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  #11  
Old 06-12-2013, 12:39 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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I said nothing about getting feedback, feedback is good & it's why I'm here. I'm not into mean-spirited criticism...totally different animal than feedback!

He wasn't hiding anything. We were texting a lot & talking when she was asleep or he was driving but he wasn't hiding it, wasn't necessarily rubbing her face in it though either. He works from home, spends more time at home since he's not commuting to work, then he comes in for lunch, helps a lot with the kid, etc. I get very very little of his time compared to what she gets.

Good question as to why I'm with a married man, he was looking for a GF with his wife's permission (apparently that theory vs reality is not the same thing at all) & I was looking for a relationship that wouldn't get too serious. in early 2012 I got dumped with 2 very little kids (including a newborn) and am not really ready for a full on relationship until I work out some more stuff (which is why a married man is appealing..with his spouses permission...otherwise married men are off-limits in my book). The last guy I dated got way too attached & brought up love way too quickly even though we were supposed to be like FWBs. Anyway with current guy we just really hit it off as friends, we have loads in common & then realized there was this insane sexual chemistry. I met his wife & was very honest with her about not wanting to take him away from her, the difficult time I've had & tried to let her know I'm a decent person. She's feeling insecure though, which I tried to warn him of when everything was just theoretical...he poo-pooed my concerns, not because he's dishonest but maybe wishful thinking...plus the whole theory vs reality thing.
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  #12  
Old 06-12-2013, 01:29 AM
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I travel a lot for my work. When I am home, I have morning coffee with my wife before I go to work, which really is just spending 10 to 15 minutes together where we slow down, center ourselves and connect. When I am on the road, we do it over the telephone. It's our morning ritual. Not quite the same thing, but it does seem to help us stay connected.
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  #13  
Old 06-12-2013, 04:55 AM
london london is offline
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The problem is when you perceive someones objective feedback as mean spirited criticism. Is that your fault or theirs?

If you wanted a relationship that didn't get to serious and you were forthcoming about that, don't you think this recent behaviour makes you look like you do? And that would meant you lied about your intentions or wasn't forthcoming when that changed.
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  #14  
Old 06-12-2013, 09:49 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Thanks Marcus. Very helpful & very sweet.

I discussed my feelings with him b/c I think that's important but I also let him know that I understand the situation. One thing we have is total honesty which I've never quite experienced to this level before.
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  #15  
Old 06-12-2013, 09:56 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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London, We cannot predict what our true feelings are going to be, now can we? I didn't lie at all, neither did he & neither did his wife. I think that accusing me of lying is a little extreme. His wife was ok with his having a GF in theory but in practice it's a little different. He & I didn't expect to have such intense feelings for each other, but how on earth could we have predicted this would happen? We were both forthcoming when it changed so there.

We are all talking and trying to make this work for everyone. We just hit a little bump in the road & are continuing on with a few lessons learned.

The last guy I was involved with told me he loved me after a month even though we were just supposed to be FWBs. I don't think he lied, I think his feelings changed....then again our respective definitions of love didn't match up as his involved possession & jealousy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If you wanted a relationship that didn't get to serious and you were forthcoming about that, don't you think this recent behaviour makes you look like you do? And that would meant you lied about your intentions or wasn't forthcoming when that changed.
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Last edited by Hetaera; 06-12-2013 at 10:12 AM.
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  #16  
Old 06-12-2013, 10:51 AM
london london is offline
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I'm thinking from the wives point of view. Initially, you weren't looking for anything serious, you reassure her that you're not, and then you require this level of support. That, in my opinion, wouldn't promote security.
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  #17  
Old 06-12-2013, 01:29 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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London....I can't tell of you are willfully misconstruing what I say or if you got burned in the past & are interjecting your own issues into mine. I haven't made any demands. I have every right to express my feeIings * just because I couldn't predict my feelings doesn't make me liar. I believe I said before that I never intended to have such intense feelings for him. I am a human being & I feel how i feel. Regardless of what we feel he loves his wife as much if not more than before & I won't get in the way of that even if I have to give up our physical relationship.
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  #18  
Old 06-12-2013, 01:33 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Everything is fine..just a bump in the road.
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  #19  
Old 06-12-2013, 01:54 PM
london london is offline
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I never said you demanded anything either, I said that you require a level of support from him which is in contention with a relationship that isn't serious. When you look at someone elses point of view, you don't rationalise the behaviour of the other person. If she came in here complaining about any of this, I'd say that there is no way for someone to predict their feelings unless rigid boundaries putting a crinkling on the emotional attachment between twerp people are enforced. It's you that posted though, so I am suggesting why the wife might be twitched. Things have changed drastically since you initially stated your intentions. If you went in saying that you are unable to predict how you'd feel about him in x amount if time, it wouldn't be relevant. You didn't. You said you don't want anything serious. You put the ceiling there and then broke through it. Albeit ethically and consensually.

Last edited by london; 06-12-2013 at 01:55 PM. Reason: typos
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  #20  
Old 06-13-2013, 10:14 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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I've been thinking a lot about this. Part of it is NRE, I got carried away with it (even though I've rarely had NRE quite like this). I apologized for not maintaining better boundries but then again, feelings are feelings. I am being very careful to not put demands on his time. And the reality is that I really like his wife & would like to be friends with her if that's possible.

Anyway, the whole point of me not getting serious with someone was to avoid "losing" myself in a relationship, so I can continue to work on my issues from a long & unhappy marriage...which I am still doing. I need to keep that goal in mind & fill my life with more things than just my married lover or any one thing.

I appreciate all of the feedback & when I hear something I don't like, I'm really thinking about it instead of brushing it off.
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