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  #1  
Old 06-03-2013, 08:55 PM
jetta9502 jetta9502 is offline
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Unhappy Well it's over

Well looks like its over Im feeling mad and sad at the same time. She says she needs time. how long do we wait to give her time? I cant, I cant do it. We need to do what is best for me, my husband, and children. I'm not going to wait around and then we get back together and who knows if it happens again. I cant do that. I havnt been feeling it for a bit but tried to work it out. So through chat (between him and her of course) she ended it with us. and honestly I am ok. sill mad and sad but ok. I need someone that is going to love both of us not just one. someone that talks to me and communicates with me. not communicate through him all the time. She says she wants to talk. but she wants to talk one at a time. NO! because this is whats gonna happen. she is gonna talk to him and then I am never get to talk to her. but she says she will not talk to us both together. I am so pissed. I think its bullshit. so am I wrong for saying that we should all have this talk together? whatever. I am so done with her and all this bullshit. I just wanna move on.
  #2  
Old 06-03-2013, 09:14 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I would start looking at posts tagged unicorn, triad, unicorn hunters, that kind of thing. Sadly, this is not at all uncommon and part of that is the unrealistic expectations put on the third party. Already in this one post you have shown that this is a situation you view as having failed because of HER. That you want someone that will love you BOTH. Equally? All the time? The fact that she wanted to treat you as two individuals was wrong? You want it all a united front? YOU+HIM and her. It doesn't work that way. If you can't be two individuals, then I wouldn't want to date you either. Start reading up, figure out how this looks from a third party point of view. You may not mean to, but you have probably not been fair to a third party at all.
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  #3  
Old 06-03-2013, 10:43 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Vixtoria took the words out of my mouth.

Good luck with that selfish couple privileged stance.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
  #4  
Old 06-04-2013, 12:18 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Read this: So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter?
  #5  
Old 06-04-2013, 12:21 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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http://www.multiplematch.com/2012/11...ple-privilege/
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
  #6  
Old 06-04-2013, 12:34 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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From Dagferi's link:
Quote:
…the perfect Frankenstein’s Poly Bride
I love it.
  #7  
Old 06-04-2013, 01:51 AM
jetta9502 jetta9502 is offline
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I encourage you to look at my other posts. I see us as individuals. the problem is that we are not equal couples within our triad. do u feel that is fair to me that her communication that involves me goes through him? no I don't think it is fair. that they get to have dates and overnight stay with each other and I barely get any of that. im lucky if I get to go out with her just me and her. now these are not the reasons why we broke up. the reason we broke up is because she has a lot of emotional things going on. instead of communication with us that this is whats going on she shut down and ultimately broke things off. there was some stuff going on the past couple days and instead of telling us hey I need some space she wouldn't talk to us. that's not ok to me. poly is about being open and communicating. if she would of said hey I got a lot of stuff going on in my head right now I need to figure out, and I need some alone time. we would of been like ok no problem. but she doesn't communicate. espically with me. he went and talked to her and she was suppose to come over and me and her were gonna talk, but it doesn't look like shes coming over. which saddens me because I really want to talk to her. I don't really know whats gonna happen. but I guess we shall see
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Old 06-04-2013, 01:56 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jetta9502 View Post
. . . they get to have dates and overnight stay with each other and I barely get any of that.
Why should you? Get your own damn girlfriend. Sheesh. The woman wants to fuck who she wants to fuck and it isn't you. Get over it!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
  #9  
Old 06-04-2013, 02:18 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jetta9502 View Post
I encourage you to look at my other posts. I see us as individuals.
What other posts? Your post count is 2.

Quote:
the problem is that we are not equal couples within our triad. do u feel that is fair to me that her communication that involves me goes through him?
You allowed that to happen. Did you ever go to her and say we need to talk?

Quote:
no I don't think it is fair. that they get to have dates and overnight stay with each other and I barely get any of that. im lucky if I get to go out with her just me and her.
Again did you speak your mind? Or did you sit and pout? You needed to go to your husband and put your foot down and come to an agreeable outcome.

Quote:
now these are not the reasons why we broke up. the reason we broke up is because she has a lot of emotional things going on. instead of communication with us that this is whats going on she shut down and ultimately broke things off. there was some stuff going on the past couple days and instead of telling us hey I need some space she wouldn't talk to us.
Maybe she is like me and needs time to process in her own mind what is going on. I can not talk about things until I am sure where I stand personally. I am also a very private person.. I prefer to talk one on one with each person involved in the issue. If it is my own problem then I like to work through it solo. My boyfriend is like me and understands. My husband wants to talk about everything and there is times I would like to glue his friggin mouth shut so I can process things my own way. Maybe she doesn't feel safe coming to talk to you all. Who wants to face a tribunal when you are scared or hurting

Quote:
that's not ok to me. poly is about being open and communicating. if she would of said hey I got a lot of stuff going on in my head right now I need to figure out, and I need some alone time. we would of been like ok no problem. but she doesn't communicate. espically with me.
Maybe she can't stand you or maybe she didn't want to talk to you yet or ever.

Quote:
he went and talked to her and she was suppose to come over and me and her were gonna talk, but it doesn't look like shes coming over. which saddens me because I really want to talk to her. I don't really know whats gonna happen. but I guess we shall see
Now why did he go and talk with her YOU YES YOU should have went to talk to her solo if you wanted to talk. Seems like you either are using your husband as a puppet to filter your messages to her. Any of us old folks who played the game of telephone know how that can end. OR you husband is twisting her story when relaying it to you.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
  #10  
Old 06-04-2013, 10:21 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
What other posts? Your post count is 2.
She has been on here under a different username. My guess is that she either deleted her other account or just doesn't want a whole lot of 'I told you so's' from people who had been following her story (myself included) whose advice she sought but never listened to.

From the outset she has been told to let go of expectations, to communicate her needs directly and be more proactive with her girlfriend, to work on being more secure she was told that the girlfriend is not that much into her and perhaps she should seek alternatives?

And as we see by this OP, it is all to no avail, despite her history on here she comes back with this typical blame the 'other' attitude of how the "third" is not living up to the pre-set expectations of having to engage with the couple in exactly the same way (even though the OP communicates almost entirely through her husband when she has trouble with connecting to the girlfriend).

Alas, I doubt she will come back and absorb the multiple failings in her behaviour, the girlfriend might change her mind because she is clearly attached the husband but I am sure the OP will try to attach conditions on this girlfriend regarding forcing communication, time and intimacy with her in an attempt to keep the triad going despite the fact that this girlfriend clearly does not want her and the OP just simply doesn't have the confidence to let it go................

Sad, sad, situation and people wonder why I am always such a hardass about Unicorn Hunting??? Foh Realz?
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