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  #11  
Old 05-28-2013, 12:38 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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N friends people online that he thinks is cool. They chat an text as friends for awhile, sometimes it turns into a flirtation then it is reveiled that we are open then often plans are made. They continue to be friends online, via text and get together when its mutually convenient. I think approaching it as a friends first is helpful. I also would be turned off if some guy made me feel like a booty call vs having a genuine interest in me as a person. Som
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  #12  
Old 05-28-2013, 02:53 AM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Originally Posted by Ssandra View Post
One thing you could do is make it clear that you have some limitations in terms of attention and time, not as much on an emotional level.
That seems like a good approach. Thanks for the advice.

I'm still skeptical that my sluttiness is compatible with my GFs polyness, but I guess time will tell.
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  #13  
Old 05-28-2013, 10:58 PM
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Your sluttiness is OK. Especially since you just came out of a marriage of 14 years. You want to shag, have fun, see what's out there, after 14 years of being monogamous? Fine.

Or did you cheat on your ex wife?

When my ex h and I split, I was ready for love, because we had been together over 30 years, the last 10 of which were a slow circling of the toilet. I was also ready for a sex marathon with whomever I found attractive. So. I was lucky enough to find a serious gf right away, but continued to date, have fun, have cybersex when no warm bodies were near, experiment with kink, etc.

After a year or so of all that, I was ready to settle down and find a serious bf to complement my gf. But it took 2 more years to find him! You may be like me, and calm down in the slut department eventually. Or you may not.

Now, on to your gf. Only one overnight and now one long weekend type getaway in 7 months? Examine yourself. You won't get along with a poly partner if you're deeply insecure. Love is not a limited commodity. The more you give, the more there is! It helps to meet her new bf(s) to take some of the mystery away. Lots of poly noobs have fairly strict guidelines in place at first to keep everyone feeling safe, with set time limits: let's revisit our boundaries in 6 months, or whatever.
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  #14  
Old 05-30-2013, 03:12 AM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Or did you cheat on your ex wife?
Only after we separated and I was sure it was over.

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Now, on to your gf. Only one overnight and now one long weekend type getaway in 7 months? Examine yourself.
Totally what I'm doing and why I started this thread. I realize these are my feelings and I need to deal with them. That's why I'm here!

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You won't get along with a poly partner if you're deeply insecure. Love is not a limited commodity. The more you give, the more there is!
I wouldn't call myself deeply insecure. Fairly confident, actually. Just swimming in new waters and trying to get used to the temperature. The fact that I am sharing my GF with other men while I don't have any other GFs in place should speak to that. At the same time, I think the insecurity I am feeling in the first 7 months of a new type of relationship with a new person is normal, don't you think? Think back to your first "open" relationship. Did you ever get worried or jealous?

So yeah, I need to deal with this. It's hard to talk with my GF about it because I don't want to appear "insecure" or "weak," but at the same time I want to be honest and open with her and not build walls around my heart. That's the fine line we all have to walk, right?

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It helps to meet her new bf(s) to take some of the mystery away. Lots of poly noobs have fairly strict guidelines in place at first to keep everyone feeling safe, with set time limits: let's revisit our boundaries in 6 months, or whatever.
Good advice. We try not to have hard and fast rules. We say "everything's negotiable."
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  #15  
Old 05-30-2013, 03:29 AM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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It helps to meet her new bf(s) to take some of the mystery away.
Oh! I just thought of another question. So, I haven't met either of her BFs for a variety of reasons, but here's something strange.

Both are married. Both live out of town. Both do business with GF's employer (she is in sales, they are suppliers...). Let's set aside the fact that I don't think it's a good idea to sleep with people that do business with your employer for a moment...

Guy A was her first overnight. He is separated from his wife (or so he says - hard to know, right?). For whatever reason, I have no bad feelings about A. Without even meeting him, I feel like he's a good dude. Some cosmic universe-type thing tells me he's on the up and up. My GF also had a fling with him before she met me, so maybe that plays into it, but I don't think so.

