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Old 06-11-2013, 02:17 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Default Feeling conflicted/lonely

So my BF has been away visiting with his wife's family & there's been very limited communication (including a missed visit or two) all combined with a touch of drama. First of all, the limited communication (mostly unavoidable) feels like a painful reminder that I am in a distant second in his life, not that it's his choice per se, but it's the reality of the situation. Also important, I'm also utterly & completely exhausted from dealing with a teething toddler the past few nites & I'm a single Mom. Everything seem 100x worse when I'm sleep-deprived. I hate feeling like this & wish I could talk myself out of it. Then this past weeks his wife expressed that she was upset b/c he wasn't talking about me & that raised her suspicions that something was wrong, like that he likes me more than her. He totally loves her. Although she expressed that she's ok with him continuing to see me. I have met her too & we talked very candidly.

So I've a barely talked to him this week & am feeling awful/disconnected b/c of it. He won't even send a quick text in response to mine. WTF? I know he's busy almost every second but really. A little background...our relationship is relatively new, plus he lives 1.5 hrs away & has a very busy life (family, business, farm, etc). I have a busy life as well & have other people in the my life, although not nearly as much as I want. I'm starting a friendship/relationship with a new person (female) & an old love (male) is coming back into my life. I know that this isn't all about not hearing from him but it's a big part of it.

I'm not interested in hearing from those tough love folks who are honest & experienced but seem to lack compassion...I hope you know who you are. Honesty without compassion & empathy isn't helpful at all. Save your advice for yourself or someone else please!
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Old 06-11-2013, 02:32 PM
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Sleep deprivation may be your biggest enemy here, as I get completely crazy-face when I'm sleep deprived. Every issue is magnified a thousandfold.

Nap during the day when your toddler does (if your toddler does). When your toddler is playing, lay on the floor or couch next to them and grab a wink. I remember having to do that in order to just be human. Re-evaluate once you feel like you're not going to randomly chuck things across the room because you've been set off.

It sucks hard, but the good thing about sleep deprivation is that, once you DO sleep, it's fixed. Hang in there!
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Old 06-11-2013, 03:00 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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I'm not interested in hearing from those tough love folks who are honest & experienced but seem to lack compassion...I hope you know who you are. Honesty without compassion & empathy isn't helpful at all. Save your advice for yourself or someone else please!
I'm not one of those "tough love folks" (whatever that means), but I think this is a bizarre statement. I've seen similar things on a few other threads lately as well. Honestly, you are coming to a public internet forum to share your personal relationship experiences. Do you really think you can (or should) police who reads what you write and wants to respond? Also, honesty and compassion are concepts people may define differently. Some people may think their honesty is compassionate while you don't find it to be.

Just treat those responses like a spam e-mail message. Mentally delete and move on.
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Old 06-11-2013, 03:17 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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I'm not one of those "tough love folks" (whatever that means), but I think this is a bizarre statement. I've seen similar things on a few other threads lately as well. Honestly, you are coming to a public internet forum to share your personal relationship experiences. Do you really think you can (or should) police who reads what you write and wants to respond? Also, honesty and compassion are concepts people may define differently. Some people may think their honesty is compassionate while you don't find it to be.

Just treat those responses like a spam e-mail message. Mentally delete and move on.
Chimera- I understand your point, but when someone is in a tough spot & someone else needlessly chimes in with their own baggage, starts name-calling, and interjects other negativity, it's unproductive. One could say that this public forum is for helping others in a safe environment where we will not be judged or criticized right? What is some troller gets on here & starts telling us we're a bunchy of immoral sickos? Yeah against the rules, but where do you draw the line? In regard to the people who criticize I'm not even referring to myself, I see it in other posts, I don't like & have every right to say something about it. Perhaps if others on commenting on it too, it's a genuine problem & needs to be commented on more.
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Old 06-11-2013, 03:30 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Yes, thank you! It will all be ok. Just need to sleep. My boys will be going away for 4 nights & I will sleep sleep sleep


Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Sleep deprivation may be your biggest enemy here, as I get completely crazy-face when I'm sleep deprived. Every issue is magnified a thousandfold.

Nap during the day when your toddler does (if your toddler does). When your toddler is playing, lay on the floor or couch next to them and grab a wink. I remember having to do that in order to just be human. Re-evaluate once you feel like you're not going to randomly chuck things across the room because you've been set off.

