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  #21  
Old 02-04-2011, 05:29 PM
midwestmama midwestmama is offline
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"And another important thing is that J. and I promised to never let our primary partners have the power to end our relationship. It only stops if J. and I want it to stop. J. and I needed that promise to feel safe, trusting and secure in our relationship.
I get this mentality. But then in this case my husband and I would have been over. It wasn't him saying he didn't like it, rather he could not live like this anymore. I told my bf "I'd give up almost anything for you, but for this I'd have to give up everything and I can't."
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  #22  
Old 02-04-2011, 06:56 PM
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...when he restricts me from loving, he IS losing me, on the inside ....Sometimes I truly wish I had never fallen for the other man -- but then I remember that old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." So true.
Thanks for saying this. I think its really important to note and be aware of. At least for me right now in my life. How is it possible to balance both the love lost and your partners potential to lose a part of you because of their restrictions? A balance doesn't seem right somehow as I don't know about you but I prefer a more pure love than that. Time maybe? Is it possible to get passed restricted love in order to give love purely again to your partner?
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  #23  
Old 02-04-2011, 09:10 PM
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I think I get all into the romantic DRAMA, the paradox, of giving up EVERYTHING for the one you love.... "All in the name of love...." "What I did for love...." (I think there are hundreds of songs like this!)

Someone once told me I was being selfish for not giving up the other man I loved, for the sake of my husband. Sometimes I felt like staying in my marriage was MORE selfish, because I wasn't giving up my comforts. Is polyamory all about sacrifice??? Or the only answer? I mean, how can you give up one love, for another love? And what about sacrificing your needs -- to LOVE, or to BE LOVED? ("Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you, or are you going back to the one you love? Someone's gonna cry when they learn they've lost you; someone's gonna thank the stars above....") I have a good marriage, my husband adores me, and I love him, but if I could not love this other man, an essential part of me would die. How can that be a good thing?

I thrive on this stuff -- I'm an English Lit major (Even though I can't seem to write intelligently on this forum -- I apologize! ) I guess it's much easier when it's fictional characters, but when it's your own life and you are living this drama, it is really mind-boggling sometimes.

I'm sorry -- am I hijacking? If so, sorry, and HELP!
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  #24  
Old 02-04-2011, 09:34 PM
midwestmama midwestmama is offline
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LOL you are not hijacking this!!! It is total drama isn't it!?! I truly intended to walk away from him for my husband. But I am still struggling every single day and its been nearly two months. I fantasize about waiting for him after work someday and seeing his face when he walked out to his car to find me there.

It has taken every bit of strength I have to not contact him. It is so incredibly difficult. But I cannot sneak around. My integrity is about all I have left right now.
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  #25  
Old 02-04-2011, 09:44 PM
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I'm waiting with baited breath for you to figure it out carma.

I just read on another thread about not following mainstream and to not own one another blah blah blah... I wish it were as easy as just that. I wish it were possible to just throw my hands in the air and do what the hell one wants and have all expectations of being actively loved regardless. Thing is everyone has to be on board with that. I think there need to be an alternate plan. But what?

I guess fear comes into play as does experience and just being plain tired. Eventually in life the pain that is caused by just doing whatever is harder to stand than the dull ache of sucking it up. Time tells whether or not the choice is worth it.
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  #26  
Old 02-04-2011, 10:03 PM
monolicious monolicious is offline
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Thanks for the thoughtful replies.

I said I feel sad because he doesn't love all of me. I know there are parts that you love people in spite of, but this feels more like a part he really hates and resents. He said he loves all of me, even this part. I said I'm confused because you'd leave me over a part of me you love. His response... I'm sorry its confusing to you.
I think it is really unfair to say that his struggle with this indicates he doesn't love all of you.

Do you love all of him, even his mono-part? How are you showing love to that part? Isn't this entire post about how you hate and resent what his mono parts are asking of you? That it is unfair, and hurts you. What about his hurt and sense of betrayal that he was very honest long ago in telling you "I won't ever be able to handle you being poly" and yet that is exactly where you have gone. Was that showing love for his monogamous needs?

