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  #11  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:34 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Yeah I figured this is a previous poster who is "hiding" under a new screen name or some one who had a prior one. Just wanted to point out it is tough to know which unicorn hunter she is if she doesn't own it. I have an idea who it is but I do not want to assume.

This whole situation is why quite a few people in the poly community strongly dislike unicorn hunting. We see this over and over. Yet like teenagers who think their parents know nothing, those who have more experience are just seen as mean.
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Last edited by Dagferi; 06-04-2013 at 11:52 AM. Reason: stupid autocorrect
  #12  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:45 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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OMG, how DARE she have a preference in partners!! How DARE she decide how to spend her time and who with!! Does she not understand that she alone must put in the work to make sure everything is always equal?? That the couple must come first in all things and if she is upsetting one of them even a bit she will be booted??

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop it! I am so tired of established couples constantly blaming their third for a break up, constantly talking about how THEY aren't meeting the needs of the full couple the way they should, THEY aren't communication the way they should when it all boils down to the couple not getting what it wants when it wants how it wants. Then the couple goes on their merry way complaining about this third that hurt them and their family soooooo much and if they could just find a decent third then it would all be fine! But nothing is wrong with the couple that is pouting because they don't get to play with the new shiny as much as they want and when they want. THIS is why established couples like myself and DH end up getting all this passive aggressive crap from people. I don't blame them, if this is all they see of established couples in poly so PLEASE PLEASE stop giving the rest of us a bad name by behaving like spoiled children with a toy to share!

PS totally clicked to see your other posts before I posted the first time, there were none. Changing usernames to hide that all you've done is bitch about this third person not being fair to YOU is not going to make you look better.
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  #13  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:58 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Eh you know, I see a lot of couples bashing when it comes to triads. It gets a little overblown now and then. I've seen plenty of supposed unicorns who talk a good talk about triads too only to have a lasso hidden behind their backs and aren't so much bisexual as they are "hee hee, I've never had sex with a woman unless there is a cock in the mix".
Folks - they aren't always little victims being bounced back and forth by a thoughtless couple. They, just like people in other relationships, don't always communicate clear even when spoken to directly and respectfully. Sometimes they even GASP! lie to get their own thoughtless wants met in the moment.
  #14  
Old 06-04-2013, 12:00 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I don't have first hand knowledge of the OP's situation

So I can't say,

However it is perfectly reasonable to only be open to people who are willing to spend time all together. In fact all of the practicing "poly" people that I know have fairly close relationships with their partner's lovers.

Where it gets unreasonable is to try and force close friendships, or force sex to happen in threesomes.

I know plenty of married people who are non-monogamous, but do not live separate lives. Because they do some much together, which is of course their choice, because they spend so little time apart, neither of them would ever be able to have a healthy relationship as any sort of a hinge. The only way for that to happen is where the two metamours may not be involved with each other, but because they are always in each other's presence it is necessary they tolerate each other.

There are certainly many ways that the situation could be worked, manipulated by a couple which would very much be abuse, however the mere use of words like "US" does not mean anything.

It doesn't mean they feel entitled to anything, it doesn't mean they abusive or blind to said abuse. Anytime a relationship ends people are going to be hurt, and not talk about their lovers in flattering ways, but that doesn't automatically put married people in a box anywhere but here in the poly unicorn haters club.

The might not ever have their triad, and if they ever do, yes it will likely be much different than what they imagined, but just because a married couple isn't exclusive, doesn't mean the must form no metamour contact vees, or else be labeled as abusive unicorn hunters.

I can understand when it's personal and people get over protective of the friends (and for good reason, I would do the same things for my friends if they were treated in abusive ways) but I think it's mistake to brand all non-monogamous married couples as having flawed viewpoints or that they must be oblivious to their abusive behavior


I tried to PM you Jetta, but you have this site's messages capabilities turned off. I hope it wasn't because you were getting nasty accusatory emails, and if you did, they are only pointing out how easy it is to inadvertently treat the third in ways that are abusive, that you really must be extremely self aware to avoid it. The second you let your guard down and begin looking at the dynamic as US and her, it is damn near inevitable to slip into a dynamic that isn't healthy for the third person in your relationship.

And using language such as "she wouldn't talk to US" is a common language used by people who exhibit the "couples privilege" they are speaking of, which usually leads to a devastated woman being dropped from the couple's lives at the drop of a hat.

