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Old 05-29-2013, 07:01 PM
LateToTheParty LateToTheParty is offline
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Default Dealing with rejection due to herpes

Hi everyone,

It's been a couple of months since I've posted. Lots of development. The main one being impending divorce, but I'll save that for another thread.

I touched on this in a different thread ("Dating Advice Needed"), but I'll recap - I contracted herpes back in February. No way to pinpoint where it came from, of course, which is maddening in a way. Could have been my wife. Could have been me. No idea. But the first outbreak was February.

I had three outbreaks after that...nothing near the severity of the first one, thankfully, but after the last, I requested to be put on Valtrex. So far, so good...not a single sign of anything.

I faced my first herpes rejection last night. And of course, I expected it would happen at some point - several times - but it definitely stung. I had been on a third date with a girl named S. (a different S. than from my previous thread). We click without trying at all. She's fun, open, confident, with a very breezy attitude on sexuality and relationships. On our second date, we were at dinner, and the conversation somehow turned to her friends that have herpes. I saw a good window of opportunity and told her about myself. She wasn't offended, taken aback...she simply said, "Aww...that sucks! I'm sorry." And that was pretty much that. After we left to walk down the street to another place, we held hands, kissed, etc. Quite a bit. It all felt very natural, and I was thinking to myself, "Wow...that news doesn't bother her...what an amazing woman."

We went out again last night. Had a great time again...plenty of physical connection as well. But toward the end of dinner, she told me that 1) she really likes spending time with me, but 2) she feels like too much is going on right now with my divorce, and 3) she thought she was okay with the herpes news, but it turns out she's simply not. I told her that it's okay, I understand. Not about to be a jerk about her protecting her sexual health. She told me that she was really sorry, and that it just wasn't fair.

An aside: I'm confused by what followed, however. After that bit of conversation, we took a walk and ended up at a bar down the street. And the physical attention simply continued throughout the night. Nothing sexual, but actually quite sensual. I'm not sure if it was out of sympathy...or genuine...or both. But it was very nice, regardless. After pulling up to her house, I asked her if this was our last date. She said, "I hope not. I really like hanging out with you, but I understand if you don't want to." I told her I would (although I can't see how it's possible right now). Before getting out, she told me, "thanks for a really lovely evening." And we've chatted online quite a bit today.

Back to the main point...

I feel absolutely low today. Diseased, untouchable...ashamed. And extremely angry today at my soon-to-be ex-wife, although I'm sure that's misplaced anger. Feeling the unfairness of effortless mutual attraction, stopped in its tracks by the ugly face of a virus (although there's the timing of the divorce, too). I suppose over time, it's possible that S. might relax on everything and reconsider.

But this isn't just about her. I'm feeling discouraged about all future connections. I feel that I'm forever restricted on what could be great relationships. That I'm resigned to finding someone on a herpes singles site (the thought of which really turns me off), rather than make a connection organically. Hell...that I'll never receive oral sex again.

In short - I feel pretty depressed about this. Any guidance/feedback would greatly be appreciated. Thanks.
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Old 05-29-2013, 07:35 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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My best friend went through this. Being on suppressive therapy and knowing the statical risks of spreading it was reassuring to her partners. There are dating groups for hsv positive folks as well
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:49 PM
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Honestly I wouldn't date you either. I have other partners to consider too.

I am sorry it hurts.
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:56 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Overtime, I think you will be surprised how many people don't have an issue with it, if they know there are precautions that can be taken.

I have herpes. I contracted it when I was 15. I'm 38 now. My husband doesn't have it-we've been together for 15 years. My boyfriend of 20 years also doesn't have it.
We don't use condoms together. We all get tested every 6 months.

There is a lot to learn about it and I would strongly encourage you to read, read, read all about it. So that you can be honest and forthright AND educate potential lovers.

There is ALWAYS risk of getting an STI when engaging in sex. But, there are MANY very simple, not frustrating things one can do to minimize that risk.
Life is a collection of probabilities. There is no "guaranteed zero". Just higher or lower levels of probability.
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Old 05-30-2013, 05:50 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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There is no need to worry about hsv transmission so long as you are not completely ignorant. Just don't have have sex until after an outbreak has completely finished and the the skin has healed.