It sucks hard, but the good thing about sleep deprivation is that, once you DO sleep, it's fixed. Hang in there!
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  #6  
Old 06-11-2013, 03:50 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Chimera- I understand your point, but when someone is in a tough spot & someone else needlessly chimes in with their own baggage, starts name-calling, and interjects other negativity, it's unproductive. One could say that this public forum is for helping others in a safe environment where we will not be judged or criticized right? What is some troller gets on here & starts telling us we're a bunchy of immoral sickos? Yeah against the rules, but where do you draw the line? In regard to the people who criticize I'm not even referring to myself, I see it in other posts, I don't like & have every right to say something about it. Perhaps if others on commenting on it too, it's a genuine problem & needs to be commented on more.
Hetaera, I think my comment is also something to reflect on in terms of your situation. There are things in life we can control and others we can't. So in terms of the forum, abusive trolls get banned by moderators. Other people we simply cannot control and we need to work around. I usually hate cheezy new-agey metaphors, but I think the one about water moving around immobile rocks is key sometimes. The trick is to decide when to be like water, and when to confront. I think you posting a positive comment to someone's query while pointing out others' negativity is fine. Just don't expect to change the way others communicate. It's not in your control.

In terms of your BF, you can't make him answer. I've been there, I expect most of us have. Try to be like water until you are with him and can explain how you feel and try to come to some workable place for both of you (e.g. I'd like you to text me back 1xday or whatever). You can't know what life is like for him at this moment and all it's doing is making you sad. This will happen again. It's hard not to hang on for those moments of communication because they make us feel valued, but it can mean we feel worse if we don't get them.
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Old 06-11-2013, 03:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
So my BF has been away visiting with his wife's family & there's been very limited communication (including a missed visit or two) all combined with a touch of drama. First of all, the limited communication (mostly unavoidable) feels like a painful reminder that I am in a distant second in his life, not that it's his choice per se, but it's the reality of the situation.
Or, he might just be extremely busy. Maybe even so busy, he hasnt had time to charge his phone.

My gf goes away for a week every year to counsel at a camp for kids with a disability, and she gets just that busy. It's no reflection on our relationship, it's just that her job is basically 24/7, and I respect that.

But I am sorry you're missing him.

Quote:
Also important, I'm also utterly & completely exhausted from dealing with a teething toddler the past few nites & I'm a single Mom. Everything seem 100x worse when I'm sleep-deprived. I hate feeling like this & wish I could talk myself out of it.
As a mom of 3, all of whom teethed terribly, especially my middle one, you have my full sympathy! It's just fucking inhuman, to deal with that. I hope you can grab a nap somehow. Or just lie down with your feet up for 20 mins if nothing else.

Quote:
Then this past weeks his wife expressed that she was upset b/c he wasn't talking about me & that raised her suspicions that something was wrong, like that he likes me more than her.
Because he was NOT talking about you, she got jealous? Um, what? Wifey does have the green eyed monster bad. How does bf deal with this?

Quote:
I have a busy life as well & have other people in the my life, although not nearly as much as I want. I'm starting a friendship/relationship with a new person (female) & an old love (male) is coming back into my life. I know that this isn't all about not hearing from him but it's a big part of it.
Well, good luck with your lover and 2 potentials, all while dealing with mothering 2 very young kids! You have a lot on your plate.

Quote:
I'm not interested in hearing from those tough love folks who are honest & experienced but seem to lack compassion...I hope you know who you are. Honesty without compassion & empathy isn't helpful at all. Save your advice for yourself or someone else please!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
... when someone is in a tough spot & someone else needlessly chimes in with their own baggage, starts name-calling, and interjects other negativity, it's unproductive. One could say that this public forum is for helping others in a safe environment where we will not be judged or criticized right?
No, actually people are judged and criticized all the time here! :P If you want less feedback, and just want to vent, you can start a blog in the blogging/journal section here.

Quote:
What if some troller gets on here & starts telling us we're a bunch of immoral sickos? Yeah against the rules, but where do you draw the line? In regard to the people who criticize I'm not even referring to myself, I see it in other posts, I don't like & have every right to say something about it. Perhaps if others on commenting on it too, it's a genuine problem & needs to be commented on more.
Name calling, aka ad hominem attacks, are not allowed here. If you actually see name calling ("you're a jerk," for example), report it using the little (!) exclamation point in the corner of the message box.