What they are saying is that it is much more likely to you'll find other people whom you can date separately.

But there too, fifteen years ago doing that was frowned upon almost as viciously, except they weren't called unicorns hunters and it wasn't the couple who were villianized, it was the unicorn, but back then they called them cowboys and cowgirls.

Sometimes trends are inevitable, and interesting enough, cyclic

Hang in there Jetta, you are obviously hurting. Remember non of you is enjoying these stressful times, be patient with other, and listen to each other, if you honestly have drastically different views, it doesn't matter who is right or wrong or if anyone is being more unreasonable than the other, if how you feel, and everyone here could agree or disagree with you and it wouldn't make things any better.

If you care about each other, you will realize you are hurting each other and see that if you cannot stop yourselves from engaging in that, you need to go your separate ways

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-04-2013 at 12:17 PM. Reason: typo
  #15  
Old 06-04-2013, 12:16 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
only to have a lasso hidden behind their backs and aren't so much bisexual as they are "hee hee, I've never had sex with a woman unless there is a cock in the mix".

In this case Vinccenzo even without the knowledge of the OPs previous username and story, the OP here is more than enough evidence that there is a great deal of entitlement in the OPs attitude. This is not about the few cowboys/girls and all these (apparently) fake bisexuals anyway.

Why is it when a woman says 'I actually don't fancy the wife' they are 'not really bisexual'? How dare anyone tell someone else what their sexuality is.
Bisexuality is expressed in many different ways and sometimes there just isn't enough chemistry with that one person. It doesn't mean they are not 'bi enough' compared to the woman who wants her, who must therefore be 'more bi'. Gah!

And please can we get newbies to stop advertising themselves as 'very bi' I swear I want to commit homicide every frickin time I see it!!!!!!
(sorry, I just saw it again this morning and feeling a little enraged)
  #16  
Old 06-04-2013, 01:23 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Who is the op? It sounds a lot like the AZTriad's story. How are we supposed to read their other posts if they don't want us to know who they are? Does not make sense.
  #17  
Old 06-04-2013, 02:03 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I just read over those posts

they are both triads that sound as if they aren't working out.



but not sure what you mean by this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Who is the op? It sounds a lot like the AZTriad's story. How are we supposed to read their other posts if they don't want us to know who they are? Does not make sense.

are you aware of the personal details? it would certainly make a difference, both posters sound emotionally distraught. While some replies seem to understand that she would make a better decisions if she weren't so distraught, others sound hell bent on antagonizing the OP with word plays and debates routines such as the ole, wait a minute I am confused type rhetorical questions, stated for effect but not for clear communication.

sort of like the question I quoted in this reply, was that a rhetorical question?

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-04-2013 at 02:07 PM. Reason: typos
  #18  
Old 06-04-2013, 02:06 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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No, not rhetorical. The OP specifically asked us to read her other posts to fully understand, but there are no other posts under this ID. So not rhetorical, just catching the OP in some sort of game of identity swap.

Also, not antagonizing, fed up. If all your language is about how things aren't fair for you and talking of another person, triad or not, like they are property you are going to annoy people!
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  #19  
Old 06-04-2013, 02:09 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Dirt it was to point out that you can't say if you read my other posts to back your point if you are hiding behind a different screen name.
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  #20  
Old 06-04-2013, 02:22 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I see that now

If the poster if trying to post her story again under another screen name, they are obviously not feeling heard.

To be honest I often feel that there are many accounts that are created for reasons other then honestly coming here for advice, as if they were trying to prove a point or embarrass another user.

This poster sounded genuine to me, upset about a real life situation? yes but I didn't sense any ulterior motive or underlying meaning

But I think I am reading too far into it, and all I know is for sure is this is sort of a polarizing topic, You are trying help, and so I am, we just see it from different viewpoints. Perhaps I am viewing it from an outdated reference, it's because I do not any couples in intimate, close, healthy relationships that keep their relationships so segregated as what people suggest here. The poly people I know would call you a cowboy/girl, and be treated with equal disdain. I do not not see the problems labelled as unicorn hunting in real life so I don't understand when on this board it's frowned on to the extent all couples who use one or two catch phrases get dirted for saying "US" to reference themselves in the relationship


Maybe I am reading the words with malice that is not actually there

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-04-2013 at 04:47 PM.
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