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  #1  
Old 05-27-2013, 09:24 PM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Default First "open" relationship. Need advice.

Hey Poly People! This is my first post. Glad I found this place as I didn't know who to talk to about this...

So, after 14 years of marriage that ended in failure (NOT due to infidelity, but rather general incompatibility), I finally figured out monogamy is not for me. Strangely, I quickly found a woman I am super attracted to who has the same thought. We were like magnets when we met. Amazing. We are compatible on a number of levels (the way we eat, work out, keep house, etc. etc.).

We read the Ethical Slut together and are studying various other forms of alternative relationships. It's nice to know we're not alone. We have committed to being completely open and honest with each other and are working hard in that regard.

Here's the issue, though. I feel like she's more of a true poly. She wants an emotional connection with more than one person, even though she definitely wants a "primary" partner (that would be me!). For her, one night stands aren't really appealing. She wants vacations and overnights. She wants to feel a bond.

I, on the other hand, am more of a slut. Basic guy stuff here. I like the excitement of new sexual encounters, but have neither the need nor the desire to develop more than one serious emotional bond.

Obviously, this makes things hard for me, since most women in our society need an emotional bond before they'll have sex and tend to back away from me when I tell them I'm in a committed, open relationship and, while I'm not going to be a douche or anything, they shouldn't count on me for a lot of emotional support (BTW - need to find a place to connect with "sluts" in Minneapolis if anyone has some tips!).

Things are much easier for her. My new GF and I are both very attractive, fit people. So, she has a super easy time finding guys to shag, as most guys our age (mid 30s) are totally cool with her being in an open relationship and just giving her enough of an emotional connection that they can get laid. Hats off to them. For me, the type of women I'm attracted to are already used to guys hitting on them (repeatedly) and aren't really interested in someone unless they think they can get exclusivity. I find that the most attractive people are sometimes the most insecure...

Speaking of which, the problem is that I myself often feel jealous/envious that, not only is it "easier" for her than it is for me to find other playmates, she is developing emotional bonds and going on overnights and vacations with other guys, which causes me some anxiety. I wish she would be OK not needing that and just being able to shag. I'm not even saying she should avoid emotional bonds, just that I don't like the vacations and overnights. It causes me angst. And it's not the sex. In fact, thinking about her with other guys turns me on, a lot. It's the emotional connections and the fear that I don't want to lose this girl who seems pretty awesome for me on a lot of levels...

I guess that's my issue to deal with, right? Getting over the insecurity and being comfortable with the relationship and the fact that she'll always come back to me?

So, my question is this: can a slut and a true poly ever be compatible or will my slutty insecurities get the best of me and cause the demise of this seemingly great thing? Any and all comments appreciated!
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  #2  
Old 05-27-2013, 09:44 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I think its fine. I actually don't date very much because I haven't met anyone that I like. N on the other hand has a long term partner and 2 lovers as well .(sometimes more) he really hasnt had to test his comfort level too much but as long as you are both honest, open and communicate you can get past any insecurity. Every poly person is different and have different needs. I use to think I would only be ok with him having fwb only but as time has gone by I've become more and more comfortable with him forming more of an emotional bond if that's what he chooses. Reading the threads here have been extremely helpful and I have to say, the more open I become, the better I feel about myself and our relationship. It's definitely been a journey arriving to this place you just have to move at the pace you guys are comfortable and really look within yourself when you find you have uncomfortable feelings. Feelings are never wrong, its how you react to them that is important
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Old 05-27-2013, 09:52 PM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Thanks for the comment.

I agree they are my feelings and I need to deal with them. Sometimes, I wish she would give me a little more time to ease into this, but I feel guilty for asking her not to do what she wants. It's such a hard thing balancing your own emotional needs and insecurities with the needs of your partner. I feel like the further along in this relationship we get, the easier it will get, but I'm just not sure. I feel like I'm always going to get angst when she has an overnight or vacation.

Just to give context, we've only been dating seven months and she's only been on one overnight and one mini-vacation (this weekend in fact!). She's on that vacation right now.

Maybe I'm just seeking reassurance. She gives me reassurance when I ask for it while she's away, but I try not to ask so as not to come off needy or insecure. No girl wants to be with a guy who isn't confident, so maybe that's why I'm asking strangers on the internet for advice?!