The only people who have HSV that are risky to have sex with, are the types of people who are either complete idiots, or do not respect you and engage in sex while the sores are *almost* healed but not they neglected to tell you they were not completely healed.

LR's story is very much the norm, and it really is as simple as not having sex during an outbreak. It is not rocket science and it is very easy to have unprotected sex and never transmit herpes to your partner

Ignorance is a huge problem with HSV, and you would be surprised how rampant such ignorance actually is, even among those you would least expect it. Just last week I read a tweet by a popular poly writer who posted a testament to this ignorance. The tweet said something like About 75% of the population overall has HSV. Most people haven't been tested & don't know they have it.

So you really have to be careful about where you get your information from, as any agency that published such laughable statistics has no business conducting studies.

Anybody who has HSV and tries to tell you they didn't know they had the sores, is full of shit, and it's a cop out

A more accurate statement would be to say, there are many people out in the world who don't give a shit about sexual health and you should avoid having sex with such idiots. It's far more accurate to say there are many people out there who get painful sores on there genitals and would rather pretend they aren't there because if they don't get tested then they can't test positive so in their minds they don't have it.

Unless the person was at a fetish party the night before where they had been repeatedly smacked with a spatula, if you have sores that appear on your genitals and don't have them looked at by a physician or a clinic that identifies sexually transmitted diseases, that person is an idiot


the only reason that there are studies that say transmission can occur without the presence of sores, is due to people who have a problem with honesty. If a person is honest enough to tell you they have herpes, sex with them is not a problem unless they are an idiot

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 05-30-2013 at 06:21 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 05-30-2013, 06:14 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh Dirtcluster, you are making up weird shit again. Herpes acts differently in different people. I personally know someone who has it and never knows if there is an outbreak, as they have no sensation or tingling or any indication that it's there - but blood tests prove it is. Another friend, tells me he always knows when an outbreak happens, and it's a big patch that comes out around his genitals and on the upper inside of his thighs. And another friend of mine has had it for about fifteen years but only found out two years ago when they got tested for it for the first time. She always just got just one red blistery spot about the size of a silver dollar on the top of one butt cheek and always thought it was a rash she got from harsh chemicals in her laundry detergent. She always was looking for the gentlest detergents - to her, she had some skin irritation. In 20 years of marriage and no condoms all that time, her husband never got it. They only both got tested two years ago and found out she had it, but he didn't, and that's when she realized what that rash was! They never had a reason to get tested before then, so herpes was not on their radar. None of these people are idiots. They are all very smart people -- so you just can't go around saying anyone who has it and says they don't know is an idiot or lying. How the hell can you?

When it is stated that 75 to 80 percent of the population has herpes, they are including both HSV 1 and HSV 2 when they say that. You can have HSV2 on your mouth and HSV1 in the genital area, and visa versa, or on the butt or thighs or lower back (sometimes called sacral herpes), not just the genitals, and there really is no way to know what it is without a test. Let's remember, cold sores, shingles, and chicken pox are all the herpes virus, too. So, just because you can't believe someone would have HSV and not know it, doesn't mean they are idiots or lying. People can have it for years without knowing! You can get it from an aunt who kissed you hello on the mouth as a kid, and live with it for decades if you never had any reason to get a test for it. The virus can lie dormant in the spinal column for years and you will only know you have it if you are tested for it or stress causes it to breakout. And everyone has different thresholds for stress, so it is unpredictable what could trigger an outbreak. So, stop talking nonsense.

Getting back to the OP's questions...

LateToTheParty, I think you will find that there are many more people who are more understanding and open-minded about it than you might believe. If people understand what it is and the precautions one can take, they may say that as long as condoms are used, they're not worried about it. Still, your date's reaction is odd because she said she wasn't interested and then still acted interested. So, I would just ask her directly what it is she wants from keeping on seeing you - friends or more?
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-30-2013 at 05:58 PM.
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Old 05-30-2013, 07:40 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Since I've never experienced

what it's feels like to have HSV, your right, I can't really say what something feels like that I've never experienced.

