Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-29-2013, 07:05 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northeast
Posts: 66
Default Secondary who's newish to poly- where do I fit in?

I'm relatively new to the concepts of polyamory & didn't totally realize fully what is was. I guess I mostly thought it was people who were in unhappy marriages looking for more (which sometimes it is), although not in this case…this guy loves his wife & child a lot. I'm reading Sex at Dawn & am going to start the Ethical Slut (I think the Ethical Lover would be a better title). Apparently Im one which makes a lot of sense now...plus I'm doing as much research as I can (I'm getting a grad degree in Psych). I have always questioned the pitfalls of monogamy, even more so after 2 failed marriages & many failed relationships.

I was in an open marriage a long time ago but we really didn't handle it the right way & it ended badly (I had a lover that he knew about, he didn't have one & got very jealous). Anyway, I recently got into a relationship with a lovely man who's wife is totally ok with his wanting an exclusive GF. They decided this was ok prior to getting married. She does not want to have another lover but is ok with him having one. She is even willing to meet me but I’m worried about this for several reasons. I’ve always had guy friends & their GFs often got jealous even though I never flirted with them & would never violate the bounds of someone else’s relationship. I think I’ll just have to assume she’s as great as she seems & eventually meet her one day. I am honestly so grateful to her for giving me the gift of allowing her husband to be my friend/lover. He is literally the most amazing person I have ever met.

As for my new lover, we met online randomly even though I was looking for a more "conventional" type of boyfriend...or at least a FWB who wouldn't get too attached. I just got out of a very unhappy marriage where I got dumped with 2 very little kids. Then I got involved with a man who I thought would just be a FWB but he got possessive & jealous & started talking about love way too fast. I'm not really ready for a full-on relationship because I’m working on some issues from my past & need to focus on myself. That being said....

I feel like me & my new "friend" are star-crossed lovers. We made love (a term which I deplored until now) for hours the 1st time we met (we had talked & emailed a lot) & it was possibly the most amazing sex I have ever had…at least very close. I literally have never had sex on the 1st date (other than a few 1 nighters in my teens/20s) nor have I ever orgasmed the 1st time having sex with anyone ever. I feel like my previously closed off heart has been opened up. I have been laughing & crying very hard lately….it’s like all the emotions I had bottled up are coming out & I attribute this, at least in part, to my open relationship with him. We have a level of openness & honesty that I rarely, if ever, have experienced with another person even though I am a very open & honest person. Men tend to fall in love with me hard & fast (although I don't with them). We're already telling each other we love the other even though I normally don't bring up love so quickly. I told him before we ever got intimate that I will dump him if he ever mentions leaving his wife & that we cannot ever deceive her in anyway. He swears he will not & I know it's true. I won't ever be that kind of “other woman”. That being said, I'm worried that my needs will not be met. He lives over an hour away & we can probably see each other 1-2 times/week max which isn't nearly enough for me (sexually & otherwise). We do talk on the phone daily, plus texting, IMing, etc. & I can probably visit them other times. Part of me knows the distance & his marriage is a good thing for now b/c I don’t need to totally lose myself in relationship until I work out some issues.

So mostly everything is great with this relationship…well except this…I feel like the couple in a V gets to set all/most of the rules & I have to abide by them. I know part of this is because a marriage breaking up (esp when kids are involved) is a bigger consequence than 2 lovers breaking up. Maybe I'll learn more as a I read & do research. Another couple propositioned me for a 3-some recently & although I want to be with other women & would like to experience a 3some I don't want to be with another man right now...the husband has to have intercourse with the "girlfriend" & that's off-limits for me now because I want to be exclusive even though I want more sex. So again, the (3-some) couple wanted to set the rules. So I’d love to understand why the married couple seems to get to set the rules. Is this really the case? Am I missing something? It kinda seems unfair to the secondary. Again, I’m relatively new to all this & am just trying to get my head around it. I don’t need to control everything about this situation but I have needs/wants/desires that are just as valid as everyone else’s, right?

I know I will be friends with this man even when we can no longer be lovers. I hope to get into a committed relationship one day & have no idea if my partner will accept this kind of love. He’ll at least have to accept my friendship with this guy. The thought of losing his friendship is unbearable even though I know we will probably have to part as lovers one day.
I’d appreciate any positive feedback other members here have.

Last edited by Hetaera; 05-29-2013 at 07:54 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-29-2013, 09:57 PM
Vixtoria's Avatar
Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 299
Default

As the poly person in an established relationship and another relationship, feel free to say secondary if you want, I see this and it always bugs me. First of all, it's the idea that you are giving up control, or worse that others are forcing control. ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE CONDITIONAL. So basically these couples may tell you what their conditions are. Fine and dandy.

What the hell is stopping you from putting forward your own conditions? What makes theirs more important than yours!? This is part of communication! Instead of talking about how unfair it is that secondaries don't get to make rules and couples do and couple privilege and all that crap, do some communicating!

Nothing at all wrong with saying, "Hey great, glad you two have thought about this, however A, C, and Y don't work for me. I'm much more comfortable with D, G, and Z. Also I have my own rules, think we can come up with a happy medium? Something we can all live with now and then revisit these 'rules' later?"


If you feel someone else is coming up with all the rules, stop blaming others, start standing up and communicating for what you want! Trust me, not all couples are going to tell you that it's their way or the highway, guess what? Some of us actually respect individuals and are willing to communicate and put in the work for everyone to be heard, respected, and loved the way they need!
__________________
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-29-2013, 10:15 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,086
Default

The only way for a person to have equal rights in a relationship, is to take on equal responsibility.
That starts will identifying for themself what it is that they want/need/expect in a relationship AND THEN STATING IT.

In a poly dynamic, that is CRITICAL.

