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  #11  
Old 05-25-2013, 07:41 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Outsider View Post
Sounds like his new potential live in interest sees men as little more than bank machines ........... perhaps they're perfect for each other.
Is that what a "sperm bank" means?
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  #12  
Old 05-26-2013, 12:15 AM
Tommy29 Tommy29 is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Maybe if he can start seeing women more than human sperm depositories.
It might seem that way occasionally it has been. But theres quite a few women i'd love to date or at least see again. When i meet a girl at a bar i spend a couple hours getting to know as much as i can about her and seeing if shes someone who id want to have sex with in the first place. Often someone who I really end up liking sometimes she ends up being someone i dont want to sleep with. But the truth is its often their choice to not see me again after sex. I think I just find women in this environment were they are on vacation, just broke up with someone but are horny or maybe its something about me that says potential sex partner for tonight but not relationship material. Anyways I obviously dont need more sex in my life but as an example the last girl i slept with was a real cool person and would have enjoyed getting to know her more and spending time with her. She never was interested to hang out again. Often girls have rejected me... kicking me out after they are satisfied... not even wanting to take my phone number... I have even gotten upset about it a couple times and felt like women were just using me for sex. A bit off topic but i dont feel like women are cum depositories especially after spending hours to get to know them.
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  #13  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:21 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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OP you can spin your life style all you want but do not label it as polyamory to make yourself feel better.

Polyamory translates as many loves. Not many no strings attached sex partners, one night stands and etc.

You have an open relationship. You enjoy sleeping with whoever you wish more power to you. Enjoy yourself.
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Last edited by Dagferi; 05-26-2013 at 03:25 AM.
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  #14  
Old 05-26-2013, 04:03 AM
Tommy29 Tommy29 is offline
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i'm not really interested in labeling anything whatever. Sorry if my presence here is disturbing or my lifestyle... I'm not trying to say my situation is poly or not.. okay i agree iwth everyone its not... but i dont care you guys have alot of experience handling emotions and thinking clearly in unconventional relationships.... i'm just here because i'm hoping to benifit in some way from that.
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  #15  
Old 05-26-2013, 05:38 AM
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TrulsShadow TrulsShadow is offline
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Hey all- not much room for explanations on the part of the OP in some of these replies. Could be the OP's writing style, word choice, etc, but it seemed to me that he was addressing an online community that he felt was a good place to start.

Now then... yeah, you prob aren't poly, but maybe you'd like to be in the future or want to just get an opinion. Open relationships, poly, anything out of the mono culture, they all have things in common, and ALL kinds of relationship are talked about here so it's a great place for advice. Just read around on the pages/threads, you'll find some gems for sure.
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  #16  
Old 05-26-2013, 06:19 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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OP,
First of all, spending a few hours trying to see if you want to fuck someone is not really much of an investment, so I don't know why you paint it as if you've really made any effort. All you're doing is sniffing out whether or not you want to stick your dick in someone.

Second of all, you seem to categorize women as either "good for sex" or "relationship material." That is the classic madonna/whore complex (google it if you never heard if it). Why can't a woman be both someone you want to have a caring relationship with, and have sex with as well? Why is it that if she is your friend and fucking other people without emotion, that's okay, but if you want to marry her, then it hurts you? Dude, truthfully, you have a very immature view of women and relationships, and your values come across as quite shallow.

To me, it is no wonder you are involved with a chick who fucks men for their money - you and she are very much alike! You use women for sex, she uses men for money. Now, you could marry her for convenience, as you both will get some benefits like tax breaks, etc., but wouldn't being married hamper her efforts in attracting sugar daddies? Really, if you have to move in together, then just live as roommates - why would you marry her?? If you and she have a sexual relationship, too, then you just have a roommate who fucks you every now and then. OR forget about moving in together, it doesn't matter. But no matter what you decide to do with that situation, I would suggest that you start going to therapy so you can learn more respectful ways of viewing and interacting with women, if you want any meaningful relationships in your life. If you keep going on the way you are, your relationships won't be very deep and it will feel very unsatisfying.
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  #17  
Old 05-26-2013, 09:05 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
OP,
First of all, spending a few hours trying to see if you want to fuck someone is not really much of an investment, so I don't know why you paint it as if you've really made any effort. All you're doing is sniffing out whether or not you want to stick your dick in someone.

