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Old 06-07-2013, 04:43 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Oh stop being such a guy. Emotions happen, everyone has them. You can't control or rein in your emotions. You can only change what you DO once you've identified and worked through your emotions.

So, your son has needs. Your wife has needs. You do everything for them. What about self care? MAKE time for friends. Ever heard of babysitters? Trading sitting with the parents of one of his friends? You get their kid overnight, then they take yours? Are you working full time or what? Don't you get any personal time for your own hobbies?

This is your life. Live it. Don't put yourself on the back burner. YOUR needs and desires are just as important as the wife and kid's.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's bf for 5 years
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Old 06-07-2013, 04:59 PM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Great Northwet
Posts: 36
Default different meds?

Hi DeJaye,

You're situation sucks! So sorry you're having to live through all that.

First off: what does your doctor say about you episodes even though you're on meds to help that? Have they suggested other med options? I used to listen to the Pedestrian Polyamory podcast and one of the hosts was taking Zoloft and it not only made him manic, made him severely angry in some of those episodes. Then he tried Wellbutrin (sp?) and found that balanced him out sooooooo much better as in no more manic episodes, and the real "him" was back.

Not trying to be a doctor, just make sure yours is!

Second: You say your wife is doing nothing wrong however she's not helping/supporting you recover from doing what a spouse vows to do in marriage: help your spouse through illness! (sickness & health, anyone?) You want her to be happy; does she want that for you? Is she willing to do some things to help you be happy like you did opening up the marriage so she could be happy?

Seems she's in the really selfish phase of NRE and letting you take on the guilt of "pushing her away" due to your illness and med complications instead of helping you with your struggles, finding ways to help you feel more secure in the relationship is not not doing anything wrong. She says she doesn't have a lot of forgiveness? Excuse me?

In the podcast I referenced above the illness did take a huge toll on their relationship. They still could not come to terms with how much time and energy spent on each other vs other relationships. Under the not compatible meds with him; he kept telling her he wasn't getting enough, she wasn't doing enough (& she felt she was putting in the time and the commitment) so she finally felt that if he didn't like everything she was doing that he ultimately must not like her.

Hopefully your seeking therapeutic help and getting the meds balanced out sooner will keep your marriage on track. Keep being diligent, follow Magdlyn's sage suggestions, get you healthy.

Btw: How long is the separation expected to last? How's your son handling all this? Gotta be tough with ill dad trying his best & essentially absent mother with no "mommy" day to day responsibilities.

Sounds dreamy: She's got a new guy, NRE and lives alone? Yeah, she's got some classes & gets to study on her own time table and whim--while your home struggling to keep healthy and being a single FULL time dad? Ummm yeah; seems very unequal.
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Old 06-07-2013, 06:53 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Default Another thing to consider . . .


First: thank you for your service.

Next: you're already getting good counsel on the relationship front, soI'm going to offer some advice from my experience as the spouse of a disabled veteran and PTSD patient.

Collect as many as your medical records as you can. Many doctors will not provide copies, citing privacy concerns which I think are really mostly "cover my own ass" concerns. HOWEVER, many will provide you them if you ask for a copy "for educational purposes only."

When you are discharged, apply immediately with the VA for disability pension. If you're experience is like most veterans I know, you will be turned down. Get in contact with the PATIENTS' REPRESENTATIVE in your local VA facility. They all have one; smaller facilities share them. Work with the PatRep to file an appeal. If the appeal is denied, appeal again, and consider applying for Unemployability, if your injuries are severe enough (and don't forget to factor in the PTSD). I know many veterans whose claims were denied right up to the point that a Board of Appeals would have to be convened to hear the case. So YOU KEEP COMING until you receive the benefits the people of our nation set aside for you.

On the PTSD front: there are many MANY more treatment options available now than there ever have been before. Look into them! Find what works for you and GET THAT TREATMENT! PTSD doesn't ever completely go away, but can get much better with treatment. And it can get WORSE if ignored, and nobody wants that. Also, there are programs for spouses and families of PTSD patients, to help them learn about the disorder and learn how to help you.

I also want to say this, loud and clear, in case no one's said it before: the PTSD is not your fault, even though it is your problem. PTSD occurs when sane people go through insane trauma. It is your mind's attempt to bear the unbearable.

