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Old 06-19-2016, 04:55 PM
Amarna Amarna is offline
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Default Adventures of Amarna

This all seems like one big, new adventure to me, hence the title. Mainly I think this will be a good way to process my feelings and thoughts as the evolve in this new chapter of my life.

I guess I'll start with a little about myself and my relationship(s). I've been married to my husband--let's call him Mechanic, as he loves to fix things--for nearly 10 years now, together 11 total. We have two children together, girls ages 9 and 3 whom we home school.

I'm currently unemployed and Mechanic works part time, we are both looking for full time work and whoever finds it first will be the main breadwinner so to speak while the other primarily stays home with the kids. We both hope that he finds work as I would greatly enjoy being a stay at home, homeschooling mom but for practicality's sake I'm also willing to work if that's what's best for the family.

We recently decided to open our relationship after lots of discussion. I brought the topic up to my husband after months of reading about polyamory and soul searching. I was raised in a very Christian home and until a couple years ago when I made a friend who is herself poly I had never so much as considered it or even knew about it as an alternative to the typical.

Mechanic and I married very young and he is really the only long term relationship or real relationship that I've had. I want to connect with other people and explore deep and yes, romantic, relationships with other people and feel that it's important to my personal growth to pursue that at this point in my life. Mechanic was open to the idea for himself but struggled (and still does at times) with the idea of me having a relationship with someone outside of himself. He's done a lot of inner self work in the past few weeks and has sought help from others that he trusts to talk things over with. He's come to understand that I do still very much love him but need to experience different relationships at this point in my life.

He's gone on one date with a lady so far but has decided to forgo further dating for the moment until he gets a better idea of where he stands and what he wants from a relationship at this time.

More on me to come in another post that seems better suited to standing on it's own.
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Old 06-19-2016, 05:16 PM
Amarna Amarna is offline
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Mechanic and I had decided to put everything on hold for awhile with poly while he sorted out his feelings but after a few days he told me that he felt he was in a better place with the idea and I decided to start putting myself out there.

I messaged a nice guy--let's call him Gamer--on OKC for about a week and we then exchanged phone numbers and decided to meet. Mechanic says that after that first date I came home floating, lol. It did go really well and we've continued to chat nearly every day since and have gone out once more with another date scheduled tomorrow that I am so looking forward to. We've got an uncanny amount of stuff in common and I'm excited to see where things go.

Since I can only share with so many people right now and they all seem to have other things going on that are big deals and the focus of our conversations for the moment I want to write down what happened on date two here so I can gush a bit without oversharing with Mechanic and making him uncomfortable.

On each of my dates with Gamer we've gone to restaurants and then for long walks in the park as it's an activity we both love. On our second date he was just the cutest. He remarked (rather disappointed it seemed) at the lack of benches and when we found one and sat he asked very nervously with hands shaking (we're both shy people and he even more than me it seems, which is really new to me, lol) if he could hold my hand, I said of course and we just kind of sat there holding hands, eventually with his arm around me, my head on his shoulder for some time. We then continued walking, still holding hands and stopped to watch some fireflies and cuddle some more. We held hands all the way back to the cars. <3

I'm hoping to actually kiss tomorrow but don't want to push him either, I'm okay with taking things slow if necessary. Gamer is married as well and in a poly relationship. His wife has a girlfriend but he has never seen anyone outside of their marriage, apparently I'm the first person he's gone on multiple dates with since they opened up.

I feel like a teenager right now gushing so much, haha. Can you tell I don't have a lot of dating experience? I feel like it's painfully obvious.

Mechanic is doing very well with me going out so far. He's voiced some insecurities but makes sure that I know it's nothing I'm doing and that he's okay with things as they are, just needs extra reassurance which I do make sure to give him. I honestly can say that I haven't been this happy in years.

A few days ago I wanted to do something extra special just for Mechanic and with me not working right now we don't have a lot of spare money so I had to get creative. So I spent about an hour choosing the perfect romantic but not cheesy songs to put on a playlist and when he came home from work (the kids were in bed at this point.) I told him to pour himself a drink and wait on the couch with eyes closed. I put on one of my sexiest dresses, heels (which I never ever wear because they're painful torture devices) and the necklace I wore on our wedding day and turned down the lights, lit some candles and incense and asked him to dance. It was the most romantic we've been in a long time and I'm so glad that I decided to do that for him, he's mentioned how special that night was several times since.

