a miniature horse, plays and generally runs around happily. She has gained weight. She would be friends with my dog but Tiny Dog is not interested. She can be a bit klutzy - for a cat. (FIP can cause neurological issues.) But otherwise she seems really healthy. Maybe just being on the street was extremely bad for her. She's a cat that likes people. She spends most of her time around me if I'm home. She would sit on my lap more if Tiny Dog was less jealous of his lap time. She runs to the door when I come home (and then acts casual when I come in - she is still a cat.) I continue to monitor her but perhaps the diagnosis was incorrect. It is a difficult disease to definitely diagnose. So I am cautiously hopeful. She goes in for a check up soon.

Tiny Dog is jealous. He would definitely prefer I remain mono-pet. I am attempting to reassure him that he is still loved and cherished, and in no danger of being replaced or removed. I hope over time he will relax and not be as jealous. We will see.

In the meantime I've decided having a cat and dog is a lot like practicing poly. Managing time is important (have I played with the cat enough? have I walked the dog thoroughly?); jealousy is an issue and new pet energy (NPE) is a thing - at least for me! Learning the ways of le chat has been fascinating. (Did you know cats play most intensely when they are hungry?) But I have had to make sure I did not neglect my primary canine.
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  #30  
Old 10-15-2013, 09:16 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Things with Whip are going well overall. But I find myself struggling with envy and jealousy. In the past, I rarely experience jealousy or envy so this has been hard and I am finding it difficult to deal with. I find myself fearful of loss. There is some rational basis for that fear. I struggle to think of this relationship as long term although that is shifting for me. And that shift increases the stakes for me internally. We have acknowledged to each other that if he moves away for work then we will break up. Neither of us wants to do long distance. As long as I thought of this as a FWB or a lighthearted, noncommittal romance, fear did not come up. But now that it has evolved into something more serious, I am struggling to manage fears, insecurity. And they get expressed as envy and jealousy.

I'm envious of the attention Whip gets from others. He doesn't lack for partners. I would like to get more attention too. Part of it is that I meet relatively few people I can be interested in. The portion who return that interest is even smaller. He has a broader spectrum of people he is compatible with.

He is also more social than I am. I don't want to go to all the parties he wants to, and that is fine with him. He takes other partners or goes by himself. And I don't mind that. But he had fallen into a pattern of assuming I would not go to parties. I do like parties, just not all the time. I prefer smaller parties but enjoy a large party once in a while. I told him that I did not want to be the partner he sees only during the week. I did not want to be the domestic, 'boring' partner. (He did not act this way - entirely my projection.) He also has a related pattern of picking parties over doing something with me. It hasn't come up much but if there has been a choice between a party and doing something with me, he usually picks the party. It's not that I want him to spend all his free time with me. But I did feel less valued, less wanted. I know he did not mean this. I brought it up to him. He's been very open to hearing my frustrations. We are now planning out our party schedule so we go to the parties we both want to. I think this will help.

But it doesn't address my insecurities which are the real problem. Finding other partners has not been a priority for me. And I certainly don't believe that finding another partner for myself will solve anything internally for me. I just don't feel attractive right now. I would like more attention and I am not getting it. I'm not getting it in part because I don't feel attractive.

Ugh. So frustrated at myself.
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