Going to poly events/happenings

[nycindie]

Hi, all. So, I just signed up to attend a poly event in my city, and I'm a little nervous because I'm not sure what to expect. It doesn't sound like it will be focused on hooking up, being a holiday party, but I'm just wondering what it will be like (not that I'm expecting anyone here to tell me, but I'm just expressing what's going on in my head). The only poly people I personally know in real life are swingers, too (not my thing), and I'm wondering if they will be at the party, will it be awkward if I run into them there, and so on - sheesh, I feel like a teenager getting ready for a high school dance!

I also joined a Meetup group for poly and poly-curious women only, and although I haven't attended any face-to-face Meetups with them yet, I've reached out to them on their message board and found out another member is also attending the party I mentioned above (organized by another group) -- so at least I will be able to connect at the party with someone I've met online. I used to go out alone all the time when single, but after not having done that much in the course of 10+ years of monogamous marriage, I'm a little rusty at it.

I am looking forward to participating in the Meetup group, which seems to meet just once a month. According to their Welcome page on Meetup.com, it was specifically formed because: "At most poly gatherings, men outnumber women and typically dominate the conversation. The founders of our group saw a need for a group less focused on meeting potential dates and more on providing informed and sympathetic emotional support for our sometimes challenging lovestyle." The roster of members seems to include women who are curious and checking it out, as well as those having lived poly for a long time, so I have a hunch it will be a good local resource for me as I explore this relationship approach for myself.

I am curious to hear others' experiences at poly gatherings. Thanks...

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Hi, all. So, I just signed up to attend a poly event in my city, and I'm a little nervous because I'm not sure what to expect. It doesn't sound like it will be focused on hooking up, being a holiday party, but I'm just wondering what it will be like (not that I'm expecting anyone here to tell me, but I'm just expressing what's going on in my head). The only poly people I personally know in real life are swingers, too (not my thing), and I'm wondering if they will be at the party, will it be awkward if I run into them there, and so on - sheesh, I feel like a teenager getting ready for a high school dance!

Most poly parties are NOT focussed on hooking up. They are socials and sometimes host poly speakers. They are rarely a dating thing. That takes the pressure off. If you meet people get to know them, then you can go from there.

Congrats though, its a good step

I am looking forward to participating in the Meetup group, which seems to meet just once a month. According to their Welcome page on Meetup.com, it was specifically formed because: "At most poly gatherings, men outnumber women and typically dominate the conversation. The founders of our group saw a need for a group less focused on meeting potential dates and more on providing informed and sympathetic emotional support for our sometimes challenging lovestyle." The roster of members seems to include women who are curious and checking it out, as well as those having lived poly for a long time, so I have a hunch it will be a good local resource for me as I explore this relationship approach for myself.

I am curious to hear others' experiences at poly gatherings. Thanks...

I have never been to an official poly gathering. I have been on a camping trip where everyone was primarily poly. It was a lot of fun. But it was really just a social gathering, in this case, with a really intelligent group of people.

a) it offered a lot of great conversation (not all poly in this case)
b) the topics were very diverse
c) the people are easy going and easy to get along with
d) one of the things I fouind most interesting was watching people within their tribes, how they intermix outside of their tribes and then fall back it. Its a truly interesting human dynamic that is prevalent in the poly world.

As a people watcher, I can enjoy being in a group and watching the interactions. I also like discussion so I can join in.

In the end through all of this babble. Poly groups are like any groups. Lots of people, lots of diversity and lots of interesting discussions.

[redpepper]

Agreeing with Ari really. I have been to a lot of poly group meet ups and run a women's group in our city. I find that there is a sense of love, respect, empathy and commonality amongst members on the whole. When you get to know some people there it becomes evident who is a good match of values and descriptions of poly.

I made the mistake of thinking that my poly was everyone else's as I had been on my own with it for so long. It turns out that everyones poly is as diverse as we all are, which is why I fall back on values, and who I respect more.

I am finding now that the diversity aspect of it doesn't come into that at all. I respect and have similar values with people of all different types of diversity. This was my biggest lesson; to not judge a book by it's cover.

[nycindie]

Okay, so I went tonight to this poly event, my first ever, and it was fun. There were maybe 30-40 people there through most of it. Met lots of nice folks, had to avoid one or two weirdos, but that's nothing new in NYC wherever you go.

I was not the only newbie, either! There were about four of us who'd never been to a poly event were not yet "living poly" and everyone was thrilled that we were there and very welcoming to us. I had a very funny interaction with one of the other newbies. He said to me, "Well, now that we're all here and being polyamorous, and everyone's so relaxed and open about everything, how does this work? I like you but does that mean I take you home with me, ask you out, call you up? What?" I looked at him very seriously and said, "Well, I think it works pretty much the same as it would anywhere else. If you want to call me, you're gonna have to ask for my number." And then we both busted up laughing and had a great little talk about getting caught up in labels and ideas about protocol.