I have to go now, but best of luck to you and yours, and thank you, again, for your service.
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Old 06-08-2013, 02:12 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,134

Everyone has emotions. Do you mean emotional flooding as a result of PTSD? Do you know NOT to engage for that 20 min window of WHOOOSH stuff? Is your spouse educated enough about PTSD and emotional flooding related to PTSD? Do you both know it isn't just you who has the PTSD but your spouse and kid are affected too?

What are your triggers?

How's your communication with wife?

Is wife meeting her responsibilities/obligations to you/the marriage/son? Or neglecting you because she's distracted with the new sweetie?

If this new med is making you feel worse, could you ask doc for a different one?

Your social wellness sounds poor -- could you work to make new friends? You seem you have a need for CONNECTION -- with wife or friends. You sound lonely over there. (COuld you have other needs?)

If you are lonely... You could accept that others around you aren't brainiacs like you. But making some friends with kids so you can toss a football around on family playdates is not rocket science. Making friends so you have babysitters so you get get OUT and have "dad breaks" isn't a bad thing either. Improves social wellness for both you and son perhaps.

Whether you are there 2 weeks or 6 mos... could work on it so that if it DOES turn out to be 6 mos you get some short term relief on some fronts even if not EVERYTHING is super stellar in all your areas that need attention. Could go for "less ugh" to start maybe?

Hang in there.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-08-2013 at 02:16 AM.
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Old 06-08-2013, 03:55 AM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 49

Hello everyone,

I would like to thank everyone for the great advice you are giving my husband. I am very glad that he decided to participate here with people who are experienced with poly.

I do support him as much as possible from a distance. I try to handle as many appointments as possible and make sure that all the accounts are up to date, investments are made and that things are taken care of as much as possible from my distance.

Although I admit I am in the midst of NRE, I offer to give him all the time I have when he is here for the weekend. He has chosen to have my bf around a bit more than I expected he would. I actually was sure to tell my bf what my schedule was this weekend and made it clear that I would be having family time.

I love my husband and this has been difficult for all of us. I hate the idea of him being alone and am doing what I can to assist him in finding a close friend and a hobby.

I agree with the co-dependency. I have been trying for years to get him to develop relationships outside of me. I was afraid this may happen to him when I left for graduate school.

Also, grad school is far from dreamy. I know that in his head I get to do what I want, when I want. However, essentially I am a slave to my advisers and do what they tell me, when they tell me. I travel a lot and work VERY long days. I know that in his head, I spend all of my time with my new bf. This is simply not true. I do get the advantage of being able to stop for lunch because he is close and see him in the late evening for the same reasons. However, for example, we spent time together today and quite a bit of it was working on presentations for an upcoming trip that I have.

I want my husband to be what makes him happy. I support him as much as possible, but we have been having issues LONG before we opened our relationship. There are things that we have been working on for years that are popping up constantly since we have been separated by distance.

It makes me sound bad that I just can't take it anymore, but this isn't something new going on in our relationship. At what point does someone stop walking on eggshells? Its been this way for a long time. We are together because I love him, but I will not tolerate repeated explosive episodes that in the past have actually occurred in front of my colleagues.

I want to help him, I want to be there, but he has to be willing to help himself before I can do anything for him. If I didn't want to be with him, I wouldn't have put up with all the other things not mentioned here that have occurred due to his PTSD and other military issues etc.

I have been with him for 13 years through highs and lows. I will continue to be with him, but cannot help him as much as I want to. I feel disabled myself in this situation. He pushes me away because of low self esteem. How other than telling him I love him and how sexy and smart and what a great husband he is can I do to assist him in making him realize how great he is?

For goodness sakes, I love him so much that I helped him set up profiles to meet someone so that he wouldn't be so lonely. He asked me last night to quit college and come home. Consider me horrible, but there is NO WAY this is going to happen. We have all sacrificed so much, I am not quitting now a year away from the finish line. If I come home without my graduate degree, we would be swamped with student loans and the whole family would suffer.