Guy B is the guy she just went to Vegas with. He claims to have a DADT policy with his wife. For whatever reason, without having met the guy, I think he's lying. GF doesn't want to make him feel uncomfortable by asking him to provide proof (a text or something from the wife confirming DADT). Universe tells me this guy is bad, but she trusts him. She did not have a relationship with him UNTIL this trip. She accepted his invite to Vegas to see if there was anything there (they had met, but not "connected").

I take the idea of "ethical" in "ethical slut" pretty seriously and so does GF. We don't want to encourage or enable "cheating."

So, how do you deal with this?

My thought was we tell B to have his wife talk to ME (another dude) with a story that basically amounts to the truth: B was talking with his guy friend and friend doesn't believe they have a DADT policy when he's travelling and will she please confirm to friend (that's me!) that B is not a liar.

This seems reasonable to me and if he refuses, it probably means he's lying (or at the very least that he doesn't care enough about my GF to bear a little bit of pain so the relationship can progress smoothly).

Thoughts?

Last edited by seekingclarity; 05-30-2013 at 03:31 AM.
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  #16  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:23 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by seekingclarity View Post
My thought was we tell B to have his wife talk to ME (another dude) with a story that basically amounts to the truth: B was talking with his guy friend and friend doesn't believe they have a DADT policy when he's travelling and will she please confirm to friend (that's me!) that B is not a liar.

This seems reasonable to me and if he refuses, it probably means he's lying (or at the very least that he doesn't care enough about my GF to bear a little bit of pain so the relationship can progress smoothly).

Thoughts?
Others will probably feel differently - telling a "white lie" (that you are his "friend") to get at a "larger truth" (that they really do have a DADT policy) is, still, a lie (therefore not in line with the whole "everyone on board open/honest" poly meme); BUT, I actually think this is a pretty good idea.

I've thought and thought on how people can ethically navigate a true DADT...and it seems sooooooo complicated - like they need to have a website where you can tell that they are a real person and they declare their DADT-ness, and the rationale behind it so you can proceed with the knowledge that it is what they actually want.

I've seen versions of DADT on this site that stem from different underlying issues. Some versions seem more like "plausible deniability" - we all agree to pretend things are a certain way , so if it comes "out" (to family, work, etc.) things can be "spun" in a certain fashion. Some are of the "I don't want to know who/when/where" details - I know that it is happening but I don't want any details. You say you are going out with your "friend" and I will carefully avoid asking what the activities are going to consist of type of thing. (Awkward.)

It seems like a huge hassle to me, but...to each their own.

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  #17  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:55 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by seekingclarity View Post
I wouldn't call myself deeply insecure. Fairly confident, actually. Just swimming in new waters and trying to get used to the temperature. The fact that I am sharing my GF with other men while I don't have any other GFs in place should speak to that.
Why should it matter whether you have any other GFs "in place" (egad) or not? It isn't a race or a competition. What makes you believe that you both should have other partners at the same time? It's not some magnanimous thing you are doing just because you have no other GFs.

And dude, you're not "sharing her with other men" - yecch, that sounds terrible, as if you've given permission for her to be passed around a room or something. SHE is the one who chooses to share herself. It is her body, her life, her choice. You don't own her, and it isn't up to you how she lives her life. All you can do is accept that she is who she is, choose whether or not you can be in a relationship with her and live with her choices, and set your own personal boundaries about what you want. But she is a free person to choose what she wants.

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. . . It's hard to talk with my GF about it because I don't want to appear "insecure" or "weak," . . .
Do you have some sort of complex about making sure you come across as "macho enough" to her, or something like that?