So, I had a good time, but there is a but...

There were a couple of poly guys there whom I could not tell whether they were just being nice to me or hitting on me. I mean there were some who were definitely on the prowl, there was no doubt with them. And there were people who were just being nice and conversational, no wondering there either. But two guys in particular that I first could not tell whether they were gay or straight or bi, and secondly could not tell if they were flirting with me. We had great conversation, they were funny, we laughed, they included me, their eyes sparkled, they both invited me to the next event, hugged me warmly, and both of them gave me those handshakes where they clasped my hand with both of theirs. For some reason I am very confused! With the other newbie, his attraction to me was obvious - it could just be me and feeling like I'm in unfamiliar territory but with those experienced poly guys who seemed to be old hands at this, and in that setting, I'm unsure of the signals! Am I being an idiot?

I guess I'll find out of I go to the next event. Not a problem, really, just had to share.

[clairegoad]

I flirt constantly.. and have a hard time telling the difference between playful flirting and serious flirting.

When I first meet someone I assume they are just playful flirting... only after seeing them several times at various meetings do I consider them serious.

I love going to poly meetings... Generally I try to sit between two groups/tribes so I can listen to both conversations. I was nervous about going to the first meeting.. but since then.. it's become my home. (and I'm hoping you'll be feeling the same way soon)

Yep, the flirting is a huge boost to my ego... so I just enjoy it...

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by clairegoad

I flirt constantly.. and have a hard time telling the difference between playful flirting and serious flirting.

I have always been a big flirt myself, too. But in a non-poly setting like I am used to, I generally know the rules of the game. Since many people in the room had a mix of preferences, and I knew these two guys were experienced in the poly arena, I wasn't sure what was going on. I've never had guys who seem rather gay flirting with me the way these guys did, which seemed more than playful. I'm not attracted to bisexual or effeminate men, so I never find myself in such situations and thought it was confusing.

[redpepper]

It's is kind of a rite of passage for newbies to be flirted with at poly meets. After all, we all need to know who's dateable amongst the small population of poly people. I wouldn't take it as any more than a complement and enjoy.
I love it when newbies come for the first few times and are excited to be there and super flirty. What makes me kind of sad is that I sometimes get flirted with and then they find out I'm not available sexually and don't bother talking to me after that. That has happened before now. Its an age old thing of only being worth something if you are free to fuck. That is what relationships are most often about and what is consider worthwhile when looking for a female partner.

Meh, its their loss as I make a great friend and am a really good resource and make self available to chat about poly (etc). It has certainly helped me find friends and lovers that are a good match for me.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by redpepper

It's is kind of a rite of passage for newbies to be flirted with at poly meets. After all, we all need to know who's dateable amongst the small population of poly people. I wouldn't take it as any more than a complement and enjoy.

Good to know. I wasn't upset or anything, just felt out of my element and unsure of what was going on. I guess we should all be thankful there's a place we can flirt and be flirted with without anyone wagging fingers! LOL

Originally Posted by redpepper

I love it when newbies come for the first few times and are excited to be there and super flirty. What makes me kind of sad is that I sometimes get flirted with and then they find out I'm not available sexually and don't bother talking to me after that.

That sucks. I would hope that anyone else I meet going forward would be open to "just" friendship as well -- because, while I would like to get laid, that's not why I went to the party! I mean, I need friends too.

[nycindie]

Went to another poly party last night. Feeling discouraged now about the "community." I kept getting cornered by guys who were clearly on the prowl, which wasn't appealing at all. It didn't make me feel very special when I said "no" and they moved on to proposition the next chick. It seemed like lots of people there were using polyamory as an excuse to find people to randomly screw around with. Wasn't much different than any other pick-up joint, except that everything was more overt and out in the open, with clumps of people here and there making out and a few guys attempting to kiss me without even knowing my name. In thinking about it today, I'm not sure I will go back to these poly events. If I want to live my life having more than one partner, I would rather establish good, fun relationships with people first, and just be honest with everyone, not limit myself to the poly community or hook up with whoever shows interest. [sigh]

[Ariakas]

Take that as a good lesson then. Poly people are no better than monogamous people. I think if you can could see a snapshot of poly people vs mono people. The tendencies would be the same.

Some people find love through sex
Some people get sex after finding love
Some people do both

Poly or mono, that applies. Don't get discouraged, just understand the differences and try to find the ones that interest you. And yes, thats the same as in a "mono" bar.