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  #11  
Old 05-28-2013, 12:00 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default It is extremely rare that it turns out

the way you originally imagined, in fact I don't think it ever has ended up the way people wanted it. But that doesn't negate the fact the people in many "online communities" use it as a free pass, so to speak, to throw all of their supposed values out the window.

It's like trying to skip the paddling upon entrance to a fraternal order. People who got smacked and bruised will make sure your feel that pain or else you can join the order

If you don't submit, and your "triad" works it is because you aren't poly, you are a swinger.

Anyway, it can and does work, but I have only seen it done by people who are extremely easy going, aren't self centered, and in general are very zen like in that no job, monetary wealth, social status, affliction or being targeted by society will phase them.

This is probably the one thing the poly communities refuse to admit, but give it five years, the world is changing.

It's the same deal with child protection agencies and right wing organizations saying that living poly has a severe negative effect on the children of poly parents. The truth is that any effect is usually not caused by anything the poly parents are doing, but rather it's the completely and 100%, both directly and indirectly caused by societies need to afflict the wrong doers.

Treat your partners with love and respect and don't worry about what people afflict you with.
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  #12  
Old 05-28-2013, 12:49 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Don't mind Dirtclustit, he has a chip on his shoulder born of his inability to see the difference between a Unicorn Hunter and a member of a successful triad. He seems to think he's defending the latter, but he does a poor job of it and ends up tripping over his own feet trying to find something to get upset about.

Unicorn Hunting can end up with a stable triad, but more often it won't and you'd be doing it the hard way. Instead, have you considered dating separately?
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  #13  
Old 05-28-2013, 02:57 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Supportive View Post
My wife has asked me what I think about getting a gf for us to share.
Like at the girlfriend store or something? Yeah, whip out your credit card and go get one. Be sure to check the specifications, first, and be sure to have the correct model number for the kind you want.
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  #14  
Old 05-28-2013, 04:06 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
It's like trying to skip the paddling upon entrance to a fraternal order. People who got smacked and bruised will make sure your feel that pain or else you can join the order

This is a fucked-up mentality. Who the HELL ever said that polyamory and/or the notion of forming a triad is some kind of "fraternal order" that requires "initiation"? I mean, I swear... I don't know whether this person is truly paranoid and deserving of compassion and... free medical care? Or if they are just here to annoy as many people as they can with these hot-button, rhetorical metaphors.

But you know what about your precious "fraternal order"/spanking metaphor? It doesn't work. No one is REQUIRED to join a fraternity, much less submit to hazing. You can leave and not go back.

So, stop, dirtcustard. Just stop.
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  #15  
Old 05-28-2013, 06:55 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Supportive View Post
My wife just wants to organically grow another relationship from a friendship as before.
Don't let the Unicorn hunting stuff throw you too much. The debates are often heated, but it's far from conclusive or universal as to how the unicorns actually feel about these things. We keep trying to get one for a survey on these things, but no one can ever find them.

I don't see anything particularly problematic with your approach, as I find such organic evolution's in relationships to be the more productive forms in pretty much any relationship context. Where people tend to run into issues is when they try to force things that don't fit into a box that they've built in their head.

And then of course there's the issue of trying to find such a situation/relationship to develop ... because if you can't force it, what is there to do other than wait? And many don't have the patience for that.

Good Luck.
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  #16  
Old 05-28-2013, 08:40 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Don't let the Unicorn hunting stuff throw you too much. The debates are often heated, but it's far from conclusive or universal as to how the unicorns actually feel about these things.
Badly, rarely does a 'unicorn' put themselves in the same position twice.
I would be interested to hear from any experienced, single bisexual woman who has been in a poly-fi triad who would be willing to do it again.
I think the stats speak for themselves, we get many couples saying 'I want this again' but not many singles who say the same.
Why? Because we singletons don't get the best out of those relationships no matter how often these couples talk about equality.
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  #17  
Old 05-28-2013, 10:06 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Sorry about that people

My comment was uncalled for, esp since it does actually seem like people aren't getting what I believed as unfairly attacked. Sorry for muddling your post Supportive, but not that long ago had you posted with this title

"a girlfriend for us to share"

You might have found a few comments that contained advice much less helpful than Annabel's and the others. Things were mellow until I disrupted it. That was a poor decision on my part
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  #18  
Old 05-28-2013, 12:03 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Supportive View Post
Hi all. I am new to this site and am trying to learn about this subject/ lifestyle. My wife has asked me what I think about getting a gf for us to share. We have had a close friend that we shared and lived with, etc. She misses how close we all were and the fun times. We are still really good friends with her, but now it is just a traditional friendship. My wife has asked me what I think about finding something similar again. Is this the behated unicorn hunting? (for those wondering, our friend misses "us" and was never treated badly.)
Well, hunting for a single bi female to share is definitely unicorn hunting.