Second of all, you seem to categorize women as either "good for sex" or "relationship material." That is the classic madonna/whore complex (google it if you never heard if it). Why can't a woman be both someone you want to have a caring relationship with, and have sex with as well? Why is it that if she is your friend and fucking other people without emotion, that's okay, but if you want to marry her, then it hurts you? Dude, truthfully, you have a very immature view of women and relationships, and your values come across as quite shallow.

To me, it is no wonder you are involved with a chick who fucks men for their money - you and she are very much alike! You use women for sex, she uses men for money. Now, you could marry her for convenience, as you both will get some benefits like tax breaks, etc., but wouldn't being married hamper her efforts in attracting sugar daddies? Really, if you have to move in together, then just live as roommates - why would you marry her?? If you and she have a sexual relationship, too, then you just have a roommate who fucks you every now and then. OR forget about moving in together, it doesn't matter. But no matter what you decide to do with that situation, I would suggest that you start going to therapy so you can learn more respectful ways of viewing and interacting with women, if you want any meaningful relationships in your life. If you keep going on the way you are, your relationships won't be very deep and it will feel very unsatisfying.

You know, this could come across as an "attack". You really should use more artificial sweetener.
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  #18  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:12 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey, OP. Sorry about all the harshness you've been receiving here. My impressions/advice --

You have a friend/lover who you've known for several years. You're planning to do a trial move-in with the possibility of a long-term commitment (marriage). You have an open relationship, and both have the freedom to get involved with other people emotionally and physically, but right now neither of you is involved in any other serious emotional relationships, just a number of physical ones. Your other involvements take the form of casual sex, hers take the form of informal sex work (no judgment whatsoever implied by calling it sex work -- I know it's easy to say that, but I actually mean it --that just seems to be what it is, exchanging sex for money). You're concerned as to whether or not you can form a deep bond with this person in the context you've created for yourselves, or whether her involvements with other people will keep you from emotionally committing to her. You also worry whether she's truly willing/able to commit to you.

Sound right?

I think there are a few things to consider here.

1) Three months may not be enough time to decide whether a serious commitment is a good idea. People can still be on their best behavior for the first few months of a relationship -- you don't usually *really* get to know them, warts at all, until a little further in. I imagine this is true also for a major shift in a relationship -- you may get to see the best side of her as a roommate/partner in those three months, and then find that things change down the line. Why not just plan to live together for as long as it makes sense for both of you, and leave the serious commitment for when it really feels right? What's the rush?

2) If you do decide that a serious commitment is what you both want, marriage may or may not be necessary. Marriage ties you to another person legally. If you don't think of it as a religious thing, then the legal aspect is the ONLY difference between marriage and any other type of commitment ceremony. Is being legally tied to another person, half your property being theirs, etc., really right for you two? Why? That takes a HUGE amount of trust and, if it doesn't work out, you two will be able to really screw each other over if you're married (divorce proceedings!). I'm not saying it couldn't ever be right, but if you're still having such fundamental doubts, I would hold off on making anything legal until years down the line. I just don't see what benefit it would confer to either of you, and I worry that you're considering it mainly because it's what society tells you a committed relationship has to look like. Not true.

3) Are you truly ok with an open relationship? This is where your most serious questions seem to be. There are two parts to this.

3A) Are you ok with her being with other people on an emotional level? I'm thinking of this thing you said -- "She makes statements sometimes that send a ping of pain into my body. One recently was her talking about another guy and she said something akin to "yeah i think he is worth the effort, i actually like him, hes probably the only one in the world i would put that much effort in for." She is not being cruel in telling me this... we are just really solid friends and shes being honest...this is her bf that dumped her.".

It sounds like this really hurt you. I can see why -- "the only one in the world" makes it sound like she puts him above everyone else, even you... again, why would you marry someone, which you can only do with ONE person in the world at a time under our legal system, when you're not their #1 priority. So there's that question, about this specific guy -- does she really care about him more than you, would she leave you for him if he asked? But then there's the more general question, how would you react if she didn't put him above you, just on an equal plane, but wanted an equal emotional relationship with him or with someone else? This is where "polyamory" actually enters the picture. Do you believe that people can have functional, honest, respectful, loving relationships with more than one person? Do you believe that you and she have the communication and time-management skills for that? There are some great writings at www.morethantwo.com that might help you feel out whether this is a path that makes sense for the two of you.