If someone has a difference of opinion from you, and doesn't sugar coat it much, and it's their regular habit, and you can't take it, put that poster on ignore.

Trolls can and will have their accounts deleted.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-11-2013 at 03:57 PM.
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Old 06-11-2013, 04:01 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Magdlyn- No, she got upset because he was not talking about me to her like he talks about his other friends...guess she thought he was trying to hide something plus she found out we were texting a lot. He was afraid of talking about me too much & went overboard. Lesson learned.

I texted him & told him I was tired & the lack of communication was upsetting me so he immediately called me while they were in the car together. I won't get to see him until Friday or Saturday but I can wait. The tiredness is a killer.

I appreciate all the feedback.

Do Senior Members calling people hypocrits count as name calling, when poster is just expressing their honest feelings?
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  #9  
Old 06-11-2013, 04:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
Magdlyn- No, she got upset because he was not talking about me to her like he talks about his other friends...guess she thought he was trying to hide something plus she found out we were texting a lot. He was afraid of talking about me too much & went overboard. Lesson learned.
Heh. Well, he shouldnt be hiding how much you and he are texting. And if she thinks you 2 are texting "too much" and cutting into her time with him, she can create a guideline to increase her comfort and security.

Quote:
I texted him & told him I was tired & the lack of communication was upsetting me so he immediately called me while they were in the car together. I won't get to see him until Friday or Saturday but I can wait.
Well, good. BTW, are you sure you want to be involved with a married man, and wouldnt be better off with a single guy? You seem to need more than he can give...

Quote:
I appreciate all the feedback.
Well, that is not what you said above.

Quote:
Do Senior Members calling people hypocrits count as name calling, when poster is just expressing their honest feelings?
Ideally, any poster should criticize behavior, not the character of the poster directly. So, saying "You're a stupid jerk hypocrite" is not cool. OTOH, calling someone's behavior hypocritical (or whatever) is perfectly fine.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
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  #10  
Old 06-12-2013, 12:15 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Everything seem 100x worse when I'm sleep-deprived.
Sounds like you've identified the central problem. Do you have a plan to take care of this? The issue of getting sleep with a youngster around is a pretty common hurdle; are there veteran parents in your life you can get advise from? Maybe a family member or friend can help so that you can catch a cat nap in the afternoon or something?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
Then this past weeks his wife expressed that she was upset b/c he wasn't talking about me & that raised her suspicions that something was wrong, like that he likes me more than her.
That's a strange place to go with a *decrease* in conversation about you. Either way, I'm sure they'll work it out; or they won't - not much you can do about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post

So I've a barely talked to him this week & am feeling awful/disconnected b/c of it. He won't even send a quick text in response to mine. WTF? I know he's busy almost every second but really. A little background...our relationship is relatively new, plus he lives 1.5 hrs away & has a very busy life (family, business, farm, etc).
It's a new relationship, he's incredibly busy, he has a wife who sounds like he might have issues with... I'd say give the guy a minute. I am skeptical that your getting upset is going to help encourage him to dive into your arms. Sounds like he's having trouble with balancing his life as is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
I'm not interested in hearing from those tough love folks who are honest & experienced but seem to lack compassion...I hope you know who you are. Honesty without compassion & empathy isn't helpful at all. Save your advice for yourself or someone else please!
Here's the problem with trying to keep people from posting because they have a more abrupt approach than you'd like. One of the big advantages of an online forum like this is that it reaches so many people. Lurkers and one time visitors scroll through these threads, read what people have to say, and take from it whatever resonates with them the most clearly.

Some people respond to a very gentle, kindergarten teacher approach to conversation in which all ideas are valued as being equal and the definitions of words are made up as we go along. Some respond to a curt and "in your face" type of conversation in which ideas are not treated as precious and are forced to stand on their own merit. The beauty about an online forum is that we can have both. I would encourage you to look outside of your own personal preference and consider whether the more abrupt form of communication has any value to any of the other viewers of this forum... is it possible that some people will take something away from those types of posts who wouldn't have from another approach?

When I identify posters who I feel offer absolutely nothing to an adult conversation I add them to my ignore list... easy enough. I don't have to deal with their intellectual laziness, and they don't have to listen to me tell them how they need to post.
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