Last edited by seekingclarity; 05-27-2013 at 09:57 PM.
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Old 05-27-2013, 09:58 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I'm sure you could find plenty of sluts who don't want personal connection or emotional involvement on craigslist! But could you trust them to be disease-free or with test results that haven't been forged?

Why not try a little more involved relationship, like a FWB, or even a casual gf, and see how it works for you? You could look for a local poly group and see if anything clicks with women there who might also have primaries and are not in need of too much investment from a guy, though would feel more safe and secure in at least a friendship.

Or you could seek a woman to go to swing clubs and sex parties with (single men are usually not welcome, I have heard, so sometimes guys will bring women to go with in order to get in), if you really only want no strings sex.

As far as your insecurities about your gf's trips and overnights, well,you could talk to her about it. Not to limit her or squash her freedom, but to let her know it's tough for you and see if there is a way she can give you a little extra attention before and after her trips. Tell her you would like some reassurance every now & then that she is still committed to you. Asking for reassurance doesn't mean you lack confidence. In fact, it says you are confident enough to trust her with your deeper feelings.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-27-2013 at 10:02 PM.
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  #5  
Old 05-27-2013, 10:00 PM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why not try a little more involved relationship, like a FWB, or even a casual gf, and see how it works for you? You could look for a local poly group and see if anything clicks with women there who might also have primaries and are not in need of too much investment from a guy, though would feel more safe and secure in at least a friendship.
I'm not even sure how to find a poly group. I should read more I guess?

I would be OK with a FWB or casual GF, I just want to make sure it doesn't get too serious. In fact, that's what I've tried to establish with other girls I've approached. They are interested until they find out I just want something casual.
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Old 05-27-2013, 10:04 PM
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Yes, you should read more. Visit the Golden Nuggets section of our forum. There are posts there with links to sites that list regional poly groups. I believe the thread is called Online Poly Resources.
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Old 05-27-2013, 10:13 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seekingclarity View Post

I would be OK with a FWB or casual GF, I just want to make sure it doesn't get too serious.
Why? What would happen if a situation develops naturally from sex to FWB or girlfriend situation?
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Old 05-27-2013, 10:30 PM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ssandra View Post
Why? What would happen if a situation develops naturally from sex to FWB or girlfriend situation?
Good question. I think I just don't have a desire to go there right now. It's not that I wouldn't, it's just not what I'm looking for. I guess if it happens, it happens, right?
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Old 05-27-2013, 10:34 PM
seekingclarity seekingclarity is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ssandra View Post
Why? What would happen if a situation develops naturally from sex to FWB or girlfriend situation?
Apparently my posts are being moderated now? That's OK since I'm a new guy!

Anyway, to elaborate, while I'm not opposed to that happening, I think I know myself well enough to know that I do not want to (or maybe am not able to?) sustain more than one serious emotional relationship.

If a FWB progresses to casual GF and then progress to "primary," that's fine and might even be expected. I just don't think I can maintain more than one serious, long-term emotional connection due to my work, hobbies and other time constraints.

Does that make sense?
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Old 05-27-2013, 11:46 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seekingclarity View Post
Apparently my posts are being moderated now? That's OK since I'm a new guy!

Anyway, to elaborate, while I'm not opposed to that happening, I think I know myself well enough to know that I do not want to (or maybe am not able to?) sustain more than one serious emotional relationship.

If a FWB progresses to casual GF and then progress to "primary," that's fine and might even be expected. I just don't think I can maintain more than one serious, long-term emotional connection due to my work, hobbies and other time constraints.

Does that make sense?
It makes sense.

One thing you could do is make it clear that you have some limitations in terms of attention and time, not as much on an emotional level.

I love sex as much as the other person, but someone who right from the starts tells me it is *only* sex will not get far with me. Because there has to be that connection of liking each other.

However, if someone were to say "I like you, but I don't have a lot of time to really date" that would be way more acceptable and ok.

I guess it might scare other women off as well when you right away shut the door on an emotional connection. However, having time and energy constraints is normal and probably won't scare away as much and as fast.
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