It has been unbelievably hard for me to be away from my family. I finally get to keep my son for a week (even though he has to join me when I teach this week) so that we can get some us time. I tried to set up fun things for him to do while he does not have a child to worry about. I even offered him my apartment at the beach so he can have a vacation with his girlfriend this summer!

What else can I do? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. I am at the point I will do anything to make him happy. Even if that means not being with me (although I suspect that will not do it either). I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I could break it off with my bf right now and it wouldn't make a difference as these problems started LONG before D came around.
LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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Old 06-10-2013, 11:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,134

He pushes me away because of low self esteem. How other than telling him I love him and how sexy and smart and what a great husband he is can I do to assist him in making him realize how great he is?
You can encourage, you can support but in the end HE has to be the one to change his core beliefs. You cannot do it for him.

Could encourage him to do self-respecting behavior. Could encourage him not to make self esteem do the work of self respecting behavior. I'm not sure what he needs from himself and what he needs from you for him to become willing to work on his self esteem and start doing self respecting behavior to himself. Help him decide that he could not be his own inner bully in how he talks to himself in his head.

But you could ask him what needs those might be. See what he says.

Maybe this article puts it in a way he can understand?


Maybe it's his habitual thinking patterns and self talk than need changing. Could something like this help?


If you yourself are at your own personal limit and cannot take any more like this? Consider letting go of the rope. Have you tried that yet to get him to see the severity of how this affects all of you?

Def talk to each other. This sounds serious.

What do YOU need to be happy?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-10-2013 at 11:44 PM.
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Old 06-30-2013, 05:40 AM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 49

Thank you for the advice Galagirl. I really do love him and hate to see him in pain. I read your links some time ago, and realized that I had to let go of the rope. I feel like such a failure. After years of fighting for this relationship, I had to loosen my grip.

I can't say I have completely let go yet. I am desperately trying to salvage a friendship (there is so much long term damage, it can't be more right now). I am hoping that one day we find each other again. I haven't let that thought completely go (I didn't put in all that fight for nothing).

However, I feel at this point, until J figures out what he needs, I can do nothing but be a punching bag for his emotions. I am all for supporting the one you love, and have done so for years, but his need for control has crossed a line.

I want him to be able to focus on himself and realize what an amazing person he is. I want him to find self worth without tying every bit of it to me. When I met him, he was a strong, independent man. I want him to find that again, I was facilitating the co-dependency. Although, you need to be able to rely on those you love to help support you while you swim to shore, if the one you are helping is sitting on your shoulders, no one is getting very far.

We have booked him a two week trip to Washington state to see his best friend. He needs this. He needs a guy trip and some time away. I hope he starts coming around so that we can work on us again eventually.
LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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Old 06-30-2013, 02:53 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

LadySFI - you struck a chord with me with the term "emotional punching bag." I was in a closed triad that ended badly, due to that very type of behavior. The wife used her husband as an emotional punching bag and had long before I entered the picture. Bad mood? Verbally abuse the husband. Something didn't go just right? Attack the husband. Raining when she wanted sunshine? Well that was his fault too.

Funny thing though, she could control her behavior and usually didn't do it openly in front of others. It was only when I joined the family that I began to see how bad it was. No one should have to live like that. I don't blame you for taking a huge step back.

That said, at least your husband recognizes his issues. No, recognition doesn't fix them, but this woman couldn't understand why it was wrong to treat her husband like that. Her stance was: if you love me you shouldn't try to change me. It broke his heart to leave her, but he did for his own sanity.

(And if you are wondering, leaving her did not mean moving in with me. I left the picture for a year while they went through two marriage counselors. Now he and I have resumed our friendship, but our lives are separate. He is trying to recover from the ordeal and has two kids to keep him pretty occupied.)

As for your husband, it is so painful to have the emotional issues that he does. My dad, like your husband, was very smart, but also had emotional swings. It took him a long time, but eventually, he was able to gain control of his behavior. I think he came to view them much as a schizophrenic would a hallucination. He knew that his emotions often had no basis in reality. I remember asking him about it once - his behavior was so improved that I had assumed he wasn't subject to the mood swings he once was. He replied that he still felt everything he always had, he just ignored it.

I am hoping that your husband will read this and perhaps my dad's experience will give him something he can work with.
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