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  #21  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:03 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I'm going to ask a possibly really stupid question here.

Genital herpes.. what's the big deal? I understand it can be a big deal, and dangerous, if you are pregnant or want to get pregnant. But if you are not, and/or are a guy who's not with a woman trying to get pregnant.. what is herpes really? It's a nasty skin condition. It's uncomfortable, but so is getting a bad cold, or the flu. You don't die from herpes. I'm sure everyone would rather not have it, but my suspicion about why people are so scared of it, is that contrary to the flu or a cold, this is something you get for life, and something you get from having sex.

Disclosure: I have it. My last outbreak was more than a year ago. All my partners know. I inform potential new partners before anything happens that goes beyond kissing. I've never had anyone reject me for it. And personally I find living with it so easy, that I could not care less if I had it or not.
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  #22  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
. . . you don't really need to rub salt into the wound. It was just a cold and insensitive thing to do.
No, it wasn't cold and insensitive. It was honest. That is a viewpoint he will likely encounter in dating, and Dagferi gave it with compassion ("I am sorry it hurts."). That wasn't insensitive or cold. Her perspective could be helpful. She informed the OP that she would immediately shut him down, because there are other people she must consider. Annabel also said, "I don't know if I would ever date someone with HSV-2." He may not like this stance but it could be valuable because it is coming from polyfolk.

I have seen, at another poly forum, a wide range of responses. It may surprise some people to know that many think herpes is no big deal, just a skin condition, and that if you want to have sex, risk is part of it. I think it's good to hear all types of reactions here, so he can prepare himself for out in the real world.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-30-2013 at 05:19 PM.
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  #23  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:26 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I was a little harsh in my tones

As I firmly believe that a person who has herpes only needs to take very minimal actions in order to not transmit the virus. But this post hit a many nerves for me as I left my career in the medical industry after being disgusted with what I believed to be a shift of the entire industry into just another business industry as opposed to having one mission to heal the sick and cure the diseased.

I don't think you are wrong at all Dagferi, I wasn't clear about how many people I believe run around putting others at risk with either their ignorance or stupidity when it came to Sexual Health. I don't care whether or not a person had every test available and the retook it twice and got a clean bill of health in triplicate, if the person is an idiot about sexual health or irresponsible with their partners trust, I would not consider them as possible partners, no how , no way.

And perhaps that is what OP date is doing, making sure he isn't an idiot about sexual health. As she seems to at least take hers semi-seriously.

It sounds like to me she might understand how it isn't a complicated matter to take simple precautions that the virus is not spread, it is as simple as not engaging in sex during an outbreak.

And yes Annabel there are safe ways to have protected sex if you find yourself in a situation where you feel close enough to the person to engage in sex, but not ready to fully trust the person with your sexual health in their hands. With gloves, condoms, and latex boxer briefs much like bicycling pants can and do make it pretty hard to transmit herpes.

Although if I felt I needed to take that precaution, I would give serious thought to whether or not it is worth it.

the other thing is from my past relationships, it has only been within the last four or five years that I can honestly say my partners are honest with me. And that was not an easy thing to deal with, there are few things less devastating than placing your trust and faith in the wrong people. It's hard to understand how someone can claim to care for you, but let something as stupid and childish as embarrassment, denial , or fear take precedence over anybody in my life, let alone someone I supposedly loved or cared for.

Because HSV is so minor and so easy not to spread, when I know I can trust a person and they have their priorities straight in regards to what is more important, immature worries or my life, I make it a point to let them know that just because another person didn't honor and value them enough to be responsible, it doesn't make them any less important to me and HSV is NOT something that ruins them from intimacy with me.

