Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #61  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:03 AM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 116
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Would it bother you if someone was willing to wait, but wouldn't consider you to be in serious relationship until you started having sex? So you could do all the things you are comfortable with, date, be affectionate, everything you need to trust someone, but that person wouldn't consider you a girlfriend or necessary fulfil boyfriend obligations until you start having sex?
Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I just think that your obligations to a friend is different to that of a partner. You still have obligations, but in terms of input into decisions about the future, it would be more asking their opinion. I wouldn't consider my friendships when considering a game changing situation whereas I would consider how they'd impact on my romantic relationships.
I know you didn't ask me personally, but chiming in anyway...

While I'd find that stance hard to relate to - and of course, with someone like me, you'd be settling for friendship permanently, as genital sex with me is forever off the table and not just a "sometime later" thing to wait for - I don't see anything wrong with it. Basically, I don't make any such hard boundary between a close friendship and a partnership in the first place... to me it's just a question of which of these terms everyone involved chooses to go by; there's little tangible, practical difference between "best friend" and "partner", IMO (R. and I use both of these for our ship pretty much interchangeably, too), especially if you're open for non-sexual but sensual/erotic stuff like cuddles, kisses, breast play with someone you'd still call just a friend.

I guess that's me having an anarchistic streak in regards to such labels, and a very strong need for independence that pretty much makes me suck as a "primary" partner in the usual sense, anyway (living together, shared finances, etc.pp.), above and beyond the question of sex. *shrug*
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:30 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 93
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneMystic View Post
I know you didn't ask me personally, but chiming in anyway...

While I'd find that stance hard to relate to - and of course, with someone like me, you'd be settling for friendship permanently, as genital sex with me is forever off the table and not just a "sometime later" thing to wait for - I don't see anything wrong with it. Basically, I don't make any such hard boundary between a close friendship and a partnership in the first place... to me it's just a question of which of these terms everyone involved chooses to go by; there's little tangible, practical difference between "best friend" and "partner", IMO (R. and I use both of these for our ship pretty much interchangeably, too), especially if you're open for non-sexual but sensual/erotic stuff like cuddles, kisses, breast play with someone you'd still call just a friend.

I guess that's me having an anarchistic streak in regards to such labels, and a very strong need for independence that pretty much makes me suck as a "primary" partner in the usual sense, anyway (living together, shared finances, etc.pp.), above and beyond the question of sex. *shrug*
Haha, I should have replied to london's posts earlier too. When reading them, I thought, "So what if I'm not considered a girlfriend? I don't care about the label; I only care about the substance of the relationship."

In fact, I don't particularly want to use "boyfriend/girlfriend" in my non-primary relationships, because "boyfriend/girlfriend" would sound like we were riding the relationship escalator, which I don't plan to do with any non-primary. My current non-primary relationship is a romantic friendship, which is non-sexual by definition, and we're perfectly fine referring to each other as "romantic friend" or "affectionate friend". I don't think this title is inferior to "boyfriend/girlfriend" or "partner". To me, the only difference between a romantic friendship and a romantic partnership is practical life sharing (or the intention to do that), but that doesn't indicate the level of emotional involvement.

Oh well, enough rambling from the asexual relationship anarchist POV. I guess for most people, even as unconventional as polys, "bf/gf" is still more than any kind of "friend".
__________________
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.

Last edited by Eponine; 06-13-2013 at 10:08 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 06-16-2013, 09:33 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Default

Wow, this is a hot thread! Have not read quite all of it, but want to add my response to the OP. I was a poly virgin for a while. I was raised in a very strict religious environment: sex belongs to marriage only, and marriage is between one man and one woman only. I did not get married as long as I believed in that all. At some point I could not believe in the system anymore, and that was the time when I also started re-thinking the relationship issues as well as issues considering sex.

My ponderings lead me to the belief that honesty and openness in communication in relationships are of far more importance than sex. So before ever having sex with anyone, I had a poly mentality. Also, I never really had any romantic relationships before that either, so in that sense my history is very different from the OP's.

Anyway, I think there are many things positive in the fact that I started being sexually active very late and after a considerable amount of processing it in my mind. My first partner had to wait for me to be ready, and the opening came little by little. They did not look for sex anywhere else during this time, but that would have been ok for me - we did discuss it and they understood what I meant. It was a very beautiful process and I can happily look back to it now and feel good about my life then and my life now.
__________________
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (my husband) and Mark.
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 06-16-2013, 10:41 AM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 172
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
It was a very beautiful process and I can happily look back to it now and feel good about my life then and my life now.
You're very lucky to be able to do that! In the generally sex-negative society we live in it's a real gift to be able to have had a positive introduction to intimacy.

From my own background in Taoist Sacred Sexuality I would have to say that the OP seems to have her sexuality well and truly under a mental gridlock put in place by, I'm guessing, her family or religion. The real problem with this is that it can make it very difficult, as Magdlyn alludes to, to get in contact with the physical, emotional and (tao-speak) energetic processes that take place when Jing Qi (sexual energy) starts to flow.

On the positive side, it can be a big plus that the OP is wanting to make conscious choices when it comes to when and with whom to explore her sexuality.

