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Old 05-29-2013, 05:30 AM
Sanitarium86 Sanitarium86 is offline
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Default Either she's crazy or I am

Hi there,
New member first post, go easy.

So I've been doing my research and A LOT of people pointed folks in similar situations to this site. So here I am.

Anyway, down to business.

My fiancÚ and I have been together for 5 years that I wouldn't trade the entire world for. I absolutely love this woman, she's my everything. Alas though it seems either we have hit a low point or I just don't do it for her anymore, but I'll get to that later, a little backstory first.

When we first moved away from our respective family homesteads, I was the carefree happy go lucky side of the relationship, tethered only by what I chose to be. I encouraged us to go on trips we could barely afford, have impromptu nights out during the week and so forth, the world was our oyster and I was game for whatever whim flew through hers or my head. Then reality started kicking in, either her demeanor changed or mine did, but we both grew up and locked ourselves down to the daily grind, paying bills, limiting trips, and not really ever going out, in fact over the last year I've withdrawn from public settings to the point that it even bugs me.

Well my fiancÚ decided about 2 years ago to start going out with "friends" and visiting "co-workers", and I was fine with this, then in the last 6 months she has been with two other men, and we're still together. Like I said I wouldn't trade what we have for the world, so I forgave her on both counts.

Now for the gut check.

She came out and plainly admitted to being with another guy last week (this was number two in the last six months). Again I decided to swallow the normal macho pride and somewhat forgive her for this. We've had a few long conversations about the situation. And it seems while she wants to be with me, and says she loves only me, these guys are a "power trip"(my word) and she just likes to feel wanted.(I think she can feel wanted without actually committing to the follow through)

So now we're in an odd situation, we both have way to much going on at work to discuss this any further for a couple weeks. But in the interim we've decided that she can have ,a stable if you will, a few guy friends that this is okay with. Personally I would be more comfortable with threesomes, but she has expressed that this would be something she would have to be comfortable with the other guy one on one with first.

She has encouraged me to get out there and find me a few women that I can have on the side, but to be honest I'm not interested in that. Like I said I have withdrawn quite dramatically in the last year, not to mention I don't have the time or the patience to woo another woman.

The other issue, we've had a threesome with one of her exes from high school before. It seemed to turn out well enough. And one last thing, as much as my logical mind fights it, the thought of her pawing at another guy the way she used to with me kind of turns me on. Make no mistake we have a health sex life, but I feel like the "danger" and "intrigue" isn't there anymore, that "am I gonna get it or not" feeling, there's no tension to break anymore.

In the end I guess I'm really not asking what to do. I guess I'm venting. But I do have several questions.

Should I go out with her and her "stock" occasionally?

Even though I don't want to should I try to find someone "on the side"?

How often is to often for her to text and speak to her "stock"?

And so forth, I was raised a strict southern baptist so you can imagine that literally ALL OF THIS is brand new and very perplexing to me, especially adding it to stress I'm dealing with at work.

Thanks for reading this damned wall. And any input is good input.
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Old 05-29-2013, 07:34 AM
Oly1 Oly1 is offline
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I don't think either of you is crazy- you're just poly!

Reading more on the subject of polyamory could help you feel like you're not the only "crazy" people in the world, so I recommend it.

Now, to your questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sanitarium86 View Post
Should I go out with her and her "stock" occasionally?

Even though I don't want to should I try to find someone "on the side"?

How often is to often for her to text and speak to her "stock"?
It seems to me like you are looking for "the rules" of an open relationship. Well, the bad news are, there are no rules. But also, the good news are, there are no rules!

The only question I can really answer is the "should I try to find someone even if I don't want to?". That's easy. NO. You should not do something you don't want to. You (and your fiance) should figure out what you want, what works for you, what helps you feel good about the situation, discuss it, and then do it.

Good luck!
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Old 05-29-2013, 12:50 PM
Sanitarium86 Sanitarium86 is offline
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Thanks for the advice.

I guess what I'm really looking for is the knowledge and tools I'll need when it's time to have our actual talk about all this come mid June. We're both going through a lot at work right now and really just can't take the pressure of this talk at the moment.

I mean apparently she's comfortable with the thought, she's the one who proposed it right?

How can this work out if I neither have the motivation nor the want to do the same as she does?

What usually comes up in these conversations?

I literally have no idea what to expect to come of delving further into this. I have no idea what boundaries to set for either myself or her. I'm completely inept, and this is a position I find myself in rarely, hence my slight panic lol.
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Old 05-29-2013, 07:34 PM
Sanitarium86 Sanitarium86 is offline
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Well, now I don't know how to feel.

I want to pull the trigger and get all the cards out on the table. But that just wouldn't be a prudent move right now as tensions are high.

Any tips on how to bring this up in a no accusing way? She usually gets very defensive everytime we have a talk and I think I'm just approaching it the wrong way.
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Old 05-29-2013, 10:40 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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A) No, it's not necessary for anyone to jump out and "find someone else too" if they aren't in a place to want to. My boyfriend is monogamous to me-his choice-it works for him. My husband is poly-but currently not dating because having his girlfriend of 2 years move away, and then getting burned by a potential hurts-so he's healing from those wounds.

B) Safer sex practices-important topic for open relationships of any kind.

C) trust, honesty, when and what needs to be told by whom, important topic.

D) frequency of contact-touchy topic. I prefer to go a different route than your question allows. We have agreed that certain times are "personal" times and no cellphones/computers are in use at those times. Examples: dates, bed, shower, joint meals. This means that if one of us wants to text with another person (lover or not doesn't matter) it isn't going to happen during these times. This is true for BOTH of my relationships, not one. Therefore, if I am out to dinner with EITHER of my lovers, I am not going to be texting the other. I make my one-on-one time treasured time for whomever I am with. Likewise-family meal times, we focus on the family who is present, no phones.

Additionally-we have a reserved date night to ensure that we get our alone time every week (we do have kids, work, school so this is important). But that doesn't mean its the ONLY time we can go out. It's just our minimum opportunity to go out alone. (and go out might mean to our bedroom with a movie or to the bar dancing-whatever, it's our date)

I find that works MUCH MUCH better than trying to designate how frequent contact is.
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Old 05-29-2013, 11:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sanitarium86 View Post
Any tips on how to bring this up in a no accusing way? She usually gets very defensive everytime we have a talk and I think I'm just approaching it the wrong way.
The first thing I would do if I were you is to stop thinking of her other lovers as "stock" in her "stable." It's just disrespectful and dick-ish to belittle them like that. They are not cattle nor pieces of meat. They are human beings - people with feelings, wants, desires, issues, and she is involved with them because she values what they bring to her life. No wonder she is defensive.

If you are still hurt and resentful about the fact that she cheated on you multiple times (which would be understandable), then say so. Don't be passive-aggressive.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-30-2013 at 07:07 AM.
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Old 05-30-2013, 02:14 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The first thing I would do if I were you is to stop thinking of her other lovers as "stock" in her "stable."
It reminds me of when gangstas talk about their bitchez, yo.
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