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  #1  
Old 06-03-2013, 11:51 AM
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castle33 castle33 is offline
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Default fighting "metamours" DnD argument

hi gang. been awhile since I posted. i'll make it fast. my husband, a good male friend, and I all play DnD. yesterday hubby and friend (i'll call him the dark knight) got into a battle of pride and game rules. this fight has been brewing for a few weeks now. I love my husband and I care deeply for the dark knight. I wanted to have the knight as a boyfriend but things never turn out the way we want right? I have settled for a non sexual "omg I heart you" friendship with the knight and the hubby and the knight both know this.

my problem is that I feel my husband was in the wrong, even though the rule book of the game is on his side. I could care less about what they were fighting over (super tower shield vs. hit points and what not) but I hated being in the middle. I want to support my husband but I also want my knight to feel as if he is safe to DM the way he chooses. I know I sound like a super geek but I don't know how to let my husband know i'm with him even though I don't agree with his choices and at the same time be there for the knight as he deals with not always getting what he wants.

how do you guys deal with issues like this? not the gaming but disagreements in general. basically two men fighting over something small but it really being about more than just a game. the knight is angry because our DnD group is turning on him and the hubby is upset because he wants to "put the knight in his place".

at this point they are still both standing on their soap boxes and I just want them to calm down and remember that we are all playing because it's fun and we like each other.

how can I tell them both that I am on their sides without starting a war?

I know it seems simple and geek like but gaming is what brings us all together. it is what we do. I love them both and just need help mediating.

does this even make sense.

a little history: I am poly, been poly for years and years. my husband is polyminded and still new to this. the dark knight knows nothing about poly stuff but has remained my friend even though he knows I like him but he is not interested in exploring anything at this time. maybe never (i'm okay with that). I will say that seeing them get all puffy with each other turns me on but only if I know they both care enough to still be friends and continue gaming together. I don't think the hubby realizes how hurt I would be if the knight were to be pushed away.

*end rant*

thoughts???
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  #2  
Old 06-03-2013, 01:42 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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My thoughts are stay out of it. It's not your place to solve their issues. If you're uncomfortable listening to the disagreement leave the room.
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Old 06-03-2013, 02:13 PM
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castle33 castle33 is offline
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miss derby. I tried that...sort of. not really... okay, i'm an idiot

about a week before the fight yesterday I knew shit was a' brewin'. I told them both if they were going to fight about it then at least make if fun for me. i.e. shirts off, pool full of jello, you get the point. while sitting at the table and playing, they were both pissed and I made a silly comment about shirts and jello and hubby snapped. he said I was instigating. maybe I was, I am not sure yet. I just wanted to keep things fun and not so serious.

oh god, men and DnD... both guys were not in the mood for my jokes so I got up, started dinner and smoked with a cigg. I let them both be asses and the knight finished the mission and left without eating. the hubby went and did his thing. he checked to see if I was okay (cool points to hubby) but I was still a bit sad. things are okay now. I just wanted to know if this is what happens when multiple people come together for one reason or another (poly game freaks). how do I fit in when it comes to fights? so far, I have stayed out of it. I have checked and talked with both men to see how they are feeling about it all. looks like they are moving on but still waiting for our next mission to kill the crap out of each other. progress? i'm not sure, but it makes it fun. at least we are still on to play this weekend.

thanks for reading.
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Old 06-03-2013, 02:51 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Is this the biggest or only thing you people fight about? I'd say you have it better than most people. Have you ever had any REAL problems in your relationship(s)? Like you know, illness, injury, financial hardship? I think you need some perspective and maybe should go for a walk or something more often. A REAL walk, OUTSIDE, by yourself or with people, not part of a d&d scenario.

tl;dr #First-world problems
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Old 06-03-2013, 03:06 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Definitely definitely stay out of it. I'm a geek gamer myself, and I know that our kind get WAY too serious about this sort of thing, poly dynamics aside. There's really nothing you can do that won't either make things worse between them, make them mad at you, or both. You can tell them, kindly, privately, and separately that you dont like their behavior, but dont take sides.