I have also been lied to, cheated on, shared my partners with others unbeknownst to me yet neither informed me (which is all I requested of them) and then engaged in unprotected sex with me. I know how easy it is to think you know someone, but you don't. It is only a matter of luck that I have never had a sexually transmitted disease.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 05-30-2013 at 05:35 PM.
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  #24  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
No, it wasn't cold and insensitive. It was honest. That is a viewpoint he will likely encounter in dating, and Dagferi gave it with compassion ("I am sorry it hurts.").
I just don't think it necessary given the OP, had the post asked 'would you date me' or 'I don't understand what the big deal is...' or the like, I could understand, but the OP was not that ignorant, s/he was just hurt.
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  #25  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:47 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, HSV 2 is known as "genital herpes," but you can have HSV 2 on your mouth and HSV 1 on your genitals. Both types of HSV live in the spine and take the closest route to the skin when they break out, but it could be either one in either place. There is a member who here who has HSV 1 on her genitals which she got from a man who went down on her and did not tell her he had herpes, which was on his mouth but not visible at the time. He had recurring cold sores and thought nothing of it. Yes, as you say, many people who get cold sores don't think of it as herpes. That doesn't make their misperceptions true. If you get cold sores, you have herpes and should tell your sex partners.
This. You can have either virus, in either location.

Furthermore, I have HSV2 and NEVER get breakouts on my girl-parts. If I don't take my acyclovir, I get a breakout once a month, just before my period at the base of my spine.
Warning sign-that part of my body starts to itch.

I have chosen to make the information about my having it known in all of my social circles for many years. It started because I was fairly popular and well-liked. I heard people making derogatory comments about people who weren't well-liked regarding them probably having STD's.
Anyway, I started being outspoken and upfront about having herpes so that people around me would start realizing that you don't have to be a jerk to have an STD.
At this point, it's just natural and comfortable for me to tell new people that I have a husband and a boyfriend and herpes.

But-it takes some time to reach that comfort level. In the early years my rule was to share before any chance of sex.

Also-I wanted to add, there are still time, when I do get a breakout (there are times I can't take the meds for other health reasons) and I will get moody and emotional about him cheating on me (I do know who, where and how I got it). So don't be too hard on yourself for feeling anger about it and grieving the loss of you "pre-herpes" you. It's normal to feel those things.
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  #26  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:52 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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(and make taking a shower and using soap and water a part of your sex routine. I enjoy doing it together-before and after sometimes. But really-many things that could be risks are reduced just by washing)
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  #27  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I just don't think it necessary given the OP, had the post asked 'would you date me' or 'I don't understand what the big deal is...' or the like, I could understand, but the OP was not that ignorant, s/he was just hurt.
LatetotheParty is a male, btw. Just check his profile or read his other threads to see that.

And tangents are allowed here, if they don't go too far afield. I think that what Dagferi posted was relevant to this thread and not a tangent, like Dirt's post was, because hers was a reaction he (the OP) might expect from a potential date. He wasn't asking for info on diagnosis or testing.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-30-2013 at 06:01 PM.
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  #28  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:04 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
LatetotheParty is a male, btw. Just check his profile or read his other threads to see that.
Thank you, I thought so but going looking felt a little too invasive.

Quote:

And tangents are allowed here, if they don't go too far afield. As long as a tangent is somehow related to the topic, it's fine. What Dagferi posted was relevant to this thread and not a tangent, like Dirt's post was, because hers was about a potential date's reaction. He (the OP) wasn't asking for info on diagnosis or testing.
But we already got a potential dates reaction in the OP, so again, why bother?

Anyway I am happy to agree to disagree on that point and agree with the fact that Dirtclusit's tangent has nothing to do with the OP.
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  #29  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:11 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Anyway I am happy to agree to disagree on that point and agree with the fact that Dirtclusit's tangent has nothing to do with the OP.
Um, okay. Whatever floats your boat. I don't really care if anyone agrees with me or not.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #30  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:31 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Um, okay. Whatever floats your boat. I don't really care if anyone agrees with me or not.

Well I Care! How am I ever to start my Bible of NYCindie if people disagree??? Hrumph. Fine, I'll just excommunicate them anyway.
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