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  #11  
Old 06-04-2013, 01:59 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
There's no lying in Poly!
Well, that's not even remotely true. Unless there are no people involved in a relationship there is always a chance someone is going to be dishonest... which doesn't do anything to change it from being polyamory (or any other relationship arrangement).

Also, I imagined Tom Hanks screaming that in A League of Their Own. "There's no crying in baseball"
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  #12  
Old 06-04-2013, 02:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
. . . I imagined Tom Hanks screaming that in A League of Their Own. "There's no crying in baseball"
Omigosh, I thought the same exact thing when I saw that in Mags's sig.

Great minds...
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #13  
Old 06-04-2013, 02:21 AM
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OP, my take on it is that you don't want to tell your husband what you did NOT because he might "change his mind" and say you can't be with this guy again. Oh no. You didn't tell him because you're afraid that if you have someone else to fuck, your husband will want someone else to fuck, too.

Yes, poly/mono relationships can work, but that is not the way to do it. A poly/mono relationship can only be successful if the mono WANTS monogamy, NOT if they're forbidden from being poly. You will drive your husband to cheat again if you act this way. Said with tough love: you're being selfish and self-centered.

I say stop being so chicken-shit. Confess and talk about how your relationship might evolve into poly where you both might be able to be with other people. Face your fears and you might find they are not so scary after all!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #14  
Old 06-04-2013, 06:16 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default It sounded more like revenge to me

as to why she had been given the green light, but then chose to go ahead and meet secretly. None of US will can ever really know why unless she tells US, and even then if a person isn't "in shape" with honesty (practicing being honest with themselves and those close to them) it is very easy to be conditioned to lie to ourselves and actually believe it. Only she can know the complex recipe of why, "the recipe" being the different aspects why she chose to not disclose, and even then she will only be able to identify the true reason why if she truly knows herself, which isn't as easy as it seems.

She sounds fairly honest with herself to me, hopefully she will come clean with her SO, because when you have even minor secrets such as that one, it eventually becomes all but impossible to treat your partners fairly, as the guilt will eventually manifest by treating your partner harshly, justified by some lame and completely unrelated reason. Like my example of blaming other drivers for me being late to work when the reality is I didn't get up on time. If this secret remains undisclosed, someday you tear him a new asshole because you did him wrong by not being completely honest. But give yourself a break, as he cheated on you. So go easy on yourself today, but if you want a happy healthy relationship that doesn't include being emotionally distant, you need to tell him

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-04-2013 at 06:30 AM. Reason: typos and too long
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  #15  
Old 06-05-2013, 02:20 AM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
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OP here. Okay. Yes, it is completely accurate that I would like to explore poly , in a limited way (ie. with Mike) and am mortified at the thought of my husband being with anybody but me.

That being said, I did tell him, and he was okay with it. I have since seen Mike again, and was honest about that, too. Mike has said that both his girlfriends have expressed an interest in me. I talked to my husband about that, too, and I think I would be okay with him exploring too if I'm part of the exploration.

Toward that end, we're thinking of getting to know them better as a couple, but I don't know where the secondary girlfriend fits in.

Mike and my husband respect each other. This could be interesting if we could figure it out.

We're being honest with each other.
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  #16  
Old 06-05-2013, 05:08 AM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
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Addressing another concern: revenge. Again, total honesty: I think in some part I was hoping it would make him jealous, but it didn't, and I genuinely like Mike, and my husband is genuinely okay with it.

The whole story about the secrecy with Mike to begin with is that he wasn't sure my husband really was okay with it, and his girlfriends didn't think it was a good idea, given where my husband and I were in our relationship. He knew they would be disappointed in him if he went ahead anyway. So, yeah, there's dishonesty there, still.

Not sure where we're going, now. Maybe it'll end tomorrow. Or not. Wish I had a crystal ball!
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  #17  
Old 06-05-2013, 05:52 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"I think I would be okay with him exploring too if I'm part of the exploration."

You may wanna consider the fact that he and one or more of these women may develop feelings for each other, and you then being present/involved/a part of things/whatever may not be such a feasible option any more. These sorts of things can't necessarily be controlled. I would strongly recommend doing whatever you can to get a handle on your jealousy before jumping into new things.

"He knew they would be disappointed in him if he went ahead anyway."

Just wanna reiterate that "I'll keep this important info a secret so as not to upset anyone" is a really, really bad trait in a poly partner. Here's hoping that his tendency to lie rather than show integrity doesn't come back to bite you...
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  #18  
Old 06-05-2013, 02:50 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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The advice here is good. You are used to being mono and you are approaching this with a mono mentality. It is not bad that you want to keep seeing him, it is not bad if you enjoy sex with him. You just need to be open and honest about it.

I had typed quite a bit that reads almost exactly like what nycindie said (glad I went to read some more and saw it). She hit the nail on the head.

Either way, I am glad you decided to share with your husband. Lying in poly makes a giant mess.
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  #19  
Old 06-05-2013, 03:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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There's no lying in poly!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Well, that's not even remotely true. Unless there are no people involved in a relationship there is always a chance someone is going to be dishonest... which doesn't do anything to change it from being polyamory (or any other relationship arrangement).
Come now, Marcus. I thought it was obvious from my other comments I meant there *should* be no lying in poly. Complete ruthless honesty is required to make it work.

Quote:
Also, I imagined Tom Hanks screaming that in A League of Their Own. "There's no crying in baseball"
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Omigosh, I thought the same exact thing when I saw that in Mags's sig.

Great minds...
Well, that is what I was referencing, of course. In the movie, a ball player WAS crying, the coach required her to stop. Same here. Stop lying, even though you already did.
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  #20  
Old 06-05-2013, 05:31 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Come now, Marcus. I thought it was obvious from my other comments I meant there *should* be no lying in poly. Complete ruthless honesty is required to make it work.
There should be no lying in any personal relationships and hopefully not even in professional relationships. I now you weren't saying "if there is lying, it isn't poly".

However there does seem to be an odd confusion regarding poly relationships that open communication and honest are built in...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glossary
Polyamory n 1: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time (2008). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. 2: romantically loving more than one person at a time 3: responsible non-monogamy based on honest open communication and conscious choices
I just wanted to make sure to publicly call bullshit on this front. This last definition and any assumption like it is one particular approach to poly and has exactly nothing to do with what the word actually means.

If these boards have anything to tell, there's plenty of lying in poly just like every other kind of relationship!

OP I'm glad you decided to stop being dishonest. I think you'll find that your relationships will be far less stressful and you'll extend their longevity greatly. There's no lying in healthy relationships!! (see what I did there)
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