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  #51  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:29 PM
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ChaiLatteWriter ChaiLatteWriter is offline
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All right, I'm gonna see if I can make this my last reply.

Yes, I said I would wait a few years, so I did go back on my own word. Several years is my timeframe because that's how long my serious relationships have lasted before other issues got in the way.

I still think it depends on the person I'm with, but in general, I want to know the relationship has a solid foundation that won't crack when there is a big issue, related to the bedroom or not. I would prefer a solid foundation be a few years, because I'm not casual about romance. If I love the person a lot, I can be flexible on my timeframe, but I also want to avoid new love and lust clouding my decisions. And to me, it's comparable to any part of a relationship. I wait until I like someone before going on a date. I wait until I have some romantic feelings before I start kissing and cuddling with them. And I'll wait until we've been together a while and I trust them before I have sex.

Waiting before I have sex with a person, my first time or not, is just something I feel I should do. Like I said, I have wonderful relationships with plenty of affection, and I'm up front with sex discussions. I'm not hiding anything or trying to test people.

And I'll say again, I was curious about opinions in general, so please don't drag my personal choices into this.
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  #52  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:46 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I think you're wise to know your own values and set some boundaries on when you're willing to be intimate with someone.

How sad that this world has become one where the mention of someone's promiscuity in another thread brings on finger wagging and warnings not to 'be judgmental,' yet mention of wanting to know someone well and trust them and know the relationship is solid before having sex brings on a number of judgments.

If we're going to be non-judgmental, we need to be non-judgmental. Or did I mistake the meaning of the word? Does it really mean, "You may not judge me or my values, but I may judge you?"
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  #53  
Old 06-12-2013, 05:08 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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@Marcus & WhatHappened...

Pretty much down with what you said. Sex-positive has to mean encouraging people to have as much or as little sex in their lives as they want (provided it's all SSC, natch).

london's view is okay as a personal stance. Chai's view is okay as a personal stance. My own stance (lifetime virgin) is okay as a personal stance. All of them are compatible with sex-positivity just fine (heck, I actually do consider myself sex-positive, I just don't want any of it in my own life); none of them would be compatible with sex-positivity if one tried and turn them into a general rule.

TL;DR... Virgin shaming is just as sex-positive than slut shaming (i.e., not very).
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  #54  
Old 06-12-2013, 06:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaiLatteWriter View Post
Yes, I said I would wait a few years, so I did go back on my own word. Several years is my timeframe because that's how long my serious relationships have lasted before other issues got in the way.
Splitting hairs. It doesn't matter how long you personally think you need to wait before having sex with someone (if ever), or when you share your diary with them (if ever), or when you tell them that you believe you are the reincarnation of Jesse James (I'd get that one looked at though). You get to decide these things for yourself.

NOW I will say that you seem to hold an extreme viewpoint on either sex or trust (or both). For your own sake I would suggest being ever vigilant in learning the nature of your feelings on these matters and being honest with yourself about their root motivation.
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  #55  
Old 06-12-2013, 06:25 PM
london london is offline
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Would it bother you if someone was willing to wait, but wouldn't consider you to be in serious relationship until you started having sex? So you could do all the things you are comfortable with, date, be affectionate, everything you need to trust someone, but that person wouldn't consider you a girlfriend or necessary fulfil boyfriend obligations until you start having sex?
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  #56  
Old 06-12-2013, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Would it bother you if someone was willing to wait, but wouldn't consider you to be in serious relationship until you started having sex?
Out of curiosity, so I can follow along; can you clarify what you mean by being "considered a girlfriend" and "fulfill boyfriend obligations"? Those are both really vague and could be interpreted countless different ways.

[I especially want to hear the list of boyfriend obligations]
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  #57  
Old 06-12-2013, 06:44 PM
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Me, I like fucking. I started having sex at age 14 and have enjoyed myself immensely for almost 40 years now (wow!). I admit that I have been known to fuck a guy on the first date. Sometimes I hold out and wait til the third date. Usually I can't wait longer than that. I've made some idiotic choices over the years, but even when I was young, I knew I was learning about myself. And having fun.

Does this mean I am indescriminate or undiscerning? No. I, too, prefer to have sex only with people I trust and care about. However, I am a very good judge of people -- this has been told to me many times in my work world, where I have to put together crews that work on intense projects together (filmmaking). Working on a film production is an intimate environment, and a variety of personalities get thrown together for a highly creative and intense purpose. Souls get bared, emotions run high, and we see what folks are made of on 16-hour workdays. I've had feedback from my crews that my projects were the most fun, cohesive, and smooth-running projects that they ever worked on. It's always said that on film productions, if something can go wrong, it will -- so the fact that my crews work so smoothly together is an indication that I know how to pick 'em!

So, it is a gift I have to be able to read people pretty well. I used to be naive but over the years have developed good intuition. And that means that, sometimes, I am willing to jump in the sack and get it on with someone before I really know them well. Perhaps I trust much more quickly than most, but I don't need to know someone's secrets, family history, favorite color, or even his last name before boinking him. That's just me. But I do have to like him, care about him in some way, and have a sense that I can trust them.

I don't see much difference between me and the OP - we just have different ideas of how long it takes to trust someone.

ChaiLatteWriter, you do come across as very intelligent and well-spoken, but the fact remains that you are young and inexperienced. It would only make sense that, while formulating your rules or disciplines for your life, you realize they could change someday as you change and grow as a person. Your views will probably change in response to your experiences, and it does sound like there is a romantic naivete at work here. Be that as it may, it's your life and you are free to live it as you see fit.

You wanted to know what kinds of responses you would get if you were to seek multiple relationships and still wish to remain a virgin. Sure, if you go to poly events in hopes of meeting polyfolk, there will always be a few schmucks who just wanna get into your pants. However, my sense is that there are all kinds of people out there and if you are honest and forthright and confident, there are plenty of polyfolk out there who will be attracted to you for numerous reasons beyond whether or not you are willing to engage in genital-to-genital contact with them.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-12-2013 at 06:51 PM.
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  #58  
Old 06-12-2013, 07:18 PM
london london is offline
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I just think that your obligations to a friend is different to that of a partner. You still have obligations, but in terms of input into decisions about the future, it would be more asking their opinion. I wouldn't consider my friendships when considering a game changing situation whereas I would consider how they'd impact on my romantic relationships.
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  #59  
Old 06-12-2013, 07:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I just think that your obligations to a friend is different to that of a partner . . . I would consider how they'd impact on my romantic relationships.
Hmm, but romantic relationships are not automatically partnerships.
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  #60  
Old 06-12-2013, 09:49 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaiLatteWriter View Post
By the by, I was curious about polyamorous views on this because I'm coming at it from a monogamous standpoint. I'm polycurious right now, but I was raised to think of monogamy when determining who to have sex with and why.
What an engaging discussion... love the spirited opinions.

To be honest I totally understand. I was 22 yrs old until I had sex the first time, to whom eventually become my wife. I wanted to wait until I found "the one" as well and I was lucky it happened the way I had planned. Out of all my friends I was the only virgin left. Until last year my wife was the only person I ever had sex with.

For me your comment of waiting 2-3 years is perplexing... when you eventually find that person, I bet my left nut it will be a MUCH shorter time frame.

However, you being Polycurious is curiosity itself. You are very well spoken by the way... way to go in getting a fun topic started :-)
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