How did you find the previous hi bi babe friend? Just a long time friend that you both ended up sexually attracted to, and vice versa? Did she move away or something?

Hunting for a replacement for her will be tough. And there are so many stories here (including my own) of how the new HBB ends up preferring one over the other in the couple (usually the guy), which causes all sorts of havoc. Proceed with caution.
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  #19  
Old 05-28-2013, 07:05 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Depends on your internal world.

I find the phrase Unicorn Hunting an interesting one. It seems to be associated with a slough of ideals and expectations, and often ends up creating scenarios where people are way outside of their emotional depth. I think that for many, it's a natural start to the ideal of opening up a relationship, and that it evolves over time. I had been poly in lots of different ways before I became curious about sharing a girlfriend with my husband, and had insanely good luck in finding meaningful relationships with 'unicorns' pretty much right off the bat - I'm guessing this isn't the norm... don't know what made our situation different. I see the women that engaged in those relationships less as some version of a mythical beast, and more as kinky women who wanted to share friendship and sexual intimacy with two other people at the same time.

Our problems reared their head like beasts straight out of the depths of hell when we tried to make it into something that it wasn't. Trying to figure out how to move us all in together in a poly-fi-triad where everyone loved each other the same? That was the pinnacle of naivety and stupidity in our love triangle experience, especially when we tried it with a third that had little in the way of relationship experience and communication skills, and we were all in a haze of NRE and maximum-spaz-out mode. Ridiculous. Catastrophic on all accounts. It almost ended our marriage, and sure as shit fucked us all up. Royally.

The most successful triad relationships we've had were ones there ideals and expectations were checked at the door. We have an awesome time when everyone stays present. When things move slowly, cautiously and respectfully of all involved. When everyone is damn clear about what they have to offer, and what their limitations are. Our girlfriend now is having fun, experimenting sexually and enjoying the intimacy, friendship and excitement of dating a couple, but she's made it damn clear that while we're sure to stay friends, that if the right guy comes along she is out. We have dyads. We respect and communicate with each other about concerns that come up as they come up. We are friends as well as lovers, and check in with each other about our days and happenings in our lives. We do NOT talk about the future of our relationship as though it's a give in, delude ourselves into think that we're all going to feel the same way about each other, or view any of the parties involved as less than a whole person who has individual rights, needs and desires worthy of attention and respect.

So is it a bad idea in its essence? I'd say that it's no different than the likelihood of any complex relationship thriving. Depends on your mentality. Depends on your ability to communicate, stay present, stay realistic, stay grounded, stay centred. Depends on your ability to check your ideals, expectations and fantasies, and really see things as they are, including your own limitations as a partner within relationship. Depends on your ability to pace, move slowly, and not get ahead of yourself. Depends on a lot of things.

Don't let other people pre-judge your potential reality based on negative experiences in their sphere. There is no surer way to get away from your own hearts, your own truths, and find the path, and the poly/openness that works for you. You speak of your ex-unicorn's friendship and respect, so it sounds to me like y'all did something right. Over the past three years I have had really great, and really shitty experiences with a third. I have been a third to a gay/bi male couple, and will be friends with the surviving partner (the other died in an accident) until the day I die. I think that there is real value in triad relationships, and that it is isn't an inherently flawed relationship structure if everyone is conscious and conscientious. People want to experience them, and 'unicorns' want to experience them - people get hurt in their context, but people get hurt in the context of ALL relationships, not just triads. For us, it also led us to open up our marriage to the idea of dating individually, which is something that we hadn't initially thought about. This is your journey. Live it with integrity, and don't let other people define it for you, or stereotype you.

Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 05-28-2013 at 07:19 PM.
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  #20  
Old 05-29-2013, 12:32 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I think the stats speak for themselves, we get many couples saying 'I want this again' but not many singles who say the same.
There is little in the way of stats...mostly a lot of anecdotes which has been turned into a significant amount of propaganda. If we were to apply the same test to poly in general using the posts on this forum, it would be concluded that Poly was an absolutely asinine relationship model full of grief and tears and heartache...because we only hear, or remember hearing, about the colossal failures. The successful ones are usually too busy enjoying themselves to bother telling the rest of us about it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
This is your journey. Live it with integrity, and don't let other people define it for you, or stereotype you.
Best advice I've heard all month!
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