At the point where you choose not to establish YOUR expectations/wants/needs to them-YOU are choosing to make their relationship more important than the relationship you have with either and YOU are choosing to make yourself secondary and YOU are choosing not to allow yourself to be as high a priority.

My boyfriend of 20 years and my husband of 14 years...
Please read that line again

My BOYFRIEND of 20 years & my husband of 14 years
and I live together with our children (I have one with each, and one from prior and my husband has one from prior & we have several Godchildren we've helped raise and 2 grandsons).

Neither relationship has priority. Because the fact of the matter is that both men are critical components of my life and the lives of ALL of the children and grandchildren. To lose either would be destructive all of the way around.

Our dynamic was created TERRIBLY. But-once we started educating ourselves, we realized that all of these constructs (like marriage) that our society SAYS are "higher priority" don't matter at all.
What does matter is people.

The PEOPLE in our lives love both men (and me I hope). I love both men.

I think it's AWESOME that you are reading and educating yourself. Though I admit to thinking the Ethical Slut is the least productive read I've encountered regarding poly-but that's neither here nor there.

I would strongly advise you to continue to seek more information about it-because the truth is that there is no "one hard fast right way" to do poly & there is no need for one relationship to be held in higher priority than another per se.
What is MORE important is that PEOPLE be held in higher priority than things, things including random societal constructs.

I would also say-from experience as the wife who has asked to meet my husbands lovers-go meet the lady.

The women who have openly met me, I've actually created friendships with of my own and that has created so much more strength and support for their relationship.
And the one woman who tried to avoid me-their relationship exploded in a fiery disaster, because the bottom line was that his commitment to his WHOLE family was higher priority than any person who refused to have anything to do with the family.

If you go meet her-you may find in her a comrade, a friend. If so-what a gain for you and your young children!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-30-2013, 01:56 AM
SearchingforMyself SearchingforMyself is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
She is even willing to meet me but Im worried about this for several reasons. ... I think Ill just have to assume shes as great as she seems & eventually meet her one day.
Go and meet her - and then you can decide for yourself if she is as great as she seems! My metamour is now one of my best friends and very important in my life outside of her role as JP's wife. I was quite ill a few weeks ago and she had no issue with JP taking me to the doctor and then bringing me to their house. She was my "babysitter" when he went to work the next day since I couldn't be alone - bringing me food and drinks so that I didn't even have to get up off the couch. Heck, J and I even have movie dates without JP. If you go to meet your metamour with an open mind you could gain a new friendship!
__________________
Cast of Characters:
Me: bi female in a relationship since 09/2012 with
JP: my straight boyfriend who has been married for 13+ years to
J: my metamour and one of my best friends
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-30-2013, 02:21 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

You have the right to request any changes that you want/need, and to set boundaries of your own. If a couple comes to you with a ridiculous rule like "you have to fuck both of us if you want to fuck either of us", then they're not really interested in you as a person, just in how you can fulfill a role for them. You'll find a great and fun situation in which to be with a woman and/or try a threesome one day with people who aren't such jerks.

I highly recommend these reads:
http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
http://www.morethantwo.com/primarysecondary.html

Some questions that I'm curious about, and that might make it easier to give you advice:

What rules do your lover and his wife have that impact you?

Why do you want to be exclusive to your lover?
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-30-2013, 03:41 AM
crisplove crisplove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 32
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Though I admit to thinking the Ethical Slut is the least productive read I've encountered regarding poly-but that's neither here nor there.
Hi Loving Radiance, I've been lurking and reading A LOT. I also just started reading The Ethical Slut, and, my goodness, what an eye opener.

What other books would you recommend for someone just getting into this? Is there a recommended reading thread?

I've done some reading on morethantwo.com. However, it assumes that you already know that you want to be poly. I'm still sifting and learning about a whole new world of relationships. I'm a neophyte.

Thanks for the rec:-)
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-30-2013, 03:46 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,086
Default

There is a recommended reading thread somewhere-I will admit that I SUCK at finding them. LOL.
Try "golden nuggets" section on here.

I also have a list of suggested links etc on my personal poly-blog (off site) and you are welcome to read there as well. aafteota.wordpress.com

I am good about answering questions if someone emails me from there or pm's me here too.

The site that Annabelle posted links to-morethantwo.com has some good reading material as well.

I personally appreciate Deborah Anapol's book Love Without Limits. I don't get into her newer "new agey" stuff as much. But that book was very helpful to me.

And I know Nycindie (on here) has created a thread of "off site" personal blogs by various posters here-which have a collective wealth of personal, hands on experience, wisdom and trivia.

And please, call me LR.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:15 AM
crisplove crisplove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 32
Default

Thanks LR:-) This is a wealth of information. I downloaded the 7 Levels of intimacy. Already it's resonating.

Tganks for indulging the side bar Hetaera.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-30-2013, 11:37 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northeast
Posts: 66
Default

What rules do your lover and his wife have that impact you?

She has veto power for starters. Plus he is a busy guy too, has a home business, a farm & wife/baby.

Why do you want to be exclusive to your lover?

I want to be exclusive just for now even though my sexual/companionship needs are even close to being met. I feel like we have something magical right now & I love being his fantasy girlfriend. I know I will eventually need at least 1 more lover & will eventually want a more conventional one-on-one relationship (or many I can find someone who will be ok with me with poly). I'm trying to acquire a female lover for now to keep me someone satisfied although my sexual appetites lately seem to be insatiable. I'm reading Sex at Dawn which is making certain things clear to me.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-30-2013, 12:07 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northeast
Posts: 66
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
As the poly person in an established relationship and another relationship, feel free to say secondary if you want, I see this and it always bugs me.
What should I call myself then? I'm open to suggestions!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:26 PM.