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  #1  
Old 06-09-2013, 07:30 AM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Talking Felix's Adventures in PolyLand

Well! Anyone who read my intro (and if you didn't go read it for some pre-text here!), you know that I've recently realized I'm poly thanks to looking back on past relationships. Most noteable of these relationships was with B, the guy I had a weird little triangle with involving him, myself and my current husband, P.

Well, thanks to me finally realizing that I am "poly wired" (I've seen the term used about here and it seems to fit well for me) I let myself actually feel for other people and found out.... holy shit, I still deeply love B and never truly stopped. I tried to stop, I can assure you. I took those feelings, buried them down and did my damnedest to smother them... but still he would pop into my head and my dreams and on occasions I would find myself turning back to my old stalkery ways to see what he was up to, who he was dating... that stuff. I just told myself it was... friendly curiosity.

So, since I decided I wanted to find out if I truly still had feelings for him and not just his memory, I started talking to him again. I honestly had no idea how it was going to go. As far as I was concerned, he was completely over me or hated me and never wanted to talk to me beyond a polite hello. I was very, very wrong. Tonight was very enlightening, involving alot of texting... aaand some inappropriate pictures. >_>;;

While I can't say with complete certainty that he still harbors the same deep feelings for me that I've felt for him over these years, there's definitely still -something-... and it makes me happy.



... Me and P are gonna have alot to talk about tomorrow after my sister goes home.... A....lot....
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  #2  
Old 06-09-2013, 09:05 PM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Sooo me and P have been talking for hours now and we've come to the conclusion... that this whole situation is awkward and weird and we need to keep learning and talking about it....

On one hand I'm excited to finally be opening myself up to something I didn't even know I had inside me. The ability to love more than one person seems like such a rare gift that this world could use more of! ....But on the other hand I feel terrible, because it makes P feel so insecure and stressed just thinking about it and I have no idea what I can do or say to make him feel better or help him cope. He has a friend online who's in an open relationship, so I'm hoping that at least helps a little bit.

I feel like over these past couple years I've slowly but surely become more depressed about my life. I felt almost trapped in a monogomous marriage and thinking like that made me feel worse, because I love my husband deeply and have no desire to not be married to him. Now that we've been talking about having an 'open relationship' and letting me live polyamorously, it's like the door to this cage I've felt trapped in is cracking open a bit... and it gives me a huge feeling of hope and excitement, but all this uncertainty is driving me insane. I don't know how this is all going to end up and I just really wish we could live without the fear and uncertainty that comes with uncharted territory... I just want everyone to be happy, but it feels like in the end, someone's always going to be hurt and it's almost always my fault. *sigh*

Sorry if this was weird and rambly, I just needed to get it out.
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  #3  
Old 06-10-2013, 03:33 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Good luck. You're definitely not the only one out there. I really like reading the transitioning stories, as that's what I am going through.

If he's open to talking, it sounds like it's going in the right direction.
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:46 PM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Well, yesterday was completely emotionally exhausting, but at least we ended it on a good note. P got out his anger and confusion, I had a minor break-down and cried, but at the end of the night we cuddled and kept talking and I think we're headed in the right direction. He's still open to the idea and is warming up to my being poly, though he admits he's gonna be constantly trying to contain his jealousies...

I'm so very excited about all of this, but I still have this lingering fear that I'm gonna end up hurting him and that's not what I want at all. Dealing with my own emotions is hard enough, but learning to take other's emotions into consideration is just plain exhausting... But! I will keep on keepin' on.
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  #5  
Old 06-12-2013, 01:30 PM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Well, apparently P hasn't gotten ALL of his anger and frustration out and I have no idea what to do. He's Bi-Polar, so he isn't the most emotionally stable human being around, but still... I'm beginning to think even talking about this whole ordeal was a terrible idea. He can't seem to wrap his head around the fact that I still love him and that I've always been polyamorous and that I'm not just doing this to drive him crazy. He called me a 'two-timing slut' the other day and at first I thought he was joking, but now I think he was actually serious... He's become suspicious and jealous and all I've been doing is talking to B on FB and text.