3B) Are you ok with her being with other people on a physical level? You said -- "Today i messaged her something random and she replied "I'm getting fucked as i write this lol." It hurt and my natural inclination is to care less about her and pull my emotions away." If she's doing sex work (which, again, is what being a gold digger seems to be to me, if in a more informal way), being physically intimate with other people is part of her every day experience. It's what she's chosen to make her happy and to pay her bills. You need to be able to accept this 100% in order to be with her. If you find that it makes you pull away and grow cold, then, no, I'm sorry, this is not going to work unless you can find a way to get over that. This video may be of help to you -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=FTdBXLCo1Qk

4) Is she the right one? Let's say you work out all of the issues above. That still doesn't mean this is the right relationship for you, necessarily. You say -- "I love her a lot but I feel like she doesnt love me the same way... i think i would give up alot for her... but she woudlnt me... and so i think my pulling away emotionally and not wanting to marry her is justified..."

Does she love you as much as you love her, would she sacrifice for you like you would for her? These are crucial questions. Don't go jumping into anything without knowing the answers... there's no big rush!! Take the time to really learn her heart and mind. ASK her these questions, and, better yet, pay close attention to her actions, how she treats you. When something is important to you and she needs help, but it would be inconvenient for her to be there, does she do it anyway?

And then you say -- "but hten i also feel marrying her and sleeping with other women on the side would be a baller situation that i would like... and if id idnt i would miss out on a lifestyle id enjoy logically... I'm so confused.....

Make sure that you're not just doing it because it makes sense "logically". Your gut has to agree with your head, or you'll be miserable in short order. What makes you think you couldn't have this "lifestyle" -- a committed, caring relationship and casual encounters on the side -- unless you make this particular commitment to this particular women? What you're describing actually isn't that uncommon. Call it polyamory (which would be the right word if you're open to forming emotional bonds with other people), call it swinging, call it an open relationship, it's everywhere. Don't jump into something that feels wrong because you think this is your last chance to have the life you want.

Good luck!!!!
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  #19  
Old 05-26-2013, 03:45 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Look you two can not live like Caligula on a Bender and expecitect to be able to form a healthy core relationship. If you want to have a stable home to come home to then you have to build that relationship first. Meaning if you two want to build a life together you need to focus on the two of you and stop playing around with others until you have a solid foundation.
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  #20  
Old 05-31-2013, 08:20 AM
Tommy29 Tommy29 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
OP,
First of all, spending a few hours trying to see if you want to fuck someone is not really much of an investment, so I don't know why you paint it as if you've really made any effort. All you're doing is sniffing out whether or not you want to stick your dick in someone.

Second of all, you seem to categorize women as either "good for sex" or "relationship material." That is the classic madonna/whore complex (google it if you never heard if it). Why can't a woman be both someone you want to have a caring relationship with, and have sex with as well? Why is it that if she is your friend and fucking other people without emotion, that's okay, but if you want to marry her, then it hurts you? Dude, truthfully, you have a very immature view of women and relationships, and your values come across as quite shallow.

To me, it is no wonder you are involved with a chick who fucks men for their money - you and she are very much alike! You use women for sex, she uses men for money. Now, you could marry her for convenience, as you both will get some benefits like tax breaks, etc., but wouldn't being married hamper her efforts in attracting sugar daddies? Really, if you have to move in together, then just live as roommates - why would you marry her?? If you and she have a sexual relationship, too, then you just have a roommate who fucks you every now and then. OR forget about moving in together, it doesn't matter. But no matter what you decide to do with that situation, I would suggest that you start going to therapy so you can learn more respectful ways of viewing and interacting with women, if you want any meaningful relationships in your life. If you keep going on the way you are, your relationships won't be very deep and it will feel very unsatisfying.
Probably true. I came out of 6 or so years of monogamous relationships, followed by 3 years of one night stands with a couple girlfriends on the side of that. It's funny how the pendulum swings from one side to the other and lands in the middle.
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