Last edited by Amarna; 06-19-2016 at 05:29 PM.
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Old 06-24-2016, 05:20 PM
Amarna Amarna is offline
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I'm so excited for tonight! Gamer and I are going to go stargazing at a park, I can't wait for the alone time with him. (We did kiss on our last date BTW and it was great, I felt like a teenager again making out in the park, lol) Mechanic seems to finally be in a really good place with all of this, despite having a crummy date himself recently and is being really encouraging, which is just great.

In other news Mechanic and I went to a presentation on tarot reading yesterday with the pagan group I run. I learned so much! I've been trying to learn to read cards for awhile now and have always struggled with interpreting them but the presenters were so kind, patient and gave me lots of tips that I think will be immensely helpful. It was so nice to be reassured that it can take lots of time to get familiar with your deck and to understand all of the meanings that can be layered within a single card.

The kids will be going to Ohio to spend time with grandparents for 6 days next week starting on Thursday. I'll miss them for sure but am also looking forward to being able to hang out with people more. So far Mechanic and I are planning dinner and a spontaneous adventure on the way back from dropping off the kids and I have a girls night planned with a friend of mine at my favorite restaurant, I also hope to see Gamer a couple times and at least one more date night with Mechanic, hopefully I can go to the fireworks with one or the other for the 4th of July, depends on who has work when.
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Old 07-16-2016, 07:11 PM
Amarna Amarna is offline
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I'm still very happy from my date with Gamer last night and he actually started talking about things we'll be doing together months and even years from now, it was so nice to know that we're in a similar place with what we want from each other, but it'll be two weeks before our next date while he supports his wife through a surgery she's getting. I understand but will miss him. He made sure to make it clear that I'll still be hearing from him everyday though so at least there's that.

Mechanic is doing a little better but still rather up and down. I'm just kind of taking a back seat and making sure I'm there to support him but largely encouraging him to work through his own stuff with help from a therapist. He's started dating someone and seems to like her a lot, it's given him a bit more confidence. He's still rather clingy and I've rarely seen him happy unless he had my undivided attention, which is hard with kids. We've made sure to take regular date nights of our own when we've had a sitter available but he still seems unsatisfied with that.

I've started a new part time job working for a museum. (Yay!) I love the work and it's a great way to get my foot in the door, I've always wanted to work in museums and want to get my museum studies degree at some point in the future.

In other news I'm planning a trip to visit my parents in a couple of weeks with the kids. Mechanic will likely be working so he will stay here. I'm looking forward to it. I miss my family and also feel like I need the space from Mechanic to kind of focus on other things. He's been so up and down lately and so so clingy that I just feel like I could really use that space.
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Old 07-25-2016, 06:46 PM
Amarna Amarna is offline
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Figured I'd update a bit, it's been awhile. I'm leaving to visit my parents tomorrow until the weekend. Hopefully we'll have lots of fun. So far I have plans to sit in on a kickboxing class my sister teaches, swimming at the lake with my family and dinner or lunch with my longest friend (we've literally been friends since Kindergarten).

Mechanic and I are still having some struggles but I think things'll be okay. He's having a hard time understanding our new dynamic and struggles with me wanting more independence. He's still seeing the new lady and plans to have her over one day while we're gone. I'm glad he's found someone else that makes him happy.

Haven't seen Gamer in awhile but we have been talking and messaging randomly every day. I feel like we've gotten to know each other very well despite the distance through the conversations we've had, which just don't take place to the same level when we're in physical proximity,because of a preoccupation with physical closeness, lol. I wasn't expecting to like him this much or this quickly if I"m honest, it's kind of thrown me for a loop.
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Old 08-03-2016, 02:34 AM
Amarna Amarna is offline
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So...I have a date with someone else I met on OKC on Friday. We've been talking for 5 weeks now and seem to get along well online and through text at least. I'm excited/nervous but mostly excited. This guy identifies as solo poly and is a couple years younger than me, he seems to have a great sense of humor.