"I told them both if they were going to fight about it then at least make if fun for me. i.e. shirts off, pool full of jello, you get the point."

How would you feel if your guy was in love with another woman, and you had a problem with her, and he made that same joke? I bet you'd feel objectified, belittled, and pissed.
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Old 06-03-2013, 03:10 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Actually, my advice is to sit them both down, explain that you think they are bringing other issues into D&D and it's ruining it for everyone! Let them know they need to leave personal issues at the door or end up destroying the entire group.

I speak from D&D poly experience. Before DH and I knew what poly was we met a couple. We loved the couple we became like best friends and then more. There were jokes about being married all four of us. We played D&D. We had fun. Then we found out, the hard way, that the woman of the other couple had rules we were not made privy to. Specifically, when sexual things went on she HAD to be there. Most of the time she was. Hell she was the center of attention. (Yep me sitting naked in a corner bored and cold while two men pleasured her till she passed out. End game.) She even got to sexually play with her partner and mine while I wasn't around or made aware. Yet, one time her bf came over to have dinner with us and there was some making out. she didn't handle it well. She made catty comments the entire game, I was being ripped apart and had no idea why! The entire group knew something was up and had no idea what I had done or what had caused her to suddenly hate me. We tried for a sit down talk all four of us and got no where. As far as she was concerned she had been feeling insecure so was valid in ripping me apart and felt no need to apologize. I was heart sick. The group broke up because I could not go back and play. I just couldn't. Hubby at first felt things would work better if I just 'got over it' and people could be friends again. Later, years later, when he visited them and found that she STILL refused to 'forgive' me or apologize for her own behavior, he gave up and apologized to me for taking their side against me.


TL;DR = Talk to them both tell them to play the game and keep personal out of it, or risk destroying the game forever and losing the group and friends. Dick measuring contests aren't part of D&D
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Old 06-03-2013, 06:54 PM
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castle33 castle33 is offline
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@boring guy... you get nothing.

@everyone else. staying out of it was the best option. I do, however, have a hard time believing that when two men I both care for fight I am just supposed to act like nothing is wrong. this time it was just a gamer's fight but what happens when it is a fight over something more serious?


also, my husband and I have been up and down with each other. we started gaming together so that we have some common ground. it is what repaired our relationship. for some gaming is just a hobby. for us, it has been a way to find the love we lost. so, yeah.... it's a pretty big fucking deal in my house.

the guys had a chance to talk face to face today and all is well. I am no longer worried about how things will turn out. I am still learning how to make our relationship run smooth and as clean as it can. please do not judge me for this. thank you all for reading and sharing. except boring guy. he has no idea who he is talking to. I would go outside but it has been raining in Germany now for three weeks straight. DnD and MTG are the only things keeping us all sane right now. I say this as a true rain lover.
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Old 06-03-2013, 07:03 PM
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castle33 castle33 is offline
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@ Annabel
I would feel awesome. i'm not one of those folks that get all worked up about sexism. I get your point and I do understand that most people may feel the same as you but if the situation were in reverse I would have gladly fought it out over jello and mud. I would have filmed it and made money off of it. porn is good for me.
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Old 06-03-2013, 09:00 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
I would go outside but it has been raining in Germany now for three weeks straight. DnD and MTG are the only things keeping us all sane right now. I say this as a true rain lover.
Don't they have umbrellas in Germany? I ask this as a fellow true rain lover.

Rain is not just water. It can also be a great excuse to stay indoors and fight about d&d.
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  #10  
Old 06-03-2013, 09:07 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by castle33 View Post
@ Annabel
I would feel awesome. i'm not one of those folks that get all worked up about sexism. I get your point and I do understand that most people may feel the same as you but if the situation were in reverse I would have gladly fought it out over jello and mud. I would have filmed it and made money off of it. porn is good for me.
You need to have Gala Girl explain the so-called "platinum rule" to you. It's something about not bringing your partner coffee the way YOU like it, but the way THEY like it.

But i'm not surprised you can't see that if your entire marriage is held together by a fantasy role play game.
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