But I am NOT making shit up. For two years out of seven working in a clinical lab, virology was a department I worked in.

cold sores on a persons lips are in fact caused by the HSV I virus, however most people don't call cold sores "Herpes" and even if they did the numbers are not anywhere near 75% of people being infected with HSV virus (even counting I and II) . Chicken pox and shingles are not Herpes Simplex Viruses, they are Varicella-Zoster Viruses, which is also from the family of herpesvirus but they aren't HSV

And you really do have to be careful about where you get your information from because even some doctors may not be fully knowledgeable as when it comes to immunology and immuno-responses in the body, the processes are taught in detail to become a licensed MD. Blood tests do not tell anything about specific lesions and that is why it is extremely important to have the lesions cultured in order to type them if you really want to know. If you have ever had a cold sore, it was likely HSV I and you would test sero-positive for it.

You cannot tell whether or not a lesion is herpes by looking at it, unless you were a pathologist. There are numerous blemishes and rashes caused by anything from fungi, to a perfume you are allergic to, and if you do not have a competent doctor and you have had a cold sore, the doctor may "diagnose" you as having herpes after a blood test when the sore was had nothing to do with HSV.

because so few labs actually have a virology dept, most hospitals and clinics have to send the lab work out to a specialty lab which they may actually lose money for doing, so it is not a rare occurrence that a doctor who isn't particularly good at what the do for a living to run only a blood test, and not culture an active lesion.

It's the same principle that happens when doctors believe they can look down your throat and tell whether or not your sore throat is viral or bacterial, you cannot tell without laboratory work being done, but you would be surprised how many otherwise fine physicians honestly believe otherwise. Lab work is expensive and even doctors can have a hard time making a profit because the majority of health care profits go to pharmaceutical and insurance companies, which force many offices to be much more business like in there practice instead of healing people. It really is a sad state of affairs

so back to the OP and his questions, have you ever had a cold sore?

if you have you might want to have the lesions tested and typed because those sores may not even be herpes, as thanks to Republicans loyal to pharmaceuticals and insurance companies, the health care you are getting may not be what you think!

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 05-30-2013 at 07:56 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 05-30-2013, 07:55 AM
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I didn't say that shingles and chicken pox are HSV. I said they are a form of herpes, I know they are zoster. And most docs don't test to discern wither one has HSV 1 or 2 unless you ask them to, and I believe it is the Western Blot test they usually use. HSV 1 or 2 can be in either location. But this is not what the OP is asking about when he started this thread. You are talking about clinical stuff and making assumptions about what people know or do not know, while the OP is looking for answers on how to develop relationships while dealing with having HSV.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-30-2013 at 05:59 PM.
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:11 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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and only HSV II causes genital herpes, and this is relevant because I don't know anybody who would tell a potential partner that they have herpes because they have gotten a cold sore on their mouth lip

the reason they may not say anything is 1) it is extremely easy to not pass cold sores to your partner with only minimal thoughts and effort (a lot like it herpes on your dick is easy not to pass) and 2) most people would only consider genital herpes to be herpes



and because there is so much ignorance regarding the subject, for instance having a sore that is caused by a fungus, being misdiagnosed as herpes because of a positive blood test, and said diagnosis can and does happen sometimes with a legitimate, but not the greatest doctor, these little details can often be important

He may not even have actually have "herpes"

Do you realize how happy marriages have been broken up due to an misdiagnosed herpes?

If your friends have sores anywhere but their lips or genitals they may want to get the lesions typed depending on what blood test came up positive, they may want to get accurate info, as they may not have gotten good health care.

I know people don't like my comments, but this may actually help some people, hopefully if anybody had a happy marriage that suddenly hit the skids because of herpes, they may want to understand facts and make an informed decision as opposed to myths, bogus political web site statistics and what not

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 05-30-2013 at 08:18 AM.
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:47 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I was told by a partner that they had herpes and they only got cold sores so no, you are wrong Dirtclusit. (I am negative btw)

But how surprised are we that you have hijacked yet another thread?
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