Loving someone for all that they are, and being compatible with them relationally are not the same thing.

Your husband loves you, but that doesn't magically transform him into poly anymore than your love for him magically kept you from acting on poly.

I hope you will remove that double-standard out of the process with him.

I know, for me, I would find that lack of insight deeply hurtful.
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  #27  
Old 02-04-2011, 10:16 PM
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Well there's the toughest part, I think -- the compromising! Just because you love someone unconditionally does that mean you have to accept everything they do? Sometimes I wonder if my mono husband can really handle this -- is it too much to ask of him? But I guess that is his decision to make. Would he be happier without me in his life, or would he rather work on accepting things about me he wishes were different?

I can accept the fact that he is mono, but how does that work -- I can't be mono right now; I can't pretend to be something I'm not, in order to make him happy.... because ultimately, how could that make him happy???

Whew! I confuse myself, even!
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  #28  
Old 02-04-2011, 10:40 PM
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Well there's the toughest part, I think -- the compromising!

Everything below is my opinion and is not meant to be a generalization

Mono poly is an endless struggle of trying to love while trying to be loveable. When we give it hurts us...when we take it hurts us. Mono and Poly give, Mono and Poly take....the cycle continues and until one partner becomes completely ok with the nature of the other or they exist in a constant state of compromise....never fully giving thier heart to mitigate the pain of having it broke. We have a difference in how love works for us; the mono feels and gives more love when it is expressed to them the same way they express it, the poly's love grows as it is expanded to others. When neither is fully able to share love the way they are designed to we end up loving less.

Sometimes it is worth it.
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  #29  
Old 02-04-2011, 10:57 PM
monolicious monolicious is offline
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I can accept the fact that he is mono, but how does that work -- I can't be mono right now; I can't pretend to be something I'm not, in order to make him happy.... because ultimately, how could that make him happy???

Whew! I confuse myself, even!
You accept the fact that he is mono, and yet you made decisions to compromise your mono relationship with him. So, what does "accepting mono" mean in this case?

I heard you saying that "accepting" his mono meant telling him he didn't love all of you because he was mono and doesn't know if he can be poly. How is that any different than you not loving all of him by embracing poly.

Can he pretend to be poly in order to make you happy? Sounds like he was trying to for a while, hoping he could, but ultimately (at this point) he can't.

Poly=complicated.

I wish you both happiness and love.
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  #30  
Old 02-05-2011, 04:02 AM
midwestmama midwestmama is offline
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Monolicious, at first I got defensive about your response, but I waited and thought for a little bit and I think you are correct. I was in drama mode when I wrote that part. My husband loves me. This I do know. Since he was saying he just wanted his wife back, the wife that didn't have feelings for other people, I felt like he no longer felt the same about me. But it was an unfair statement for me to attribute feelings for him.

I do feel I have been very supportive of him. He used to be in a band, I didn't like it. It isn't a very family friendly life. But I didn't request he stop it, I didn't insist he stay away from the friends that were not what I'd like as our friends. I supported him. I went to his shows, I was friendly and polite towards his friends. Now he's in grad school. He also works full time plus. School and work are in different towns, school an hour away. I dislike it and wished he could spend more time at home with our children. but, I tend to the house and kids because he enjoys his career and furthering it with his education is important to him. And I love seeing his sense of pride and accomplishment from this (and its much better than the band!!!) Those aren't the same as falling for someone, true. But I don't feel that I have ignored his needs and wants through our life together.

I don't honestly believe he is mono, at least not in the mono this forum tends to use. We are swingers and he greatly enjoys having sex with multiple women, some of them on many repeated times. He has made comments over a period of many months about really liking this friend of ours and joking about being her boyfriend. However, if he is mono, I am supportive of that. And by that I mean, I am not going to try to make him take a girlfriend so I can say "see, you get it, now I do too" I am glad that he feels complete and satisfied with only me, if that is correct. I am happy that he feels happy and complete, in whatever it is that makes him happy and complete.

He has been honest and open at therapy about all of this and I am very grateful for this. I hope so dearly that it works.
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