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Originally Posted by seekingclarity View Post
My thought was we tell B to have his wife talk to ME (another dude) with a story that basically amounts to the truth: B was talking with his guy friend and friend doesn't believe they have a DADT policy when he's travelling and will she please confirm to friend (that's me!) that B is not a liar.
Oy, no. If I were her, I would just not stand for a DADT without being allowed to communicate with the wife to confirm it directly. And that should be communicated to your gf, not you. Ultimately, it's her relationship to manage, not yours, so stay out of it. You're not her father or her keeper.
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  #18  
Old 05-30-2013, 11:14 AM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why should it matter whether you have any other GFs "in place" (egad) or not? It isn't a race or a competition. What makes you believe that you both should have other partners at the same time? It's not some magnanimous thing you are doing just because you have no other GFs.
I appreciate your comments, but I hope you'll forgive me if I'm not using the poly "PC" language all the time. I know it's not a competition. You're helping me make my point better than I did because I'm not using language you're comfortable or familiar with. I am simply saying, I am not the kind of guy that needs 1 for 1 parity or anything like that, and it should speak to whether or not I am secure.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And dude, you're not "sharing her with other men" - yecch, that sounds terrible, as if you've given permission for her to be passed around a room or something. SHE is the one who chooses to share herself. It is her body, her life, her choice. You don't own her, and it isn't up to you how she lives her life. All you can do is accept that she is who she is, choose whether or not you can be in a relationship with her and live with her choices, and set your own personal boundaries about what you want. But she is a free person to choose what she wants.
Again, it's probably just nomenclature, but I do feel like it is sharing when you and your primary lover agree that you can each be with other people. It's not a strictly personal decision, but something you, as a couple, have to agree upon. I guess this applies to people who are primary-oriented, anyway.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Do you have some sort of complex about making sure you come across as "macho enough" to her, or something like that?
It's not really a machismo thing. It's about the law of attraction. Many people (and this would include my GF) just don't find insecurity attractive. It's not an image I want to project to my GF or to the world, quite frankly. It's not how I identify. I am a strong, confident man. That is the identity I want to maintain. There is nothing good or bad about it inherently, it's just who I am. Which is not to say I don't have my moments of doubt and weakness, of course. I just try to process them in a way that makes me stronger when they do occur.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oy, no. If I were her, I would just not stand for a DADT without being allowed to communicate with the wife to confirm it directly. And that should be communicated to your gf, not you. Ultimately, it's her relationship to manage, not yours, so stay out of it. You're not her father or her keeper.
There's the rub. She's not willing to make him feel uncomfortable or like she doesn't trust him. And, it WILL be a relationship of mine eventually. I am going to have to meet him at some point. That's just something we both have agreed should happen.

So, he's going to be in my life in some way and I want to know if I can trust him. This needs to be resolved and I'm trying to find a way that will be fairly painless for all involved to get that done.
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  #19  
Old 05-30-2013, 11:16 AM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Others will probably feel differently - telling a "white lie" (that you are his "friend") to get at a "larger truth" (that they really do have a DADT policy) is, still, a lie (therefore not in line with the whole "everyone on board open/honest" poly meme); BUT, I actually think this is a pretty good idea.
Thanks. I thought it was a good idea, too. Perhaps we clean up the story and, instead of saying "friend," we say "work colleague" or "guy I met on this sales trip" which are both true statements since I'm in the same industry as him and my GF...
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  #20  
Old 05-30-2013, 01:58 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm sorry, this whole Guy B thing sounds very sketchy. You lost me at "weekend in Vegas" as a first date.

And, as a poly person, I refuse to date someone with a DADT policy. I did it once years ago when I was a noob. The guy told me he had had a previous gf his wife knew about in general, but didn't want to know any details, and it had worked for 3 years. Then that gf moved on and he started dating me. Somehow that must have upset the apple cart (maybe he "told" too much after all) and his wife left him! Took 80% of their belongings and moved across the country and filed for divorce!

And I'm with NYCindie, making up some bullshit story about being a work colleague who needs to hear from this guy's wife-- WTH, dude? There's no lying in poly!

And yes, I was insecure and jealous when I first got into poly in 1999. Didn't have a nice message board to run issues by helpful experienced people either. My ex and I fucked it up.

I've been practicing poly successfully since 2008 however. Reading here and chatting with others practicing ETHICAL non monogamy has helped.

DADT is not ethical, IMO. Dating cheaters is very much not ethical. Many people here insist on meeting a new person's SO, especially if waters seem murky.
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me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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