Karma's a vindictive bitch....
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  #6  
Old 06-13-2013, 04:33 AM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Well, I obviously misjudged a lot of things in my relationship with P... He went from being open to the idea to calling me a 'two-timing slut' and that I'm ruining our marriage with this. *sigh* I love him, but after this I've got a lot to think about....
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Old 06-13-2013, 08:02 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FelixFelicis View Post
Well, I obviously misjudged a lot of things in my relationship with P... He went from being open to the idea to calling me a 'two-timing slut' and that I'm ruining our marriage with this. *sigh* I love him, but after this I've got a lot to think about....
I am sorry you are weathering some storms. Being in an open relationship is sometimes not taken well by the monogamous spouse. In your case, you know that he is bipolar, too. Is there any way you can seek counselling? Damage is being done, and take it from someone who knows...if it keeps going on this downward spiral, it will not get any better. You will end up hating each other. When transitioning, it is wise to move slowly and tread with caution. If you see that there is a problem, do not wait to act on it or address it. You need to tell him how it made you feel when called you that. I wish my husband would call me a slut. That is disrespectful, and it does not matter how hurt he was. Talking to you like that is unacceptable, and there are no excuses for it.
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  #8  
Old 06-13-2013, 08:31 PM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I am sorry you are weathering some storms. Being in an open relationship is sometimes not taken well by the monogamous spouse. In your case, you know that he is bipolar, too. Is there any way you can seek counselling? Damage is being done, and take it from someone who knows...if it keeps going on this downward spiral, it will not get any better. You will end up hating each other. When transitioning, it is wise to move slowly and tread with caution. If you see that there is a problem, do not wait to act on it or address it. You need to tell him how it made you feel when called you that. I wish my husband would call me a slut. That is disrespectful, and it does not matter how hurt he was. Talking to you like that is unacceptable, and there are no excuses for it.
I wish he could get some counseling, but we're constantly broke and the only "cheap" counselors seem to be for drug addicts around here. I plan on having another talk with him and I'll tell him how it made me feel, but right now I'm so emotionally exhausted from those few days that I can barely look at him. I opened up to him and let myself be vulnerable and I feel like I took a huge emotional blow... I'm not one to let my defenses down easily and it's shit like this that makes me wanna keep up my walls 24/7, even if it means coming off as cold and stand-offish.

He was rather apologetic yesterday and went through the usual routine, where he becomes as equally sweet as he was assholish before. For some reason it just pissed me off, instead of making me feel any better. This feels like a festering wound and I don't know how to fix it. I feel like if I talk to him about it, he'll either get super apologetic and depressed about his behavior, or it'll spark another heated argument where he blames me for all of it and I really can't take that right now. This whole ordeal's making me re-evaluate our relationship and I hate that... we had something that I thought was good, but now, I'm not as certain... I suppose only time will tell for now...
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Old 06-14-2013, 12:54 AM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Well, it looks like he's got a friend online who's studying Psychology and is helping him through his issues right now. I'm just gonna keep the confrontation to a minimum, though I told him earlier I'm not gonna stop talking to B as a friend. He said he'll still feel that jealousy, but he's gonna work on controlling that part of him. At least things are settling down around here, I'm just curious to see how it goes at this point...
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  #10  
Old 06-26-2013, 04:44 PM
FelixFelicis FelixFelicis is offline
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Things have been so fucking weird lately. I should have been able to get over his words, but I can't. At my most vulnerable the man I love and trusted could only see his own insecurities and set out to hurt me with his words. 'Selfish' 'Two-timing slut'... After everything I've done to take care of him and this family, after trying -so hard- to remain monogamous in this committed relationship... I feel like everything was just taken for granted and now I don't know what to do. I think these words have left a deeper hurt than if he'd physically hit me...

Lately I've been looking at houses in the area. Super cheap two-bedroom places that could use some TLC since they're older houses, but have that certain something to them that really inspires me. I can see myself living in them, growing in my artistic capabilities, in my parenting, and in myself... What I can't see is P living with me, or anyone but my son, really. I never had a chance to just be single and live on my own and it's becoming more and more appealing... and it scares me. I love my husband, I do, but I can't help but wonder if I'll be able to deal with his Bipolar-ness for the rest of my life... With the jealousy, the contempt, the control... I'm not someone who's going to start walking on eggshells because it might hurt someone's feelings. I'm a brutally honest person and it's not something I'm willing to change. I'm a challenging person to be with and now I'm not so sure P is truly up to the challenge...

I wish I could go to a counselor who has experience with this sort of thing, but I don't think there's anyone in this conservative state who could help me. For now I'll just keep working, saving money and paying off debts and see where life takes me on this scary ride.
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