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Old 05-25-2013, 05:11 PM
Tommy29 Tommy29 is offline
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Red face Looking for experienced advice & perspective.

Hi i'm seeing one girl who is poly and am routinely having one night stands. I have not actually cared about a girl in over 3 years.

Right now a girl is coming to live with me for three years. A little about her: She is a gold digger, sugar baby, (no shes not gold digging me im broke) Anyways we we will be living together for a few months and in a big way this is to see if we want to marry each other. The idea is that she can have sugar daddies and gold dig. I can go out to bars and clubs and sleep with women.

Lately I wonder if I can handle this. She seems to be handling it well. Today i messaged her something random and she replied "I'm getting fucked as i write this lol." It hurt and my natural inclination is to care less about her and pull my emotions away. I can be icey and not give a shit... and i can care... but i dont know if i can do both?

I so far have been guiding our interaction to be open about everything that way we keep ourselves aware and nothing surprises us. We have always talked about sex with other people and have been good friends. But now that i think about marriage and loving her and caring... these things that before were just fine are now painful. She makes statements sometimes that send a ping of pain into my body. One recently was her talking about another guy and she said something akin to "yeah i think he is worth the effort, i actually like him, hes probably the only one in the world i would put that much effort in for." She is not being cruel in telling me this... we are just really solid friends and shes being honest...this is her bf that dumped her.

I guess im wondering if there is a way to reconcile all of this... a new mindset or something... I dont see the point in being married when i will pull away emotionally and not care about her. I'm already finding myself just not interested in her. Its hard for me to know if this is because i'm wrongly following my emotions in a situation i logically want. I find myself very scared more so than i have been in my whole life. Vulnerable... not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I love her a lot but I feel like she doesnt love me the same way... i think i would give up alot for her... but she woudlnt me... and so i think my pulling away emotionally and not wanting to marry her is justified... but hten i also feel marrying her and sleeping with other women on the side would be a baller situation that i would like... and if id idnt i would miss out on a lifestyle id enjoy logically... I'm so confused....

Last edited by Tommy29; 05-25-2013 at 05:18 PM.
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Old 05-25-2013, 05:19 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tommy29 View Post
Right now a girl is coming to live with me for three years. A little about her: She is a gold digger, sugar baby, (no shes not gold digging me im broke) Anyways we we will be living together for a few months and in a big way this is to see if we want to marry each other. The idea is that she can have sugar daddies and gold dig. I can go out to bars and clubs and sleep with women.
Wait, which is it, three years or three months?

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Originally Posted by Tommy29 View Post
Lately I wonder if I can handle this. She seems to be handling it well but even though she does not know me not so much.
Why are you considering marrying someone who does not know you very well? How did this topic even come up? What do you hope to get out of marriage?

Sorry to bombard you with questions when you're looking for answers, but it's hard to know how to give good advice without understanding your situation better.
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Old 05-25-2013, 05:37 PM
Tommy29 Tommy29 is offline
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Whoops sorry i'm a bit emotional so i wrote some of this in a rather confusing way. She is going to live with me for 3 month but we have known each other for 3 years. i didnt mean she doesnt know me... i feel she does. I just wrote that all messed up.

I guess what i hope to get out of the marriage is a situation where i can love someone and have all of the comforts of someone to care about and invest my time attention in into our future together... while still seeing women on the side openly to fulfill all of my sexual cravings.
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Old 05-25-2013, 06:06 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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You make women sound as if they are toys..

YOU "I have not actually cared about a girl in over 3 years."

Why if you haven't cared for a woman in 3 years would you marry a woman? Why bother it marry or live with someone at all?

If you are upset about her having sex and texting you, it sounds like you care for her.

None of what the two of you are doing sounds like fulfilling polyamory...
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Old 05-25-2013, 06:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, there's no reason to get married to live with someone you care about. Just live together! Until you both know yourselves better, and know each other better, and learn how to deal with being respectful, and how not to be jealous, how can you 2 practice polyamory?

If you want someone to come home to after your sexual exploits, and if she wants that too, after shagging men for their money, fine. Don't expect it to all be a bed of roses. You will both need patience with each other and tip top communication skills.
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Old 05-25-2013, 06:44 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Well, there's no reason to get married to live with someone you care about. Just live together! Until you both know yourselves better, and know each other better, and learn how to deal with being respectful, and how not to be jealous, how can you 2 practice polyamory?

If you want someone to come home to after your sexual exploits, and if she wants that too, after shagging men for their money, fine. Don't expect it to all be a bed of roses. You will both need patience with each other and tip top communication skills.


I hate to point this out, but someone has to:

"sugar babbying" "sugar daddying" and "gold digging" are forms of prostitution, not polyamory. Not that there's anything SEX NEGATIVE or VICTIM BLAMING about taking money or goods in exchange for sexual services (as long as all involved are of the age of consent and no coercion or force is involved, which would then make it RAPE instead of PROSTITiON, but i digress), but it's the wrong P-word to use.

Rubbing your naughty-bits together with the naughty-bits of more than one other person within a given time period does not mean you are "poly", it means you fucked more than one person within a given time period. Who is living with whom and whether a piece of paper is filed with your government making two people "married" is really irrelevant.

That said, if doing these things makes the two of you happy, keep doing what works. I just want to make sure you know what these big words mean.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-25-2013 at 06:46 PM.
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  #7  
Old 05-25-2013, 06:57 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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This situation is so not poly. If you are happy more power to you.

Poly is having loving relationships with more than one person not having sex with multiple people.
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:06 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
This situation is so not poly. If you are happy more power to you.

Poly is having loving relationships with more than one person not having sex with multiple people.
What they have is an open relationship. Bears some resemblance to polyamory, he might learn something here!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #9  
Old 05-25-2013, 07:17 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
What they have is an open relationship. Bears some resemblance to polyamory, he might learn something here!
Maybe if he can start seeing women more than human sperm depositories.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #10  
Old 05-25-2013, 07:27 PM
Outsider Outsider is offline
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Maybe if he can start seeing women more than human sperm depositories.
Sounds like his new potential live in interest sees men as little more than bank machines ........... perhaps they're perfect for each other.
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