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Old 04-19-2013, 07:22 PM
Supportive Supportive is offline
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Default A gf for us to share

Hi all. I am new to this site and am trying to learn about this subject/ lifestyle. My wife has asked me what I think about getting a gf for us to share. We have had a close friend that we shared and lived with, etc. She misses how close we all were and the fun times. We are still really good friends with her, but now it is just a traditional friendship. My wife has asked me what I think about finding something similar again. Is this the behated unicorn hunting? (for those wondering, our friend misses "us" and was never treated badly.)
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Old 04-19-2013, 08:14 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Supportive View Post
My wife has asked me what I think about getting a gf for us to share.... Is this the behated unicorn hunting?
Probably

Here's another way to look at it - how would you like to be the one that was 'shared'? It's the old 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' equality issue.
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Old 04-19-2013, 08:19 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Supportive View Post
Hi all. I am new to this site and am trying to learn about this subject/ lifestyle. My wife has asked me what I think about getting a gf for us to share. We have had a close friend that we shared and lived with, etc. She misses how close we all were and the fun times. We are still really good friends with her, but now it is just a traditional friendship. My wife has asked me what I think about finding something similar again. Is this the behated unicorn hunting? (for those wondering, our friend misses "us" and was never treated badly.)
"a gf for us to share" <-- Fraid so, friend.

An excellent resource on what is meant by "unicorn hunting", and why it's still a very tricky subject, even in cases like yours where people have the best intentions: http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/
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Old 04-19-2013, 08:41 PM
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Well, as far as equality, our friend was happy to be in our family and wants to be submissive by nature. She wanted a baby, and my wife encouraged me to give her one. Maybe this would have concreted her "equality" into our family unit. Maybe she was this elusive rarity that enjoyed her position. Who knows. Wouldn't the 2nd female be the same as the 1st? Not two unicorns, right?
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:03 PM
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Thanks, Anabelmore. That article is helpful. I don't know how to continue with what my wife would like now. It seems like she will be unlikely satisfied in most outcomes of the request.
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:06 PM
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Well, as far as equality, our friend was happy to be in our family and wants to be submissive by nature. She wanted a baby, and my wife encouraged me to give her one. Maybe this would have concreted her "equality" into our family unit. Maybe she was this elusive rarity that enjoyed her position. Who knows. Wouldn't the 2nd female be the same as the 1st? Not two unicorns, right?
I wouldn't say it's impossible for it to work, and the situation you describe with a submissive person is probably the most likely to succeed since there are some natural power imbalance issues that a submissive person might actually enjoy, rather than resent. You should go for it if you all think it will make you happy. I would just encourage you all, including her, to do a lot of reading and be very aware of the common pitfalls so you can do your best to avoid them. #1 thing I think is important to remember -- don't expect her to love and desire you both equally or in all the same ways for the same rates. Also, check in and communicate a LOT, with all involved. Another great article: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

I'm not sure what you mean about the second woman being the same as the first?
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:11 PM
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Thanks, Anabelmore. That article is helpful. I don't know how to continue with what my wife would like now. It seems like she will be unlikely satisfied in most outcomes of the request.
Maybe just ask her to also read these articles and do some thinking, both on her own and with you. Life is complicated, and loving more than one person can be especially complicated. As such, "expect the unexpected" applies -- you can't rely on any given outcome. For people who are happy to be flexible and roll with what life offers up this is just fine. For people who only will consider one version of what success looks like, it probably isn't a good idea to do poly.
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:40 PM
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First, the image verification to post is annoying. Can that please go away soon. Second, Suzybird said exactly what I meant by the second being the same as first. Her and r are equals to Marvin. We did similar for years with this submissive friend, so I know it is possible. My wife just wants to organically grow another relationship from a friendship as before. My wife fits in her own box, I am fine with my box, and I just think if some friend creates another box with us and would be happy to be in it and our world, then great! It doesn't seem unfair or rude to me. Thanks for all the comments.
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:11 PM
Supportive Supportive is offline
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Red face

Also, sorry to the original poster for thread-jacking. I did not mea n to take over here.
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Old 05-27-2013, 09:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Supportive View Post
Also, sorry to the original poster for thread-jacking. I did not mea n to take over here.
I've moved your posts and the respective replies to its own thread.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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