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  #1  
Old 11-24-2017, 01:13 AM
keoryst keoryst is offline
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Default Me and the twins

Honestly, I'm not sure if I am truly polyamorous or if I just happened to meet two men that I would love who would also both love me. I'm not sure if it actually would've worked at all without the love they had for each other--as identical twins (Let's call them M & B), they functioned in so many ways like a married couple. For them, it was "our life, our time, our money, our things." I early on asked them, "What am I supposed to do? You're so close! Am I supposed to date you as a couple?" We all laughed at the time, but yeah, that question came back to haunt me.

So did the words I had often told my best friend, who has been openly polyamorous for all the years I have know her. She would talk to me about her relationships and their challenges. I did my best to listen, but I usually ended up putting a hand on her shoulder at the end and saying, "I love you, I accept you, but I think you're crazy." Ok, in my defense, I always got her to laugh with those lines, which was my main reason for saying them, but yeah--I really thought the whole thing was crazy. And then I'm calling her up on the phone early in my relationship with M & B, panicking and yelling, "Help me! What am I doing? How did I end up like this?!" I knew all her partners and she had a good time grabbing them and saying, "You'll never believe it. K is dating twins."

There's a lot more to our story, so much good and beautiful, but I'll spoil it right now--I am currently single on purpose, for an awful reason. M came down with an aggressive form of cancer shortly after his 30th birthday. We lost him within 9 months. In the early morning hours at the hospital, as I sat at his bedside and laid my head beside him on the pillow, talking with him until he could sleep again, he told me over and over that I had brought him the happiest time of his life. I would go through everything again for those moments.

Unfortunately, things slowly went off between B and I after M's death, and we are no longer together. We are still dear to each other--I love him and know that I am loved in return--and I spend the weekend with him, his girlfriend and their roommate about once a month. I am a never say never woman, but I cannot imagine being romantically involved with him again. Things have just changed.

I thought people said stupid, demeaning, judgemental things when we were together, crazy in love, and eager to share that with others, but when M was sick! And after he died! It's been awful. So many have acted like I had no right to mourn. I am not over what has happened. It's been nearly four years now since he died, and I still find I can't imagine dating again, loving again. I did try a casual relationship with a friend for a brief while, but it was painful and pitiful and I just had to go.

To top it all up, I'll go back to what I was saying at the beginning. I still don't know if I am polyamorous, or if it was just a unique situation. I just know I feel like a giant mess that I wouldn't wish on anyone romantically right now.

Thanks for the space and time.
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  #2  
Old 11-28-2017, 09:32 PM
keoryst keoryst is offline
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I wan't holding myself back, seriously, for all that time I was single--both my romantic and sexual urges went off and hid for a long time. I felt ok just letting that be.

But now, I find myself at least thinking about relationships from time to time. I wonder about joining online dating, then panic. I find myself thinking about heading out on the weekend, then panic. But I am starting to have those romantic and sexual urges again. So it seems it might happen soon.

Still, there is so much I want to figure out. I need to make sure I've finished mourning, which means a place that I can talk more freely about M & B & me, the good and the bad. I also need to know myself better, including my sexuality. I'm pretty sure I don't truly understand that part of myself, or if I do, I haven't been able to claim my truths.

I mentioned before that I'm not sure whether I am polyamorous or was simply in a polyamorous relationship. Ok, yeah, that right there proves I am quite capable of it, but is it inherent in me, something that I want to claim and pursue in my future relationships? I'm confused.
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  #3  
Old 11-30-2017, 12:40 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi keoryst,

What about the idea of just being open to whatever the future brings, whether it's monogamous or polyamorous? Maybe you can be either. Whatever the case, I'm so sorry you lost M (and B), and I'm extra sorry about the way people treated you. You definitely have a right to mourn.

I hope you'll have more happiness in your future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 11-30-2017, 01:41 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Welcome to the board, keoryst. Did you know you posted in the blog section? This area is for journaling. Feedback has to be invited. Even if you do, you won't get as much response as in the Poly Relationships section.

You can have this moved by a mod by pressing the ! in the upper right corner of your post. Or you can start a new thread in Relationships. Or just continue to blog.

I am very sorry for your loss, and your current strong grief, after 4 years have gone by.

Would you mind doing as we suggest in the Rules, and pick nicknames for your partners? You'll get more interest if you don't just use initials. They can be hard to remember.

As a final word, have you had grief counseling?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Seeing Rick and Glori (MF partnered, both 33 and poly) since September 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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  #5  
Old 11-30-2017, 06:57 PM
keoryst keoryst is offline
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Thank you for the advice and concern. I am in counseling. Also, I apologize if I broke any rules. I am reviewing them again.

And truthfully, I realize when I find love again, it will come as it comes and I will be glad to have it. I suppose my self questioning is more about how I want to structure my dating life when I start it up again, which will probably not be too far off.

Thanks again :-)

Last edited by keoryst; 11-30-2017 at 07:01 PM.
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  #6  
Old 11-30-2017, 08:40 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I don't think you've broken any rules.
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  #7  
Old 12-08-2017, 01:52 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I don't think you've broken any rules.
Yeah, you didn't break a rule. I just wondered if you wanted feedback and advice, or just wanted to vent and sort of think things over as you wrote.

Some people, like Kevin, respond on blog posts, but most members won't unless invited.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Seeing Rick and Glori (MF partnered, both 33 and poly) since September 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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