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  #1  
Old 06-05-2013, 12:13 PM
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RiverRose RiverRose is offline
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Unhappy Just been dumped for the first time

Hi guys,

Any tips on how to get myself through my first ever instance of being dumped in a poly situation?

Kim xxx.
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Old 06-05-2013, 01:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm so sorry.... breaking up never feels fun.

Give it time. The stages of grief/acceptance are different for everyone and depending on the length/depth of the relationship that is now lost, you could spend different amounts of time there.

Keeping your basics tended to (eating well, sleeping well, daily routines, etc) will help get you through the days.

Do you have close friends or family you could share the story with? Or feel the inclination to write it out in a journal? Sometimes sharing and unburdening to trusted people helps.

Night is sometimes the hardest because in the quiet the brain starts thinking things-- do you have a pal you can call if you need a touch up convo in the night?

Hang in there!
Galagirl
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Old 06-05-2013, 02:48 PM
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RiverRose RiverRose is offline
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Thank you Galagirl,

It's good to know I can talk to people on here. Sadly we are not out to friends and family so I cannot confide in them. My husband is there for me, and I have a beautiful little baby boy who cheers me up.

The relationship was thankfully not of very long duration, but I really liked the guy. What hurt most was the deception. He told me he had been in open relationships before, and seemed ok with the whole set-up. Then he turned around and told me that he was looking for a relationship, and that if he found one he would have to end things with me. He claimed that he was ending things now to avoid hurting me in the future, but I have just ended up feeling like some sort of stepping stone or stop-gap.

I have written poetry in the past so maybe I will try to write some new poetry now.

Kim xxx.
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Old 06-05-2013, 03:12 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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I'm so sorry this happened. I guess it is better now than later, but I understand how the deception made it so difficult. Taking time to do things you like will help distract you. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 06-05-2013, 03:22 PM
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RiverRose RiverRose is offline
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Thank you LadySFI

Kim xxx.
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Old 06-05-2013, 04:06 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverRose View Post
He told me he had been in open relationships before, and seemed ok with the whole set-up.
Ouch. That sounds pretty painful.

The word 'seemed' does make me wonder though, had you talked things through in detail or did you make assumptions? It can be hard, especially when NRE kicks in, to ask tough questions.

Time does heal, but that is of scant consolation sometimes when you are hurting...
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Old 06-05-2013, 04:50 PM
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RiverRose RiverRose is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by northhome View Post
The word 'seemed' does make me wonder though, had you talked things through in detail or did you make assumptions? It can be hard, especially when NRE kicks in, to ask tough questions.
I probably am guilty of that to a certain extent. I did ask him about the nature of his open relationships. Perhaps I should have enquired a bit further, but I didn't want to frighten him off.

The thing that brought this about was that he hardly ever contacted me (always me contacting him), so I began to wonder if he was actually interested in me. I was worried that maybe he didn't want an open relationship set-up at this time, so offered to just be friends or whatever. He stated categorically that he still wanted to see me. Then days later he sprung this, before saying that he thought I was an awesome person and he still wanted to see me.

I am best off out of it, I know. He is likely best off out of it too. At least this way, he can search for the relationship he wants.

Kim xxx.
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Old 06-05-2013, 05:00 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverRose View Post
Then he turned around and told me that he was looking for a relationship, and that if he found one he would have to end things with me. He claimed that he was ending things now to avoid hurting me in the future, but I have just ended up feeling like some sort of stepping stone or stop-gap.
IV has told me stories of encountering this a number of times. I'm not sure if it is people maliciously lying or if they just misunderstand how 'open' they really are due to intense NRE feelings. Who knows.

Either way, breaking off a relationship sucks and there's not really anything I'm aware of to fix it. The link GG put up about dealing with grief I'm sure has some tidbits... but in the end it's just pain and it'll pass sooner than you imagine.

Not being 'out' is a particular bummer. You don't have any friends you trust enough to discuss your relationships with?
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  #9  
Old 06-05-2013, 05:26 PM
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RiverRose RiverRose is offline
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He probably wasn't maliciously lying. He just had these doubts and chose to hide them. It was when he said he still wanted to see me, that I felt like a stop-gap. His idea was that he would only see me until he met someone he really liked. Oh well, I have learnt a few valuable lessons from this, so it's not all bad.

I do have friends, but I don't think I would have them for long if I revealed myself to be polyamorous. Small town valleys over here in Wales, like small town America.

Kim xxx.
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  #10  
Old 06-05-2013, 10:40 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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I'm sorry to hear it. I won't go into the whole story here but you can easily find it by searching my posts; just over two months ago, I experienced a drawn-out and traumatic end to a two-year relationship. It's been devastating. Time really does seem to be the only thing that helps much - I'm not curled up on one of my couches alternately crying and staring at the wall every day anymore, but it still hurts a lot.

I've been trying to go out when I can, spend time with friends, make time for myself, and avoid things that will trigger feelings of hurt, abandonment and resentment (like old messages and photos.) It's difficult in different ways every day, but I'm getting through it (I really have no choice.)

I hope that things will become easier for you, and I know how hard it can be to experience something like this when you're not out to friends or family. Some of my friends noticed that I was very sad, and assumed that my husband and I were getting a divorce. So I've had to do some explaining.
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