On the down side the long list of mental and emotional pre-conditions she has in place may make it tough for her to actually enjoy, experience and feel good about herself and her actions once she does decide to proceed.
__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 06-16-2013, 11:00 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,056
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
. . . honesty and openness in communication in relationships are of far more importance than sex. So before ever having sex with anyone, I had a poly mentality.
Why do you call that a "poly mentality?" Honesty and openness in communication are important for any relationship, whether poly or mono.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 06-16-2013, 11:41 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why do you call that a "poly mentality?" Honesty and openness in communication are important for any relationship, whether poly or mono.
You're right... I should have explained a bit more detailed, but since the emphasis in this thread is in virginity, I did not think it was that important. But since you asked, so - my thought process went on like this: If honesty is the core value and sex is not as important as I have been told it is, then why would it matter if someone has sex with more than one person if they are honest about it with all the partners? Also, love comes in all sizes and shapes and I want to enjoy all of it that comes along - with or without sex involved. Also what has been important to me is that I won't hinder anyone's freedom to do what they enjoy doing or be with whomever they wish, whether it be friendships or more.
__________________
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (my husband) and Mark.

Last edited by Nadya; 06-16-2013 at 11:45 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 11-22-2013, 02:00 PM
PatG PatG is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 4
Default

I know this is kind of a reserection of the thread, but I am new member, just having stumbled into this site.

As has been mentioned a cpl of times, I will presumptivly accept that poly minded people would have a range of outlooks not dissimilar to the (presumpitvly monogamous) society at large, making it more a general discussion of virginity generally. That said, I will throw out several individual statements:

Statement #1 - Everyone should be in charge of their body and what they do or don't do with it.

Statement #2 - As a general rule of life, if you have to wonder if you should do (whatever), you probably shouldn't.

Statement #3 - ( excluding the asexual, or if one only meets people through venues oriented narrowly to a specific sexual outlook) everyone will at least subconciously have at least a general sense of progression of esculation of physical (sexual or quasi-sexual related) .

Statement #5 - As the OP indicated timely discussion of decisive limits should be done in timely manner.

Statement #6 - the world is a big place , and there is at least one person oriented to ANY combination of (whatever) , no matter how obscurte or seemingly contradictory.

Statement #7 - Regarding the above, yes thoughtfulness and patientce have their (important) place, a catagoric position that the *wild thing* is off the board for a looong time , if not perminantly will remove a huge portion of the population ( again presuming over the age of adulthood in their place/ culture). The remaining cohort will be heavily predisposed of : asexuals , those with serious psycological issues, and religous fanatics.

Statement #8 - Presuming that someone similarily situated to the OP does go ahead and eventually engage in *the Wild thing* after extended delay , I will make some totally madeup, wild ass sstistics of their reactions :

10% - Hey, everything came about just right.
10% - Thru bad eventual choices, or just plain bad luck the experience was unpleasant to worst nightmere.

80% - Holy Crap, this is Great ! I wish I'd gone here a long time ago.
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 11-24-2013, 03:25 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 472
Default

Actually, as someone who wishes to wait several years before having sex, poly is probably PERFECT for you

In a monogamous relationship, finding a sexually minded partner (as you've said you want) who is willing to wait years before going to bed with you...well, that's probably impossible. And even if you found someone like that, the chances of them cheating on you would be high. And you don't want someone asexual....because then they'll never want sex and you will, eventually.

But in a poly relationship, they could have, or be developing, another relationship, which could fulfill their physical needs till you were ready. And you don't have to feel the pressures of doing things before you're ready or feel guilt at denying your partner something.
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 11-26-2013, 03:06 PM
ICanBeStunning's Avatar
ICanBeStunning ICanBeStunning is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: NYC
Posts: 24
Default

If it worked for me, it can work for you.

I was actually a poly virgin until a few years ago. I've known I'd pursue poly since my Jr. year in High School, but I wasn't nearly ready to have sex with anyone. The monogamous people I dated saw my virginity as a prize, which in itself was a turn off. I just wasn't ready. At some point during college, I started meeting different partners. I was in relationships with around 3 people and sex actually wasn't such a huge issue. I kept cringing, thinking they'd tire of waiting, but my partners liked me for more than my "prize". Of those relationships, I had a secondary relationship with a married man that lasted over 5 years. I "lost" my virginity to him after waiting two years.

Don't do what you're not comfortable doing. If I gave in to the pressures around me, it could have been my undoing. I'm happy I waited; it wasn't about anyone else, it was for me. The person I first had sex with couldn't have been a better partner. Really out of all wonderful people I was seeing, I trusted him the most (but at the time we probably had the weakest romantic connection. Go figure).
__________________
Bisexual woman in my 20s
Single and dating
Bear my on again bf of 3 years (6 year relationship)
SM his wife
I'm also dating Billy and have a play partner Prettyboy
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 11-26-2013, 03:11 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 508
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
In a monogamous relationship, finding a sexually minded partner (as you've said you want) who is willing to wait years before going to bed with you...well, that's probably impossible. And even if you found someone like that, the chances of them cheating on you would be high. And you don't want someone asexual....because then they'll never want sex and you will, eventually.
This is really making a lot of assumptions about how 'everyone' thinks and feels on this topic. There are plenty of people out there who value waiting, even until marriage.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
asexuality, dating, polyamory, sex, trust, virgin, virginity

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:33 AM.