I haven't been able to go out with Gamer for awhile while he helps his wife recover from her surgery and it's likely to be at least another week or two still. We still talk every day and have said how much we miss each other. It's the right thing to do in this situation though and I support him fully taking the time he needs for his home life. We've had some great conversations though and gotten to know each other a lot more. He's one of the easiest people to talk to that I've ever held a conversation with. I still have moments of insecurity though where I worry that he's not really all that interested, especially with the time apart. But I remind myself that he wouldn't bother to contact me every day and wouldn't be interested in the things going on in my life if that were the case. It's the one thing I'm still trying to work through a bit: personal insecurity. I have trouble sometimes seeing myself as someone people would actually want to be in a relationship with.

I was a bit nervous to mention going on a date on Friday with someone new to both Gamer and Mechanic. Gamer was super supportive and seems genuinely happy with it. I was so glad that he was okay with that. I feel like we ended that conversation in a really good place.

Mechanic on the other hand was quite different as far as reactions go. He still doesn't seem to trust that I'm not going to leave him, and especially with the prospect of another person to date, he was acting really strange initially, it was like he hadn't been listening to anything I'd been saying for weeks. He said things like I was just looking to "have fun", implied I was just wanting to sleep around and that I wasn't taking my relationship with Gamer seriously enough...

Things are a bit better now, he seems to have gotten over that particular hurdle and says he's fine with it now but I still feel like he's got a lot of work to do to conquer his insecurities. I think he maybe got comfortable these past few weeks with me not going out and now that I am again it's triggered things.
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Old 08-05-2016, 04:55 PM
Amarna Amarna is offline
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Went out with Mechanic on a date last night. We managed to find a sitter so took advantage, lol. We went to my favorite restaurant in the area and had a great time. Lots of quality conversation.

Going out tonight on that first date with someone new. I'm incredibly excited/nervous. We talked a bit this morning through texting and he seems pretty excited as well.

Just wanted to share that little bit of information, lol. With both Mechanic and Gamer working there's only so many people I can share these things with.
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Old 08-05-2016, 06:22 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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Hi, Amarna, and a belated welcome to the forum!

I've just discovered this thread and have been enjoying reading your adventures. You seem to have struck it lucky*! But, as you've discovered, things don't work out 100% problem-free. Mechanic is having a struggle to adjust to the new dynamic, and even you have your doubts:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amarna View Post
I still have moments of insecurity though where I worry that [Gamer]'s not really all that interested, especially with the time apart. But I remind myself that he wouldn't bother to contact me every day and wouldn't be interested in the things going on in my life if that were the case.
You answered that one yourself. I read a short story where a young woman gave some good advice to her grandmother:

"Let's not borrow worries from tomorrow for today."

Nobody can guarantee "happy forever after", but it's no time now for you to be worrying about Gamer's POSSIBLE lack of interest.

Have you heard about NRE? New relationship energy. It can lead to neglecting everything else in your life because you're over the moon about the new love in your life. It CAN do, but in your case - and in Gamer's - you seem to be dealing with it very well. You're putting energy into reassuring Mechanic that you love him. (That romantic surprise with the music and incense hit just the right spot. And the going on special dates with him.) Just continue to make sure that he knows that he is ALSO a "new" love in your life: that he is just as special as Gamer. (Probably even more so. I mean if poly didn't exist and you HAD to choose between them, I'd bet that you'd choose Mechanic, no? We're just lucky that poly does exist.)

Frankly, if Gamer was spending a WHOLE lot of time with you now, I'd be worried. It would mean that his NRE was muddying up his perspectives, causing him to neglect his wife who, after the surgery, needs special attention and love now. You should be really happy to have found someone who doesn't run out on his responsibilities just because he's found someone new.

Honestly: it bodes well for YOUR relationship with him that he's taking this pause from physical contact. It means that he'll be someone that YOU can count on, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amarna View Post
It's the one thing I'm still trying to work through a bit: personal insecurity. I have trouble sometimes seeing myself as someone people would actually want to be in a relationship with.
I shouldn't belittle your feelings, but really, you're just being silly here! (Insecurity usually IS just silliness, even though it can destroy lives.) You sound like a wonderful person, so - unless you're a really excellent liar - I'm sure that Mechanic and Gamer both feel VERY lucky to have you in their lives.

