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Old 05-31-2013, 04:22 PM
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KittenPuff KittenPuff is offline
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Default Hubs & his gf: good news/troubling news

This is long, so skip to the end for the TL/DR version...

So, I had dinner last night with my husband and his girlfriend. It went well. I really like her and she seems to like me, too. This is grand. We seem to be off to a good start with our V arrangement, which is nice because it is his and my first experience with poly at all. He told me it was novel for her, too, because she has not been in a relationship where she and the wife have wanted to meet or get to know much about each other.

We all drove separately so I left first to allow them some time together. They just started dating and are enjoying some intense NRE that is surprising to both of them as well as the others in their kink/poly community who know them. I am surprised at how OK I am with this intense connection they seem to have with each other--there is a little jealousy on my part, but more because I am sad for me that I don't have someone to spend time with and less because my husband is happy. I admit there is a little bit of not-good-enough feeling on my part, but I own that as my issue and I definitely have compersion for them. The feels, they are complex.

Anyway, he was gone a lot longer after dinner than I thought he would be, but I was ok with that. I live with him; she doesn't get to see him much. But when he got home he apologized for being so late and said they'd had a long conversation because he is struggling with the thought that she will still be dating other men. Again, we are totally new to poly and he wasn't sure if he could handle it and apparently still isn't. He knows intellectually that it's right for her to date others, and it's fair for her to ask him to share her when she and I are sharing him. But he has some jealousy around it and she is worried that if she just has my husband, she will get unhealthily attached to him. I am conflicted about even knowing this information because it feels very personal about her, but I also know that communication is vital and I feel like she and I should know how the other feels because our feelings about him and this relationship have the potential to affect all of us. And since he is the hinge, it comes down to him to make sure that communication is happening. When she and I know each other better, perhaps we can have these conversations between us and I will know what she is comfortable sharing with me and vice versa. This is complicated. I try to keep private conversations private and it's difficult to tell here what should be shared and what shouldn't.

I have gotten good advice and feedback here, so I am here to ask if there is any way I can help him with these feelings or is he just on his own to figure this stuff out. I have moments of jealousy but I am usually good about rethinking a situation until I can feel better about it. He doesn't seem to be able to do that. I don't know if I can teach him or if he's even interested in learning.

I honestly feel a little guilty about sharing so much about their feelings and concerns, but I would like some insight from some more experienced poly peeps and details are needed in order to present the situation. I have no idea if anyone who sees this will know who we are or not. I hope I haven't overstepped any confidences as that is not my intention. I don't even know if hubs and gf are on this forum...

TL/DR: Hubs is struggling with the thought of his new gf dating other men. I am dealing amazingly well with him dating her. Can I help him work through his feelings and if so, how?
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Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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Old 06-02-2013, 05:22 PM
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Does no one have any insight here? or did I break some kind of rule I don't know about and I'm now being shunned? or am I just a clueless noob and I need to figure this out by myself? I'm embarrassed and want to delete this post because I'm afraid I shared too much, but I can't figure out if that's even possible. Can someone help me with that?
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Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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Old 06-02-2013, 05:29 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Calm down, maybe no one has the appropriate experience, I know I don't.
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Old 06-02-2013, 05:40 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I honestly don't think it's possible to share too much as long as you don't provide any identifying details, which you didn't. We're all strangers scattered across the globe with no hope of ever finding out who you really are or affecting your real lives... so what's there to be embarrassed about? It's ok. And I can promise that no one is shunning you, if people thought you'd said something dumb, they wouldn't hesitate to say so, people are very straightforward here.