* That smiley was totally serendipitous! I typed a colon : Then added a bit and erased some stuff. That colon was the one that should have gone after "doubts". It was only when I clicked on "preview comment" that I realise that I'd accidentally not erased everything and had (again, accidentally) left a : next to a ), so that a resulted. Sometimes accidents are wonderful!

Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 08-05-2016 at 07:22 PM. Reason: spelling correction; tightening up detail of a possible confusion
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Old 08-05-2016, 07:05 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
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How's your Spanish? Are you aware that the first part of your name, amar, means "to love"?

I'd like to share a bit of song lyric with you. It's from Luis Eduardo Aute's song "Albanta":

y amar es la flor
más perfecta que crece en tu jardín

Now, if he'd written
"y amor es la flor
más perfecta que crece en tu jardín"
with an o in the 2nd word, it would mean "and Love is the...".

But he wrote "amar", with 2 a's, so the whole thing means:
"and to love is the most perfect flower that grows in your garden."

(I've been searching for a video of this song to link to, but all I can find are concert or radio versions, where Aute changes the lyrics completely. The lyrics I've linked to [including the snippet I've translated] are those of the studio album version.)
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Old 08-07-2016, 01:04 AM
Amarna Amarna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
Hi, Amarna, and a belated welcome to the forum!

I've just discovered this thread and have been enjoying reading your adventures. You seem to have struck it lucky*! But, as you've discovered, things don't work out 100% problem-free. Mechanic is having a struggle to adjust to the new dynamic, and even you have your doubts:You answered that one yourself. I read a short story where a young woman gave some good advice to her grandmother:

"Let's not borrow worries from tomorrow for today."

Nobody can guarantee "happy forever after", but it's no time now for you to be worrying about Gamer's POSSIBLE lack of interest.

Have you heard about NRE? New relationship energy. It can lead to neglecting everything else in your life because you're over the moon about the new love in your life. It CAN do, but in your case - and in Gamer's - you seem to be dealing with it very well. You're putting energy into reassuring Mechanic that you love him. (That romantic surprise with the music and incense hit just the right spot. And the going on special dates with him.) Just continue to make sure that he knows that he is ALSO a "new" love in your life: that he is just as special as Gamer. (Probably even more so. I mean if poly didn't exist and you HAD to choose between them, I'd bet that you'd choose Mechanic, no? We're just lucky that poly does exist.)

Frankly, if Gamer was spending a WHOLE lot of time with you now, I'd be worried. It would mean that his NRE was muddying up his perspectives, causing him to neglect his wife who, after the surgery, needs special attention and love now. You should be really happy to have found someone who doesn't run out on his responsibilities just because he's found someone new.

Honestly: it bodes well for YOUR relationship with him that he's taking this pause from physical contact. It means that he'll be someone that YOU can count on, too.I shouldn't belittle your feelings, but really, you're just being silly here! (Insecurity usually IS just silliness, even though it can destroy lives.) You sound like a wonderful person, so - unless you're a really excellent liar - I'm sure that Mechanic and Gamer both feel VERY lucky to have you in their lives.

* That smiley was totally serendipitous! I typed a colon : Then added a bit and erased some stuff. That colon was the one that should have gone after "doubts". It was only when I clicked on "preview comment" that I realise that I'd accidentally not erased everything and had (again, accidentally) left a : next to a ), so that a resulted. Sometimes accidents are wonderful!


Thank you for all the kind words! I'm so good at worrying I should make it a career, lol, I've found myself worrying about how much I worry before. Something I need to self improve on still I think.

You're absolutely right about the NRE and it's been something that I've tried to be very conscious of, I don't want to get swept away and neglect my relationship with Mechanic. Everything you've said I've said to myself a million times over and yet there's still those insecurities that sit in the back of my mind, I have a habit of over thinking and second guessing myself and it can be hard to shut those little voices out sometimes. I actually have a friend that does reiki and she worked on me some a few weeks ago, the first thing she said to me afterwards was "You're mind just doesn't stop! You're constantly talking to yourself!" I have trouble finding that off button, lol.

I did talk with Gamer a bit about the lack of physical time early last week. We admitted that we miss each other and he apologized for being so unavailable, for which I promptly told him that no apology was necessary. Part of the reason I like him is, as you said, he's got his priorities in the right place and is super good at being there when needed. He's responsible. I made sure to tell him that, I don't want for him to feel like he owes me an apology for doing what's right.
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