That said, yeah, no real advice except that it's incumbent on him to work this out. It's REALLY not fair of him to let his insecurities stand in the way of her having the same freedom he does, to have more than one partner, especially when she's expressed that she thinks it would be the more emotionally healthy thing for her. Encourage him to read the stuff on jealousy at www.morethantwo.com or at many other excellent sources, and help talk him through how you learned that loving someone who also loves someone else doesn't take away from what you have.
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Old 06-02-2013, 05:47 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default For what it's worth

It really depends on what kind of support your husband wants from you. I know in my relationship with MD, when she started showing interest in her ex and we were still together, I just needed space to work through my feelings. I knew my hubs was there if I needed to talk through something, but journaling was my best help. I also had a friend I talked to who was very helpful. I just felt uncomfortable dumping my relationship issues onto my husband. He was willing-but it just wasn't helpful for me.
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Old 06-02-2013, 06:46 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Hi KittenPuff,

not all threads get replies, sometimes people who would be just the ones to have insight for you on a particular matter, are absent from the boards for a while. Keep posting and asking, I also don't think you over shared at all!

as to your question: from my own personal experience I would say it's best to let the 2 of them deal with this on their own. It's their relationship. If your husband comes to you and wants to talk, you talk - if not, let him figure things out at his own pace. Everyone does these things differently and processes differently.
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Old 06-03-2013, 01:00 AM
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Thanks, everybody. I appreciate the feedback. I know everybody doesn't check everything every day. It's just hard when the internet is my only friend (at least as far as this situation is concerned) and I can't get a response right away. I waited, but I just couldn't believe NOBODY had anything to offer. Then I feel childish for posting again, but I guess it worked.

I'll direct him to the More Than Two site again. I've told him about it, but I have more time to read up on things, since he's out with her and I'm home. However, it would definitely do him some good to make time to do a little research.
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Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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Old 06-03-2013, 03:11 AM
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I disagree that it is his responsibility to ensure that you communicate with her. He can help facilitate, but he shouldn't be responsible. In the end, it's up to you to make sure that happens.

Your question is how to help someone who has feelings of jealousy or is concerned about becoming jealous. Jealousy is a phobic response. Often it is an irrational fear. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy offers insight in how to convert intellectual knowledge into emotional knowledge. I suggest you check into this resource as well.
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Old 06-03-2013, 04:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigGuy View Post
I disagree that it is his responsibility to ensure that you communicate with her. He can help facilitate, but he shouldn't be responsible. In the end, it's up to you to make sure that happens.

Your question is how to help someone who has feelings of jealousy or is concerned about becoming jealous. Jealousy is a phobic response. Often it is an irrational fear. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy offers insight in how to convert intellectual knowledge into emotional knowledge. I suggest you check into this resource as well.
Thank you. This gives me plenty to think about.

I think what I meant when I said "it comes down to him to make sure that communication is happening" is not that this is how it should be, but just how it is right now. But I may have meant it the way you read it. I keep thinking and thinking about all this and I keep changing my mind about what things mean. He is careful to do his part to check in with each of us, but he's not facilitating communications between her and me--I know that's up to her and me. In the same vein, THEY need to talk through THEIR issues with each other and I'm not sure that any of that is any of my business beyond how the results of these discussions will affect me.

To further complicate things, I am introverted when it comes to strangers and I have trouble talking to people I don't know very well and I get the impression that she is similar in that regard. For whatever reason, I feel like it's too early in all this for us to exchange numbers or be Facebook friends. When will it be time to do that? I don't know. I don't know how this works. It takes me years (literally!) to feel comfortable about calling friends I've made on my own unless they call me first. How do I work up the nerve to talk to my husband's girlfriend?

Sadly, he's not likely to consider CBT or any other type of therapy. Perhaps if she suggests it... And I don't know how many therapists in our area and on our insurance plan would be poly friendly. If they can't work this out on their own, I may try to get him to seek professional help. I agree that jealousy is an irrational fear. Sometimes we just have to let go of what we want to happen and hope for the best.
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Asexual woman married to J, a very sexual/kinky man. I'm unemployed and home alone most of the time so I tend to get a little stir crazy.

J and I are completely new to poly and trying it out to get both our needs met without abandoning our relationship, which works tremendously well on every other level.

J has recently started dating L and says he thinks he loves her. I am alternately happy and terrified about it.
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  #10  
Old 06-04-2013, 06:14 AM
london london is offline
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I'd be genuinely worried he wants a monogamous relationship with her.
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